AIBU to want some weekends for us?

[Chloe442]

I don’t have many friends or family who I can open up to so thought I’d post in here for some advice.

Me and my partner of 2.5 years live together. He has an 8 year old son. My partner split from his soon to be ex wife just over 3 years ago. They are on good terms and I get on fine with her. Their current custody arrangement is that my partner sees their son on a Wednesday (he picks him up from school and he stays for a few hours before meeting the ex half way to drop off) and then picks him up on a Friday after school and he stays with us until Sunday evening.

The problem for me is that my partner has a second job working 6pm-1am every Friday and Saturday night. I look after his son whilst he is at work. I’m not quite sure how this happened I think I offered to watch him in the early days and this has been the norm ever since. I have had 3 conversations with my partner to tell him I’m unhappy being stuck in every weekend with his son. I have asked if maybe he comes over on a Saturday instead of the Friday night so I at least don’t have to rush home from work to watch him. I also asked maybe it could be every other weekend instead of every weekend as we never seem to get any time to ourselves. Each time my partner has said it’s the arrangement they have in place and if their son stays one night less a week he will have to pay £100s to the CSA. (He pays his ex £100 a month directly into her account not through CSA and also buys whatever their son needs or gives her money for whatever she wants them to go halves on, uniform clothes etc).

He has said that if I have plans or want to see friends etc then it’s no problem he will find childcare so I can do that. My problem is I feel like I’m not free to do whatever I want unless it’s booked in advance. I would never ask him to give up the weekend job as we really need the money despite us both working full time day jobs. I just cannot shake the feeling that I’m being mugged off. When told my partner this he said if that’s how I feel he will get his family to watch his son so I am free to do whatever I want or feel like I’m missing out on. This would involve them coming over to the house to watch him. I don’t see how this would work as I would be at home most of the time so it seems pointless having someone here to watch him if I’m here already.

I know I’m at risk of sounding like I’m being completely selfish and maybe I am but I cannot shake this feeling. There is no issue with their son, we have a good relationship and he is so well behaved. I just really feel stressed rushing out of work to get home to watch him and then a bit depressed sat at home on my own (step son usually playing on his games upstairs all weekend) every weekend.

I moved about an hour away from home to live with my partner in his house that he owns. I don’t know if maybe this also plays a part in how I feel as I don’t see my family or friends very often at all and also don’t have any friends here. I think if we were 2.5 years in and it was earlier in the relationship I would cut ties and end it. I’ve just had a promotion in work so my new job is located here where I live so now I feel like I’m completely stuck here - if I ended it I’d have to stay living in this area until I eventually sort a new job closer to home.

I really don’t know what to do because I love my partner so much and his son but I am also really miserable. Any advice welcomed 😊

so I at least don’t have to rush home from work to watch him.

if I have plans or want to see friends etc then it’s no problem he will find childcare

Start having plans. Every week. You can soon find something to do. You have fallen into providing a lot of childcare and of course he doesn't do anything else, since you are there.

Don't be. Once he has a solution for the childcare you will be save coming home and letting the childcare continue. If, of course, he means it when he says it's no problem got him to find childcare when you are not around.

Find out. Start next weekend.

If you don't want to do that, then move out again pronto. Maybe move out anyway.

I think your dp finds it very convenient you living with him and providing child care! Are you on any deeds/mortgage for the property?

@UpaladderwatchingTV I suggested something similar to my partner when we had a long discussion about it all. I suggested his ex have their son every other weekend or even one weekend a month so I could make plans with friends or he could take a night off work and we could do something together just the two of us. The ex’s response was pretty much no. She has about 4 weekends off a year (not sure if that’s quite true) and on those weekends she wants to do things with her partner (oh the irony). I will be making plans for a girls weekend at home etc but it won’t be a regular thing as all my friends have kids/partners and other things going on. My mum and I have a strange relationship since she suffered a stroke a few years ago so going to visit her is really tough and emotionally draining. My dad is in the process of moving house with his new partner so doesn’t have much free time. I guess I need to make some friends here and start to build a life for myself outside of my partner and his son. I just don’t know how to go about it really.

