Everyone loves her-how do you become like this?

[Backinthesummerof1995]

One of the school mums/women in my area is so loved by everyone, super popular but in that nice way as in, people just adore her. She’s v confident and quite loud, but also great fun and a genuinely nice person.
I know lots of people with a great bunch of friends, but almost literally everyone loves her and she has friends in every set of people. I’ve not seen this to this extent before. They write things on her sm (birthday etc) about her being a truly beautiful person inside and out.
How do you become a person like this?

My Mum had a real charisma and people warmed to her and confided in her. She was genuine and kind and approachable.
She would never make anyone feel awkward or embarrassed and if you told her something private it never went any further.
I hope I have inherited her qualities and traits.
She was so unassuming and generous, remembering things people had told her, dates and anniversaries and birthdays. It came naturally to her, she made friends everywhere she went and took time to notice people alone or who were perhaps struggling a bit.
i think she went through life being like her own Mum who had survived a great deal of tragedy and refused to give in to feelings of bitterness. She would say that if her Mum survived X and was a good example, then she owed her Mum to honour her memory by being kind and considerate too.
It came naturally to my Mum but it was a conscious decision to live life in a positive and decent way because it is better for you to do that on a physical and mental level.
There was always a lightness about my Mum, which made her appear much younger than she was.
Life threw my Mum many curveballs and she dealt with everything quietly with no drama and didn’t discuss outwith her family.
I will forever miss her positivity impact and influence but I try to live by her values of compassion and not gossiping, something she never did.
Her star will always burn brightly and if I can be more like her then I will be alright .

So what word would you use to describe this sort of behaviour? Genuinely asking as it is a word everyone knows what it means. You know exactly what sort of behaviour is being described when it is used. I mean, is it because it’s traditionally been used for women you have an issue with it? I’d used it to describe a man’s behaviour too if they were, indeed’ being bitchy.

you can’t pretend some women (and some men) aren’t [insert new word here]? So what do you suggest we all use.

ps aren’t most words which are used negatively going to come from a historically insulting place because they are (of course) insulting? How do we be honest and [bitch] about our foes if we aren’t allowed to use words that have ever been thought of as insulting?

Interesting thread. I am fascinated by people who seem to "command' affection.

I have been excluded by a queen bee a few times which made me think about my values a lot.

Some (not all) popularity is worthless because those people admiring you only want a way to bolster their own status.

I for one will check out viv groskopf new book as I love her!! Didn't know she had a new book out. I hope it's on audible.

I’m not sure why you wouldn’t use the word bitchy if someone was acting that way.

Why not just be honest.
This is probably why you are not as well liked as the woman in question because you see bitchy behaviour but refuse to acknowledge it.
That’s not a person people want to be associated with.

You come across as fake if you refuse to believe that some people can be bitchy.

I find it sad that if a women is seen as being well liked and a nice person it must be because she’s being fake.

@Blossomtoes oh your comment is 🌸🥹
may we please have more comments how to be like your mum? ❤️

I wish I knew. She was born like it I think. However hard I try to emulate her - and I do - I’ll never be half the woman she was. She was a sunny summer day in human form.

One of my friends is a bit like this. Not loud, but outgoing, easy company and easy on the eye too. Most people do love her, genuinely, but I was surprised recently to discover that she has her detractors. I don't know what their problem is, but hey. Can't please everyone. I don't suppose she's that bothered.

I could never become like her. I look too grumpy for a start, and unless there's immediate chemistry I can give off the wrong vibes at first. I've never really wanted to be different, though.

Note how often this word is used about women. Now note how often it's used about men.

Yes, this the reason I have an issue with it. It's misogynistic.

Behaviour which in women is lambasted as 'bitchy' or 'bossy' is often viewed in much milder terms as 'assertiveness' when the same behaviour is engaged in by men.

If you don't like someone's behaviour the right thing to do is either challenge the deed (not the person) in an adult manner, or to withdraw and disengage. You can do both these things without turning it into a playground fight or calling people pejorative names.

And it's very easy not to involve yourself in idle gossip. You say nothing. And if someone tries to draw you into it, you don't reciprocate.

I'd have thought the above self-explanatory, but I suppose it depends where you want to expend your energies.

I think you’re either like it or you’re not - sorry!

I know someone whose son is a massively magnetic personality and other kids are just drawn to him - he isn’t doing anything it’s just the way he is.

Im not like it so not saying it in a smug way. I get on with people fine but I’m not someone who everyone thinks is amazing. I’m average likability I guess!

Love it! 😂🙌

This is probably why you are not as well liked as the woman in question because you see bitchy behaviour but refuse to acknowledge it.

You know nothing about me whatsoever. You have no idea whether or not people choose to associate with me. I'm pixels on the internet. (Pixels that generally tend not to spell out the word 'b-i-t-c-h', or other unpleasant pejoratives used to describe women.

It's a mere online discussion. No need to make it so personal.

The one person I knew like this, I met around the age of 19.
They had had real hardship through their early years but this had given them a determination and self-belief, as well as a non-judgmental side. They worked in quite social jobs (had been since the age of about 15), and no doubt had to be self-controlled and quick thinking about dealing with unwelcome attention. Most - perhaps all - male friends or colleagues would have thought they had won the lottery if she'd dated them. She was also - and I think this does have to be part of it - very physically beautiful.

