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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want some weekends for us?

138 replies

Chloe442 · 23/07/2023 16:02

I don’t have many friends or family who I can open up to so thought I’d post in here for some advice.

Me and my partner of 2.5 years live together. He has an 8 year old son. My partner split from his soon to be ex wife just over 3 years ago. They are on good terms and I get on fine with her. Their current custody arrangement is that my partner sees their son on a Wednesday (he picks him up from school and he stays for a few hours before meeting the ex half way to drop off) and then picks him up on a Friday after school and he stays with us until Sunday evening.

The problem for me is that my partner has a second job working 6pm-1am every Friday and Saturday night. I look after his son whilst he is at work. I’m not quite sure how this happened I think I offered to watch him in the early days and this has been the norm ever since. I have had 3 conversations with my partner to tell him I’m unhappy being stuck in every weekend with his son. I have asked if maybe he comes over on a Saturday instead of the Friday night so I at least don’t have to rush home from work to watch him. I also asked maybe it could be every other weekend instead of every weekend as we never seem to get any time to ourselves. Each time my partner has said it’s the arrangement they have in place and if their son stays one night less a week he will have to pay £100s to the CSA. (He pays his ex £100 a month directly into her account not through CSA and also buys whatever their son needs or gives her money for whatever she wants them to go halves on, uniform clothes etc).

He has said that if I have plans or want to see friends etc then it’s no problem he will find childcare so I can do that. My problem is I feel like I’m not free to do whatever I want unless it’s booked in advance. I would never ask him to give up the weekend job as we really need the money despite us both working full time day jobs. I just cannot shake the feeling that I’m being mugged off. When told my partner this he said if that’s how I feel he will get his family to watch his son so I am free to do whatever I want or feel like I’m missing out on. This would involve them coming over to the house to watch him. I don’t see how this would work as I would be at home most of the time so it seems pointless having someone here to watch him if I’m here already.

I know I’m at risk of sounding like I’m being completely selfish and maybe I am but I cannot shake this feeling. There is no issue with their son, we have a good relationship and he is so well behaved. I just really feel stressed rushing out of work to get home to watch him and then a bit depressed sat at home on my own (step son usually playing on his games upstairs all weekend) every weekend.

I moved about an hour away from home to live with my partner in his house that he owns. I don’t know if maybe this also plays a part in how I feel as I don’t see my family or friends very often at all and also don’t have any friends here. I think if we were 2.5 years in and it was earlier in the relationship I would cut ties and end it. I’ve just had a promotion in work so my new job is located here where I live so now I feel like I’m completely stuck here - if I ended it I’d have to stay living in this area until I eventually sort a new job closer to home.

I really don’t know what to do because I love my partner so much and his son but I am also really miserable. Any advice welcomed 😊

OP posts:

icelolly12 · 23/07/2023 16:05

It's your selfish dp that's the selfish and tight one not you.

noglow · 23/07/2023 16:07

Tough if it costs him more.

You could offer to do it for £50?

He's a potatohead who needs to sort himself out. He's not interested in seeing his child just not paying for them

pictoosh · 23/07/2023 16:07

Hell no you are not being unreasonable...he's not your kid, it's not your contact time, his dad fucks off to work during HIS contact time and leaves you to it.
Fucking outrageous.
The second job isn't working.

noglow · 23/07/2023 16:07

I think if we were 2.5 years in and it was earlier in the relationship I would cut ties and end it sunk cost fallacy. Get out.

Lacucuracha · 23/07/2023 16:09

YANBU. He is using you for childcare, I would dump him and run.

CapEBarra · 23/07/2023 16:11

Well, he’s managed to get himself a free babysitter so he doesn’t have to care for his own child. His child is there to see him - not you and you should not be doing his childcare for him. I bet the child’s mum is out visiting people and partying every weekend. Tell him he needs to renegotiate either his work or his access to homes when he is available. It’s almost like he’s using the child to control you.

Whaleandsnail6 · 23/07/2023 16:12

I think the second job needs to go. He isnt spending quality time with his son, it isnt fair on you or the son.

pictoosh · 23/07/2023 16:12

If he chose to take a second job with hours the same as his contact time, it's a fucking shit show on his part. He's using you.
2.5 years isn't insignificant I grant you, but it's not an era either. Cut your losses.

