Everyone loves her-how do you become like this?

[Backinthesummerof1995]

One of the school mums/women in my area is so loved by everyone, super popular but in that nice way as in, people just adore her. She’s v confident and quite loud, but also great fun and a genuinely nice person.
I know lots of people with a great bunch of friends, but almost literally everyone loves her and she has friends in every set of people. I’ve not seen this to this extent before. They write things on her sm (birthday etc) about her being a truly beautiful person inside and out.
How do you become a person like this?

There are clearly views of women that certain women take and I don't share. 'Bitch' is one that I see frequently used on this site; 'fake' is another.

There is no such character attribute as 'fake'. Phoney behaviour is something everyone does to some degree - sometimes even with the best of motives. We all adjust our behaviour according to the people and situation we're in. By this definition we are all 'fake'. If any one person behaves completely without variance, on a good day and a bad day - is one thing to all people - then with good reason people are far more likely to be cynical of this than, for example, the sort of people who don't have a bad word to say about anyone. People are leery of the difference, can see through it, and are far more likely to be question the former than the latter.

It's amusing to see the third-person 'we' associating yourself with the 'nice' people by virtue of being friendly to someone's face and not 'bitching' about them behind their backs. IMO, not engaging in this form of duplicitousness is a fairly basic standard of common decency.

In sum, you and I clearly have a vastly different understanding of the word 'nice'.

However, rather than somewhat patronisingly ascribing this to a want of understanding on your part, I accept that this is merely a difference of opinion. Best put it down to that, and avoid further derailing the thread.

I suspect the reverse is true, despite the somewhat strange interpretations in this thread. It depends whether you rate popularity highly in your value system, or not.

Being a people pleaser rarely garners respect. The opposite is often true. And in the workplace/other parents form of interactions, I'd rather be respected than liked.

Charisma is actually a very rare quality which few people can truly claim to possess.

This is interesting about 'bitchiness' and 'gossiping'. I talk about other people a lot- I'm interested in them, their lives, and my friends are interested in them and their lives. I don't mind others talking about my life, indeed I know they do as sometimes friends tell me what others said.

I don't see this as gossip but as an extension of an interest in others. I can be a tad mean if someone really pisses me off, but otherwise I am generous in my interpretation of others' behaviour and like chatting through life, love and stuff with friends. It doesn't seem to stop people telling me stuff, indeed quite the opposite.

I am very good at keeping a secret though if asked.

I think you also need to be a person with no ‘rough edges’, as it were. No weird or awkward mannerisms or differences that will arouse prejudice or suspicion in the majority. It does help to be NT.

This doesn’t mean that if you have ND traits you won’t be liked, far from it, but you won’t slot in to anywhere easily as these socially adept charismatic types do.

I was just thinking the same. Jealousy is a truly ugly trait.

That's what I thought, Mary Poppins was my first idea! Being loud would put me off for starters.

Not quite the same but I have a colleague who is leaving. I have only worked with her a few months and in that time she has been extremely rude, aggressive, talks monologues. I have been quite shocked at how rude she has been to other much more senior colleagues and how unprofessionally aggressive she seems to be.

There are quite a few of us that seem to feel the same vibe and I know one other colleague said the other day he wouldn't miss her and she was a negative aggressive person who didn't bring any benefits.

However, there are a group in the business who absolutely adore her. Were actually crying (yes crying) when she said she was leaving. It is so odd!

I know several people like this and they are genuinely lovely, sunny, kind people. To echo what others have said, having a genuine interest in others seem to be the key. They always remember important dates, little details, see something that reminds them of you and then tell you. They make you feel loved and special. They have a lot of energy and their energy increases exponentially the more time they spend with others.

I am not one of those btw. I don’t remember any birthdays other than my kids, I find other people’s news about their lives boring (unless they are good at witty anecdotes as opposed to talking about the difficulty finding good plumbers for thirty minutes), and I quite often can’t tell the difference between people if they have similar hairstyles. I can never remember what job they do or what their children are called. I quite often pretend I haven’t seen people when I’m walking past and then later claim I forgot my specs. If I try and be cheery and nice, people ask me why I am being weird.

Fortunately the nice people are still friends with me as they’re so lovely, suckers!

