Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help because I don't like her?

157 replies

Op11 · 23/07/2023 14:19

My husbands ex has another child with her ex partner after my husband who is 5 i think, my husband and her also share a child who is 8, my stepchild, and me and my husband have a 2 year old together.

I entered this relationship (6 years ago now) with the hope that we could get along well but she was very hostile at the start and though she's somewhat civil toward me now as in we'll say hello when we see each other, she can be an absolute horror to my husband when she doesn't get her own way with something. The way she speaks to him sometimes it's atrocious and because of this I do not like her as a person at all. I never get involved and I'm always polite when I see her but I think she's just a selfish person in general.

Anyway onto the AIBU... her childcare has fallen through tomorrow for her 5 year old, DH is working, I'm not. She's asking me to watch her child so she can go to work and I've said no basically because I just don't feel like doing this woman any favours. I'm having DSS because it's our normal day to have him (week on week off) and I probably would even if it wasn't because he's my stepchild but her other child I've only met a brief handful of times and I put bluntly I just don't want to do her any favours because she's an awful human being.

Aibu?

OP posts:
pillsthrillsandbellyache · 23/07/2023 17:34

Well done for saying no, loving the doormats on here trying to convince you though. The best one said maybe she would be nice to you if you did this for her 😂. Nah, you don't do nice things for shit people. It's that simple.

stacyvaron · 23/07/2023 17:41

Really? If you have to ask, you already know the answer. It doesn't matter what she does, you're only responsible for your actions, and it's childish and petty.

bowlingalleyblues · 23/07/2023 17:42

No I wouldn’t take responsibility for an unrelated child where the mum was hostile and unpleasant, if anything happened to their child there would be no leeway or understanding, or working together as a team to deal with it. I wouldn’t put myself in that position.

Lowri1989 · 23/07/2023 17:44

It's incredibly cheeky to ask you. You're nothing to do with the child!

Anniegetyourgun · 23/07/2023 17:52

I don't understand the (not very many) comments that people would do it for the child. This isn't for the child. It's for the mother's convenience, because she doesn't have childcare on a work day. If OP doesn't help out she'll have to do what everyone else with young children does when her childcare falls through: take a day off, or work from home.

Ohyoudodoyou · 23/07/2023 17:58

Start of the summer holidays is it? Interesting...
No, three kids too much for you if you don't know one of them, also boundaries. The father of the child or his family need to take some responsibility and be the back up for her.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/07/2023 18:07

It's fine to say no.
I'd be inclined to maybe say yes if she would owe me a favour eg baby aug my child one day so DH and o could have a date day together but only if you need that and you'd trust her with him

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/07/2023 18:07

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/07/2023 18:07

It's fine to say no.
I'd be inclined to maybe say yes if she would owe me a favour eg baby aug my child one day so DH and o could have a date day together but only if you need that and you'd trust her with him

Babysit *

VeraMay · 23/07/2023 18:07

Be the bigger person and help. The children will most likely play together.

ImNotReallySpartacus · 23/07/2023 18:09

Not liking someone is a very good reason for not doing her a favour, as is simply not wanting to do it.

toomanyleggings · 23/07/2023 18:12

Could be describing my husband’s ex. He’s constantly having to do favours because otherwise she turns nasty and withholds access. It’s so annoying. I wouldn’t do it either

Mumtothreegirlies · 23/07/2023 18:12

I feel sorry for the long line of kids being dragged into these relationships breakdowns.
how awful for your step sons sister to be treated differently. She obviously hasn’t got any other family or constants in her life unlike her brother.
if it were me I’d do it so the child could be with her brother like normal siblings would be and put my big girl pants on.

Mumtothreegirlies · 23/07/2023 18:14

Anniegetyourgun · 23/07/2023 17:52

I don't understand the (not very many) comments that people would do it for the child. This isn't for the child. It's for the mother's convenience, because she doesn't have childcare on a work day. If OP doesn't help out she'll have to do what everyone else with young children does when her childcare falls through: take a day off, or work from home.

Think about the fact her brother gets to spend time with his family and other sibling and how she feels not being part of that. She’s only a child and it’s situations like these that are extremely damaging.

Liz1tummypain · 23/07/2023 18:17

Maybe just be honest with her. Tell her what you think of her. Just my crazy idea.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 23/07/2023 18:17

I'd say no too. Well done. You're not a free babysitter once you do it once, it'll be expected all the time. People like this take advantage.

