To not help because I don't like her?

[Op11]

My husbands ex has another child with her ex partner after my husband who is 5 i think, my husband and her also share a child who is 8, my stepchild, and me and my husband have a 2 year old together.

I entered this relationship (6 years ago now) with the hope that we could get along well but she was very hostile at the start and though she's somewhat civil toward me now as in we'll say hello when we see each other, she can be an absolute horror to my husband when she doesn't get her own way with something. The way she speaks to him sometimes it's atrocious and because of this I do not like her as a person at all. I never get involved and I'm always polite when I see her but I think she's just a selfish person in general.

Anyway onto the AIBU... her childcare has fallen through tomorrow for her 5 year old, DH is working, I'm not. She's asking me to watch her child so she can go to work and I've said no basically because I just don't feel like doing this woman any favours. I'm having DSS because it's our normal day to have him (week on week off) and I probably would even if it wasn't because he's my stepchild but her other child I've only met a brief handful of times and I put bluntly I just don't want to do her any favours because she's an awful human being.

Aibu?

To be honest, if I was already going to be having my own kid and my stepchild, I probably wouldn’t mind having my stepchild’s sibling too, as a one-off. For me, it wouldn’t really be about whether I liked the kid’s mum, but just whether I was going to be massively inconvenienced or not. But YANBU to say no.

YANBU for saying no. Why do a favour for someone who treats you and your DH badly?

YHIBU (your husband is being unreasonable) for not 'regularizing' contact with his child via a court order. Or if there is a court order, not enforcing it.

It is your dss sibling, a child that is a big part of their life the same way your dss is a big part of your dcs life. Keeps the adult issues out of it, they are young kids that are related to one another and it is healthy for all the kids, including yours, to see adults putting them first and treating all 3 kids as a blended family.

If it was convenient to me I would take them, if it wasn't convenient I would say sorry can't this time but maybe next time.

I’d’ve done it because then she’d owe me for a while.

Of course there’s a risk she’d ask you again (and again and again) if you said “yes” now, but you didn’t, and she probably won’t ask you again.

I think this course of action is what’s commonly referred to as ‘making a rod for your own back’.

No one wondering, even if the OP said yes, how this 5 year old would feel about being dumped on his half brother’s step mum, who he doesn’t know, because neither his mum nor his dad nor anyone he’s actually related to him wants to look after him?

I can't even begin to imagine asking my ds stepmother to look after my other child. Especially if I'd been awful to her in the past. The cheek of it! Surely there's someone else?

Op Yanbu - just say you don't feel comfortable looking after a kid you barely know.

My view would have depended on how considerate and kind the five year old is, to be honest.

I don’t particularly blame her for being hostile at the beginning - she had a 2 year old whose father has started a new relationship. Depending on the circumstances of that split/ your DH’s part in it there may also be a reason why she has remained hostile towards him, although obviously it would be better if she could be civil and mature for the sake of all involved especially the child.

YANBU to not help in this situation though, it would be nice if you felt able to but understandable if not

I would have said yes. The poor kid isn't to blame for the adults' behaviour and I wouldn't want him/her to suffer because of it.

I'd just go to the park and have a fun day.

The ex can do/think/behave any way she wants - that's for dh to deal with. But kids are blameless

Yep its tricky. I think I would try to be the bigger person as this little one is the sibling of your step child. If the children all get along I think I would do it but as a one off. But your decision is your decision

Most likely the wider family haven't even been asked because they have their normal work/routine and the DSS is going to OP11s house anyway , why not ( in the Ex's eyes) just let the 5yo tag along too...?

Except it puts a huge responsibility on the OP and fuels the expectation that the OP will just mop up .

What was her childcare crisis , did she say ?
If her DH is being admitted for surgery - maybe do it as a one off
If she just didn't organise it , then lack of planning on her part doesn't make an Emergency on yours

You did exactly right to say no, the cheeky cow.
Your husband needs to get a contact arrangement in place snd stop trying to appease his ex

If you're happy with your decision not to help, that is absolutely fine. You don't need our moral permission.

It's likely that your DSS will be easier to look after if he has company - your toddler is probably not great company for him yet. So I wouldn't say no just to make a point. I would say no if it were genuinely too much for me.

You have absolutely no obligation to this child- yes it’s not the child fault but the child has nothing to do with you so that’s not your problem

To the posters who are saying they would do it for the child, I imagine the child is used to their sibling going to the OP's house alone on a regular basis. It's not as if they are being excluded from some special treat or other. I would like to hope the ex hasn't been discussing this in front of the child, therefore said child is probably oblivious.

That is outrageous!! Her not you

This.

I'm normally very passionate when people refuse to do things for their own step child.
However why would a child go to the new wife of their mums ex husband 😳

I'd say yes because I this is sort of part of the deal when you decide to marry a person who has attachments. Your husband has a son with her and the son's half brother was going to be in his (your husband's) life whatever path he took. Anyone who subsequently married him would have agreed to be in this mix knowing the high chances of it becoming rather sticky from time to time. You've got at least a decade of this to go, buckle in.

Out it interest Op, not that you would, but I assume shed be fine to take your 2 year old whenever dss is with her?

Would she have your child to look after?
If it was me I probably would take the child, especially if I've already got the half sibling coming. But totally within your rights to say no. There's no reason why you should bend over backwards as she is so unpleasant - she should be bending over backwards for you.

Would she have your child to look after?

I doubt it as she only does things that benefit her but regardless she'd be the last person on God's earth I'd ask to look after my child anyway.

His child with her yes but surely the whole this is what happens when you marry a man with kids argument doesn't apply to any children his ex then goes on to have with other people?! What if she has 5 more kids, do I have some responsibility for all of them too? 😂

I would maybe put my own feelings aside and do it for the child. Don’t get caught up in the pettiness. I know I’m in the minority but I think you can have your own separate relationship and your stepchild will appreciate it more in the future

No, Op is not responsible for children who didjt exist when she got with him

Is ex foinf to take Ops 2 year old then?