Will DH ever change? How can I get through to him?

[NewMomma21]

Looking for advice.

Married to DH for 4 years. We have an 18 month old and I’m almost 30 weeks pregnant. DH has a stressful job; he earns a very good salary and works long hours and travels abroad frequently. He is a good provider and great fun socially.

I would have considered myself happily married but recently I am becoming increasingly resentful of DH. Although he provides financially he does nothing to keep the house running. He doesn’t ever put a wash on. He lets the bins run to overflowing. He does absolutely no cleaning or cooking and frequently will leave a mess behind him whenever he is in the house. Often leaves clothes/towels on the floor. I have to ask multiple, multiple times over the course of days to do things I am physically unable to do (for example lifting heavy loads of washing, emptying bins, quick tidy of the garden). I am left to do everything around the house. Although I work FT I am off for the summer, it doesn’t matter if I’m in work or not he still contributes nothing. On the weekends he often plays golf for one day. On the days he is home and off when LO naps he more or often than not gets into bed for two hours for a nap or scroll on his phone. This is time during the day I use to do a tidy, load of washing, hoover etc.

Recently he was away for over a week (longest trip since covid) and it was just me and LO. Life was much easier. There was no mess to clean up. The house was clean and tidy. No picking up his clothes and litter. I found the extent to which it was easier shocking.

I have tried so many times to ask him for help. Begged. Nagged. Gotten angry, gotten upset. Nothing ever gets through to him. He just doesn’t seem to care. I feel increasingly like I am mother to a toddler and messy, selfish teenager.

Has anyone any advice? I don’t know how else to get through to him

YABU- he contributes financially and he is unlikely to ever change
YANBU- he needs to start pulling his weight

Leave.

You’re absolutely right. In his mind there is no conflict.

I did not grow up with a lot of money and hate the idea of money allowing a person to be lazy and skip out on their domestic responsibilities however maybe there is something to what you are saying. If I got up tomorrow and said I want our laundry out sourced and you’re paying he wouldn’t bat an eyelid and would happily pay. If I said I want a child minder to free up time for myself he would pay for that and the beauticians. Maybe I need to accept the “out sourcing”. My fear would be that would actually make him more lazy&it doesn’t really solve the problem of the coffee cups lying around or the milk left out. It’s those endless small things I find most demoralising.

Ask him how he would feel if the toddler climbed into the bath water he had left? Or if the crawling baby was licking up something he’d left split on the floor?
Ask him exactly what he’d explain to the health visitor if one of the children got sick because of his slovenly ways?

When the load got to uneven with DH I drew up a schedule of how many hours a week we both worked at work and on household stuff. I asked why there was such a discrepancy.

Seriously stop doing stuff for him. Just have clean stuff for you and the DC and leave him to struggle. Also you might want to point out that being treated like a cross between a housekeeper and a replacement mother isn’t great for the relationship - doesn’t exactly make you fancy him!!

@NewMomma21 - send him this very famous blog post from a man who thought his wife was a nag.

Write him an email & telll him - every single time he does this he is telling you “I don’t respect you. I have contempt for what matters to you. My time is more valuable than yours. You are less than me. Our home means nothing to me”.

Tell him - he will plenty of time to feel annoyed by your “nagging” when he’s sat on his own in a crap flat.

https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

He's doesn't have to do any of it because you will. Stop doing everything OP. Tell him you are exhausted. If he won't do it, maybe he can't hire some help for you? At least until you have some energy back?

Don't waste your time nagging him. It hasn't worked so far.

This reason is why a lot of men find themselves single, over and over again. Because life IS easier without them.

No, of course he's not going to change OP.

This is who he is and he's always been this way. Lots of people aren't bothered by dirt and live in squalor.

Let this be a warning to all the Women reading this.... if you date and move in with a lazy,dirty unhelpful Man....you can't change him.

Has anyone linked the my wife left me as I wouldn't wash up thingy ?
I can't do links 🙂

He won't charge. He might do a few weeks but will always revert to being selfish and lazy because that's who he is.

In relation to his parents. FIL is sadly deceased. MIL as I said absolutely idolises him, he can do no wrong. His success means everything to her. She is not tidy herself, in their family value system career is first and then fun and tidiness is not ranked. If it ever comes up in passing she will often say he gets his untidiness from her. I want to stress I don’t blame her, his actions as a husband and partner are not her responsibility however I do feel that she legitimises his messiness and laziness if the topic arises.

I just have upthread 😃😃

I’m going to read this blog now as I head to bed.

It’s not a bad idea to compile a list of everything I do and go through it with him and really emphasise that leaving me to do all these things on my own demonstrates a total lack of respect and contempt.

Just to add I am not a SAHM, my job allows me to be home for a few weeks over the summer. I contribute financially to our household so I am not beholden to him in that sense. When I am in work I continue with the same amount of domestic tasks.

