AIBU to want some weekends for us?

[Chloe442]

I don’t have many friends or family who I can open up to so thought I’d post in here for some advice.

Me and my partner of 2.5 years live together. He has an 8 year old son. My partner split from his soon to be ex wife just over 3 years ago. They are on good terms and I get on fine with her. Their current custody arrangement is that my partner sees their son on a Wednesday (he picks him up from school and he stays for a few hours before meeting the ex half way to drop off) and then picks him up on a Friday after school and he stays with us until Sunday evening.

The problem for me is that my partner has a second job working 6pm-1am every Friday and Saturday night. I look after his son whilst he is at work. I’m not quite sure how this happened I think I offered to watch him in the early days and this has been the norm ever since. I have had 3 conversations with my partner to tell him I’m unhappy being stuck in every weekend with his son. I have asked if maybe he comes over on a Saturday instead of the Friday night so I at least don’t have to rush home from work to watch him. I also asked maybe it could be every other weekend instead of every weekend as we never seem to get any time to ourselves. Each time my partner has said it’s the arrangement they have in place and if their son stays one night less a week he will have to pay £100s to the CSA. (He pays his ex £100 a month directly into her account not through CSA and also buys whatever their son needs or gives her money for whatever she wants them to go halves on, uniform clothes etc).

He has said that if I have plans or want to see friends etc then it’s no problem he will find childcare so I can do that. My problem is I feel like I’m not free to do whatever I want unless it’s booked in advance. I would never ask him to give up the weekend job as we really need the money despite us both working full time day jobs. I just cannot shake the feeling that I’m being mugged off. When told my partner this he said if that’s how I feel he will get his family to watch his son so I am free to do whatever I want or feel like I’m missing out on. This would involve them coming over to the house to watch him. I don’t see how this would work as I would be at home most of the time so it seems pointless having someone here to watch him if I’m here already.

I know I’m at risk of sounding like I’m being completely selfish and maybe I am but I cannot shake this feeling. There is no issue with their son, we have a good relationship and he is so well behaved. I just really feel stressed rushing out of work to get home to watch him and then a bit depressed sat at home on my own (step son usually playing on his games upstairs all weekend) every weekend.

I moved about an hour away from home to live with my partner in his house that he owns. I don’t know if maybe this also plays a part in how I feel as I don’t see my family or friends very often at all and also don’t have any friends here. I think if we were 2.5 years in and it was earlier in the relationship I would cut ties and end it. I’ve just had a promotion in work so my new job is located here where I live so now I feel like I’m completely stuck here - if I ended it I’d have to stay living in this area until I eventually sort a new job closer to home.

I really don’t know what to do because I love my partner so much and his son but I am also really miserable. Any advice welcomed 😊

I’m assuming after school or school holidays although I did wonder as much myself.

How does the child's mother feel about never having a weekend night with het son? Is she happy with he arrangement?

Poor kid isn't getting quality time with either parent. Its not fair on anyonr. Least of all you.

I'd leave tbh . Your partner is very selfish.

@Chloe442 has the recent payment of £100 to her, coincided with the extra £200 you're giving him?

Was going to say exactly this. The relationship is not working for you and that's unlikely to change regardless of how much effort you put in. Rational thing to do is get out before you're more deeply committed.

@ASimpleLampoon As far as I can tell she wants her weekends to spend with her partner. She does on ocassion ask to have him if she has plans or wants to go away for the weekend with him but I’d say probably only 3 times a year.

So you're 28 and you're in a relationship whereby on both Friday and Saturday nights, you can't do anything or just chill out in your home as you have to babysit your partner's DC. He's treating you as the paid help, the live in housekeeper and childminder.

You're 28, leave him and find someone else who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Someone that you can look forward to the weekend with.

@TwinsPlusAnotherOne no, I haven’t changed how much I give him each month yet. I’m waiting for us to have a proper discussion about incomings outgoings beforehand.

How much are you paying towards bills?

it must be a significant amount to say you’re upping it by £200 to meet additional costs of living. So what will you be paying- £500? £600?

By comparison, this man is paying £100 towards his son’s bills for 5 nights out of 7 each week. Water, heat, electricity, food, insurance. £100 is a pittance.

And it’s fine to say “we’ll be pays for half of things the child needs” but unless he’s paying towards utility bills, he’s not.

So you have a man who is happy to basically make a profit by having you live with him, but then pretends that £100/month is enough for his child?

You said, ' I would end it' and 'I am miserable'.

You don't have to stay living in his house , why not try renting somewhere?
I think people are distracted by the childcare bit of your post, but ultimately you can't come home after a long commute and relax in the place where you live. This is not okay.
Rent somewhere else where you can - you can always go back and live together after six months if you realise you are happier with him and his son.
How old are you both?
(Also, 2.5 years is nothing at all).
Be true to yourself - listen to yourself and read back what you posted, underline the two most important sentences for you.

He's treating you as the paid help, the live in housekeeper and childminder.

He doesn’t pay her, she pays him.

Sorry, just saw that you're 28.
And that ' you'd love children ' ... ' he doesn't want anymore'.
There's your decision, right there. Rip the plaster off, OP.

I was initially thinking there could be ways to make this work. However op, the more I read the worse it sounds.

Are you actually getting anything of value from this relationship? What were you hoping for when you uprooted your life to go and live with this man, and how is the reality measuring up to that?

How do you want your life to be in six months time? Two years time? Longer? Do you think it can ever be that, while you are in this situation, and if not, is that something you are willing to sacrifice?