Everyone loves her-how do you become like this?

[Backinthesummerof1995]

One of the school mums/women in my area is so loved by everyone, super popular but in that nice way as in, people just adore her. She’s v confident and quite loud, but also great fun and a genuinely nice person.
I know lots of people with a great bunch of friends, but almost literally everyone loves her and she has friends in every set of people. I’ve not seen this to this extent before. They write things on her sm (birthday etc) about her being a truly beautiful person inside and out.
How do you become a person like this?

I agree. I also think there are a number of aspects of luck here. These women are often quite, or even very attractive, but often in a non-threatening way to other women. I have never encountered one of these women who was either ugly, or a complete sexpot. They are often women who, for whatever reason, have a stable, similarly pleasant long-term partner or at least positive family situation.

I would also say that while I sometimes wonder what it would take for me to be more like this, I am actually quite shy, and friends have pointed out I would probably hate the attention and demands.

I also wonder if there is a degree of poor boundaries with some of these women. While I have managed to form meaningful friendships with some I have met, I have often ended up squeezed out by people who more selfishly and insistently demanded more of their time.

I’m not trying to make it personal but you’re having a hard time understanding how someone can truly be a genuinely nice person without being fake.

Lots of people are genuinely nice people and therefore people are drawn to them.

It doesn’t mean we’re not perfect, it just means we’re not nice to your face and then bitch about you behind your backs.

Its really sad to see so many posters on here who associates her being nice with her being fake.
But that says more about them than this woman.

I think it’s very contradictory that you won’t use the word bitchy because you find it misogynistic but will happily imply that a woman but be fake if she’s acting like a nice person.

poor her sounds exhausting
i would think it has something to do with being authentically yourself, but it only works if your authentic self is likeable and charismatic
some people are just genuinely likeable and some people learned it as a skill
even some narcissistic people are very likeable people

I know of a few people like this.

There seems to be 2 groups of them:

The ones who are loud, mouthy and get attention just because they are not afraid to voice their opinion and always have some sort of gossip to tell people and always the ring leader in a large group while everyone stands round in a circle listening to them.

Then there are the ones who are just truly lovely people inside and out, always nice and pleasant to people and in general just a ‘people magnet’ who seem to attract groups of people who are interested in what they have to say.

The only upsetting/ irritating thing for me is i feel that both groups take too much of the attention away from other people, just because they have ‘the gift of the gab’. Like in work group discussions, they are always the ones talking the most while everyone stays quiet and listens to them but as soon as I try to put my opinion across, I’m unheard, taken no notice of and talked over.

I see myself as a nice, friendly person who is always polite and approachable and will talk to anyone. But it’s as if nobody notices me or really cares. I really don’t get it to be honest.

I find I can be forgetful when it comes to other peoples lives. Obviously I remember the big important stuff but I find remembering the smaller stuff that is still important to them, really makes the difference.

I started doing it as I was aware that as a big personality I can tend to dominant conversations, so I made a conscious effort to change and this really helps.

This is me too. I also live in London and occasionally end up in conversation with strangers on public transport. It last happened yesterday. I got on the tube and someone had left their umbrella between empty seats opposite me. 20 mins later the umbrella was still there, so I decided to take it. Woman sitting next to the umbrella look surprised that I had taken it, so I explained that it been left there before she got on the tube. She said it wasn’t there when she got on the tube. I said it was as I got on at X Station. Conversation then flowed about the bloody rain and why we were both in the West End yesterday. We had a laugh.

I’m not always lovely as I also say the shit stuff, the not so good aspects of my life and the stuff no one else has the balls to say.

My DH and DC always rib me about how I talk too much and take ages talking to people in the supermarket, library, restaurant, street, etc. I take it as a compliment.

My mum’s also very chatty although she’ll strike up conversations with people serving her in shops whilst on the phone during her lunch break, which is annoying as I’m left left hanging on hold having to listen, esp. when I’m on my lunch break, trying to work or just busy with the kids/home life. My mum also can’t keep a secret, likes to gossip and suffers from extreme FOMO. Anything told to me in confidence stays with me.

A few of my work colleagues are also friends who I spend time with outside of work, including inviting them to a big Birthday Party several years ago. I left and then went back to this particular workplace because I missed working with them, the grass definitely wasn’t greener and the money was better.

I can be loud but I’m also an introvert who likes spending time alone. I like spending time alone in nature, going to the cinema alone and having quiet time to reflect. I enjoy spending time at home when DH and the DC are all out. I walk around the park alone or go to the cinema alone day on my off work whilst our youngest two DC are at school.

I also work in a caring role, with a high and pressured workload, and where I’m exposed to others trauma, so I ensure I schedule in time for ‘self-care/me-time’.

A friend told me that they would like to be like me when they grow up, which I think may be the biggest compliment I’ve received, as I had an difficult upbringing, went to State schools, had my first child at 20, struggled through Uni whilst working PT as a working single parent, and generally haven’t always made the best choices, esp. when I was young and naive.

People like this put themselves out there. I can/have been that person in some settings (various workplaces) and not at all in others (school gates) depending on whether I can be arsed or not.

Typically, you need to be smiley, take an interest in people and remember details about their lives that you can build on and follow up with in future conversations, keep conversation (about yourself) light, be helpful and generally pleasant to be around. It definitely takes confidence and for some people, effort.

I disagree with those saying it's nice dcs who end up charismatic. You can be a terror when younger and then change to be likeable. I was awful because of my childhood but changed when older. Knew better and did better.

Quite the Machiavellian philosophy

This has really really changed in recent years and men are often called bitches, or accused of being bitchy.

