Will DH ever change? How can I get through to him?

[NewMomma21]

Looking for advice.

Married to DH for 4 years. We have an 18 month old and I’m almost 30 weeks pregnant. DH has a stressful job; he earns a very good salary and works long hours and travels abroad frequently. He is a good provider and great fun socially.

I would have considered myself happily married but recently I am becoming increasingly resentful of DH. Although he provides financially he does nothing to keep the house running. He doesn’t ever put a wash on. He lets the bins run to overflowing. He does absolutely no cleaning or cooking and frequently will leave a mess behind him whenever he is in the house. Often leaves clothes/towels on the floor. I have to ask multiple, multiple times over the course of days to do things I am physically unable to do (for example lifting heavy loads of washing, emptying bins, quick tidy of the garden). I am left to do everything around the house. Although I work FT I am off for the summer, it doesn’t matter if I’m in work or not he still contributes nothing. On the weekends he often plays golf for one day. On the days he is home and off when LO naps he more or often than not gets into bed for two hours for a nap or scroll on his phone. This is time during the day I use to do a tidy, load of washing, hoover etc.

Recently he was away for over a week (longest trip since covid) and it was just me and LO. Life was much easier. There was no mess to clean up. The house was clean and tidy. No picking up his clothes and litter. I found the extent to which it was easier shocking.

I have tried so many times to ask him for help. Begged. Nagged. Gotten angry, gotten upset. Nothing ever gets through to him. He just doesn’t seem to care. I feel increasingly like I am mother to a toddler and messy, selfish teenager.

Has anyone any advice? I don’t know how else to get through to him

YABU- he contributes financially and he is unlikely to ever change
YANBU- he needs to start pulling his weight

I like cooking so I don't think that counts. Husband does the washing up and hanging out the clothes. We do take the bin out obvs but there are.piles of chaos that need sorting. I hoover maybe once a month. Dust less than that. We don't own an iron. My mum would go nuts in this level of mess. I think maybe my way of life is a reaction to her constantly being on at our feet with the dyson when I was a kid.

Anyway point is I don't think it's objectively bad to refuse to spend time on housework, but it IS objectively bad to expect someone else to do it and know you're making them upset.

(but in his shoes I'd have to leave cos I am constitutionally and psychologically incapable of being tidy)

Anyway point is I don't think it's objectively bad to refuse to spend time on housework, but it IS objectively bad to expect someone else to do it and know you're making them upset.

I agree. It’s the same as ‘doesn’t see mess’ - anyone can learn. It’s the not prioritising someone else’s feelings on it that’s the issue.

This sounds awful op. Sorry you are experiencing this.

This is much more than failing to engage in household tasks. With you having an 18 month old and being 30 weeks pregnant you are right in the trenches of parenthood and it will get even more demanding when your dc2 is born.

How dare he go for a two hour nap and leave his heavily pregnant wife picking up after him? That’s unbelievably selfish and bordering on cruel. How can he live with himself having to be told to pick up heavy stuff for you?

Honestly, I’m sorry to say this when you are obviously vulnerable atm, but I just would not be able to tolerate that behaviour. Or the lack of basic decency and kindness. My dh has a “big” job and travels a lot but still does more than his share when he gets home. He does make a lot of mess too but he does loads of other stuff to contribute.

Is this the sort of relationship you want in the future? Is this the role model you want for your dc? Does his father behave like this?

Next time he is back I would walk out and leave him to look after the 18 month old by himself if safe to do so. And then take discussions from there.

He has a bathroom that he uses for showering and shaving. I don’t generally go in. But he does use our en suite leaving toothpaste everywhere and not replacing the toilet roll. He will bath our LO in the main bathroom- he never tidies away the toys and frequently won’t even bother to empty the bath water would leave it sit for days without any thought.

He lived with friends before me who did tell me he was extremely untidy and one did say inconsiderate to others he lives with.

He’s so good in other ways but the constant mess everywhere he goes is really becoming oppressive and I’m not sure as others have suggested that this is a trait that is ever likely to change.

Crikey I can’t believe some people are blaming his mother? Why is it always a woman who is at fault? Why not blame his father for that matter?

Thanks for the supportive message. I do feel like I’m not going crazy reading the replies.

I have explained that I want LO to grow up in house that has some order and I am aghast at the example of the mother doing everything we are giving him. He frankly doesn’t care because he does not value order and tidiness.

I have explained I carry the load and burden of running the house and it’s not fair. I have told him just this week I cannot tolerate this behaviour anymore and today I came home from a 2 hr trip to a shopping centre to find him unapologetically in bed while LO napped with once again the promise of “help” while on annual leave while the laundry is piled high, food on the floor etc.

He lived with friends before me who did tell me he was extremely untidy and one did say inconsiderate to others he lives with.

So you can't say you weren't warned OP.

I had a specimen like this and I can tell you they don't change. I divorced him and never had kids with him.

I would increase your cleaning lady's hours as soon as you can.

Stop doing any domestic work for him (no washing, ironing, cleaning) and if he complains ask him if his arms are broken ?

I have no other suggestion apart from leaving - sorry.

I sympathise as my DH is very similar. I should have realised this is how he would be as his flat when I met him was revolting. His family all have filthy houses too so it’s normal to him. My kids are starting to take after him now which is the worst part. He doesn’t back me up when I tell them to pick up after myself and just tells me to “chill” 🙄

Is he used to hotels?