There are plenty of people who are upbeat and helpful ('nice' if you like) but that quality that makes someone the centre of conversation even when they're not present is probably more about wanting to seem close to one of the popular groups, and partly because some people just tend to be self publicists, even when they're also very nice.

I know a few women like this and the common denominator that immediately comes to mind is that they have no opinions on politics or current affairs, never discuss things like poverty or human rights. However they all talk about holidays. I honestly think people just don’t want to “hear it”. Just plenty of positivity.

I have accidentally become this.

I was almost mute as a child, plagued with crippling anxiety. My childhood was a mixture of abandonment, neglect, poverty, and occasional abuse.

My self esteem was in the negative. I didn’t take good care of myself, I didn’t know how to, I didn’t think I had enough value to bother. Sometimes I weep when I recall the pain and loneliness I experienced for years on end.

I’m probably neurodivergent in some way.

Overtime, I slowly schooled myself through self help books, and people facing jobs that forced me out of myself. I approached learning to communicate with people like a life long school project. Then it became habit and I never stopped.

I have learned:
Be scrupulously clean, presentable, and smell great.
Smile.
Think of others first.
I’ve diligent learned manners and etiquette and observe them till they became natural.
I approach people wondering what exciting things they might tell me or I might learn from them.
I don’t sweat the small stuff.
I like making people happy and making them laugh.
I’m comfortable in who I am and also comfortable for people to take me or leave me as I am.
I have a palpable sense of excitement inside me a lot of the time, which is sometimes mistaken for sexual energy.

I only wanted not to be so mute and anxious, and to learn to become comfortable committing and being understood so I can get through the practicalities of life in order to survive.

It seems though, after 30 plus years of consistent daily hours of study and practice… I’ve accidentally become “popular” and “confident”.
I’m still baffled to be described as such. People assume I was born this way.
My mental image of myself is still as that quiet forgotten child sitting in the corner by herself.

Yes, you can definitely become something like this. It’s not easy, it took a lifetime for me, and you still feel like the child you inside sometimes. I need lots of alone time, I got used to the solitude and the silence.

It is genuine, not fake, but I consciously learned it, and it has improved my life immeasurably, I never would have believed I could come this far. My old school teachers and peers would be in disbelief!

Same here! I smile a lot though so probably look friendly. I get on well with older people.

I am ignored by many of the school mums but I am quiet and find small talk awkward. At our school, the mum like this isn’t loud but talks non stop, never running out of things to say, and not leaving anyone out. She also smiles a lot.

@HowWeDo that’s perhaps the nicest message I’ve ever read on here. So chuffed to read how far you’ve come, and you’re an inspiration to us all. I hope your life just continues to get ever better by the day and week.

I respect your POV because it only scored one "I".

Diagnostic value can easily be measured by the incidence of "I, me, my".

My bf was like this. She was beautiful clever, funny, talented and had a knack for getting on with anyone. She had the knack of being interesting and entertaining whilst being empathic and great at giving advice/support.

I say use to because her mental health took a toll . Being perfect is a lot of pressure. She's also a functioning alcoholic. She's difficult to be friends with now although as a fair weather friend she's probably still quite popular.

I know what you mean. I think it comes from within. If you are beautiful and lovable inside, it kind of shines through in your face and posture. The opposite is also true. I know people who are physically attractive, but so malicious, petty, greedy and vulgar that it ruins their looks.

In my experience, they:

Have a good sense of humour and can laugh at themselves. Not taking yourself seriously is a lovely trait

Never talk about others behind their back

Are cheerful

Are kind (not in order to look good, or poke into other people's lives, but because they hate to see their neighbours suffer)

Are real – not false or fake

Never show off, or try to out do and belittle others.

Take no pleasure in other people's misfortune (while pretending to care)

Are their own person. They don't follow the crowd, and don't creep around the dominant alpha types. If they believe something is wrong, they will go against the popular and cool people. Being your own person, having a strong moral code, and having the confidence to do your own thing is so attractive. Some people are so herd-like. They have to be reading and watching what everyone else is reading and watching.

