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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

son with older woman

171 replies

maratara · 23/07/2023 14:26

I'm very happy with my son having a lovely lady who is 12 yo older but other people are worried. He is 25 and she is 37.
Would that bother you?
He had a terrible gf before so I am very happy.
Obviously not my business - was just looking for thoughts

OP posts:
Oooooooops · 23/07/2023 17:13

ArcticSkewer · 23/07/2023 16:10

Contraception... he needs to always use condoms. I'd assume she is after a baby daddy.

There's so much wrong with this it's hard to know where to start.

So I'll just go with the old MN chestnut of 'you seem nice'.

TableRunner · 23/07/2023 17:13

DixonD · 23/07/2023 16:56

I’m struggling to see what a 36 year old woman would see in a 17 year old boy. I mean, at 17, you still look like a child/teenager.

Show quote history

He was sporting a full beard, body hair that made him look like a gorilla and drove his own car.
It wasn't going to go anywhere long term relationship wise.

Oooooooops · 23/07/2023 17:14

garlictwist · 23/07/2023 17:05

I am 10 years older than my DH. We got together when he was 21 and I was 31. We've been together 20 years and I never notice the age gap.

Very similar ages/age difference to me and DH. We were 20 and 32 respectively when we met. Like you the age difference for us has always been irrelevant.

TableRunner · 23/07/2023 17:16

x2boys · 23/07/2023 16:50

Would it have bothered you if your son had got his 36 year old girlfriend pregnant at 17?
I have a 16 year old son I would bee horrified if he had a,girlfriend 20 years older .

Show quote history

If that had happened, then we would have had to deal with it just as we would any other problem that life throws at you.
As it happens, she didn't get pregnant, so the problem never arose.

continentallentil · 23/07/2023 17:16

No. It’s a biggish gap if they were going to marry but I assume he’s not thinking of that yet?

Hawkins0001 · 23/07/2023 17:18

Here's to you, Mrs Robinson.

Dodie66 · 23/07/2023 17:19

My son was 26 when he met and married his wife who was 18 years older. They are still together and she is the love of his life but he is now her full time carer. She is now 66 and has so many health problems and can’t do anything for herself. Something to think about

LolaSmiles · 23/07/2023 17:20

I'd have reservations but if she seemed nice enough then it wouldn't be my business.

Contraception matters in any relationship, but I think people getting annoyed at it being flagged up are perhaps being a bit unfair. A similar aged partner who is establishing a career, is at a similar stage in life is potentially going to have a bigger incentive to be proactive with contraception than someone older with more financial independence and who might not be too bothered should a fortunate accident occur. I'd not say dating anyone older is looking for a baby daddy because that's a misogynistic assumption, but it's not unfair to consider their in life stage might make a difference in the level of acceptable risk.

I'd have other concerns if the sexes were reversed (eg if an older man wanted to date over a decade younger, I'd want my daughter to have her eyes open that he might be lovely, but he might be looking for someone young and naive and willing to step into the wirework, especially if he had children).

Life stage and age aren't the be all and end all, but I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't have any reservations.

Readbtwnlines · 23/07/2023 17:22

I met my husband when he was 24 and I was 33. 16 years later we are still so in love and so happy. Children, businesses, adventures. He’s by my side right now and just put his hand on my leg and smiled. (He doesn’t know I’m answering this). Let love rule!

almostoverthehill · 23/07/2023 17:24

Why?

10HailMarys · 23/07/2023 17:26

This honestly wouldn’t bother me at all. They’re adults and I’d just be pleased that he seemed happy with her.

There will always be people who say “But what about…” and list all the things they think will be a problem. But ultimately those are invariably things that the couple will have considered, and decided they can deal with. If it works for them, that’s all that matters.

