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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dp told me he’ll be an hour, it’s been 7

173 replies

aibuow · 22/07/2023 23:05

My partner told me he’s going for a few pints with a mate after work and that he’ll only be about an hour. I texted him earlier and he told me was still at work but leaving soon to meet his friend at the pub, I caught him lying and basically he had already left work and was already at the pub. The reason he lied was because he wanted longer at the pub so wanted to say he was still at work, if that makes any sense? I got super mad at him for lying, because that’s not what we do. I told him I don’t mind how long he is just don’t lie to me. We sorted it, it’s fine. Then we plan to get a takeaway and he promises to bring it home to me. At this point it’s 8pm he’s been out since 4 I’m super agitated but didn’t want to express it because he can do what he wants. He then rings me to tell me the absolute latest he’ll be home is 10pm it’s now 11. He’s been out 7 hours after promising he’ll only be an hour and bring us dinner. I would like to add I’m 37 weeks pregnant. I got really angry and rung him basically told him to fuck off and to go to his own house. (We have our own houses but do be with each other in either house every night) I’ve ordered myself dinner as he can do one. Id like to add he never does this, and rarely goes out he’s been so good to me throughout my pregnancy and likes to stay with me. AIBU?

OP posts:
rwalker · 23/07/2023 12:38

WildUnchartedWaters · 23/07/2023 12:27

I don't understand men. I don't understand why they dont just say I'm going out and I wont be home til late. Dont wait up.
That's fine.
Why do all this carry on which leaves women more annoyed than they would have been in the first place?! I dont get it.

If it were that simple that’s the way it works in our house (both ways )
but in all honesty If they would of said that in the first place they’d be told they can’t go so lie to avoid this

Spacecowboys · 23/07/2023 12:39

I don’t think the relationship sounds healthy. Why would an adult need to tell their partner how long they will be, what time they’ll be home etc when out with friends. I can understand when there are children involved because socialising needs planned around that. But this situation all sounds pretty controlling and I’d be hearing alarm bells. It’s as if he needs permission to spend time with his friend and it’s not like he’s taking the p* and doing it all the time.

WildUnchartedWaters · 23/07/2023 12:40

rwalker · 23/07/2023 12:38

If it were that simple that’s the way it works in our house (both ways )
but in all honesty If they would of said that in the first place they’d be told they can’t go so lie to avoid this

Show quote history

Then that's wrong.

These threads of the partner waiting til stupid oclock, with no food.. 'he said hed be home' as if they are infants. It's ridiculous.

WildUnchartedWaters · 23/07/2023 12:42

Catusrusty · 23/07/2023 09:33

Controlling? Deeply controlling? Utter rubbish.

For being upset about being lied to at 37 weeks pregnant? For being left without food as the time for it to materialise gets pushed back and back. Not to mention that the OP could go into labour at any time?

The OP doesn't come across as even vaguely controlling, she's even tried to ensure her responses haven't escalated the situation.

So what if he usually behaves fine? He hasn't on this occasion and it's fine to communicate that. The OP is entitled to respect from the man she is growing a baby for. Also it is well accepted that lots of men start their poor behaviour during pregnancy.

Your post is really weird, firstly you set the bar really low for him. It's seemingly fine for him to get pissed and lie to OP and then you savage the OP for having even modest boundaries and launch into hyperbole. She so clearly isn't deeply controlling that it is just utterly ridiculous to suggest she it.

You're either massively projecting or a man wanting to give a pregnant vulnerable woman a kicking.

OP this is utterly clear cut. Yanbu to want a partner who doesn't like and behave like an utter dick. At 37 weeks he should not be getting pissed, he could be needed at any time and what's more, he should be self regulating that decision making process. He clearly doesn't prioritise you or his unborn child. Imagine if you were rushed into hospital for a difficult birth requiring surgical intervention, he would have to turn up to the hospital in an impaired state and stinking of booze.

Yes you'll get the usual misogynists blaming you for his bad behaviour and trying to deflect, but honestly he sounds like a loser.

Show quote history

Oh stop it 🤣

Comtesse · 23/07/2023 12:48

I don’t think I’ve ever been 7 hours late for anything in my life. Is it only men who are allowed to be ao very flaky?

WildUnchartedWaters · 23/07/2023 12:57

Comtesse · 23/07/2023 12:48

I don’t think I’ve ever been 7 hours late for anything in my life. Is it only men who are allowed to be ao very flaky?

Women dont get curfews on nights out, thats why.

WildUnchartedWaters · 23/07/2023 12:58

DustyLee123 · 23/07/2023 07:25

My DH says everybody lies, but that’s just his excuse to lie. And I don’t, so that’s not everybody.
I hate lying. At least he has shown you who he is.
‘I’d be very careful about which surname you give baby.

You and the other post i cant find now that said about taking him off the BC are bonkers.

Watchkeys · 23/07/2023 12:59

WildUnchartedWaters · 23/07/2023 12:57

Women dont get curfews on nights out, thats why.

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Showing up when you say you're going to show up isn't a curfew, it's self respect and sticking to your word.

Watchkeys · 23/07/2023 12:59

WildUnchartedWaters · 23/07/2023 12:58

You and the other post i cant find now that said about taking him off the BC are bonkers.

Show quote history

Because you know best.

