AIBU to want some weekends for us?

[Chloe442]

I don’t have many friends or family who I can open up to so thought I’d post in here for some advice.

Me and my partner of 2.5 years live together. He has an 8 year old son. My partner split from his soon to be ex wife just over 3 years ago. They are on good terms and I get on fine with her. Their current custody arrangement is that my partner sees their son on a Wednesday (he picks him up from school and he stays for a few hours before meeting the ex half way to drop off) and then picks him up on a Friday after school and he stays with us until Sunday evening.

The problem for me is that my partner has a second job working 6pm-1am every Friday and Saturday night. I look after his son whilst he is at work. I’m not quite sure how this happened I think I offered to watch him in the early days and this has been the norm ever since. I have had 3 conversations with my partner to tell him I’m unhappy being stuck in every weekend with his son. I have asked if maybe he comes over on a Saturday instead of the Friday night so I at least don’t have to rush home from work to watch him. I also asked maybe it could be every other weekend instead of every weekend as we never seem to get any time to ourselves. Each time my partner has said it’s the arrangement they have in place and if their son stays one night less a week he will have to pay £100s to the CSA. (He pays his ex £100 a month directly into her account not through CSA and also buys whatever their son needs or gives her money for whatever she wants them to go halves on, uniform clothes etc).

He has said that if I have plans or want to see friends etc then it’s no problem he will find childcare so I can do that. My problem is I feel like I’m not free to do whatever I want unless it’s booked in advance. I would never ask him to give up the weekend job as we really need the money despite us both working full time day jobs. I just cannot shake the feeling that I’m being mugged off. When told my partner this he said if that’s how I feel he will get his family to watch his son so I am free to do whatever I want or feel like I’m missing out on. This would involve them coming over to the house to watch him. I don’t see how this would work as I would be at home most of the time so it seems pointless having someone here to watch him if I’m here already.

I know I’m at risk of sounding like I’m being completely selfish and maybe I am but I cannot shake this feeling. There is no issue with their son, we have a good relationship and he is so well behaved. I just really feel stressed rushing out of work to get home to watch him and then a bit depressed sat at home on my own (step son usually playing on his games upstairs all weekend) every weekend.

I moved about an hour away from home to live with my partner in his house that he owns. I don’t know if maybe this also plays a part in how I feel as I don’t see my family or friends very often at all and also don’t have any friends here. I think if we were 2.5 years in and it was earlier in the relationship I would cut ties and end it. I’ve just had a promotion in work so my new job is located here where I live so now I feel like I’m completely stuck here - if I ended it I’d have to stay living in this area until I eventually sort a new job closer to home.

I really don’t know what to do because I love my partner so much and his son but I am also really miserable. Any advice welcomed 😊

Why has he taken on a weekend job if it's his contact time? What a shit Dad! Tell him you're busy for the next 13 years at the weekend or dump him!

@Tessabelle74 he had the second job before their son was born whilst they were still together. He cannot give up the job financially speaking not as things are going at the moment with the cost of living etc.

Then something needs to give! Either you need to accept things as they are for the next 13 years or you need to decide you're not up for being used for childcare and leave. I'm sorry but that's the only 2 options

Who watches the son during school holidays?

And, whatever you do, don’t have a child with this man. You’ll be even more isolated and stuck.

They each take two weeks off. So my partner has him now for 2 weeks (aside from the Friday and Saturday nights) and his mum will have him for the two weeks after. The last two weeks they go back to the normal routine and he goes to a football club during the times he would normally be at school.

I meant all holidays. Christmas, Easter, half terms.

So he split up with his ex 6m before he found you and you’re now moved into his house and looking after his kid while he goes out to work a second job?

how would he have managed if you weren’t on the scene?

you ARE being mugged off! 2.5 years in and you’re stuck holding the baby?

nah! Your suggestion that he collects his ds on the Saturday makes far better sense

IMO don’t fall for this bollocks, don’t get caught up in what is ONLY a very short relationship.

get out and get yourself onto your own 2 feet. You don’t owe him anything. He’s taking the piss.

Nope.

It's about £160 p/wk for one child, when the NRP earns £80k a year, and has him zero nights.

