Will DH ever change? How can I get through to him?

[NewMomma21]

Looking for advice.

Married to DH for 4 years. We have an 18 month old and I’m almost 30 weeks pregnant. DH has a stressful job; he earns a very good salary and works long hours and travels abroad frequently. He is a good provider and great fun socially.

I would have considered myself happily married but recently I am becoming increasingly resentful of DH. Although he provides financially he does nothing to keep the house running. He doesn’t ever put a wash on. He lets the bins run to overflowing. He does absolutely no cleaning or cooking and frequently will leave a mess behind him whenever he is in the house. Often leaves clothes/towels on the floor. I have to ask multiple, multiple times over the course of days to do things I am physically unable to do (for example lifting heavy loads of washing, emptying bins, quick tidy of the garden). I am left to do everything around the house. Although I work FT I am off for the summer, it doesn’t matter if I’m in work or not he still contributes nothing. On the weekends he often plays golf for one day. On the days he is home and off when LO naps he more or often than not gets into bed for two hours for a nap or scroll on his phone. This is time during the day I use to do a tidy, load of washing, hoover etc.

Recently he was away for over a week (longest trip since covid) and it was just me and LO. Life was much easier. There was no mess to clean up. The house was clean and tidy. No picking up his clothes and litter. I found the extent to which it was easier shocking.

I have tried so many times to ask him for help. Begged. Nagged. Gotten angry, gotten upset. Nothing ever gets through to him. He just doesn’t seem to care. I feel increasingly like I am mother to a toddler and messy, selfish teenager.

Has anyone any advice? I don’t know how else to get through to him

YABU- he contributes financially and he is unlikely to ever change
YANBU- he needs to start pulling his weight

Hiring a cleaner won't help you to respect him or turn you on.

You'll still have the ick.

The solution isn't a cleaner and you know it.

To answer a couple of questions. He didn’t care about dinner, he was in the office came home after DC went to bed and just made some toast for himself.

He is adamant that he expects me to do nothing for him or around the house. When I say things are too much I can’t continue to do everything he will always say don’t bother cooking for me, just sort yourself and DC. Hd says this knowing cooking for 2 is the same as cooking for 3 so it’s a misnomer.

I would firmly agree a cleaner will not fix this. He would need someone following him around at all times wiping up his various spills and messes. I also agree his job is about him and not me or DC.

Im torn between thinking it is contempt for me and a subconscious expectation that I do everything and he genuinely doesn’t care if he lives in filth and mess. If the house was a tip with piled high dishes, unhoovered floors, things everywhere he genuinely would not care. But then I feel because it matters to me it should matter to him.

We have a long awaited night away planned for next week, I just want to cancel it now. I haven’t spoken to him since I came home to find him lazing around in bed again on Saturday. I just feel so sad and can’t face pretending to be a happy couple

Well maybe this weekend away is a chance to change the conversation from "you should be doing x,y,z" to "why would I want to go away and be romantic with someone who tells me 50 times a week they have no respect for me and don't care about me"? And then wait for an answer. He could (arguably) use the whole "but I don't care about mess thing" up to a point but a) not for dangerous things like the bath water b) not for lifting heavy things for his pregnant wife and generally making her life easier c) not doing the most basic adulting to keep his wife and child's living space habitable. Be very calm and specific. Write it down. Ask him how long he expects you to tolerate a,b and c. Ask him what he thinks his life would look like if you left ? Bearing in mind you'd not be able to leave young children in his care if it's squalid and dangerous? This is well beyond "nagging" about wet towels or the dishwasher.

I would outsource loads if I were you, if you see the outsourcing as his contribution then the little stuff might not matter. So outsource the cleaning, laundry and gardening and a day of childcare and see how you feel after that.

Ban him from the main bathroom and use it with your child. Everything he leaves out - black sack up and throw it in his office and shut the door.
insist that communal areas kitchen and lounge and bedroom are kept clean and tidy - or you will divorce and show him that article.

general job - create a list he picks one you pick one eg mow the lawn and he must do them before he plays on the weekend.

