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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help because I don't like her?

157 replies

Op11 · 23/07/2023 14:19

My husbands ex has another child with her ex partner after my husband who is 5 i think, my husband and her also share a child who is 8, my stepchild, and me and my husband have a 2 year old together.

I entered this relationship (6 years ago now) with the hope that we could get along well but she was very hostile at the start and though she's somewhat civil toward me now as in we'll say hello when we see each other, she can be an absolute horror to my husband when she doesn't get her own way with something. The way she speaks to him sometimes it's atrocious and because of this I do not like her as a person at all. I never get involved and I'm always polite when I see her but I think she's just a selfish person in general.

Anyway onto the AIBU... her childcare has fallen through tomorrow for her 5 year old, DH is working, I'm not. She's asking me to watch her child so she can go to work and I've said no basically because I just don't feel like doing this woman any favours. I'm having DSS because it's our normal day to have him (week on week off) and I probably would even if it wasn't because he's my stepchild but her other child I've only met a brief handful of times and I put bluntly I just don't want to do her any favours because she's an awful human being.

Aibu?

OP posts:
PomTiddlyPomPom · 23/07/2023 15:09

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2023 15:01

God the number of women who’d rather be a doormat and call it being the bigger person is tragic.

If someone treats you badly, doing them favours isn’t a healthy response.

If this woman wanted to be nice to OP she would be. She chooses not to and then has the gall to ask for childcare. She’s not going to get a personality transplant and see the error of her ways because OP does her bidding. She’s a cheeky cow and all the people telling OP to just do it anyway are depressing.

100% this! Only on mn do women bend over backwards to help someone that actively doesn't like them!

SchoolShenanigans · 23/07/2023 15:10

@drpet49 doesn't sound like a chump to me. People are allowed to do nice things to people you know, although Mumsnet would have you believe other things.

That's not to say you have to do the same thing, but it certainly doesn't mean someone's a chump or a push over just because they do someone a favour.

And OP is naive to think the ex talking bad to her husband makes her a bad person. Exs rarely get on, that's part of the territory for lots of ex-couples. And she's just privy to it as he ex tells her. Lots gets said behind closed doors in lots of households, it doesn't make everyone a bad person

GolgafrinchamB · 23/07/2023 15:13

Hell no!

You don't owe childcare to someone who is actively obstructive to you and DH.

continentallentil · 23/07/2023 15:14

You are being childish and given she is also childish, she may retaliate by making access difficult with your step child.

Is it worth it? No

I’d ring her back and say you can manage it, but it’s a one off.

CliantheLang · 23/07/2023 15:16

Reason #924,578 why blended families don't work.

Ilikewinter · 23/07/2023 15:18

continentallentil · 23/07/2023 15:14

You are being childish and given she is also childish, she may retaliate by making access difficult with your step child.

Is it worth it? No

I’d ring her back and say you can manage it, but it’s a one off.

I disagree that the OP is being childish. Why on earth would the OP agree to provide childcare for a child she know nothing of?

This child has a father, and possibly grandparents, aunties, uncles etc - why cant they provide childcare to their own family?. I assume they've been asked and have said no, just like the OP is entitled to say no.

PimpMyFridge · 23/07/2023 15:20

In that situation I would also say no unless the DSS would love to have his little brother there and then I'd do it for him and only for that reason.

IdSell · 23/07/2023 15:24

She sounds awful but I'd probably want to say yes. I'd do it because I'd want to help DSS and helping his mother would be one way to do it.

UsingChangeofName · 23/07/2023 15:28

God the number of women who’d rather be a doormat and call it being the bigger person is tragic.

If someone treats you badly, doing them favours isn’t a healthy response.

Nothing to do with being a doormat and everything to do with knowing this is a relationship that is going to exist for the rest of your lives, due to their being dc in the middle of this. Therefore, working to improve that relationship will make things easier for the dh and for all 3 children involved, over the next 50 or 60 years. It really is a very healthy and sensible way to live your life.

Pkhsvd · 23/07/2023 15:29

I support you saying no; we have a not dissimilar set up and i just wouldn’t do this for someone who actively makes our life harder and is awful to my DH. I’d also be worried it’d become a habit.
The actual cheek of her to treat you like that then ask this is quite astounding.

