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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help because I don't like her?

157 replies

Op11 · 23/07/2023 14:19

My husbands ex has another child with her ex partner after my husband who is 5 i think, my husband and her also share a child who is 8, my stepchild, and me and my husband have a 2 year old together.

I entered this relationship (6 years ago now) with the hope that we could get along well but she was very hostile at the start and though she's somewhat civil toward me now as in we'll say hello when we see each other, she can be an absolute horror to my husband when she doesn't get her own way with something. The way she speaks to him sometimes it's atrocious and because of this I do not like her as a person at all. I never get involved and I'm always polite when I see her but I think she's just a selfish person in general.

Anyway onto the AIBU... her childcare has fallen through tomorrow for her 5 year old, DH is working, I'm not. She's asking me to watch her child so she can go to work and I've said no basically because I just don't feel like doing this woman any favours. I'm having DSS because it's our normal day to have him (week on week off) and I probably would even if it wasn't because he's my stepchild but her other child I've only met a brief handful of times and I put bluntly I just don't want to do her any favours because she's an awful human being.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Mumtothreegirlies · 23/07/2023 18:56

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 23/07/2023 18:40

@Mumtothreegirlies so how do you think the younger child copes during their brother’s usual contact time? Why, in their eyes, would this occasion be any different to usual (unless their mum is stirring the pot and telling them, in which case that’s entirely on mum not OP)

She probably harbours a lot of sadness actually. Sad that her mum and stepdad broke up so now she probably has to spend Christmas and holidays without her brother. Do these things not enter your head?

thing47 · 23/07/2023 19:12

Mumtothreegirlies · 23/07/2023 18:54

They’re separated because the relationship between mum and stepdad broke down and now he’s moved on to his next one and had another child.

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As has she. And she moved on a lot quicker than he did judging by the ages of the various DCs, and had another child with another man. Just saying.

Naunet · 23/07/2023 19:12

DojaPhat · 23/07/2023 16:30

I'd say yes because I this is sort of part of the deal when you decide to marry a person who has attachments. Your husband has a son with her and the son's half brother was going to be in his (your husband's) life whatever path he took. Anyone who subsequently married him would have agreed to be in this mix knowing the high chances of it becoming rather sticky from time to time. You've got at least a decade of this to go, buckle in.

Says who? Parents who want a free childminder?! That’s the sort of agreement that all involved come to, not for the ex to dictate.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 23/07/2023 19:12

Mumtothreegirlies · 23/07/2023 18:56

She probably harbours a lot of sadness actually. Sad that her mum and stepdad broke up so now she probably has to spend Christmas and holidays without her brother. Do these things not enter your head?

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Projection much? How do we know when the 5yo's parents split up, they might never even have been in a relationship.

Original poster
Op11 · 23/07/2023 19:15

Mumtothreegirlies · 23/07/2023 18:54

They’re separated because the relationship between mum and stepdad broke down and now he’s moved on to his next one and had another child.

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My husband is not this child's step dad. Exes 5 year old was born AFTER her and my husband split and is hers with a partner she had after my husband.

OP posts:
Original poster
Op11 · 23/07/2023 19:16

To clarify my husband has never been a father figure to this child, step dad or dad. He wasn't with his ex when she was born, he was with me when this child was born.

OP posts:
Mumtothreegirlies · 23/07/2023 19:18

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 23/07/2023 19:12

Projection much? How do we know when the 5yo's parents split up, they might never even have been in a relationship.

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Well going back to her first post they spilt when the boy was 2 and she had a baby a year After so yeah you’re right but it doesn’t make it any less sad and I feel for children who get dragged up in these situations where parents move on too quickly have kids and just move on like it doesn’t matter.
I never grew up in this situation never had step or half siblings and neither do my children either.

funinthesun19 · 23/07/2023 19:18

Nope. You don’t owe her anything. She cemented that reality with her attitude towards you. She can’t be a bitch and then come along asking you for childcare favours, especially when it’s her youngest child who isn’t even part of your family.

She’s got a husband. Between them they should be working this childcare issue out together. If that means a days pay lost because one of them has to stay off then so bloody be it. Lots of parents have to do the same. Where are their family members and the support networks that they might have?

Not your problem. And your DH is being weak and spineless saying you should agree to it just so he can stay in the ex’s good books. She won’t stop contact because she needs him for the contact schedules.

She shouldn’t get everything she wants just because of who she is….

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2023 19:20

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/07/2023 18:07

It's fine to say no.
I'd be inclined to maybe say yes if she would owe me a favour eg baby aug my child one day so DH and o could have a date day together but only if you need that and you'd trust her with him

She doesn’t trust her. She’s the sort of arsehole parent who messes around with contact when she doesn’t get her way. OP has made this crystal clear if you read her posts. This woman and her complicated set up of exes and kids is not OP’s problem and she’s not the sort of person who’d ever do OP a favour.

These posts are baffling.

Usernameunknownfornow · 23/07/2023 19:26

Op11 · 23/07/2023 19:15

My husband is not this child's step dad. Exes 5 year old was born AFTER her and my husband split and is hers with a partner she had after my husband.

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I hate when people like @Mumtothreegirlies just jump on post's and make assumptions without even reading the post properly 🙄

Usernameunknownfornow · 23/07/2023 19:28

Op11 · 23/07/2023 19:16

To clarify my husband has never been a father figure to this child, step dad or dad. He wasn't with his ex when she was born, he was with me when this child was born.