I’ve had this conversation so many times. I sat him down last week and said I don’t want to argue, I’m not going to raise my voice but you need to listen to what I’m saying, you need to do more. I’m doing x,y,z. I’m 7 months pregnant and my workload has not changed. I am up during the night with DC while you get a full nights sleep every night and I have to continue to entertain DC and do every single domestic task the next day. He said he would do better and “help” while on annual leave.

He came home on Friday night, helped himself to all the bread and cheese in the house leaving nothing for DC lunch the following day. I then came home to find him sound asleep on Saturday afternoon, having done absolutely nothing around the house.

Nothing I say makes a difference

@NewMomma21 so what do you want to do about it.

tell him you just don’t see him as an engaged and loving life partner anymore. You want couples counselling to see if this can be saved.

what would he do. Would he be shocked. Would he agree.

if he won’t agree to seek help to make you a stronger family unit. And won’t step up at home - personally I’d rather be on my own and not have an unreliable man child around.

He needs to sort himself out. Both my marriages failed because I refused to be a house maid to some bloke. How you do that I don't know sorry. Maybe counselling and tell him does he realise how close to divorce you are.

There's a huge difference between looking after yourself and a dc and another adult who refuses to do his fair share. Yes, cooking for 3 is the same as cooking for 2, and no, you don't have to do anything for him, but you do have to pick up his dirty pants off the floor if they are in the middle of the bathroom, and wipe down the side after he's made himself a sandwich, and make sure the buildings and contents is insured, and get up in the night for dd etc etc. it's all well and good him saying 'well don't do it' but I'm sure he'd not be saying that if he crashed the car and it wasn't insured, or he came down with food poisoning because he ate gone off food.

Sometimes it's learnt behaviour, other times it's selfishness, but ultimately it shows a complete lack of respect and care about the other person. If you genuinely cared and loved someone, surely you'd want to improve their lives, especially if they've told you how it's making them feel.

OP that's really unfair. Similar situation here as in husband works very long hours so he ain't here much to share the load but he encouraged me to hire a weekly cleaner and I work part time so I'm happy to take the bulk.

Does he help with your child at all? I find I don't get resentment because I have time to do the housework, he isn't messy thankfully and he does what he can when he can. Always does bath and bed time when he's home, is in charge of school runs and swimming lessons one day each week etc.

Unfortunately I don't think your DH will change. Can you get some help in, cleaner, ironing etc?

I think he would be shocked because ultimately for him none of this is a big deal. But maybe we do need some counselling in order for him to really hear what I’m saying.

I was considering asking him to go stay with MIL for a few days. I have suggested this once before when in the final 10 days of pregnancy when covid numbers where sky high and a + result would have resulted him missing the birth of DC, he was insisting on continuing to socialise in pubs and attend a wedding away for a night. He only backed down when my parents said they would come and stay with me in case I went into labour. It was a very, very sad time and I was extremely let down by him and I’m starting to feel like it’s happening again in different circumstances.

I think counselling might be the best option as while I see the reasons why it’s suggested I just couldn’t live a life where I’m bin bagging his belongings and putting them in a room.

That's one thing with adults, but it's not a sustainable approach with small children around. Because they need a minimum amount of cleaning and tidying done in order to be safe. Which means it's a twat move for one parent to unilaterally opt out of it.

Im torn between thinking it is contempt for me and a subconscious expectation that I do everything and he genuinely doesn’t care if he lives in filth and mess. If the house was a tip with piled high dishes, unhoovered floors, things everywhere he genuinely would not care. But then I feel because it matters to me it should matter to him.

He probably doesn't care if the floors are unhoovered and there's rubbish all over. If he were a single man with no kids and living alone then he would be fine to do as he pleases. He's chosen to get married and have children though, so he is no longer the centre of eveything. It sounds like you could cope with him doing less than 50% of everything and outsource some of the cleaning. All you're really asking is for him to pick up after himself, which is very little really. Taking an extra couple of seconds to put rubbish in the bin or dirty clothes in the hamper is the bare minimum a partner should be doing to contribute to the household.

