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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help because I don't like her?

157 replies

Op11 · 23/07/2023 14:19

My husbands ex has another child with her ex partner after my husband who is 5 i think, my husband and her also share a child who is 8, my stepchild, and me and my husband have a 2 year old together.

I entered this relationship (6 years ago now) with the hope that we could get along well but she was very hostile at the start and though she's somewhat civil toward me now as in we'll say hello when we see each other, she can be an absolute horror to my husband when she doesn't get her own way with something. The way she speaks to him sometimes it's atrocious and because of this I do not like her as a person at all. I never get involved and I'm always polite when I see her but I think she's just a selfish person in general.

Anyway onto the AIBU... her childcare has fallen through tomorrow for her 5 year old, DH is working, I'm not. She's asking me to watch her child so she can go to work and I've said no basically because I just don't feel like doing this woman any favours. I'm having DSS because it's our normal day to have him (week on week off) and I probably would even if it wasn't because he's my stepchild but her other child I've only met a brief handful of times and I put bluntly I just don't want to do her any favours because she's an awful human being.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Ilikewinter · 23/07/2023 14:23

Nope...well done for saying no. I assume DH is backing you on this ??

Original poster
Op11 · 23/07/2023 14:25

Ilikewinter · 23/07/2023 14:23

Nope...well done for saying no. I assume DH is backing you on this ??

Yes but he's worried about the repercussions. She has a habit of refusing to allow him to collect DSS if she doesn't get her own way. I can picture the whole 'well if you can't have DC5 then you can have DSS either' already.

OP posts:
Original poster
Op11 · 23/07/2023 14:25

Can't*

OP posts:
SoYoung · 23/07/2023 14:32

Don't you have an order in place to prevent her witholding the child? Who have you basically said you don't want to do any favours for her because she's an awful human being to? Her or your DH? Because if that's what you've said to her I think there will be repercussions.

Original poster
Op11 · 23/07/2023 14:33

SoYoung · 23/07/2023 14:32

Don't you have an order in place to prevent her witholding the child? Who have you basically said you don't want to do any favours for her because she's an awful human being to? Her or your DH? Because if that's what you've said to her I think there will be repercussions.

I said it to DH. To her I've just no sorry.

OP posts:
Jongleterre · 23/07/2023 14:34

Is it possible that your doing this massive favour would help in a better relationship all round?

Could you negotiate with her and say that you feel it's an imposition when she is so hostile to your husband?

GrumpyPanda · 23/07/2023 14:37

Depends whether she's asking or demanding I suppose. And also whether a favour now might be reciprocated down the line - which it wouldn't be from your OP.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2023 14:37

Why can’t the 5 year olds dad have him? She’s got epic nerve asking you, I’m almost impressed.

Has she ever stopped DSS from coming or is it idle threats? DH should get an official agreement in place if there isn’t one to stop stupid game playing but these types often threaten to withhold contact till they remember they don’t want the kids 24/7 and want a break.

It’s up to DH to manage her, she’s his ex not yours. Childcare for her kid is her problem and if you did it once she’d definitely try and get you to do it again.

LMNT · 23/07/2023 14:37

It’s a great way to cement the fetid nature of your existing relationship rather than extending the olive branch by helping her out.

At least you’ll know you were the bigger woman if it all backfires.

Doyoumind · 23/07/2023 14:43

She's being a CF but personally I would just do it. Be the bigger person. That child is your DSS's sibling, even if you don't know them well. Ask your DSS to help look after them.

CuriouslyDifferent · 23/07/2023 14:43

Don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

I wouldn’t help my DP’s ex, or their kids.

They’ve gone out their way to make life difficult, many times, why should I be the bigger person, and go out of my way to help them.

what goes around comes around.

Hesma · 23/07/2023 14:46

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Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 23/07/2023 14:46

I would just go with the line that three children of very different ages will be too many to look after. You don't need to get into whether you don't want to help out or anything.

StormInaDcup99 · 23/07/2023 14:50

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What a harsh comment. The child is not related to the OP or the DH. I think the DHs ex is massively out of order even asking, considering her track record.

bellsandwhistles333 · 23/07/2023 14:54

I way why would you want to be responsible for a child that is nothing to do with yourself or your partner.

My step kids mum has two younger children and I could never imagine her asking this quite rightly too!!

Well done for keeping boundaries

MrsPositivity1 · 23/07/2023 14:55

Why don’t you do it on this one occasion to see if it could maybe help relationships between you all? If not, at least you tried.

UsingChangeofName · 23/07/2023 14:56

LMNT · 23/07/2023 14:37

It’s a great way to cement the fetid nature of your existing relationship rather than extending the olive branch by helping her out.

At least you’ll know you were the bigger woman if it all backfires.

This.

If you are already looking after the 8 yr old and 2 yr old, it isn't really going to change your day much or put you out in any way. I would.
How do you think relationships will ever improve if no-one is willing to try ?

MachineBee · 23/07/2023 14:56

You did the right thing to say no OP. I disagree with those saying do it as it may help relationships etc. You do this once and it’ll be assumed you’ll do it every time. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt!

SchoolShenanigans · 23/07/2023 15:01

YANBU BUT do you ever need any favours from her? I'd have thought it won't be much extra work for you to have one more kid and then you can bank the good deed?

If she doesn't ever help you though, then YANBU.

sommeliermama · 23/07/2023 15:01

There's no way I would help her out. You've done the right thing. Doing her a favour means she'll likely try to take advantage of you in the future with childcare

Livinghappy · 23/07/2023 15:01

@Hesma Wow...the op needs to be careful when looking after a child she has no experience with. If anything happened can you imagine the backlash she would get!! I would never look after a child where I didn't have a good relationship with the mother...way too much risk.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2023 15:01

God the number of women who’d rather be a doormat and call it being the bigger person is tragic.

If someone treats you badly, doing them favours isn’t a healthy response.

If this woman wanted to be nice to OP she would be. She chooses not to and then has the gall to ask for childcare. She’s not going to get a personality transplant and see the error of her ways because OP does her bidding. She’s a cheeky cow and all the people telling OP to just do it anyway are depressing.

Blossomandbee · 23/07/2023 15:02

So basically your DH is scared to say no to her in case she withholds contact with his own child. That's called blackmail. So no I wouldn't be helping her out at all as she will realise this is exactly how to play you both. If she was civil to you both and had a good relationship with you then that's different.
Your DH would do well to get something formal put in place regarding contact too.

drpet49 · 23/07/2023 15:03

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@Hesma nah you just sound like a chump who would let anyone walk all over you.

GlitchStitch · 23/07/2023 15:08

I would say no too in these circumstances. My sister has done similar favours for her stepson's mum, but they have a good relationship. In OP's case I would be concerned about opening myself up to accusations and all sorts with an unrelated child. It also shows consequences- you don't get to treat people like crap and then have them do favours for you.