Will DH ever change? How can I get through to him?

[NewMomma21]

Looking for advice.

Married to DH for 4 years. We have an 18 month old and I’m almost 30 weeks pregnant. DH has a stressful job; he earns a very good salary and works long hours and travels abroad frequently. He is a good provider and great fun socially.

I would have considered myself happily married but recently I am becoming increasingly resentful of DH. Although he provides financially he does nothing to keep the house running. He doesn’t ever put a wash on. He lets the bins run to overflowing. He does absolutely no cleaning or cooking and frequently will leave a mess behind him whenever he is in the house. Often leaves clothes/towels on the floor. I have to ask multiple, multiple times over the course of days to do things I am physically unable to do (for example lifting heavy loads of washing, emptying bins, quick tidy of the garden). I am left to do everything around the house. Although I work FT I am off for the summer, it doesn’t matter if I’m in work or not he still contributes nothing. On the weekends he often plays golf for one day. On the days he is home and off when LO naps he more or often than not gets into bed for two hours for a nap or scroll on his phone. This is time during the day I use to do a tidy, load of washing, hoover etc.

Recently he was away for over a week (longest trip since covid) and it was just me and LO. Life was much easier. There was no mess to clean up. The house was clean and tidy. No picking up his clothes and litter. I found the extent to which it was easier shocking.

I have tried so many times to ask him for help. Begged. Nagged. Gotten angry, gotten upset. Nothing ever gets through to him. He just doesn’t seem to care. I feel increasingly like I am mother to a toddler and messy, selfish teenager.

Has anyone any advice? I don’t know how else to get through to him

YABU- he contributes financially and he is unlikely to ever change
YANBU- he needs to start pulling his weight

Yanbu x

when is he off work next? If you can, book a nice break for you and a friend and leave him to it.
putting them on the frontline is sometimes the only way they’ll see what it is you have to do on a daily basis.

This is at the crux of it really. I don’t feel we are a team. I carry the mental and frankly physical burden of the entire family and he conflates his financial contribution as equal to that.

In relation to the cleaner. She is s lovely lady. I don’t want to disrespect her by leaving coffee cups inches from the dishwasher for her to put away over a week because DH is just that lazy. I agreed to a cleaner so long as the woman was respected and she wasn’t given degrading jobs to do.

As another poster has alluded to, I hate the example this giving our DC. Dad can leave his food on the floor, or his clothes piled up in a corner why can’t I? Or worse again Dad pays someone to do things for him that are just basic tenants of day to day life.

I wish DH would have a lightbulb moment and recognise he needs to change but again reading these replies I feel that is not going to happen.

You will need to hand him the lightbulb OP he ain’t going to switch it on himself.

Ultimatum: change or leave. That’s the only thing that will get through.

When you just start out together, these things are bearable, but years down the line after the thousandth time of politely asking them to wash their beard hair out of the sink because you don't want to deal with it before you wash your face every morning, or the whole kitchen is a mess after he makes himself a sandwich, it becomes extremely depressing.

I think they do it on purpose. They see you as mother replacement. It must be so hard with being pregnant with an infant and putting up with him leaving mess. He needs to buy help for the household to replace what he isn't doing - which means a daily housekeeper who leaves the place spotless every day. I did this for a couple of barristers who were on the brink of divorce because he would not do a thing in the house and she was pregnant with HG - poor lady. I made their dinner and put it in the oven every night before I left as well.

If he's rich, he can pay for all this, but there's no substitute for team work.
I wouldn't have the idle lump "working from home" under your feet all day either - he needs to go back to the office/go out to work and not stay in the house being a burden on you.

just outsource, you can get a cleaner twice a week &/or housekeeper. There are laundry services that collect washing. I don't iron DH shirts so he just gets the dry cleaners to do it. Tbh I have the attitude life is too short to spent ages tidying & cleaning.

It's rare for men like that change. I think it's something you either need to accept or get divorced since it sounds like it will be easier on your own anyway.

