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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

son with older woman

171 replies

maratara · 23/07/2023 14:26

I'm very happy with my son having a lovely lady who is 12 yo older but other people are worried. He is 25 and she is 37.
Would that bother you?
He had a terrible gf before so I am very happy.
Obviously not my business - was just looking for thoughts

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 23/07/2023 15:12

Of COURSE it's up to him! The question is, would we be bothered. And I, for one, would be.

Beneficialchampion2 · 23/07/2023 15:15

Strangely enough I was your son in this situation some time ago, it didn't last. I had a fucking amazing time for around a year, we fucked like rabbits and I had some of the best sexual experiences of my life.

Let him have his fun, it will fizzle out.

PimpMyFridge · 23/07/2023 15:17

I'd be concerned at the age gap as they are at very different life stages and the power dynamic could be off.
However for every rule there is an exception so in your shoes I'd be wary and watchful and just hope that it is a case of genuine connection for the right reasons and not an unbalanced situation.
He might be unusually mature or they might just be really on each others wavelength... Or she's found someone she can manipulate... Who can say.
Keep your eyes and the lines of communication open and see what happens.

Hocuspocusnonsense · 23/07/2023 15:17

Depends what your son is looking for and where he is in his life.

At 37 she might be looking for marriage/babies. Is this what your son sees as his next step in life?

She might be a lot more stable/financially independent than a woman of 25 which could be a huge plus to your son.

PimpMyFridge · 23/07/2023 15:17

Let's hope he practices safe sex

Ladyj84 · 23/07/2023 15:24

If there happy why should it matter..my brother's wife is 16 years older and they are happy as anything

StellaJohanna · 23/07/2023 15:26

I think it all depends on the people. My DH was 24 when we met and I was 37. married a year later and 22 years together. I had no baggage in life then and wasn't looking to be a mother. He was mature because his father deserted the family and he was expected to step up at 14 and look after them all, which he did, and he worked from 14 onwards. I know we are the exception because people who want children are ready at different ages, and time is fast running out at 37.

MysteryBelle · 23/07/2023 15:33

I would be very concerned. Too big of an age gap at that age. When I was 37, I would not have dreamed of trying to date a 25 year old. Or wanting to. Vice versa, when I was 25, I would have never considered dating a 37 year old. Totally different times of life.

The people who think it’s ok. There’s a lack of common sense and care that is disturbing.

Op, I do understand that you’re glad he’s not in the terrible relationship he was in previously. But he is seemingly in a pattern of inappropriate or unwise relationships. Too big a gap at 25.

Oceanus · 23/07/2023 15:34

I wouldn't have a problem with this age gap but it comes down to how mature the guy is. I've met 25 y.o guys who are less mature than many 17 y.o boys.
Then again I'm assuming the 37 y.o. female is not exactly childish in her ways but a proper adult so wouldn't date a guy who is childish either. Overall I see nothing wrong with this relationship unless there's a massive power imbalance.

MattDamon · 23/07/2023 15:37

What exactly are people worried about? If she's anything like me when I hit that age, she's probably financially secure or on the way, knows her own mind, and won't put up with shitty behaviour anymore. He's lucky she's giving him a chance.

MysteryBelle · 23/07/2023 15:39

StellaJohanna · 23/07/2023 15:26

I think it all depends on the people. My DH was 24 when we met and I was 37. married a year later and 22 years together. I had no baggage in life then and wasn't looking to be a mother. He was mature because his father deserted the family and he was expected to step up at 14 and look after them all, which he did, and he worked from 14 onwards. I know we are the exception because people who want children are ready at different ages, and time is fast running out at 37.

This is interesting, that your husband had to spend his youth taking care of his siblings and later didn’t want children. My oldest brother and sister had to take care of the rest of us from a young age like your husband did as my mother worked a lot, and neither of them wanted children and never had them.

MysteryBelle · 23/07/2023 15:40

They’d had enough of child rearing when they themselves were kids!

GolgafrinchamB · 23/07/2023 15:42

It would bother me because of the difference in life stages. He's in his carefree, unencumbered youth and she's at an age many are settling down, having children imminently.

RandomUsernameHere · 23/07/2023 15:45

I'm 37 and couldn't imagine dating or even having an interest in a 25 year old man. So yes, it would bother me a bit.

Azandme · 23/07/2023 15:48

There's a bigger gap between me and DP, and in all honesty we're into the same things, have the same sense of humour and share the same future goals.

The only real difference is our ages, but that's an "other people" issue, not ours.

Why would either of us want to be with someone LESS well suited to us, just because we happen to be different ages?

ThinWomansBrain · 23/07/2023 15:48

You're happy - your son is presumably happy
Why are you concerned about what other people think?

HappyMe6 · 23/07/2023 15:52

Old enough to make his own choices, yes I’d be a bit concerned but I certainly wouldn’t say anything!

DramaAlpaca · 23/07/2023 15:55

I have a 25 year old son, and yes it would bother me. I wouldn't say anything, but I wouldn't like it.

TheCyclingGorilla · 23/07/2023 16:02

I was a bit 😱 when my younger brother got his girlfriend (previously unknown to the family) pregnant when he was 23 and she was 34. They've been together now more than 20 years & it no longer bothers me. She was an immense support to him and my parents when he was seriously ill, and it was obvious to me they adored each other. He's happy, and that's all I worry about.

Jumbojade · 23/07/2023 16:02

maratara · 23/07/2023 14:26

I'm very happy with my son having a lovely lady who is 12 yo older but other people are worried. He is 25 and she is 37.
Would that bother you?
He had a terrible gf before so I am very happy.
Obviously not my business - was just looking for thoughts

My son is in a relationship with an older woman. He is 29 and she is 41. She also has 2 children, who he really gets on with. When he first told me about the relationship, he was quite anxious about how I would take it. I told him, that if he is happy, that’s all that matters. It’s his life after all, and it really isn’t any one else’s business, which I would suggest you say to the “other people.”

Who are the “other people”, who are poking their unwanted noses in where they are not wanted?

LakeTiticaca · 23/07/2023 16:03

Who are the others who are worried?
It's got nothing to do with anyone else.It may or may not be "just a fling" but she's has hardly abducted a vulnerable teenager.
Once upon a time many men at 25 were married with a mortgage and a family .
People should stop babying their adult offspring!!

hattie43 · 23/07/2023 16:03

No not a problem, if they make each other happy that's all that matters .

aSofaNearYou · 23/07/2023 16:06

I would be concerned, yes, whether it was a man or a woman.

Sapphire387 · 23/07/2023 16:08

I think it's fine. But crucially, they both think it's fine, and it is their decision. You're also ok with it. Who are these people interfering?

Beachhutnut · 23/07/2023 16:08

Not an issue but he may need to decide whether he wants kids sooner than he may have otherwise....