That really is quite telling OP. He has definitely falling into a pattern of very selfish behaviour. I would invite parents to stay again just so you have someone there for you and DC1 early days.

That behaviour during your pregnancy is awful. He wouldn't even prioritise you when you were about to give birth to his first child. Selfish, selfish man.

He is not a generous person at all. He is incredibly selfish.

I would insist on counselling. I would also get my ducks in a row. If he does not change he is going to kill your marriage so you may as well be as prepared as possible for that.

Sorry OP but you and your DC deserve better. He neglects both you and them by failing to provide the basic necessities in life - a clean home, engaged partner and father and appropriate diet.

He's very selfish.

When you come home to rubbish, for example, have you taken him to it and stood over him while he puts it in the bin and then when he takes the bin out? That's what I do with my small DC, and I think that's the only way to treat this behaviour. Same when he packs the dishwasher so it doesn't clean. Make him re-do it. He needs to learn if he's going to pretend he "doesn't see it" or "can't do it right".

This may well kill your marriage, but his behaviour is going to kill it otherwise. Compromise where you can, but don't do it yourself no matter what.

The mess and chaos is one thing but the underlying message is that you are not important enough to him to make him want to change.
That is so hurtful, and breeds resentment which uses up your mental, physical and emotional energy. You must be running on empty by now.
As money seems to be available, I think I would…..

1. Make a list of cleaners, gardeners, ironers, on line grocery shopping places that YOU feel comfortable with.
2. Give him the list and the responsibility to organise as much help as you can.
3. Try to lighten up with your responses to your resentment. The extra help is a means to an end which will ease the pressure a bit for a while.
4. Try to enjoy doing small things with your little one - it can be a time to relax if you can.
5. Give yourself a sort of timeline - I can manage like this, with 2 very small children and lots of help for a year.
6. If you still feel the same then, it’s time to consider separation.

An old colleague of mine once said ‘ If you keep hitting your head on a brick wall, sometime you will realise that it hurts and stop doing it.’ Your situation made me remember this.

In your situation I would just say “I’m cancelling our weekend away. Your behaviour is killing this relationship and I don’t want to spend time with you right now.”

^^

More work for OP.

This is beyond lists or begging or paying people to compensate for his laziness. It’s down to whether he wants this relationship to work.

They need couples’ counselling and a fundamental shift in his attitude or it’s over.

I do t think it is our job to 'raise' men. They either bring it or they don't. If are selfish and bone idle you either decide to live with it or not. They will not change for more than a couple of weeks.

100% this.

So OP, when you spoke to him about this last week, he said he would "help" during his annual leave. Say he gets 6 weeks AL a year, that's just over 10% of the year. Even if he planned on using his entire AL allowance in doing stuff around the house, it is still nowhere near what is needed in order to keep a household running.

I would cancel the night away because I don't know how you can even look at him without being disgusted. And tell him why. And also issue him with an ultimatum - I have tried time and time again to speak with you about this. You disrespect me, you are selfish, and I have had enough. Either you do a complete 180 and you change or else I am filing for divorce. No more second chances. Although the eating all the bread and cheese and leaving none for DC's lunch followed by a nap would be the final straw if it were me.

I would actually just consider asking him to move in with his mother for a while, trial a separation. See how that works for you.

I am going to reiterate what I said before.
Buy in all the help you need, outsource whatever you can outsource.
Use the time you have freed up to rest, prepare for new baby, get all the support you can for birth and afterwards.
When you feel able, get your ducks in a row and get legal advice.
Just ignore him as much as possible.
He won't change.
You need to make sure you have copies of every single piece of finance related/employment related/pension related paperwork. Shares, investments, property. Put everything together safely before you see a solicitor.
Don't give him the opportunity to hide everything.

I know couples where one of them, usually the woman, does everything while the other one earns. I just don't get it, it' not a partnership.

You can buy in help or you can live separately.

He won't change.