Will DH ever change? How can I get through to him?

[NewMomma21]

Looking for advice.

Married to DH for 4 years. We have an 18 month old and I’m almost 30 weeks pregnant. DH has a stressful job; he earns a very good salary and works long hours and travels abroad frequently. He is a good provider and great fun socially.

I would have considered myself happily married but recently I am becoming increasingly resentful of DH. Although he provides financially he does nothing to keep the house running. He doesn’t ever put a wash on. He lets the bins run to overflowing. He does absolutely no cleaning or cooking and frequently will leave a mess behind him whenever he is in the house. Often leaves clothes/towels on the floor. I have to ask multiple, multiple times over the course of days to do things I am physically unable to do (for example lifting heavy loads of washing, emptying bins, quick tidy of the garden). I am left to do everything around the house. Although I work FT I am off for the summer, it doesn’t matter if I’m in work or not he still contributes nothing. On the weekends he often plays golf for one day. On the days he is home and off when LO naps he more or often than not gets into bed for two hours for a nap or scroll on his phone. This is time during the day I use to do a tidy, load of washing, hoover etc.

Recently he was away for over a week (longest trip since covid) and it was just me and LO. Life was much easier. There was no mess to clean up. The house was clean and tidy. No picking up his clothes and litter. I found the extent to which it was easier shocking.

I have tried so many times to ask him for help. Begged. Nagged. Gotten angry, gotten upset. Nothing ever gets through to him. He just doesn’t seem to care. I feel increasingly like I am mother to a toddler and messy, selfish teenager.

Has anyone any advice? I don’t know how else to get through to him

YABU- he contributes financially and he is unlikely to ever change
YANBU- he needs to start pulling his weight

Have you discussed his untidiness from the perspective that your children could get hurt? If he's prepared to pay to outsource cleaning, laundry etc that's great, but he does need to be pulling the plug on the bath and not leaving rubbish out on the sides. Also, I'd make the point that he should set an example to your children otherwise you'll end up constantly tidying up after 3 people in the not so distant future.

I think it's really important to notice now how this will impact raising kids. My DH is exactly the same as yours, he'll happily throw money at any issue but is never prepared to put an effort in.

When our DC were younger, it was fine but by the time they were teenagers and I was asking them to pick up their rubbish, all I got was "But Dad doesn't" and it was a real issue. That was the point at which I lost it so much with him that he got his wallet out and paid for a cleaner. So for a few hours a week, I get "a break" from being his servant. It's not the bonus he thinks it is, in fact if anything it just makes me resent him even more.

Lose the word “help”. Pulling his weight is not helping, the stuff you are doing is not your responsibility. When I got to the part where you said you work full time, I couldn’t believe it. How on earth has it come to this? Stop telling him, take action. Draw up a plan splitting the work fairly in two and just do your half.

What about sitting down with him and looking to resolve the problem together, compromise, win-win? He doesn't understand that his behaviour makes you feel like his mother / housekeeper / skivvy and that you feel disrespected, and you can't understand his mentality that someone else can do the stuff he doesn't want to do, especially if he can throw money at it. So maybe drop any aspect of mothering / nagging / asking / expecting him to change, etc.

Instead, what if you literally say to him - DH, I love how generous you are, and I love that you're fun. Now that we are a family, I'm finding that I value partnership. You've always been my teammate, and I don't want to lose it. How can we solve this problem?

Then work through compromises.

Things he can throw money at, things he'll pick up the slack on, and things you'll relax on.

My DP and I roughly share jobs, but I'm usually the one emptying the bins (he usually lets them get stuffed to full), whereas he's usually the one emptying the dishwasher (and I tend to leave things in the sink). The bin thing annoys me, and the sink thing annoys him, but basically I think the only way to cohabit well is to communicate then work out what the compromise is, then work on what you can relax about, and what he can pick up.

My DP earns much more money than me and is better at logistics / life admin. So if he lets the bin overflow or leaves his slippers on the floor and the dog keeps getting them, I let it go, because I see the benefits I'm getting from pairing up with him. I don't know if that makes sense, and for what it's worth, the way your DH is behaving would irritate me too. But I think you can't actually change a person. Better to state what you value/need (in the bigger picture) and then find the joint solution if you can.

Thank you for your helpful suggestion. I have tried a communicative approach numerous times. I have explained how hurtful it is to come home from a trip out to find soiled nappies and wipes piled up on the changing table rather than in the nappy bin next to it and how it makes me feel like I am a glorified maid. I have explained at length with no raised voices that we have to be in partnership and that I feel like I am increasingly taking on a mother like role. I’m at the point of dreading having alone time or time with friends because I know when I return the house will be upside down while he lies back on the couch relaxing.

I realise now that he will probably never change and I feel sad for my future as it dawns on me that this is going to be my life. For today, I am not washing anymore of his clothes, I won’t be cooking his dinner and will do enough that the house is clean and tidy for DC and I to enjoy.