YADNBU X

It's not her her house it's her dp's house.

I think people are reading the op wrong. Her partner is more than happy to arrange alternative childcare in his house for his son the op is not allowing this to happen. Nobody is being taken advantage of. The child shoukd not need to leave his/his dads home to be looked after.

@Goodadvice1980 No. He bought the house with his ex then bought her out when they split. I moved in and pay towards bills etc but have no shares in the house. The plan is to wait a few years (time to save and for me to improve my credit score) before we buy a new different house together. I just don’t want to get to that stage with things the way they are as I can’t see myself being happy if they remain the same.

Sorry hut YABU, he had offered to arrange other childcare, offered his family to watch his son? This is what happens when you get into a relationship with someone who already has a child, they come as a package.

my husband has his girls every weekend, could you offer maybe alternated weeks? So one week Saturday to Sunday and the next week Friday to Saturday?

it would seem unfair for him to go to every other weekend because you need to remember this is the routine the child is in.. my husband does alternated weeks and it’s much better! One week for him is Thursday to Saturday then the week after Friday to Sunday so it means we can always plan if ever we want to go out together.

how would sons mum feel about offering alternated weeks? She may be happy to do this?

if I’m not in work I’m at home watching the children including my own and my stepchildren, I just accept the fact we’re a blended family now and I see it as would I have a problem watching them at home if it were my own children? No..

I definitely wouldn’t suggest reducing the contact though, offer alternated arrangements going forward and see how that goes.

I think the really difficult bit to solve is having someone else watch him in the house. It's your ex's house, so it difficult to dictate to him and I can see why he would want his son to spend his weekends at home. Plus if I was the brother or the dad I would much rather watch the son in his house where all his things are. I think you have three options:

1. suck it up and carry on. Get him to sort a babysitter and be prepared to have to pre plan nights out with a bit of advanced notice

2. have a frank conversation to point out to DP that his current custody situation doesn't work as he is not actually spending time with his son and you are not prepared to babysit every weekend or host a babysitter in the house every weekend. Make it clear this is where you are drawing the line.

3. cut your losses and leave.

I would go for option 3 personally. Because option one isn't fair on you and sucks, option two might get some traction but ultimately I think you will end up back in the position you are now. Having wasted more years of your life.

It’s not that I’m not allowing it to happen it’s that I would feel the need to go out if someone else was to come over and watch his son. This would work fine on the occasions I had plans but when I don’t I’m left to wander around with nowhere to go. Also that childcare would not be reliable. It would be the odd night here and there or odd weekend.

OP there's no solution to this that's going to work for you. Unfortunately his life isn't compatible with how you want yours. I think you are going to have you split up of you don't want to live like this (and I wouldn't want to either).

He saw you coming OP. You're being completely used. Move out, find someone who actually cares about you.

So if you weren’t around @Chloe442 his family would be happy to watch his son every other weekend with no end in sight until he ages out of needing child sitting?

You have no personal time to yourself now at weekends and no couple time…

You can’t plan anything on the spur of the moment.

and this is before the topic of you having children with him is raised.

I’d be finding my own space. Building my own credit rating and not being a complete mug.

It’s not that I want him to reduce contact at all. He’s a great dad and I really do love his son. Maybe it’s different as I don’t have any children of my own. I completely agree that there needs to be some routine as it isn’t fair on his son. I also agree that his time to have his son should be at his home where all his sons toys, things etc are. My problem is that his time to have his son also includes time when he’s not actually there to have his son.

Also your point about CMS. If that is a big factor in why it's every weekend it might actually be worth pointing out to him that your food/entertainment costs may well drop by the same £100 if he has him every other weekend. Or maybe he could look to having two week nights one week and a weekend the other?