What I noticed about her style over time - when having chance to see or hear their interactions - was that it could be, underneath the charm, quite subtly manipulative, too. Speaking to someone about tax codes - got her way, probably successfully in getting the other party to bend the rules a bit. Exchange with a doctor about a test that would be very, very unlikely to be arranged for someone of that age - yep, didn't take long (not that this was a bad thing, it's just that most of the population would be sent away and told: no, it won't be; not old enough). There are certainly other examples here, but too specific.
That does point to confidence, quick reactions, and self-value to a fairly high extent, I suppose.

You are me. And I do think I'm genuinely a kind person who appreciates people and I try to have good values and be a good friend. But I don't have that charisma X factor. It used to bother me but honestly it takes all kinds. Nothing wrong with being the quiet one.

No one has mentioned religion. I am not religious but a know a few people who are and are particularly lovely in that they are nice about whatever goes on in someone's life, forgiving and kind and always look on the bright side of things.

Pollyanna types who, if you lost a leg would say that it was lucky because you have another one.

They are pretty annoying.

I'm not saying all religious people are like this but I know two or three (of different religions) and they are so damm positive and accepting about everything, it's quite annoying. If you were their friend and asked them their opinion about something you could never quite be sure of their reply. It would be bound to be super positive and enthusiastic.

Haven't RTFT. Have given it some thought. I have known a few people like this.

They genuinely care more about making other people happy than about what anyone thinks of them. They concentrate fully on the person they are talking to - when their attention is directed at you, you feel like the most important person in the world. They remember details about you, because they care. They do stuff for people if they think it would help, without worrying about whether it might make them look nosy, trying-too-hard, or weird.

This puts you in a Catch-22, OP, because if your goal is for people to like you then you won't be thinking first and foremost about THEM, which is what would make them like you.

I'm kind of like this. I really just love people. My sister-in-law says that I come across as warm and that's why strangers like to talk to me. The irony is that I'm pretty introverted, but because of my job I have to be a bit outgoing, so I've developed that skill even though it's against my nature. I'm not loud, though, I'm pretty quiet.

Being outgoing, positive and interested in other people, but never pushy or overbearing. I think to pull it off without being a total mess of repressed rage and anxiety, you’d also need to be fundamentally happy and secure. Sounds obvious, but it’s a lot easier to be positive about other people when you feel good about yourself.

I'm leaving religion out of my response as I don't think the behaviour you describe is reducible to religious types. But focusing on what you say in your second paragraph, what is it they call this? 'Toxic positivity', or words to that effect.

There are arguments that this form of behaviour can be highly injurious to others' mental health.

For God sake. Lay of the self-help books.

She is underneath not a particularly confident person so she needs to surround herself with people and always be busy and feel liked. She can often give too much of herself and then get upset or disappointed when others aren't as generous with their time as her

This. I have a friend like this too. She is needy for attention/People's time/to be constantly surrounded by people. She cannot bear to be alone, not even for an hour. I find her overbearing. I also think she does things for her own benefit, but others see it as she will do a favour for anyone. Yes, if there is something in it for her - either financial gain/not be left on her own or its just something for her to do/a favour subsequently owed to her. Everything she does has an alternative motive, IMO. To quote her "X has asked me to do Y for her. That's a favour in my back pocket that X will owe me".

@Backinthesummerof1995
I think that there are some people who give generously of their time and do so without complaint or expectation of return. They are warm and accepting and people overlook whatever flaws they might have because they are always present in such a positive way.

Oh gosh I think you must just be much more zen than I am. I mean I’m not mean or gossipy person and I dont remember the last time I had any sort of issue with someone else.. but if someone is a dick (is this word allowed?) to me, I need to vent to my boyfriend about it.

I think we are perfectly capable of acknowledging the difference between saying someone is “bitchy” and the general issue of women being judged by different standards to men. (And I have certainly been called “a bitch” when a man would just be called assertive/authoritative so totally with you on that being a problem)

words often have several uses or even meanings. And someone can be bitchy without being a bitch. Personally I feel the word bitchy is very descriptively useful for getting my meaning across and will continue to use it.

I am close to someone like this. Smart. Kind. Great sense and f humour but also just completely genuine. She doesn’t try to be anything she’s not and I just feel good when I spend time with her. I think the fact that she is also very articulate and a great listener also helps her.

She really is just one of the nicest people I know and spending time with her is a pleasure.

Mutabiliss · Today 10:51
It's called charisma. It's a rare, fortunate quality and you can't learn it, people are like that from childhood. I know two people with it (in different areas of life) and they're both very outgoing, both performers as a hobby and work in sales by day, both very popular, everyone loves them. They're funny, engaging and positive.

I just enjoy their company and accept that I'm not like that at all 😂”

This. It also helps, I think, if they have benefitted from a comfortable, supportive upbringing and a good education. Both of those things build confidence and self-esteem.

At least I have some good news to take from this thread, we can get rid of all the paid qualified mental health professionals and just hand it all over to free random posters to diagnose by MN posts