Hmm I don't really see mess. But I'll clarify - I can't sit in a room with shit everywhere, of course that is obvious. But my partner and I have very different standards of tidying. For example, there might be a pile of magazines on the side, which don't belong there. As they aren't messily displayed, I honestly won't even notice them. If my partner were to ask why I didn't put them away, I will then see them, and see they look messy. But I would need someone to point them out to me - I just don't notice them at all. And because I don't notice them, I can't learn how to, if that makes sense? He absolutely cannot understand how I can't see them, or think they need putting away.

Same with a collection of small toys on a shelf. If they've been there long enough, they become part of the decor and I won't notice them at all. So if I am tidying the room, I'll miss these areas out, as I don't see them as mess.

It's very hard for someone who cannot stand any mess to understand people who just don't see it.

Thanks for your insight on blindness to messiness. In a way I am envious that you can’t see it and agree it’s hard for both of us to understand each others perspective. Sometimes I feel like it’s all I can see! I will say, I appreciate I must be difficult to live with. DC has toys that are organised by basket (eg cars in one, animals in another) and I can’t abide when everything is just shoved into the shelves all jumbled up. This attention to detail drives DH bonkers.

I can quietly fix this kind of stuff but it’s the uncleanliness that it is really weighing on me. And the physical toll of some domestic tasks is taking.

Your H is a slovenly pig. He treats you like a maid and your home like a hotel. Although people who stay in hotels and treat housekeeping respectfully, do not leave all their shit everywhere expecting housekeeping to clean up after them.

This is not about organising toys into certain boxes, this is doing one's fair share in a household and picking up after oneself. The fact that he won't even wipe up spills he has made or put stuff in the dishwasher. What a pig. How can you be attracted to that? Is this how you want to spend your life? I don't know what age you are but if he couldn't give a shit now, he's not going to be any different in 10/20/30/40/50 years. It's also setting a terrible example to your DC.

If you must, you have it out with him one last time before pressing the nuclear button. Each time he leaves his shit everywhere, tell him to pick it up. Every single time. Stop doing anything for him, no more laundry, no more cooking, nothing. Zero. If he doesn't change, divorce him.

If all he is doing is contributing financially, but then creates a ton of work for you because you are cleaning up after him, then divorce him. He will then be contributing financially but you will no longer have the mess to deal with. Win win. And when people ask why you divorced, you can tell them that he was a disgusting messy pig who expected his wife to pick up after him.

But honestly, I doubt he will change. It will get worse once you have a newborn because you will be recovering from birth and have a toddler and have that horrible manchild turning your home into a pigsty.

He may think you can solve all problems with money, but you can't solve his attitude - he seems to think that he doesn't have to pick up after himself. Unless you plan on having a housekeeper in 24/7 then he will still not do his fair share and you will be looking at piles of laundry, the bath not being emptied (which is a massive safety risk for toddlers and babies), dishes and cups scattered everywhere, etc.

I think I read on here before a phrase - every time he doesn't tidy up after himself, it is like saying a big fuck you to the wife (because he doesn't care about the impact on you). I think it was in that thread that I first saw that article about the husband who said his wife left him because he left the dishes in the sink.

Look back at when he was away for work - you said it was lovely, the house was so tidy. That could be your life, and he'll still have to financially support you, so LTB. He doesn't respect you.

What would happen if at the weekend you said to him - no you're not going to golf, no you're not going for a nap, no you can't go see friends because you have housework that you need to do? That has to be done first. And stop saying it's him helping you, it is him needing to do his fair share.

I'd also consider that if he continues leaving his clothes all over the floor that you bag them up and put them in the bin yourself.

There's something sweetly optimistic about some of the responses that always appear on threads like this. "Talk to him..." "Explain to him that..." "Draw up a rota that shows him how much there is to do and how much you're currently doing..." because that approach would work on most of the people posting here. But there are a fair few men who do not care if you try to explain to them that they are being unfair, and OP's husband seems to be one of them. (IIRC she said in her OP she has talked about it before.) What these men care about is enjoying life and if they have to tune out a bit of nagging, and promise to do better and then carry on not pulling their weight and enjoying their leisure time, then that is what they will do. They do not care if their wives have less leisure time as a result.

The only thing that might work is to make sure his laziness has a negative impact on his life. If you have to do all the cleaning and tidying up, well, you're going to be too busy to do his washing and to cook anything for him, aren't you? If his stuff is on the floor, what a shame that you walked over it and it got ripped or broken or lost. You're definitely not going to want sex with a man who acts like this either because being treated this disrespectfully isn't a huge turn on, is it? You probably won't remember what food he wants in the online shop either, because you've already got the entire mental load.

I couldn't personally live like this. It's just too petty and I'd be really annoyed that I'd had to resort to it. I think some women have had success with this approach though, and it's maybe better than going straight to divorce?

The fact that he could pay to outsource some of the tasks almost feels like a red herring. For years these things haven't been outsourced, and OP's husband hasn't helped. He knows something is important to her, but he can't be bothered to even take a bin out or empty the bath water or throw out an empty loo roll. Those are the basic things than need doing even if the house doesn't look like a showhome.