Don't worry, the point is that you don't get along with this child mum and DC was born after your husband split up with her and your DH isn't the father

funinthesun19 · 23/07/2023 19:34

I’m baffled as to why the ex and her husband can’t sort it out between them. Why is it an unrelated woman’s problem to sort, and not her or even her husbands?! Ie the father of her child.

I bet if the OP was a man, he wouldn’t have his wife’s ex husband mithering him for childcare for his youngest child. In fact if OP was a man, his wife would be telling her ex husband and his wife to F off and backing her husband up!

SemperIdem · 23/07/2023 19:39

Mumtothreegirlies · 23/07/2023 18:56

She probably harbours a lot of sadness actually. Sad that her mum and stepdad broke up so now she probably has to spend Christmas and holidays without her brother. Do these things not enter your head?

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Well no, because he wasn’t her step dad at any point.

DojaPhat · 23/07/2023 19:43

Op11 · 23/07/2023 19:16

To clarify my husband has never been a father figure to this child, step dad or dad. He wasn't with his ex when she was born, he was with me when this child was born.

I'm not really sure this is the defence you think it is Confused

funinthesun19 · 23/07/2023 19:45

DojaPhat · 23/07/2023 19:43

I'm not really sure this is the defence you think it is Confused

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Sounds like a perfect defence to me. She’s not his kid, so what better and stronger defence is needed?

fanout · 23/07/2023 19:45

I'm not really sure this is the defence you think it is

It absolutely is.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/07/2023 19:49

Your disinclination to help is understandable, but I think it's better to respond strategically than emotionally.

Your child's half-sibling will be coming to yours anyway; why take your umbrage out on the smaller child who now will be farmed out somewhere instead of being with his brother?

Again, I totally get why you don't WANT to do it. and you certainly don't have to do it. But maybe being the bigger person once in a while, and being kind to a child, is the right thing to do. Rather than taking the hump, folding your arms and saying "you can't make me."

Usernameunknownfornow · 23/07/2023 19:51

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/07/2023 19:49

Your disinclination to help is understandable, but I think it's better to respond strategically than emotionally.

Your child's half-sibling will be coming to yours anyway; why take your umbrage out on the smaller child who now will be farmed out somewhere instead of being with his brother?

Again, I totally get why you don't WANT to do it. and you certainly don't have to do it. But maybe being the bigger person once in a while, and being kind to a child, is the right thing to do. Rather than taking the hump, folding your arms and saying "you can't make me."

Guilt trip why don't we 🙄

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 23/07/2023 19:59

DojaPhat · 23/07/2023 19:43

I'm not really sure this is the defence you think it is Confused

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Eh? It is the perfect defense. There couldn't be a better defence.
OP doesnt need to look after the ex's child to be the 'bigger person' @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune she's already the bigger person cos she's not a dick.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 23/07/2023 20:02

The thing is unless OP does this favour every single time, then this situation is bound to come up again over the next however many years so there's no point kicking the can down the road as the answer will have to be no at some point. If however if it's a genuine once-in-a-blue-moon one-off situation where OP wouldn't be called upon again then the child really isn't going to come to any harm being babysat away from their brother on one single occasion.

Livelovebehappy · 23/07/2023 20:04

Yanbu for declining to look after he dc. You don’t owe child care to someone who you are only associated with through marriage to her ex. Obviously different story for your DHs child. But yabu for believing everything that comes out of your dh’s mouth in relation to his ex, and how she speaks to him/what their conversations are. Men in these situations can be, shall we say, very economical with the truth.

leopard22 · 23/07/2023 20:21

The amount of people who would do this is baffling- I could understand it if the OP and kids mum had a better relationship but OP has already made it clear they don't, do you all do favours for people who have been dicks towards you?

What about the poor kid who barely even knows OP, it's unfair on them too.

Nice to see a thread where the OP has a backbone in my opinion, so if it wasn't already obvious YANBU. Has the mum made any reference to not sending DSS yet?

Original poster
Op11 · 23/07/2023 22:38

But yabu for believing everything that comes out of your dh’s mouth in relation to his ex, and how she speaks to him/what their conversations are. Men in these situations can be, shall we say, very economical with the truth

Oh trust me I've seen it with my own eyes. Read messages, heard phone calls, even had the police called to my doorstep once after she hit him and was ranting and raving after i told her to leave and shut the door in her face. I am fully aware of what an awful person she is and its not just from things my husband has told me. She is a hideous woman.

In answer to some other questions i don't think the 5 year olds father has much involvement nor his family but I'm not 100% sure on the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Op11 · 23/07/2023 22:42

DojaPhat · 23/07/2023 19:43

I'm not really sure this is the defence you think it is Confused

Show quote history

What do you mean? I'm talking about the child of my husbands ex and her new partner after her and my husband had already separated. Why would my husband be a father figure to said child? That's like saying she should be a mother figure to my child 😂

You seem confused. I'm not talking about a child that is my husbands or was even ever his step child. This child was born from his exes new relationship after he'd already separated from her. My husband has absolutely no relationship or responsibility toward or with this child and neither do I.

OP posts:
WildUnchartedWaters · 23/07/2023 22:43

DojaPhat · 23/07/2023 19:43

I'm not really sure this is the defence you think it is Confused

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🤣🤣 I dont think you have a clue whar you're talking about.

@Op11 ignore the clowns on this thread. Espec the one who said you believe everything your dh says. When you run out of reasons to kick op, make them up 🤣

I'm not sure ir anyone has answered this but I'm sure MN would be happy for you to palm your 2 year old off?