One way to explain this may be 'price of admission'. If he wants to live alone in squalor, he can. But if he wants to live with you, and as part of a family with his babies, he needs to contribute to making it a safe and comfortable home. That's the price of sharing his/your life, not having everything his way.

@AMuser 😉

He really isn't going to change.

I would absolutely outsource everything you can. I would also resent having to pay for cleaners and ironers and babysitters just so DH could not be an adult - would far rather buy a painting or a holiday or a necklace with that money - but this is your reality. If you aren't actually doing all the hard graft, then maybe the coffee cups and bath water mightn't matter as much to you. You'll be able to see it as just how he is and appreciate his good points (presumably there are lots).

My mum told me you should marry a man whose faults you can bear. I think this is good advice. OP, maybe you can bear this fault. Or maybe you can't. If you can't then you need to have one more serious conversation with him to tell him his attitude might be ok in his world, but it will result in him being divorced.

On a practical level, any chance you could say no more working from home - that it is a dealbreaker?

Yanbu
My ex was like this and pregnancy is the worst time as you're so helpless and vulnerable.

Have a really frank conversation with him saying you feel unwell and physically can't keep up with the housework like you usually do it is bad for you and the baby let's make a plan of what we can do together. If he thinks he can do more then get some smart targets agreed what will he do? When? How will he remember?
If he admits or realizes that he can't/won't then you need to buy in some help a couple of days a week - someone you can direct.

For men that just can't tidy up if you want to move stuff out of sight without the effort of folding everything away what I agreed with an ex was having a temporary dumping box for Possessions like paperwork he didn't file and an extra laundry basket for clean stuff that he doesn't put away yet- then it's in one
Place, not an eye sore, he can't accuse anyone of hiding his stuff and he can put it away on his own schedule (or never - his Call) that's works well if you both use the system

Look at "Bridging the Gap" on Facebook, they have quite a lot of tools and advice about how to approach this and a lot of other women in similar circumstances.

You should do it

If I got up tomorrow and said I want our laundry out sourced and you’re paying he wouldn’t bat an eyelid and would happily pay. If I said I want a child minder to free up time for myself he would pay for that and the beauticians. Maybe I need to accept the “out sourcing”. Yes - do that

My fear would be that would actually make him more lazy is that possible?

&it doesn’t really solve the problem of the coffee cups lying around or the milk left out. It’s those endless small things I find most demoralising.

• *Your cleaning lady will clear those away.

Now you have some 'breathing space' and can get ready to welcome your new DC.

I can relate to the constant messiness, him not seeing it/ not important - my god, how many times we had these rows when we lived together (pre and post-marriage). It was the No.1 issue because in almost all other respects he is great. Similar background of MIL who idolises him and did everything for him (and doesn't understand why I won't )

We are still together and have three kids now. How do we do it? Honestly, we outsource it. I also hate tidying and cleaning so I don't object to paying a cleaner to do all the main jobs. He does all the cooking (better cook than me) and I tidy up each evening. He pulls his weight with childcare. Yes, it still makes me twitch every time I see his pants on the floor, or realise mid-poo that he's used all the loo roll and not replaced it, or go to turn the lights out and find the bath water still in the bath ... but I can live with it.

But doing all the housework myself??? No fucking way, Jose.

Things were easier when he was away. You work, you’re married, he’s a high earner.

Have you given any thought to divorcing him?

He won't change. Why should he when you do everything? His tolerance for dirt or mess is higher than yours so he knows you will give in eventually. Most women do.

So start making a decision. Either put up with this shit for the next thirty years, gradually getting more and more angry and resentful, turning to antidepressants to get you through it all....or start planning your divorce. That's it, there will be no long term middle ground.

Dump his dirty clothes & towels on his side of the bed or on his pillow.

&it doesn’t really solve the problem of the coffee cups lying around or the milk left out. It’s those endless small things I find most demoralising.
Your cleaning lady will clear those away.

Well yes your cleaning lady will clear superficial stuff away but tbh if one person is making mess to this extent and you have dc too, it eventually totally undermines the household (a) bc stuff builds up so much that the cleaning lady refuses to clean and (b) you can’t tell your dc to hang up their wet towels with any credibility when their dad drops his on the floor.

Money will solve the mess and the laundry and all that, but it is not capable of turning your marriage into one where the two of you are working as a team.

So you have to decide where your priorities lie.

My OH is the same. I have decided to do a test this week and just not do anything and see if he notices. I will cook as I have to for the kids and I don't mind that but I'm not going to do anything else. There is currently a pile of his clothes at the bottom of the stairs. I am exhausted picking up after our two kids and I've realised I'm picking up after him too! It's very frustrating!

If he's a high earner, surely this is a classic case of needing to throw money at the problem. More help with cleaning, maybe an ironing service or something, take the emotion out of it and think strategically about what you can pay to get done.