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 23/07/2023 18:18

Things were always going to be complicated when you get with a man when he has a child who is barely 2 years old.

But no, if she's horrible to you or your husband then I wouldn't do it either.

SemperIdem · 23/07/2023 18:18

Mumtothreegirlies · 23/07/2023 18:14

Think about the fact her brother gets to spend time with his family and other sibling and how she feels not being part of that. She’s only a child and it’s situations like these that are extremely damaging.

Show quote history

She isn’t a part of it, that isn’t a feeling, it is factual.

I imagine that my SC’s new half sibling (only using that term for ease of understanding here, not because I refer to the baby as such irl) will easily reach adulthood without me ever having a meaningful interaction, possibly even seeing them.

lovesheart · 23/07/2023 18:26

I wouldn't tbf.. the whole social protocol bit I wouldn't know the right thing to do.

I purely wouldn't because there is no way I'm confident enough to be responsible for a persons child I have met briefly 😬 I would be terrified. I'd be overthinking everything down to an allergy I don't know about. If it goes wrong with a mum that most likely hates me anyway... that's horrendous 😭

lovesheart · 23/07/2023 18:27

lovesheart · 23/07/2023 18:26

I wouldn't tbf.. the whole social protocol bit I wouldn't know the right thing to do.

I purely wouldn't because there is no way I'm confident enough to be responsible for a persons child I have met briefly 😬 I would be terrified. I'd be overthinking everything down to an allergy I don't know about. If it goes wrong with a mum that most likely hates me anyway... that's horrendous 😭

Although I would openly explain that, that I'm not confident enough and too worried.

Mumtothreegirlies · 23/07/2023 18:31

SemperIdem · 23/07/2023 18:18

She isn’t a part of it, that isn’t a feeling, it is factual.

I imagine that my SC’s new half sibling (only using that term for ease of understanding here, not because I refer to the baby as such irl) will easily reach adulthood without me ever having a meaningful interaction, possibly even seeing them.

Show quote history

Sorry but that’s cold. So you don’t think her steps son sister will ever feel anything of this situation? Children are not robots.
This isn’t about the child’s feelings towards the adults it’s about her brother and spending time with him and the childhood they have together as a unit and not being separated all the time just because 3 adults decided they didn’t like each other.

SemperIdem · 23/07/2023 18:37

Mumtothreegirlies · 23/07/2023 18:31

Sorry but that’s cold. So you don’t think her steps son sister will ever feel anything of this situation? Children are not robots.
This isn’t about the child’s feelings towards the adults it’s about her brother and spending time with him and the childhood they have together as a unit and not being separated all the time just because 3 adults decided they didn’t like each other.

Show quote history

She might. But that is for her mother to manage. As it will be for the op to manage her own child’s feelings, should she ever need to.

They’re not separated simply because the adults don’t like each other, but because the children from the subsequent relationships are absolutely nothing to do with their older half siblings other parent, and even less so their partners.

LAMPS1 · 23/07/2023 18:38

I’d say no normally but first I would consider your step son. Is he close to his 5 year old half sibling? Would it make him happy to think you were willing to take his sibling on for the day? If so, I would say yes in the hope she became a bit more reasonable. It’s a huge favour you would be doing and you owe her nothing but it might make a small difference to your lives and if it doesn’t, well you’ve not lost much by trying…..you don’t have to oblige next time she asks.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 23/07/2023 18:40

@Mumtothreegirlies so how do you think the younger child copes during their brother’s usual contact time? Why, in their eyes, would this occasion be any different to usual (unless their mum is stirring the pot and telling them, in which case that’s entirely on mum not OP)

Bunny1987 · 23/07/2023 18:47

I made the mistake of looking after my ex partner’s brothers step daughter once.

It was just a one off as they needed a last minute babysitter.

After doing it then once I was always getting asked (was awkward saying no ) which could potentially happen to you.

I wouldnt agree to babysit the child and I don’t think your being unreasonable.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Mumtothreegirlies · 23/07/2023 18:54

SemperIdem · 23/07/2023 18:37

She might. But that is for her mother to manage. As it will be for the op to manage her own child’s feelings, should she ever need to.

They’re not separated simply because the adults don’t like each other, but because the children from the subsequent relationships are absolutely nothing to do with their older half siblings other parent, and even less so their partners.

Show quote history

They’re separated because the relationship between mum and stepdad broke down and now he’s moved on to his next one and had another child.