AIBU to want some weekends for us?

[Chloe442]

I don’t have many friends or family who I can open up to so thought I’d post in here for some advice.

Me and my partner of 2.5 years live together. He has an 8 year old son. My partner split from his soon to be ex wife just over 3 years ago. They are on good terms and I get on fine with her. Their current custody arrangement is that my partner sees their son on a Wednesday (he picks him up from school and he stays for a few hours before meeting the ex half way to drop off) and then picks him up on a Friday after school and he stays with us until Sunday evening.

The problem for me is that my partner has a second job working 6pm-1am every Friday and Saturday night. I look after his son whilst he is at work. I’m not quite sure how this happened I think I offered to watch him in the early days and this has been the norm ever since. I have had 3 conversations with my partner to tell him I’m unhappy being stuck in every weekend with his son. I have asked if maybe he comes over on a Saturday instead of the Friday night so I at least don’t have to rush home from work to watch him. I also asked maybe it could be every other weekend instead of every weekend as we never seem to get any time to ourselves. Each time my partner has said it’s the arrangement they have in place and if their son stays one night less a week he will have to pay £100s to the CSA. (He pays his ex £100 a month directly into her account not through CSA and also buys whatever their son needs or gives her money for whatever she wants them to go halves on, uniform clothes etc).

He has said that if I have plans or want to see friends etc then it’s no problem he will find childcare so I can do that. My problem is I feel like I’m not free to do whatever I want unless it’s booked in advance. I would never ask him to give up the weekend job as we really need the money despite us both working full time day jobs. I just cannot shake the feeling that I’m being mugged off. When told my partner this he said if that’s how I feel he will get his family to watch his son so I am free to do whatever I want or feel like I’m missing out on. This would involve them coming over to the house to watch him. I don’t see how this would work as I would be at home most of the time so it seems pointless having someone here to watch him if I’m here already.

I know I’m at risk of sounding like I’m being completely selfish and maybe I am but I cannot shake this feeling. There is no issue with their son, we have a good relationship and he is so well behaved. I just really feel stressed rushing out of work to get home to watch him and then a bit depressed sat at home on my own (step son usually playing on his games upstairs all weekend) every weekend.

I moved about an hour away from home to live with my partner in his house that he owns. I don’t know if maybe this also plays a part in how I feel as I don’t see my family or friends very often at all and also don’t have any friends here. I think if we were 2.5 years in and it was earlier in the relationship I would cut ties and end it. I’ve just had a promotion in work so my new job is located here where I live so now I feel like I’m completely stuck here - if I ended it I’d have to stay living in this area until I eventually sort a new job closer to home.

I really don’t know what to do because I love my partner so much and his son but I am also really miserable. Any advice welcomed 😊

I’m not sure what the issue is. Presumably your oh works full time through the week and then also works Friday and Saturday night 6pm- 1am because you need the money? Yes it’s awful that he has to work so many hours but sometimes that’s what people have to do to make sure bills are paid and food is on the table. He has said he will organise alternative care for his child so you don’t have to do it and are free to do what you like on Friday and Saturday nights. So why not just leave him to do that and you make your own plans.

Youre not being selfish.
You partner shouldnt arrange to have his son when hes at work.
He needs to be there.
Alternate weekends, or at least 1 weekend night free per week is not an unreasonable request, if it means more csa so be it.
He could look for an evening job thats not on the nights he has his son. Or perhaps have him during the week instead but it does need to work for his DS too.
Could his family not look after him in their home rather than yours?
I would actually start arranging things with friends or even go to cinema by myself to force him to step up.
But tbh like a pp said its probably a sunk cost fallacy staying with him, you are likely to be continually relied upon for childcare on a regular basis and if youre not happy with it , which is not unreasonable , then its time to move on.

I think you need to leave and get a place of your own. You can keep the relationship you just need your own space.

@noglow she has him Mon Tues Thurs Fri. My partner works during the week and she works saturday so it’s the arrangement they made just before I met him.

Time to find some friends, any clubs you could join? Any new hobbies you could take up?
Regardless of the childcare issue, you need to make a life for yourself that doesn't revolve around your partner and his needs.

@Spacecowboys the alternative childcare will still be at home. I don’t have any friends or family here so hardly ever have plans. I’d feel I need to go out if his family are here looking after his son. I don’t have anywhere to go and would just want to finish work and come home and chill most weekends.

This doesn't sound like an equal partnership at all. Are you happy?

I’m so torn because I think he has a huge pressure to please me

I'm not seeing that at all...

Anyway, make plans for a couple of weekends, at least. Go back and stay with friends and family. See how he gets on asking his family for childcare Fri/Sat every weekend. Hopefully it fails.

If not, find somewhere else to live if he won't compromise further.

And double up on contraception.

