AIBU to want some weekends for us?

[Chloe442]

I don’t have many friends or family who I can open up to so thought I’d post in here for some advice.

Me and my partner of 2.5 years live together. He has an 8 year old son. My partner split from his soon to be ex wife just over 3 years ago. They are on good terms and I get on fine with her. Their current custody arrangement is that my partner sees their son on a Wednesday (he picks him up from school and he stays for a few hours before meeting the ex half way to drop off) and then picks him up on a Friday after school and he stays with us until Sunday evening.

The problem for me is that my partner has a second job working 6pm-1am every Friday and Saturday night. I look after his son whilst he is at work. I’m not quite sure how this happened I think I offered to watch him in the early days and this has been the norm ever since. I have had 3 conversations with my partner to tell him I’m unhappy being stuck in every weekend with his son. I have asked if maybe he comes over on a Saturday instead of the Friday night so I at least don’t have to rush home from work to watch him. I also asked maybe it could be every other weekend instead of every weekend as we never seem to get any time to ourselves. Each time my partner has said it’s the arrangement they have in place and if their son stays one night less a week he will have to pay £100s to the CSA. (He pays his ex £100 a month directly into her account not through CSA and also buys whatever their son needs or gives her money for whatever she wants them to go halves on, uniform clothes etc).

He has said that if I have plans or want to see friends etc then it’s no problem he will find childcare so I can do that. My problem is I feel like I’m not free to do whatever I want unless it’s booked in advance. I would never ask him to give up the weekend job as we really need the money despite us both working full time day jobs. I just cannot shake the feeling that I’m being mugged off. When told my partner this he said if that’s how I feel he will get his family to watch his son so I am free to do whatever I want or feel like I’m missing out on. This would involve them coming over to the house to watch him. I don’t see how this would work as I would be at home most of the time so it seems pointless having someone here to watch him if I’m here already.

I know I’m at risk of sounding like I’m being completely selfish and maybe I am but I cannot shake this feeling. There is no issue with their son, we have a good relationship and he is so well behaved. I just really feel stressed rushing out of work to get home to watch him and then a bit depressed sat at home on my own (step son usually playing on his games upstairs all weekend) every weekend.

I moved about an hour away from home to live with my partner in his house that he owns. I don’t know if maybe this also plays a part in how I feel as I don’t see my family or friends very often at all and also don’t have any friends here. I think if we were 2.5 years in and it was earlier in the relationship I would cut ties and end it. I’ve just had a promotion in work so my new job is located here where I live so now I feel like I’m completely stuck here - if I ended it I’d have to stay living in this area until I eventually sort a new job closer to home.

I really don’t know what to do because I love my partner so much and his son but I am also really miserable. Any advice welcomed 😊

So your social life is on hold ’til you’re around 36 in this set up.

Why do you keep saying he's a good dad? He's shit.

Even you say
I just don’t think it’s fair on his son either to be stuck in every weekend with me.

Get out now while you're young.

He's using you for childcare. And doesn't give a shit about your relationship.

I think you need to just say no to the childcare, accept it might mean a period of slightly awkward care arrangements and other people at the home, until he sorts a proper long term solution with his ex.

I understand the whole thing with him financially needing to work weekend, but, like every other parent, he has to find a way to manage financial needs around childcare. He already doesn’t have that issue at all in the week, so managing 2 days a week should be doable.

@FloweryName I’ve never asked or suggested he reduce any contact with his son. In fact I want him to actually spend quality time with his son when it’s his ‘time’ to have him. I have never told him his son can’t be in his own home nor would I ever. It’s not that I don’t want to do the childcare. I just don’t want to do most of the childcare when it’s his responsibility not mine.

I don't understand why you think that staying home with the stepson, or staying home with the stepson and whoever is looking after him, are the only two options.

Why don't you plan to go to visit friends and family some weekends?

Why doesn't your dp arrange for his son to have a sleepover with friends or maybe even family sometime?

@ISeeMisledPeople When I’ve brought this up with my partner those seem to be the only 2 options.

I could make plans and go out and I will but realistically this won’t be every weekend. I would like to have some time on the weekend to just relax at home without worrying about stepson or hosting his ‘baby sitters’.

And does the stepson not have any friends that he could go to for sleepovers?

Don’t host. Arrange to go for a run, get in bed early and read a book, do some cooking….plan whatever you want for that time.
Thing is that always period would just be temporary wouldn’t it, because he would have to sort a more permanent solution.