My husband has sensory issues when it comes to noise, and I might not understand why noise makes him so burnt out but I still accommodate it. I make sure the door is shut when the tumble dryer is going. I'm happy for him to put noise-cancelling headphones on when we're on a motorway even though it means we can't chat. I'll try and set the robovac going when he isn't around to hear it. In turn, he does loads of things for me even though they aren't important to him - including cleaning. It's part of being in a happy relationship, and if someone is always going to prioritise their own wants, it just doesn’t work.

My mum's sister married a guy who did absolutely nothing about the house. He worked long hours (wasn't back until 7.00.pm most nights) and spent all Saturday at the local golf course. On a Sunday he took her and the (3) kids out for Sunday lunch at the golf club. That was his only interaction with the kids when they were little.

However, he earned pots of money. They had a 5 bed detached house,
Just about everything was outsourced. They had a gardener, a cleaner twice a week, someone came in to do the ironing, all his shirts went to the laundry.
They had a nanny/au pair for 6 months after each child was born.

All my auntie did really was cook, which she liked doing.

It worked for them, but I wouldn't actually describe them as a 'couple'.

I can see mess if I switch on awareness but not typically.

My mum was/is a neat freak. Probably ocd. As a consequence I associate all cleaning with suffering and stress. And I struggle to be around her for very long indoors.

Start taking all his crap and piling it up in his office. Repeat until he gets the message.

my husband was like this until i got ill. He’s had to step up and he’s brilliant. It’s a shame i had to be ill for him to do it. Do you think you need to remove yourself and leave things to your husband for a couple of days?

I realise now that he will probably never change and I feel sad for my future as it dawns on me that this is going to be my life.

It needn't be. Earlier you described how lovely it was for you and your child when he was away for a week. It could be like that 365 days a year.

He may think you can solve all problems with money, but you can't solve his attitude - he seems to think that he doesn't have to pick up after himself

He will not change. This is who and how he is. A lazy pig of a man.

The only thing that might work is to make sure his laziness has a negative impact on his life

agreed.... but how?

Start taking all his crap and piling it up in his office. Repeat until he gets the message.

Okay....... but why bother? Why spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't respect you and basically doesn't give a crap that you are on your knees and at the end of your rope?

You are weeks away from giving birth to his child - and he simply doesn't care!!!

The failure to drain the bath or dispose of the nappies would have been IT for me. The end. One is a danger to a toddler and the other is just disgustingly rude.

I would also add that him earning a large salary is a red herring. He's not doing it for you is he? If you left he wouldn't think "oh I only need to earn X now so I'll go part time or become a retail worker instead". The high status job and prestige / travel etc is for HIM. Yes, you tangentially benefit but you're not a SAHM, you also work FT plus all the domestic stuff. If you do attempt a conversation with him, do t let him off the hook with this "but I earn £££". It's really irrelevant and does not offset his laziness.

Oh OP that sounds so awful. I couldn’t live like that. It’s not just the mess, it’s the complete lack of consideration, care or respect for you. It would be ultimatum time I’m afraid. Shape up or ship out. And mean it.

You said yourself that life was easier without him. The bath thing was dangerous and the nappy thing disgusting. He sees you as lesser than him, as a slave. Is that love? I think not. Sorry OP.

To add, I would ask him why he expects you to clean up after him. Why he thinks he’s so much more important. Eeuggh he’s gross.

He will always say I don’t expect you to do anything for me, I don’t ask you to clean up after me you just do it. When I ask why he doesn’t contribute to anything he will often use what I suppose is weaponised incompetence and say why would I bother doing it when it’s never done right or to your standard. He is referring to jamming the dishwasher full of things that can’t go in it/pots still covered in food that requires redoing or putting washing on a clothes horse with everything piled on top of everything else such that everything stays damp and never dries and also requires rearranging.

Today I moved his dirty clothes to one basket and he can take care of them from here. I washed only my & DCs things. I didn’t make him dinner and heard him checking the oxen for food after he arrived home from work. None of the above has given me any satisfaction, if anything I feel sad that this is where I am, resorting to petty rebellions.

Did he say anything about the lack of dinner?

An excellent point.

OP your “rebellion” is an attempt to use acts where words have failed. It makes sense but your dh is unlikely to respond well—he wants to win the battle not join your team.

None of the above has given me any satisfaction, if anything I feel sad that this is where I am, resorting to petty rebellions.

I partly agree. It's one thing not to do his washing, or dump all his rubbish/mess into a basket so he can sort out later and place it on his side of the bed but it seems very petty not to cook dinner imo. Perhaps you can meet half way and continue with the food...or was that an area of contention too?

The problem isn’t his laziness though @NewMomma21 it’s the contempt he has for you.
He can throw money at cleaners & laundry but he will still think it’s your place to be the house skivvy, making sure Billy big bollocks never has to actually parent or be a partner.

He’s happy for a 30 week pregnant woman to do heavy lifting for his benefit. That’s contempt.

He won’t even lift his hand to pull the plug in a bath or put a shit filled nappy in a bin. That’s not being blind to mess, that’s him telling you, very explicitly, that it’s your job to clean the shit he leaves behind him. Contempt.

You said yourself life was easier without him - why live in this misery & resentment forever?