Pkhsvd · 23/07/2023 15:30

For all the people who are saying they’d do it for the sake of the relationship/harmony etc I’m going to pour cold water and say that this won’t be the magic moment that things improve or she’s suddenly nice. She’ll either keep asking or conveniently forget this the next time she wants to be difficult

Catusrusty · 23/07/2023 15:32

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2023 15:01

God the number of women who’d rather be a doormat and call it being the bigger person is tragic.

If someone treats you badly, doing them favours isn’t a healthy response.

If this woman wanted to be nice to OP she would be. She chooses not to and then has the gall to ask for childcare. She’s not going to get a personality transplant and see the error of her ways because OP does her bidding. She’s a cheeky cow and all the people telling OP to just do it anyway are depressing.

Yep and if OP does it, the ex knows she can walk all over the dad and the OP too!

If you're not a bully or a CF, it can be difficult to put yourself in the mindset of one. It's easy to think the the ex may become more reasonable if you are nice to her. But she won't. The kind of woman who uses a child as a bargaining chip by withholding custody simply is not going to become sweetness and light.

Bullies can smell weakness a mile off. Stay strong OP.

Duckingella · 23/07/2023 15:33

If OP does it once she'd be most likely asked to do it again.

Why would you want to do a big favour for someone who's actively awful to you and your partner and uses their own child as a weapon to punish their father?

RegimentalSturgeon · 23/07/2023 15:33

And why have the stepson if his father isn’t around anyway ? Is that a regular thing? Seems a bit pointless.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 23/07/2023 15:36

I know 2 women who have this arrangement regularly.. It culminated in neither being able to have a dc of their own because their efforts went to the benefit of 2 random women.

Don't get into the trap op.

honestlywhat · 23/07/2023 15:42

I would do it - I would try and be assertive and say that it's on condition that she would return the favour one day in future when you are also stuck with your two year old.

I wouldn't expect the favour to come back (!), but cooperation is a good thing, and it's good for your DSS if his mother can make a better living.

Tessisme · 23/07/2023 15:43

working to improve that relationship will make things easier for the dh and for all 3 children involved, over the next 50 or 60 years

In my experience, working to improve anything involves cooperation from both sides. Going by the OP's information (and that is all any of us have to go on) her husband's ex has soured any potential for goodwill with her behaviour up until now. If the OP does this favour, how will things suddenly change? Unless the woman has a sudden flash of conscience. Or a personality transplant. I wouldn't be putting myself out for her.

IdSell · 23/07/2023 15:44

It's the DSS's sibling. Even if I hated the Mum I'd like to get to know the child.

PuddlesPityParty · 23/07/2023 15:47

Good on you OP! She’s a CF.

CapEBarra · 23/07/2023 15:50

Do, but charge her £50 for the day.

Usernameunknownfornow · 23/07/2023 15:53

Tell her she has to pay you lol.. Seriously you don't owe her no favour's the child technically he nothing to do with you (not being harsh)

PrincessofWellies · 23/07/2023 15:55

UsingChangeofName · 23/07/2023 15:28

God the number of women who’d rather be a doormat and call it being the bigger person is tragic.

If someone treats you badly, doing them favours isn’t a healthy response.

Nothing to do with being a doormat and everything to do with knowing this is a relationship that is going to exist for the rest of your lives, due to their being dc in the middle of this. Therefore, working to improve that relationship will make things easier for the dh and for all 3 children involved, over the next 50 or 60 years. It really is a very healthy and sensible way to live your life.

Well said.

TomatoSandwiches · 23/07/2023 15:55

She shouldn't have even asked you, YANBU she can ask his father or someone else, not your problem.

L0kiWh0 · 23/07/2023 15:57

I don’t particularly have a great relationship with DHs ex but I’ve had her dd over to stay on sdd’s week and her dd has been on holiday with us - we took all the kids to Disneyland and no way was I leaving a 5 year old out! Even If she’s nothing to do with us she’s sdd’s sister and there’s not much of an age gap (they’re a lot older now)

im not even a people pleaser and have been told I’m quite harsh before but I just think what difference does 1 more make.

JogOn123 · 23/07/2023 15:58

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