Comtesse · 23/07/2023 13:00

@WildUnchartedWaters wandering off for 7 hours when your partner is 37 weeks pregnant is not entirely normal - hope this helps…..

nalabae · 23/07/2023 13:14

I'm not pregnant and I would be mad as hell too

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/07/2023 13:30

Thank you @AutumnCrow 💛💛💛 when I start leaving him to babysit and have my own evenings out eventually I might try on the 'I'll be back by 7' and let my phone battery die and stroll in at 330am and see how he likes it 😂😂😂

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/07/2023 13:31

nalabae · 23/07/2023 13:14

I'm not pregnant and I would be mad as hell too

Yup it's just very disrespectful to not let the person you love know what's happening if there's a change of plan

Libelula21 · 23/07/2023 13:42

daisychain01 · 23/07/2023 08:47

Maybe he’s feeling a bit panicked and worried about becoming a Dad, and just letting off some steam before the baby arrives.

oh Diddums, he wasn't feeling panicked and worried when he was DTD was he. What's with such low expectations that fathers are so psychologically flakey that they can't cope with being a responsible adult when they're 50% responsible for bringing a child into the world.

Heaven help the OP when the baby is colicky, has reflux, keeps them up all night, he'll be running for the hills with panic then! Oh wait, he'll be down the pub getting bladdered leaving the OP to do all the hard work and then turn up like Disney Dad when it suits him.

That’s very possibly true, but there’s also a scenario that in his mind he’s taking this very seriously, hence a degree of stage fright. Some people become Dads and suddenly pull their socks up.

It doesn’t help a pregnant mum-to-be with a potentially rocky relationship with her partner to jump to the conclusion that things are worse than they actually might be.

WildUnchartedWaters · 23/07/2023 13:43

Comtesse · 23/07/2023 13:00

@WildUnchartedWaters wandering off for 7 hours when your partner is 37 weeks pregnant is not entirely normal - hope this helps…..

He didnt wander off. He went out!

WildUnchartedWaters · 23/07/2023 13:44

Comtesse · 23/07/2023 13:00

@WildUnchartedWaters wandering off for 7 hours when your partner is 37 weeks pregnant is not entirely normal - hope this helps…..

No.

But get a grip.

Taking a child off the bc and giving him your name because he went out and didnt bring home a takeaway ffs

WildUnchartedWaters · 23/07/2023 13:45

Libelula21 · 23/07/2023 13:42

That’s very possibly true, but there’s also a scenario that in his mind he’s taking this very seriously, hence a degree of stage fright. Some people become Dads and suddenly pull their socks up.

It doesn’t help a pregnant mum-to-be with a potentially rocky relationship with her partner to jump to the conclusion that things are worse than they actually might be.

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But the drama Queens on here dont care about her, not really. They are forgetting this is someones actual life.

I assume they all leave their partners if they go on a night out and come home late 🤥

Rycbar · 23/07/2023 13:45

You see this isn’t about him being out for 7 hours. If you’re like me then if I’m told ‘I’m going out after work, will probably be a late one so don’t wake up’ I’m absolutely fine and look forward to a night in by myself.
If i’m told a couple of hours AND im waiting for them to bring food home for tea I’d be livid!

WildUnchartedWaters · 23/07/2023 13:48

Rycbar · 23/07/2023 13:45

You see this isn’t about him being out for 7 hours. If you’re like me then if I’m told ‘I’m going out after work, will probably be a late one so don’t wake up’ I’m absolutely fine and look forward to a night in by myself.
If i’m told a couple of hours AND im waiting for them to bring food home for tea I’d be livid!

I dont understand why people do that though. Tjeres been loads of threads
You know hes not going to do it, so make your own tea and be an adult.

Those asking why he lied should maybe ask why he felt the need to and didnt feel able to say actually il be out til late.

I had an ex who used to set curfews and expect me home. It's only controlling when it's one sex.

Rycbar · 23/07/2023 13:52

WildUnchartedWaters · 23/07/2023 13:48

I dont understand why people do that though. Tjeres been loads of threads
You know hes not going to do it, so make your own tea and be an adult.

Those asking why he lied should maybe ask why he felt the need to and didnt feel able to say actually il be out til late.

I had an ex who used to set curfews and expect me home. It's only controlling when it's one sex.

Show quote history

But that’s the point, they it’s not the expectation of having to be home early because of a curfew. It’s the expectation of doing something you’ve said you’ll do. OP said he’s never done this before. So why should she expect him to do it now?

WildUnchartedWaters · 23/07/2023 14:17

Rycbar · 23/07/2023 13:52

But that’s the point, they it’s not the expectation of having to be home early because of a curfew. It’s the expectation of doing something you’ve said you’ll do. OP said he’s never done this before. So why should she expect him to do it now?

Show quote history

I was making a more general point. Someone asked why women dont do this and IRS because they come home when they feel like it.
I dont know many of my pals who would go home at 9 with a takeaway for their husband fs

Dee00 · 23/07/2023 14:50

I think you should lighten up OP.

I went out on Friday with some school mums, we met at 6pm for a couple of drinks. I don’t know them that well apart from light chit chat at the gates so I honestly thought I’d be out for an hour or two tops. It was a great night and the wine was flowing, I crawled home at 11.30pm. If my DP had been ringing me asking where I was I think I would’ve died of embarrassment. I rarely go out and he was happy I’d had such a good time.

My DP rarely goes out so when he does I’m also happy for him. Even if he said he shouldn’t be long and if he was, I would never ring him! I just find it a bit immature.

Sorry if that’s harsh, maybe it’s your pregnancy hormones, maybe you were hungry?? Sometimes one drink turns into a great night and we all need one once in a while.

Watchkeys · 23/07/2023 15:12

@Dee00

Did you tell you partner you'd be back in an hour with dinner? If not, it's not comparable.

WildUnchartedWaters · 23/07/2023 15:14

Watchkeys · 23/07/2023 15:12

@Dee00

Did you tell you partner you'd be back in an hour with dinner? If not, it's not comparable.

Women dont have to. Men rarely ask.

Dee00 · 23/07/2023 15:16

I know what you mean, No I made dinner for them before I went out. But, I did tell him I wouldn’t be long, and I honestly thought I would be back by 8 max.. which is similar.

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