NoTouch · 23/07/2023 17:27

I would have some worries for him, but ultimately his choice.

caringcarer · 23/07/2023 17:36

It's up to your DS to choose who he dates. You can't choose for him. I don't look at age but how well they seem together. My DS 1 is in a relationship with a really lovely lady who is 8 years older than him. She has 2 DC from a previous marriage that she had when very young, one is at uni and the other will go in September. DS does not want any children and she doesn't want any more so it's all good. He gets on well with both her DD's. I have noticed my DS is very happy and in love with her. He seems more confident and relaxed and that must be down to her. I'd be very happy if they decided to marry in the future. My DS did tell me when he wakes up and sees her next to him he can't believe how lucky he is. I think he will ask her to marry him next year. Her first marriage was a bit abusive and she took a long time to date again. But she trusts DS and I see her gaining in confidence too.

Scatterbrainbox · 23/07/2023 17:38

Dodie66 · 23/07/2023 17:19

My son was 26 when he met and married his wife who was 18 years older. They are still together and she is the love of his life but he is now her full time carer. She is now 66 and has so many health problems and can’t do anything for herself. Something to think about

I thank that's more bad luck than anything, not many people would be in that position health wise at 66.

Liveafr · 23/07/2023 17:43

I'm 38, my DP is 27 and we've been together for 3 years, and have had a baby recently. Still as happy as ever ❤. I was not looking for a "baby daddy" when we met, in fact I just got out of a complicated relationship with someone who had kids, so I mostly wanted to have uncomplicated fun (which it was at first, then turned into something more serious). Contrary to the gender stereotypes, he was actually more eager to settle down, buy a house in the suburbs, get a dog and have a baby than I was. I was the one who enjoyed living in a big city, travelling, partying, going to concerts and music festivals, I was just starting to get tired of all that. And I had previously frozen my eggs just in case, so I was not in a huge hurry. Although I earn more that him and have my career more established, he's a computer scientist, so his career will be fine, even if he has his first kid just few years after starting it.

otherwayup · 23/07/2023 17:45

Dh was 25 when I met him, I was 37.
So exactly the same situation as your ds!

I totally understood why his Mum wasn't over the moon and in the early days was very respectful of this.
Over the years she has seen how happy her son is and when he was in his early 30s we married.
We've been together for over 15 years now and I have a brilliant relationship with my mil, who clearly now loves me!

I'm now in my early 50s and in all honesty the gap isn't noticeable anymore and most people don't even realise there's an age gap!

WunWun · 23/07/2023 17:48

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/07/2023 17:50

RandomUsernameHere · 23/07/2023 15:45

I'm 37 and couldn't imagine dating or even having an interest in a 25 year old man. So yes, it would bother me a bit.

Same here, although saying that if I happened to meet someone incredible like on holiday or via work and we really hit it off AND we were at the same stage in life in terms of lifestyle/goals etc I wouldn't rule him out just because of age- tbh younger men might be less jaded and nicer than many pushing 40s divorcées (my more typical dating pool...)

I think the main 'risk' is that she might want to have kids before he's ready. But a 25 year old woman might also push to be a young mum too - as long as he's happy it's ok I think

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/07/2023 17:52

There's a 8 year age gap between my parents who met at similar ages and they've just celebrated 40 years!
If you want grandkids you'll get to meet them
Sooner than you thought I think!

TennisWithDeborah · 23/07/2023 17:59

25 isn’t that young. It’s not like she’s swooped on a teen.

Mix56 · 23/07/2023 17:59

One of my best friends is the older woman in this scenario.
She is currently divorcing him, he never grew up into a competent adult, is insecure, jealous & controlling.
She regrets ever having marrying him

PureLife89 · 23/07/2023 18:00

Bit ick

A woman clocking forty and a twenty five year old

GigiAnnna · 23/07/2023 18:07

It would probably worry me if he was younger, say 18 and she was 20 years older. But he's 25. He's old enough to live his own life, make his own decisions. Even if you were concerned, could you put a stop to it? No.

Oooooooops · 23/07/2023 18:08

PureLife89 · 23/07/2023 18:00

Bit ick

A woman clocking forty and a twenty five year old

Why?

Kimten · 23/07/2023 18:11

No, wouldn't be into that.
Next thing, she'll be pregnant.

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