Do you have a spare room? If so, I would move in there. Tell him the bedroom and ensuite is his to keep clean. That's his bathroom from now on.

You and the children will use the other bathroom. You will keep your bedroom and bathroom clean and tidy. If he wants sex then you're only interested in doing it when his bedroom is clean and tidy.

All his mess that he leaves around the house goes in a basket and gets dumped in his room or on his side of the bed.

I have one like this. I stopped doing his washing years ago. I also told him a couple of years ago that as I clean the whole house, it's now his job to clean the family bathroom. It gets done about every 6-8 weeks. I moved all of my stuff to the downstairs loo and don't go in the family bathroom except to shower.

I've also stopped cooking for him regularly. If there's a bit of mine and the kids left over then I'll offer him some but I don't routinely cook for him.

It's not the best way to live but it makes me feel better feeling less of a skivvy to him.

Agree to the dishes cartoon. And this https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

And then sit him down and ask him

1. How sexually attractive does he think a man child is?
2. How would he feel if, when older, your DC had a partner who behaved as he does.

@@NewMomma21

been there, done that. EX now has another mug installed in the house, but she's a slovenly cow (knew her since we were teens) so I can only imagine the state of their place now 🤮

MY hill to die on here would be the bath water, that's a huge risk with a toddler in the house.

I'd try one more time, explaining this is NOT how couples/families work, he needs to be part of the team, part of the family and respecting the family home is part of that, if he can't/won't them he needs to find an apartment on his own.

Why should OP have to fork out because her DH is lazy? This is such a dereliction of basic principles of partnership. It’s not something that can be fixed by throwing money at it.

No, some people really can't stand tidying. What i meant is he needs to recognise the impact of his choices are and either offer solutions or agree to split.

OP - it isn't "lazy". People who hate tidying REALLY hate it. Get no satisfaction from it. Wouldn't care if it didn't happen. It is a total imposition to expect it.

This is who you are married too. It won’t change. Either put up with it, or leave.

For now, I would outsource everything that he will pay for. You are exhausted and pregnant. Just deal with the immediate situation before you get really ill.
Once you have had a chance to get some rest and reduce your workload you can think about what you want to do in the long term.

Always a woman's fault 🙄

Why would I leave??? We love it. I just think tidy people need to realise they aren't "normal" while messy people are bad or lazy or weird. I think it's weird to clean the shower when you could be having fun. No one will lie on their death bed goin"if only I'd paired more socks :( :( :("

@ForestGoblin

😆 What about people who hate picking up after grown men and REALLY hate it? Get no satisfaction from it. Wouldn't care if it didn't happen. It is a total imposition to expect it.

OP - it isn't "lazy". People who hate tidying REALLY hate it. Get no satisfaction from it. Wouldn't care if it didn't happen. It is a total imposition to expect it.

This isn't about "tidying" Have you read the OP's posts?

of course it is lazy to not put the rubbish out and let it spill out over the bins. Of course it is lazy to not drain a bath after you use it.

Come on - we are not talking about deep-cleaning the house here. Just normal stuff that adults do to live in the world. Of course it is lazy. And living in a way that leads to vermin. Do people really think putting out the rubbish and cleaning away food and emptying water is "tidying"

If you want things tidy, you gotta tidy them (or learn to be less into tidyness).

I suppose if you have no children it is your choice to live in a tip, but it is dangerous if you have a toddler or a crawling baby.

Like another poster pointed out, is it the extra work you do or the being a team point? In the short term money fixes it so get him to lay out more and ease the burden.

It's a fact that people can and do pay to make life easier. Shit for you, because he can opt out of doing a fair share.

You cant make his values mirror yours, but it appears he can, and is willing, to pay for you all.to have an easier life.

How you feel.about that lifestyle and whether you break up over it, fight, argue or roll with it is up to you.

That's what playpens are for!

You see, we don't have to learn anything. We can walk away if we don't like it. And plenty do.

It is absolutely lazy to expect others to clean up your mess. It's basic consideration to at least pick up after yourself.