Does he think you're the maid?

He lived with friends before me who did tell me he was extremely untidy and one did say inconsiderate to others he lives with.

Yeah DD lived with 4 other roommates in university and 3 of them were like this. She is by no means a neat freak and actually I never demanded a lot of her at home - but she still knew that human beings need to put out the trash and recycling, clean up the kitchen so you don't get rats or mice or cockroaches, clean the bathroom so you don't revolt everyone else. She called me in tears one night after the umpteenth time she had to empty a dishwasher she hadn't filled, clean a countertop she hadn't left food on, and put out trash she hadn't created. It wasn't the work. It was that her dear friends, friends she liked a lot, were demonstrating clearly that they didn't really give a shit about her. Now they no longer live together, they are fine. But she would never marry one of them.

You did OP. Someone who won't even drain the bath or who won't do a load of laundry to spare his pregnant wife ... he isn't going to change. Sorry but he isn't. So, you either skip out now or put in place measures to make your life bearable with him. But don't rely on him changing. He won't.

If you decide to stay, maybe increase the cleaning service a lot. Get someone who does the ironing. Confine him to one bathroom and tell him that is it for him - one bathroom and you won't ever open the door of it. Maybe then you can accept that after he baths your child, you will have to empty the bath. I dunno, it would be a massive massive turn-off for me. I just couldn't respect him but maybe you can because he was like this when you married him (not saying it is your fault it is just you knew that this was his fault and maybe you felt you could cope with it - 2 kids later maybe you can with a lot of rules/extra help).

I have strongly considered not doing any of his laundry anymore. I have stopped cleaning his office. But I feel that stopping the laundry is petty and gives a bad example of conflict resolution to our LO even though they are just a toddler.

He probably would not care if I stopped, he is firmly of the belief that there is no problem money can’t fix and would very very likely bag up his clothes and send them to a laundry service.

Make sure you have your own money. He can spend his on laundry and take aways. Spend yours on days out at the week end. Or ask him how he will manage with 2 dc should you get divorced.. My ex never lifted a finger. For our family or the dc. When we split 2 never saw him. 2 dumped him as soon as were old enough.. Post teen years he saw none.
Work was his one and only.

No advice but I also have one of these man babies op 🙄 I sympathise with you

It sounds like he really does have a disordered view of what is needed in a home with kids I mean leaving the bath water is a safety risk with toddlers. My sons started being more thoughtful and independent when I stepped back but it seems that doesn’t work with your husband. If money is the answer get someone in everyday for a couple of hours to help and make him pay. See if that makes a difference. It doesn’t sound like he is going to change as he’s been this way for years now and in house shares too.

He either pays for regular outsourcing of domestic tasks, or he pays child maintenance. 🤷🏼‍♀️

So let him pay for laundry. Let him run out of pants and sift through crap on his side of the room. Tell him to use his bathroom only as he's so disrespectful of your space. Your toddler doesn't need to know anything about any of this.

I take your point, I was warned and lived with him before we married.

I guess a couple of things changed. He was in the office but now largely WFH which means the untidiness is unrelenting whereas before he was not physically here to make the mess to begin with. We now have a toddler, who at 20 months is still not a great sleeper so I am up most nights and therefore tired with less patience for mess.

I do find it very unattractive. I feel I’m becoming more like a mother to him and spend a lot of time just really annoyed at his lack of consideration for me and our home. I just feel annoyed bordering on rage more and more as I am less able to do things.

But he doesn't want to ' resolve a conflict' does he ? Because he doesn't see there is one, just you refusing to know your place as a sexual housekeeper that doubles as a nanny.

he is firmly of the belief that there is no problem money can’t fix

Now that looks promising ^. So ;

Engage a 'home-help' to do some laundry
Give the cleaner more hours
Order your groceries on-line
Employ a child-minder for one morning a week so you can go shopping/go to the beautician/ have some 'me time'.
Get a catering service in one night a week to do a buffet for you.

I'm sure you can think of more ways that using money can make your life easier.🙂

It really is very upsetting at times. I’m sad that we are both in this situation.

Reading through the replies I think the overwhelming consensus is he is very unlikely to change.

1.Employ a cleaner.

1. Stop tidying up his laundry etc
2. Make it clear you are not doing his laundry and that he has certain chores that you can't do.
3. Stick to it
4. Stick to it even though he gives you a hard time

@NewMomma21 I had one and I left him. I have now been with my tidy, clean partner for 13 years.
Could family not have a word with him? His mum, dad?

So how do you expect it will be when you have the baby? And are you going back to work?

Your life is difficult now, it can only get worse if you stay with him.

He has no reason to change

But even so, stop doing anything for him.

Dump his crap by his side of the bed (move him into another room?)
No cooking, washing anything for him.

Can you get family to help when you have the baby? Afford a doula?

Get your ducks in a row and explore every option

He has no respect. Is he a dirty pig at work?

I get your rage op.

Tbh, even if he is prepared to throw money at the issue, I would feel hurt that he didn’t care enough about the things I cared about ifyswim.

In other words, he would have to have a lot of other attributes to make me stay!

Also if you stay as a sahm you are financially vulnerable.

And if you go back to work, you end up doing all housework as well.

Neither is a very attractive prospect tbh.

Then let him