Though he sounds like an arse and I would be running for the hills.

He sounds like a selfish partner and selfish Dad.

Tell him to move so he can give the second job up, spend time with his son and his parnter.

I agree. I think the real issue is that the op wants her partner to reduce his weekend working. Which he obviously doesn’t feel able to do financially.

It’s very unlikely. I imagine if I wasn’t around he would manage to get childcare for a while whilst taking the odd night off work before eventually having to change the arrangement with his ex. This is my problem. If he can change it because I’m not in the picture why can’t he change it to make me happier or at least try some suggestions. I totally get it’s not all about me and actually the most important person here is his son. I just don’t think it’s fair on his son either to be stuck in every weekend with me (no matter how much I make an effort with going to the park or movie nights dog walks etc).

The default plan needs to be someone else looks after him. Because otherwise you need to give other people notice well in advance so they can make themselves available. And that's not how life often works, someone calls on a Friday to say, hey are you free Saturday night?

You can't ever do anything unless you have it planned well ahead. Normal ad hoc stuff is a no, because no one else is there to have him.

It needs to be that the standard is the GP expect to come over and watch their grandson, every night their son works. And your son can let them know if they aren't required because you'll be there, which might be short notice for them to know they aren't needed, but frankly, tough. If he's got a better idea, then he can do that instead.

It would be far better if the child wasn't there one weekend a month. God forbid his own mother has to arrange childcare while she works either.

And frankly, if she's already getting £100 a month, plus half of everything she asks for on her contact time, I bet the standard maintenance payment will be less than that. So he'll end up paying less than he is now, by paying the right amount of maintenance and not all these requests for this that and the other, plus £100 standard.

The mums got a right cushy number by the sound of it, seems like he's happy to use you, to keep her sweet.

OP I notice that you didn't respond with regard to his other grandparents, ie, his mother's family? Is there any reason they can't have him overnight occasionally? It sounds to me like both his mother and father are as selfish as each other.

That poor kid.

At 5 his parents split up and then his dad had a new girlfriend on the scene six month later.

Now the kid is dumped with the girlfriend, who doesn’t want to take care of him, every Friday and Saturday night because his dad would prefer not to see him so he doesn’t have to pay more maintenance.

All the while, the dad is paying the princely sum of £23/week towards the child’s upkeep.

Now the dad has a girlfriend who pays towards his bills, minds his kid, strokes his cock, and probably cooks his dinner and washes his boxers.

You’ve been taken for a fool, OP. This guy isn’t a good dad or a good boyfriend. Most women would run a mile.

I'm going to disagree here. He works full time plus and extra 14 hours a week, so what 52 hours a week? Even on minimum wage his ex would be getting more that £100 a month through CSA. Kids are expensive. And OP says he goes half on things, but the his ex has to go cap in hand to him each time she buys anything for the DS and hope he pays. He has a cushty number. The ex is not the problem, it's him wanted to dodge a financial commitment to his child and using his gf as the vehicle to do this.

@UpaladderwatchingTV Sorry, my head is spinning with so much to consider haha. The way my partner and his ex see it (I think) is that they have their set times to have their son. If my partner needs childcare during his time it’s his responsibility to find it (his side of the family) and then her side of the family help her out endlessly when it’s her time to have their son. I don’t quite understand the reasoning or the arrangement but then again he’s not my son and I don’t have my own children so I try to keep my opinion out of it.

I always find it strange how a kid goes to one parent every weekend. Dds best friend goes to her dads Friday - Monday but sometimes I collect her from school Friday and take her Monday. I'll text the mum who says it's the weeekend it's not my problem. I don't want to text the dad as he has issues with his wife and I don't know him well enough.

I feel sad that her mum never gets to see her during the day. I know things can't be helped. My husband is away nearly every weekend.

They need to re look at the days. What's the point in him going to his dads if he's working?