Will DH ever change? How can I get through to him?

[NewMomma21]

Looking for advice.

Married to DH for 4 years. We have an 18 month old and I’m almost 30 weeks pregnant. DH has a stressful job; he earns a very good salary and works long hours and travels abroad frequently. He is a good provider and great fun socially.

I would have considered myself happily married but recently I am becoming increasingly resentful of DH. Although he provides financially he does nothing to keep the house running. He doesn’t ever put a wash on. He lets the bins run to overflowing. He does absolutely no cleaning or cooking and frequently will leave a mess behind him whenever he is in the house. Often leaves clothes/towels on the floor. I have to ask multiple, multiple times over the course of days to do things I am physically unable to do (for example lifting heavy loads of washing, emptying bins, quick tidy of the garden). I am left to do everything around the house. Although I work FT I am off for the summer, it doesn’t matter if I’m in work or not he still contributes nothing. On the weekends he often plays golf for one day. On the days he is home and off when LO naps he more or often than not gets into bed for two hours for a nap or scroll on his phone. This is time during the day I use to do a tidy, load of washing, hoover etc.

Recently he was away for over a week (longest trip since covid) and it was just me and LO. Life was much easier. There was no mess to clean up. The house was clean and tidy. No picking up his clothes and litter. I found the extent to which it was easier shocking.

I have tried so many times to ask him for help. Begged. Nagged. Gotten angry, gotten upset. Nothing ever gets through to him. He just doesn’t seem to care. I feel increasingly like I am mother to a toddler and messy, selfish teenager.

Has anyone any advice? I don’t know how else to get through to him

YABU- he contributes financially and he is unlikely to ever change
YANBU- he needs to start pulling his weight

Stop doing it, let him go to his sock drawer and find no clean ones. Let the bin overflow. Down tools for a bit. When he questions it say ‘you do it you lazy bastard’

No one here will tell you you’re unreasonable.

Why doesn’t he care? What does he say?

What happened in the early years of your marriage/living together - before kids? Has he always been lazy and selfish?

Do you never leave the toddler with him
and go out? If he’s out one weekend day, do you get equal time off? If not, why not?

He needs to pull his weight but realistically I don't think he will change.

Of course you're not unreasonable but he's not going to change.

Can he pay for a cleaner? I know that won't help with the mess necessarily but could go some way to improve things.

I'm a woman. I hate house stuff. I don't do it unless absolutely forced. My husband is the same, happily, and we are very content in mess. (Had a few embarrassing incidents with visitors going into our extra chaos hiding room but we laugh about it otherwise).

I couldn't bear living with you, op, because tidying is just awful. I feel the person who wants it clean has to do it if the other person doesn't mind mess.

But I didn't marry someone who loves tidiness so I can fortunately please myself.

I think you'll have to learn to live with it or find someone else.

You've become his mum too. Would be interesting as to the role he sees you in.

What was he like before you had children?

Tell him outright how much easier your life was without him.

My ex went away for about a week and realising how much easier my life was without him was the beginning of the end.

You ask him for help but have you asked him for a discussion on this?

Asking for help suggests it is your job to do.

You need to both set out how you think this should go. It sounds like you think both of you should muck in, do you think you should both have equal leisure time? (this is what i believe is desirable, but not everyone wants that). It sounds like he thinks he's the provider and when he is not working he is at leisure.

So discuss. And see where you can go from there. If he agrees to do more he needs to be fully responsible for his tasks, not just do them when you remind him. Or would you be happy to pay for outside help ti allow him to keep his leisure time but guve you more?

He should pull his weight, of course he should, but do you actually think he will change?

I would suggest though if he won’t help out when the baby arrives he should be paying for a cleaner.

Ok so what does he actually say when you ask him? Does he say yes but then not do it? Does he tell you to stop nagging or that it doesn't matter?
I agree with pp to stop doing his stuff. Leave the clothes on the floor, the rubbish etc.

When I try to speak to him he just says stop giving out to me.

He is taking a longer than usual annual leave and for the last couple of weeks when I say anything he says I’ll help more on my annual leave. That just leaves me more infuriated, I don’t get to have annual leave from household duties.

I knew when I met him he was messy but I just feel he has spiralled into outright laziness in recent months. Sometimes I think he thinks because he brings in the good salary it justifies doing practically nothing around the house.

It's so difficult with a lazy man like this. Obviously his DM didn't do her job. Can't you go away for a few days and leave him to it? If the place is a mess when you get back, tell him to get cleaners in.

I have tried so many times to ask him for help.
Try asking him to pull his weight not help.

@Dillydollydingdong it's not his mother's fault! He's an adult. My mum waited on me and my sis despite working full time and I'm ashamed to say we let her. At uni and then after, I learned pretty quick what needs doing if you don't want to live in a chaotic mess. The op can organise things so her clothes are washed. She can pile up his rubbish in bags on top of his side of the bed so the impact of his mess is only inflicted on him. But if he is a father and she isn't a SAHM he's a lazy selfish arsehole to let her do it all.

If he’s loaded get a cleaner. I fear some people just don’t see mess.

@ForestGoblin do you not pick up litter, wash clothes, cook?

He’s treating you like you are the house elf. Dh travels for work, long flights as well, he’ll still take the bins out when he gets home because he’s not a bloody child, why is he leaving wet towels on the floor!? Dh is a very good earner, doesn’t stop him from loading the dishwasher. Also if you are pregnant he should have a natural instinct for making sure you are ok.

Earning a lot of money does not exempt you from caring for your own home or family.

He sees you as his skivvy, as less than him.

Everytime he sees dirty clothes or an overflowing bin, his thought process is - I cba, newmomma can do it because she isn't as important as me.

Nobody who loves you would treat you with so very little respect.

You've got two choices, you can carry on being his bang maid and substitute mum getting more and more resentful or you can leave

He won't change. Why would he?

He does it because he knows he can. You'll argue, shout, maybe get cross or even cry. But then you just get on and do it because he knows that you'll crack before he does.

He's got absolutely no respect for you at all, you've just let yourself become the house maid. And I'm sorry to say that he's not going to change. You have to decide whether or not you're prepared to spend the rest of your life picking up his shit because like it or not, that's all he sees you as good for.

His DM idolises him, she would probably consider me to be quite over the top. Maybe I am but I don’t think it’s much to ask to put the clothes in the laundry basket and dishes in the dishwasher. If he drops food/toothpaste whatever on the floor he doesn’t wipe it up. He will leave it there. If he uses the toilet roll he never bothers to go to the cupboard to replace it. They are seemingly small things in isolation but when it’s all the time it’s just so demoralising.

In relation to a cleaner. We have one that comes bi weekly for a couple of hours but she has taken a number of weeks off as she does every summer.

Have you seen this article?
https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

I’d send it to him.

Every time he leaves a mess he’s saying ‘Not my problem, I’ll leave this for @NewMomma21 to sort out.’ It’s a giant Fuck You because he doesn’t respect you.

Sorry I should clarify I have explained numerous times to him I am not his cleaner or mother and I am not asking him for help and I am asking him to do his fair share. It just all seems to fall on deaf ears. He doesn’t care about mess or untidiness

Do you have a bathroom you can allocate just for yourself? I live with all males. I have my own bathroom. I just stopped cleaning my sons rooms and bathrooms and left them for weeks and they soon learnt that it’s easier to keep on top of it rather than leave it. My husband has always been really good though as we both lived on our own or in house shares until our thirties. Did he come straight from his Mums to living with you?

He doesn’t care about mess or untidiness

Ask him if he cares about you, and your feelings?