How do the friends of the "lovely people" know they are their true friends? By definition if someone is wonderful, kind generous, friendly, amazingly supportive etc to everyone they meet then how do they demonstrate friendship? It's a bit like meeting naturally quiet people. Their "quietness" isn't a response to you personally, it's just who they are.

You can improve your social skills, but I don't know if these sorts of people can be made. I think they're born.

There's a difference between being a genuine lover of people and those special friendships. I have a few very close female friends who know they could turn up at mine anytime or ring me anytime. And I'll be there. Like sisters. But I wouldn't do that for everyone or I'd be a mug. I'd help direct others to outside help though. I have some male friends but they're not as close.

Both my grandma (on my mum's side) and my mum are like this, nice, kind, genuine, interested in people, have a lot of people around them who want to be friends, others gush over them, rightly so. In addition to just being very nice, but not perfect people, they are also very even-tempered and hardly ever lose their temper or even raise their voice. I think this makes them reassuring to others, maternal and warm, they are never unpredictable, almost never anyway.

I am popular but more of an acquired taste. Lots of people like me but a few don't and that's fine. I don't mind being that, I don't think I have it in me to be nicer!

The other thing is they don't use their charm and niceness to get things either, for themselves. I'm more likely to turn on the charm to get things, like better service, or just for fun, to flirt or have a good time. I think they are more genuine and less up and down, they make great life partners for this reason.

I may get flamed for this… but I think I might be that person. I promise I’m not an ego maniac 😂 I’m sure not EVERYONE loves me because that’s not possible but I’ve always made friends easily with (pretty much) anyone. I’ve been described as a social butterfly since I was tiny. I guess I’m a (mostly) positive extrovert but don’t take myself too seriously. Wear my heart on my sleeve. Oh and I love people.

I think it comes down to how much you like people yourself.
If you're happy to chat and give people your time, if you genuinely care they're okay, can offer support and comfort but not from a place of drama vulture and you're also someone who is able to have a laugh, I think that's usually what makes people likeable.
I think as well the boundaries of supporting someone going through drama and depending on what it is, not getting dragged into it, is a really tough skill to master but it's probably something this mum has.
She sounds like good people.

I honestly think you have to be an extrovert to be like this and not all of us are built for it. I couldn’t cope with loads and loads of people crowding round me and vying for my attention. Also, magnetic people like this have lots of competition for their time, so being one of their ‘admirers’ can be an unsatisfactory experience, not through any fault of their own.

The other danger of getting all this flattery from others is that (a) how do you know it’s sincerely meant (are those who compliment you after something?) and (b) sincere or not, flattery is bound to distort your self-image, either because you believe it or because you know it’s untrue. Nobody is ever wonderful all the time.

I wrote my response before seeing yours, promise I didn't copy your answer 😂
I KNEW it was down to how much you can tolerate other people!
Good for you! You sound boss x

@PleaseSendNoodles see when I read that message I think, oh I'd love to be friends with PleaseSendNoodles. I often don't think that about other people on mumsnet, in fact, I'm glad I'm not friends with them a lot of the time!

The final thing I think is that my mum and gran think the best of people and don't bear grudges. So if someone ignores them they think that person's having a bad day, or if someone is weird, they give them space to sort it out. They don't expect a lot from others and then get disappointed when it's not met (partly as they have solid relationships and lots of friend options). They don't fall out with people and again, that's reassuring to others that there's quite a bit of room in the relationship and not much judgement.

It's basically a virtuous circle, the more you are like this, the more people are drawn to you, the more friend options you have so you relax and don't put too much pressure on anyone.

They are intrinsically like this though. I think you can put on a good show of charisma and interest in people but if it's not that genuine, it won't result in that type of genuine admiration you want.

She has charisma. It's a gift some people are born with, just as others are born being amazing at Maths naturally or whatever.

I would be interested to know what traits charismatic people have in genera though! I know three or four charismatic people and thinking about it, although they have slightly different styles (or other personality traits) I think probably the most common one is that they seem to not have an ego yet nor are they pushovers. I guess they have naturally landed on that elusive sweet spot so people don't take liberties but they don't need to defend themselves.

They also are pleasant people, but they don't go out of their way to be overly pleasant either, which can be read as ingratiating or irritating. They seem to have a way of seeing beyond petty details, don't get bogged down in gossip but nor are they self-congratulatory non-gossipers. They just keep things moving along, going with the flow.

Highdays has it - they don't put pressure on people. That's what I meant by going with the flow.

You have to treat everyone with unconditional positive regard, smile a lot, never gossip. Listen far more than you talk. When you do talk, you need to be articulate and possess intelligence and humour. Being pleasant looking but not gorgeous helps.

I also go knocking on our neighbours doors to introduce myself and our family when we move home, therefore we are friendly with most of our neighbours and have a really helpful neighbourhood WhatsApp group.

I posted Christmas cards through their doors for the first few years, and most of them did the same. I haven’t had the time or the energy to keep up with that the last few years and most people don’t bother with cards anymore anyway.

I talk to a select few school parents and I’m chatty with my DC’s school teachers and other school staff. I’ve removed myself from the school parents WhatsApp groups over the years, as I’d had enough of the constant messages and bored parents posting utter shite and starting unnecessary drama.

I’ve distanced myself from a wannabe Queen Bee school mum who’s DC is classmates with our youngest DC, as she’s toxic. It’s been tricky re. organising play dates outside of school as our DC aren’t as close anymore, but they luckily still play together at school. Our kids are part of a bigger friend group, so I communicate with all of the kids’ parents via a smaller WhatsApp group to arrange meet ups outside of school.

Oh I forgot- you do have to have boundaries. Being a pushover or people pleaser immediately dumps you outside “has charisma/ everyone loves her” territory