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/07/2023 16:13

Totally selfish dh

His son comes over to see him
And he's at work

So he shouldn't be coming over at that time

Or he finds childcare so you can go out
/relax/not worry about someone else's child

uncomfortablydumb53 · 23/07/2023 16:15

It's all very convenient for him isn't
It? However much you like and get on with his DS, he is not your responsibility when DP can work another Job!
I know it's been 2.5 years, but at your cost Leave now if it's what you want before it's 5 years, you can make a plan to get another job near your family before you bring it up as his view won't change

TomatoSandwiches · 23/07/2023 16:15

He is using you, 2.5yrs is nothing, don't stay with this piss taker and shit father because of 2.5yrs.

Noicant · 23/07/2023 16:15

You feel mugged off because you are being mugged off. OP let go of it before it becomes 3yrs then 5yrs, then 10yrs.

minipie · 23/07/2023 16:16

What kind of dad gets himself a job during most of his time with his son?

You are being used OP, by someone who is not a good dad or a good partner. I would leave.

pictoosh · 23/07/2023 16:16

Agree...you feel mugged off because that's what's happening.

Original poster

Chloe442 · 23/07/2023 16:17

I think the issue for him is he’s been doing the second job for almost 15 years so long before their son came along. We met during lockdown where he was on furlough for the weekend job so it was never an issue to begin with. Once lockdown was lifted he had to go back to work and I kind of ended up watching their son. He said whether I’m in the picture or not his son lives here on weekends regardless of who looks after him and that won’t change. So I feel like I would be a guest in my own home. But then I also think he has his son every weekend but it’s not him here to look after him so the arrangement needs to change.

OP posts:

PingPowKaPowWow · 23/07/2023 16:17

He is wrong that reducing a night would cost him hundreds. From experience I think it would cost an extra 20 -40 pounds per month. Try plugging the numbers yourself into the CSA online calculator and give him a copy of the results.

Yes, you shouldn't be looking after the kid on the Friday, however as you seem to agree with him/ think it makes sense, for him to have the second job, probably not much you can do about the Saturday unless you dont think it makes sense for him to work it- if he doesn't need the extra money, for example. With the caveat being if you think he is an ungrateful arse, or if you get the sense he is taking advantage, and not contributing equally, then you know what you need to do.

noglow · 23/07/2023 16:18

What was he doing before you came along? Why did he arrange contact for when no one would be there?

JussathoB · 23/07/2023 16:18

Every weekend doing this is too much. Have another go at discussing it - mention all the positive things but point out it’s too restricting and not fair for it to be every single weekend. He needs to positively work out something better which takes your needs into account.

noglow · 23/07/2023 16:19

And why doesn't mum get any weekend time? Or does she work weekends?

TomatoSandwiches · 23/07/2023 16:19

Who was looking after his son before you came along op?

pictoosh · 23/07/2023 16:21

Well it's an issue now isn't it?
What's the point of his son coming at the weekend when he isn't even there?

I'll tell you...mum can have weekends to herself and dad doesn't have to look after him either. This arrangement suits them to the hilt. Yeeha!

He's your job now.

Original poster

Chloe442 · 23/07/2023 16:22

He split with his ex just before lockdown and was then furloughed during lockdown as we met. He is there all day Saturday and Sunday it’s just the Friday and Saturday nights he isn’t there. I usually work every Saturday so we only really have Sunday to spend together. Sunday is then always the same routine he has a lie in because he is shattered and I’ll do some cleaning/chill a few hours will pass and then it’s time to meet the ex to drop of their son and back to work for us both the next day. I’m so torn because I think he has a huge pressure to please me, his ex and his son. He really is a great dad but has to do the weekend job to keep the mortgage on the house.

OP posts:

Anothernamethesamegame · 23/07/2023 16:23

I’m not surprised the arrangement is not working for you. You are providing free childcare for someone else’s child.

I do think you are making it more complicated than it needs to be though. Personally I think you need to tell him that you are not prepared to do the weekly childcare anymore and that he needs to make an alternative arrangement.

Original poster

Chloe442 · 23/07/2023 16:25

The other arrangement would be his family coming to the house to watch their son. I’m usually home Friday and Saturday evenings as I don’t have any friends or family here so I would literally be in the house with his family who are watching their son. It doesn’t make sense. I’d like to be able to come home from work and chill not entertain their son and his family who are watching him.

OP posts:

MrsDrDear · 23/07/2023 16:27

I agree just tell him to make alternative arrangements. He struck lucky getting a live in childminder didn't he?

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