No I’m really not. I love him and his son. I knew he had a son as soon as we met and I also knew about the second job. I don’t know what I thought happened with childcare but I never imagined it would be me every weekend. I think this is the set way it works for him, the ex and their son. It just doesn’t work for me and after 3 conversations with him about it and no change I don’t know what to do. I feel like I gave up my home, friends, family and now job for him and I’m not getting much back.

Cultivate a life outside your relationship and think about how many weekends you’re prepared to do childcare, then do no more. I’d be visiting my family a lot if I were you. He cannot rely on you for this.

I don’t think anyone is massively in the wrong, I just think things aren’t compatible.

he’s said he’ll sort alternative childcare but That doesn’t really work for you for the reasons you said.

Perhaps this is part of the problem. From the sounds of it , even if your step child wasn’t there every weekend, you’d still just be sat at home anyway whilst your oh works. Making friends and having people to socialise with would probably make you feel a lot better. What about work colleagues?

He's very lucky to be saving himself all that money in childcare! Live-in nanny, presumably you cook and clean too, contribute to bills as well? If you go on to have kids with him then you can say goodbye to any semblance of an equal relationship.

If you got a promotion then can you feasibly see how you go while planning a route back home or where-ever the wind takes you. A promotion should mean you've got a broader scope of potential jobs at hopefully a decent level once you prove yourself, so it's not as though you'd have to start from square one whatever you decide.

All that said, situations like this rarely can be resolved in a way which makes everyone happy. One or both of you will become resentful. If you're in his house, his assumption is that you should look after his kid. I doubt he sees the setup in any way unreasonable which is why he thinks it's a pretty good compromise that you can do 'whatever you want' as long as you pre-book it in advance, and even in that instance if his childcare falls through then you can sure as hell bet that your night out with friends will be cancelled.

You either need to build a life there together or leave. You could try doing something to make friends, or at least acquaintances. Join a club or 2. Join a gym with a jacuzzi /sauna to chill for a bit on a Friday. Ask work colleagues to go for a drink after work etc. Have a plan of a walk, film, cook dinner together... On a Sunday eve so you enjoy that time. Visit family once a month for a night. You seem to be being a bit passive and not trying to change things yourself.

Yep I totally agree. Because I commuted 2-3 hours a day for work I haven’t had much chance to make any new friends. I was hoping with this new job I would start to make friends and get a bit more of a life for myself. I’m the manager so I’m not sure quite how friendly I would want to be with my colleagues outside of work.

OP can I ask why his family would have to come to your house to care for DH's child? Does he not have GP's who could have him overnight, or even for the odd weekend?

I'd just agree that you'd like to go out Friday night with friends or visit your family. Let him find alternative childcare for Friday evenings.

@UpaladderwatchingTV his parents live in a one bedroom flat. He dad works some weekends usually 7-7 either days or nights it changes. His mum isn’t in the best health so it would be his dad/brother looking after his son and my partner seems to think it can only be at our house. I guess he doesn’t want to ruin his sons routine too much and his son is also glued to his ps5 so makes sense for him to be at his home with his things and toys etc.

Can you choose Friday night to go back to your family and friends to visit, returning on Saturday when your DP has finished work?

Alternatively can you rent in your new area, see how you get on living separately to DP for a while?

Could you go to the cinema on your own or arrange to do something with colleagues after work on Friday evening, alternatively could you travel to see your family Friday evening and come back Saturday evening or Sunday morning leaving your DP to dort out his DC. Maybe it would encourage him to give his DC some attention instead of leaving all childcare to you.

I could to make a point but realistically it wouldn’t be every Friday. I work until 6pm and then back in at 7/8am Saturday morning. My family and friends at home all have their own separate things going on so I think unless something is booked in I’d turn up to empty houses and be wandering around my home town with nowhere to really go.

Make plans to move out or you’ll have more years of this. Don’t set yourself on fire to kee someone else warm.

Your partner has it set up like this for his benefit

Thanks for answering my last question OP. What about the child's mother, I think you said she works Saturday's, but could her parent's or any other family mind him during the day, so that she could have every other weekend with her DS? That would at least give you more time to spend with your DP. Also, would it be possible for you to go back to your old home town after work every other Friday and spend Saturday with your parents and Saturday night with friends, then return sometime on the Sunday. That way you would get to catch up with family etc., and your DP could arrange for his Dad or brother to mind his son through the evening, and would get some one on one time with him during the day, rather than you having to always spend every weekend with his son always being there? Just some thoughts to throw into the mix.

I think this is the set way it works for him, the ex and their son.

But it only work for him, his ex and his son because you provide childcare. If you weren’t there they’d need to work something out - I doubt his family would tie themselves to childcare every weekend. It’s been 3 years since lockdown and it’s reasonable that what worked then, when he was furloughed, won’t work now. He needs to renegotiate and you need a life outside of work and childcare.

Take him up on that offer of a babysitter.