Have a genuine and deep sympathy for other people (not that sickly, fake "I'm here for ya babes" nonsense)

Have goodwill towards others – I mean, they don't begrudge them happiness or success

Are interested in other people without being nosy. There is a big difference. Nosy people fish for gossip and misery. They want to know how much you earn. And they want to hear about your failing marriage, or your daughter's crap GCSE results, etc. Being interested in people is different – it means wanting to know their favourite novel, their favourite paintings, their spiritual beliefs, etc. Above all, it means listening.

Have class. I don't mean money or a private school education or a silly accent. I mean they know how to behave – eye contact, smiling, not talking over you, not screeching with fake laughter, not boasting...pleasant manners, etc.

Such an interesting thread! Do we reckon these shiny/magnetic people like the woman described in the OP actually KNOW they are perceived this way?

I was recently with a group of my DC’s friends’ mums, all universally agreeing on how awesome a particular person was when their name came up in conversation.. the woman in question then happened to come into the café(!) and although we all said hello and had a quick chat, it wasn’t obvious how much we were dribbling in admiration talking her up behind her back. Kind of the opposite of bitching - I don’t think she has any idea how liked and respected by such a broad cross section of people she is..!

To go back to the question being asked by the OP: we can't like everyone. And everyone can't like us. We are human and this is our basic condition. Likewise, the way you see someone else isn't necessarily the way others see them, or how they see themselves.

A good many posters on this thread seem very certain of how they are viewed by others. Aside from the friends who are closest to me, I genuinely could not put myself inside others' heads, or claim to know how others viewed me. (And it's not a question to which I've ever given a great deal of thought). I'd also venture to say it would be a very exceptional person indeed - perhaps a mind-reader - who could.

You ask how to become a person like this? You can't. You might have an idea of them that has nothing to do with the actual person. It would be a singular person indeed whom everyone liked. Not impossible, but highly unusual.

In the end this makes no difference, because trying to become more like them won't bring you any real love, confidence or happiness. You're trying to measure yourself against a standard that might not even be realistic: an idea of someone, rather than who they actually are. (The school gates are also not necessarily the place to form meaningful connections, albeit a lot of the mums at DC's school I sincerely like).

You are not this person. You are you. And that is a great thing. Value yourself in your own right. You are worth it.

What a lovely post. You were clearly always this lovely, even as a child ❤️

I have two friends like this. People just gravitate towards them and they have friends going back to nursery school. One is 50, the other 70. Both are very different personalities - one is very witty and outgoing. One much quieter but has clear boundaries, is fiercely loyal and caring. Both can get on with people of all ages, backgrounds, ethnicities, status and are open, engaging, and interesting as well as being interested in everyone around them. You know if you tell them something in confidence, it will go no further. Both of them are wise and not dishing out advice unless asked for. I know people with similar traits, and who are popular, but no one else I know, are the people magnets that these two are. I do think it’s some sort of X factor.

I think some people are just like that. I don’t think you can “become” it. You can be friendly and kind and sociable but some people just have that personality.

My daughter is like this. She is loved by everyone she meets.

She is attractive, bright, and confident, but not amazingly so. What I think she has is a fantastic ability to connect with everyone, listen to what they say, remember things about them, and make them feel good about themselves in her company.
She is a ‘good’, ‘nice’, caring person, but not more caring than most people, and probably doesn’t care about individuals as much as she makes them FEEL that she does.

She has ALWAYS been like this, so I think to some extent it’s innate (though she certainly didn’t inherit it from me!). But I think she also realised at a young age that she had this ability, and was aware she could use it to her advantage, so practised it and got better at it.

She was also good at acting at school, and had a lot of stage presence, and starred in her school musicals even though she was far from the best singer.

I know a school mum who's very popular but not as nice as your one OP, she's the school Queen Bee, she can be nice one day and not so nice the next and yet the other mums flock around her like she's some kind of superstar, it's baffling..

My cousin is like this, hugely popular, beloved by her boss, I think a lot of it is to do with her sparkle, her energy, she is always on the go.

Your friend must have supreme self-confidence. I know that if I thought of knocking on a new neighbour's door to introduce myself, I would imagine all sorts of negative reactions to the extent that I wouldn't do it. Your friend assumed she would be treated nicely. Not everyone feels like that, sometimes because of previous experiences.

Maybe popular people simply assume they will be liked/accepted/welcome and don't have self-doubt. I would guess that this may well come from feeling loved and wanted as a child and therefore valued and valuable.