(Ask me how I know lol)

So if this guy is working this hard to make ends meet, he's not on anything like this.

If he's on nmw, working 52 hours a week, 52 weeks a year, it puts him on just under £30k and grosses him approx £2400 p/mth.

Popping that into the calculator, reducing his contact to just one night a week, would mean he needed to pay £288 p/mth. For the two nights he currently does it would be £246.

And he currently pays £100 p/mth, plus half of everything else, and has him two nights a week (which are full day weekends as well, not days when he's at school and doesn't need day time childcare). Plus he has him every Wednesday, just not to sleep, so you incur all the cost but not the reduced maintenance because the mum has him sleep at hers.

Ask yourself, having him there every weekend, every Wednesday evening, and the half of everything the mum gets...is that more than £146? I can bet you it is.

If you changed the arrangement to every week, but just the Friday, it would be far fairer. Weekend childcare, when needed every weekend, is difficult. So why should that fall 100% to the father if both parents work weekends? Why can't her partner look after the child, like you do, one night each week?

And instead of all these little amounts all month and £100, he makes one payment of £288, but halves his costs when DS is there, because the expensive time for school age children is the weekends.

Sounds like he owes you £100 per weekend

If you want to be pedantic 'NewNovember', then can I suggest your read before you post!

I'd be making plans to go back to hometown every 2nd weekend. You are allowed a social life outside of him and it seems you have sacrificed that to be with him.

@UnsungShero Contraception failed once, I fell pregnant but ended up miscarrying. I’ve made sure that won’t happen again. The sad thing is I’d love to have a child of my own but definitely not as things are at the moment not in these circumstances.

Send son and PS 5 to his parents at the weekend....maybe every other weekend...

@excelledyourself they usually stick to the same routine and each take time off work when the other can’t or he goes into football club.

Typing a word twice is not the same as a fact being wrong. ( My keyboard is dodgy)

You are definitely not being unreasonable. He is.

He's seeing you as a houseguest, not as a partner. It's a bit much just expecting that you'll be his childminder every weekend and never have quiet time in your own home.

I'd be getting yourself out and about - book a yoga class, find a book club, running group, knitting group - whatever you're into or whatever is on 6-9 on a Friday night. Prove the point that it's not going to be so easy long term for your DH to magically find childcare on a regular basis.

If he can change it because I’m not in the picture why can’t he change it to make me happier

This is exactly the problem.

You are making his life very convenient so he has no incentive to change. What is he doing for you?

You seem to have got the short end of the straw. Did you really move jobs and away from your network to do his childcare did him ?

Because that's how this is reading to me.

You need to leave. It really is that simple.

You want a child of your own, this guy will leave you to do everything while he twats about every weekend and you'll be babysitting his existing son too.

He is not the one for you.

I suggest you make plans to be out each weekend until you can leave. Going places alone is actually a lot of fun, or you can sign up for activities

Of course you are conveniently being used OP.

Look at returning to your home town.

You deserve better than this.

Is there an age gap?

Around 2.5 years. He’s 31 I’m 28.

@blacknredsweeties 2.5 years, he’s 31 I’m 28.

You can’t try and change, especially to reduce the amount of time someone is responsible for their child. I can see how you slipped into this situation and now aren’t happy with it, but the result of that is that you have to leave if you can’t put up with it. You don’t tell someone that they can’t have their child in their own home.

The house you live in is as much his child’s home as it is yours and your dp can’t do much more than offer to get a babysitter when you don’t want to do the childcare. He’s being a good dad by prioritising his sons need to be in his second home rather than trying to ship him off to yet another one to keep his girlfriend happy. What else can he he realistically do?

It seems to me OP that if what you're telling us is true, and we have no reason to doubt this, then neither of the child's parents want to take your opinions into account, even though you're bearing the responsibility for a lot of the child care. I think from everything else you've said, you would now be better off leaving, and either get another job back where your friends are, or getting a place of your own, whether it be rented or purchased, assuming as a manager that you can afford this, and building a new social life where you are. Please don't waste any more time, with this man, as he obviously doesn't really care about you or your opinions, and is still too wrapped up in doing what his ex wants him to do.