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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help because I don't like her?

157 replies

Op11 · 23/07/2023 14:19

My husbands ex has another child with her ex partner after my husband who is 5 i think, my husband and her also share a child who is 8, my stepchild, and me and my husband have a 2 year old together.

I entered this relationship (6 years ago now) with the hope that we could get along well but she was very hostile at the start and though she's somewhat civil toward me now as in we'll say hello when we see each other, she can be an absolute horror to my husband when she doesn't get her own way with something. The way she speaks to him sometimes it's atrocious and because of this I do not like her as a person at all. I never get involved and I'm always polite when I see her but I think she's just a selfish person in general.

Anyway onto the AIBU... her childcare has fallen through tomorrow for her 5 year old, DH is working, I'm not. She's asking me to watch her child so she can go to work and I've said no basically because I just don't feel like doing this woman any favours. I'm having DSS because it's our normal day to have him (week on week off) and I probably would even if it wasn't because he's my stepchild but her other child I've only met a brief handful of times and I put bluntly I just don't want to do her any favours because she's an awful human being.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Sleepydoor · 23/07/2023 16:41

Op11 · 23/07/2023 14:19

My husbands ex has another child with her ex partner after my husband who is 5 i think, my husband and her also share a child who is 8, my stepchild, and me and my husband have a 2 year old together.

I entered this relationship (6 years ago now) with the hope that we could get along well but she was very hostile at the start and though she's somewhat civil toward me now as in we'll say hello when we see each other, she can be an absolute horror to my husband when she doesn't get her own way with something. The way she speaks to him sometimes it's atrocious and because of this I do not like her as a person at all. I never get involved and I'm always polite when I see her but I think she's just a selfish person in general.

Anyway onto the AIBU... her childcare has fallen through tomorrow for her 5 year old, DH is working, I'm not. She's asking me to watch her child so she can go to work and I've said no basically because I just don't feel like doing this woman any favours. I'm having DSS because it's our normal day to have him (week on week off) and I probably would even if it wasn't because he's my stepchild but her other child I've only met a brief handful of times and I put bluntly I just don't want to do her any favours because she's an awful human being.

Aibu?

I would have her child and give them the best day ever, so they sang my praises to her mother and begged to be allowed to come to my house forevermore.

DojaPhat · 23/07/2023 16:42

@Op11 5, 10, 20. Yes.

3luckystars · 23/07/2023 16:42

Is it a once off?

Notmineagain · 23/07/2023 16:44

LMNT · 23/07/2023 14:37

It’s a great way to cement the fetid nature of your existing relationship rather than extending the olive branch by helping her out.

At least you’ll know you were the bigger woman if it all backfires.

Oh please, stop encouraging women to be doormats to people who treat them badly. Well done to op for saying no.

Notmineagain · 23/07/2023 16:45

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2023 15:01

God the number of women who’d rather be a doormat and call it being the bigger person is tragic.

If someone treats you badly, doing them favours isn’t a healthy response.

If this woman wanted to be nice to OP she would be. She chooses not to and then has the gall to ask for childcare. She’s not going to get a personality transplant and see the error of her ways because OP does her bidding. She’s a cheeky cow and all the people telling OP to just do it anyway are depressing.

This! There's a time to be a bigger person, but not when there's nothing to gain for the op except to be used again the next time she needs something.

BackAgainstWall · 23/07/2023 16:45

It’s always good to lead by example and also to take off any stress or repercussions for your DH.

However, IF she then continued to be an awkward pain in the arse after my kindness, that would be the first and last time.

Notmineagain · 23/07/2023 16:47

It’s always good to lead by example and also to take off any stress or repercussions for your DH.

No, if there's repercussions then you take the legal route and not be bullied into doing something for someone nasty.

kraftyKitten · 23/07/2023 16:47

Jongleterre · 23/07/2023 14:34

Is it possible that your doing this massive favour would help in a better relationship all round?

Could you negotiate with her and say that you feel it's an imposition when she is so hostile to your husband?

Once the OP starts this she will ask again and again so it's best shut down before it starts .

Wheresmyrobe · 23/07/2023 16:48

YANBU. Do it once and she will expect it 1000 times.