Since when does this man get to dictate to you how you live in your home?! He's got the best deal ever--sex and free childcare included. You get stuck having no time to chill or go out with friends spontaneously.

Tell him to find a new job, rearrange his schedule or do whatever he needs to do so you have your weekends. If he won't do that, and I highly doubt he will, bin him. You can do better.

@ISeeMisledPeople Hes the only child in the family and in terms of friends it’s mainly just school friends but not really close enough for sleepovers I believe.

You need to force the issue.
Nothing will change until you are no longer there.
You don’t have to be out if the house every weekend forever. Just for long enough that he sorts a permanent option that isn’t you by default.

Go and sign up to a couple of things on a Friday and Saturday night. Anything. You don’t have to be particularly interested. You have to be unavailable.

So choir, badminton, knitting group, volunteering, language lessons, competitive frisbee, self defence, burlesque dancing, indoor climbing, look at meet-up.com, etc. Try things you never thought you’d be interested in. Something. Anything.

1. It gets you out of the house without wandering around passively with nowhere to go.
2. It reminds you that you are a person with interests and dreams of your own.
3. It forces your partner to step up and sort out a babysitter
4. You get to see if he really meant it when he said he’d support you going out, or if he gets angry that his free babysitter is gone. Use that information wisely.
5. You will start to meet people and build those friendships in the local area that you miss so you won’t feel so alone.

Right now you sound very passive. Find your drive. For god sake don’t waste more of your 20s waiting for the situation to improve.

(And if you can’t find any classes as they are closed for summer holidays, then just get out. Go for a walk or cycle ride anything that forces the issue).

Force the issue for the next few weeks.

Have you thought about it that way OP?

You're also putting your own wish to have a child on hold & have moved away from your family and friends.

You're still young OP. I would honestly leave this relationship & find a partner who actually has time to be in a relationship.

Sorry to read that you've gone through that.

You're right to not plan for a baby though. Your partner doesn't doesn't have the time or money for another baby, and you don't have d enough support around you.

Is he doing anything to change his financial situation, longer term?

@HeckyPeck i haven’t and when I do I realise that’s quite depressing. We’ve had the kids conversation and he’s 80% sure he doesn’t want anymore which is a whole other issue. I don’t think he really can in his defence. He works 50+ hours during the week and then the Friday and Saturday night. There’s no real scope for promotion/pay rise in his day job. His mortgage is going up by £300 a month due to interest rates. I’ve already said I will give him an extra £200 a month to help with everything going up.

This is really good advice OP. You have to think about your future too. At the moment it seems to be all about his life and what he needs. I mean this kindly, but you will always take second place. I think you should cut your losses and move on. Find someone who will love you and have the opportunity to have your own baby.

Oh bloody hell it gets worse! you’ve offered him another £200 to live as a free babysitter. It’s not even partially your house

Bet he can’t believe his luck.

Your really young still OP. Cut you losses and run. An extra £200 a month?! Doing most of the childcare. Putting your own life on hold? Put yourself first. You mention him being 80% against more children and that being an issue. Do you want children?

@Thislittlepiggy89 Ive always said I won’t contribute to any mortgage my name isn’t on but I will always pay my way with bills food etc as I also work full time. I would love a child of my own but not right now. Financially it’s not feasible, I also don’t have friends or family close by so wouldn’t have the best support network. Then there’s the fact that my partner said he’s around 80% sure he doesn’t really want anymore children.

Why does he only pay £100 per month?

He’s 100% sure he doesn’t want children.

He’s stringing you along by dangling that 20% possibility that he might want them because he likes his free babysitter.

When your fertility has gone and it’s too late for you he’ll say, ‘well I always said I wasn’t sure. You chose to stay with me’

Please don’t waste your youth and your dreams on this man.

@toomuchlaundry I way I understand it is because they both have their son roughly 50/50 they both pay for whatever he needs. So he has his own clothes, toys uniform etc at each house. He only recently started paying the ex £100 a month because she said she was struggling to take him out for fun days trips clubs etc.

It gets worse.

Honestly, take the blinkers off. He's totally using you, run!!

I don’t think it is strictly 50:50 as I thought that was based on number of nights (not days)

When's she doing this if he's at school all week, and with you every single weekend and Wednesday after school?

@toomuchlaundry You may well be right. In all honesty I don’t know all that much about CSA etc, all I know is their son never goes without and I think it’s done on quite a fair basis.