Datgal · 23/07/2023 16:49

Yes, well done for saying no. I wouldn't help my boyfriend's ex out. Such a toxic bitch, honestly. I just don't get it. Think they wield all this power and guilt trip and all sorts. It's nothing short of abusive in my book. But a lot of people (men and women) put up with it because of the repercussions.

Songsareliketattoos · 23/07/2023 16:50

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2023 15:01

God the number of women who’d rather be a doormat and call it being the bigger person is tragic.

If someone treats you badly, doing them favours isn’t a healthy response.

If this woman wanted to be nice to OP she would be. She chooses not to and then has the gall to ask for childcare. She’s not going to get a personality transplant and see the error of her ways because OP does her bidding. She’s a cheeky cow and all the people telling OP to just do it anyway are depressing.

Totally agree with you. IME unpleasant selfish CFs don't change.

DrManhattan · 23/07/2023 16:51

Urghh why would you sign yourself up for so much admin in the first place. Kids all over lol

Datgal · 23/07/2023 16:51

And people who say take the legal route? Christ how emotionally draining is that? Having to take it to the courts every time someone says you can't see the kids? And expensive. That's why people behave this way. It's not feasible long term. It's so friggin sad.

Backstreets · 23/07/2023 16:53

Good on you for drawing up a boundary.

NooNaNa · 23/07/2023 16:54

I wouldn't want to help her either.

However, if you do help her perhaps she will be less of a cow in the future?

zurala · 23/07/2023 16:58

Hell no OP! the ex is in fuck around and find out territory, sucks to be her. She should have been nicer and then you might feel inclined to help her, but she's shown you who she is and now why would you want to? Stick to your no, her child care is her problem, not yours.

caringcarer · 23/07/2023 16:59

I'd just agree to do it as a one off. Maybe she will be nicer afterwards.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 23/07/2023 17:01

You're not being unreasonable.

  1. you barely know the child
  2. it sounds as though you wouldn't trust the child's mother as far as you could throw them.
  3. with the history she could make up all sorts of allegations and cause issues with your DH seeing his own child. Glad your DH seems to be on side about this.
Careerdilemma · 23/07/2023 17:06

I would help for the sake of the kids. Nice for your child to meet the kid that their sibling lives with. The child will be talked about, in photos etc. Nice for them to put a face to the name.

I also don't think tit for tat ever helps.

HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans · 23/07/2023 17:08

Sometimes, if you do a favour for someone who hates you, they change their mind about you. I would mostly expect this when there is just a personality clash.

Sometimes, they actually hate you more, because as well as thinking you are a twat, they also see you as a mug and add contempt to their initial hatred. I would put money on this being the case if OP did the favour. She would also be top of the Mug List for whenever the ex fancied not having to sort out childcare.

SemperIdem · 23/07/2023 17:10

The day I do my SC’s mother a favour will be a cold day in hell.

YANBU at all to say no, op.

letthemalldoone · 23/07/2023 17:11

sommeliermama · 23/07/2023 15:01

There's no way I would help her out. You've done the right thing. Doing her a favour means she'll likely try to take advantage of you in the future with childcare

That would be my concern. Do it once, and you get lumbered.

Nanny0gg · 23/07/2023 17:12

continentallentil · 23/07/2023 15:14

You are being childish and given she is also childish, she may retaliate by making access difficult with your step child.

Is it worth it? No

I’d ring her back and say you can manage it, but it’s a one off.

Nonsense.

She barely knows the woman, they're not friends. So why would she look after her child?

Do you look after acquaintance's children?

Wheresthebeach · 23/07/2023 17:29

Wheresmyrobe · 23/07/2023 16:48

YANBU. Do it once and she will expect it 1000 times.

This…in spades

SerafinasGoose · 23/07/2023 17:34

Part of me would want to do this: partly because because one extra child would make no real difference for my plans for the day if I was having DSS anyway, and partly because I don't believe children should be penalized for the behaviour of their parents.

But I've met these types before. They are boundary stampers who constantly test how much further they can push. Next time the childcare duties will come at a time when you're indisposed. And because you've done it before, there will be no gratitude for the favours you've done her before: the shit will hit the fan over the times you don't capitulate.

The second issue is your DH has parental responsibility for his child, and you're caring for him under your joint jurisdiction. Neither of you have parental responsibility for the other child. Just imagine what she'd do if anything went wrong? That situation is beset with possible issues and complications.

On balance, 'no' was the right response.