Page 4 | dp told me he’ll be an hour, it’s been 7

PinkPlantCase · 23/07/2023 09:09

YABU.

He didn’t want to tell you how long he’d be at the pub for because he thought you’d be angry about it. Then you got angry about it.

It sounds like he kept you updated about how long he’d be. He didn’t just go off the radar.

Unless it’s some kind of huge drip feed that he going out lots or often goes on huge benders, I couldn’t get upset about drinks out on a Friday night with work coming home at 10/11pm. In our house these things are pre-arranged, discussed, agreed and put in the calendar. Maybe that’s something to look at in the future?

Tbh the only relevance of you being 37 weeks pregnant is that nows the time for him to go out to social events because he won’t be able to for a while. If you don’t share this view you need to discuss this with him.

If you were really upset and wanted him to come home and spend time with you, you could have told him how you felt and asked if he could come home now. Like two adults working in a partnership together. Instead you got angry and told him to fuck off to his own house 🤷‍♀️

Starshiptroopee · 23/07/2023 09:11

Fairislefandango · 23/07/2023 08:51

There is nothing 'deeply controlling' about expecting your partner, whose baby you're expecting in a couple of weeks, not to say he's going out for an hour and bringing you home dinner, lie about his intentions from the beginning, then stay out for 7 hours. It's not as if the OP told him he was only allowed to go out for one hour!

Oh Ffs, what part of this is not his usual behaviour are you missing?

Guy gets let off the leash and gets a bit carried away due to booze, so what?
It's as if people don't know what booze does!

I'm giving the OP the benefit of the doubt that she's so controlling as she is pregnant, he's blameless.

femfemlicious · 23/07/2023 09:11

Yabu...he should be able to go out without being so closely marked. This is just too much!

Gingerboy22 · 23/07/2023 09:13

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/07/2023 01:01

Not true at all.

DP and I have been together 4 years and are totally committed. If it came down to it, it would be me saying "No" to us living together but we both agree that while we adore each other, out living arrangements as they are suit us. I cant stand the fact that he has the TV on all the time and can just sit watching any old shite. He cannot stand the fact that I love silence and will read or (at best) listen to audio books and radio plays while I knit or do lego. He is an extrovert who recharges by being with people and gets down if he is alone, I am an introvert who recharges by being alone and get overwhelmed if I spend too long in a loud social situation. We manage this by spending our evenings split between our own time and then 50/50 with each other. That wouldnt be any different if we had a child together.

In fact when we have spent longer than a week together we are both antsy to get back to our own spaces and routines. If it works for them who the hell are you to say that it shows a lack of commitment? I have seen many people "end up" living together through circumstances because its easier than actually deciding to, which I would argue shows less commitment than having a conversation and making an agreement about what works for their relationship best rather than following societal norms.

Show quote history

Op won't be able to to and fro daily when she has a child.

PinkPlantCase · 23/07/2023 09:14

@Starshiptroopee I agree! It also seems like a bit of a stretch to think that he always planned to be out until 11 and was lying about it. It sounds like he was having a good time and wanted to stay out longer as he was enjoying himself.

If someone is generally pretty great and a good partner this really isn’t a terrible thing to do.

femfemlicious · 23/07/2023 09:15

Thatboymum · 23/07/2023 03:35

I can’t believe people are saying yanbu as you most certainly are , the pregnancy is irrelevant it’s not an excuse for very clearly being a controlling or insecure? partner. You aren’t his mum are you why does he need to promise you he will be home at x time and keep reporting back to you? If he felt he needed to lie then I’d be having a long hard look at myself and why my partner felt he had to lie to me to spend time away from me. Also the agreeing he would bring you food was obv just to control him into coming home. I think you come across as a bit narcissistic and your plan to make him feel shit for daring to enjoy himself has backfired as your now stuck at your house miserable and he’s got what he wanted and can relax and enjoy his night and go back to his as he pleases

I agree with you. She is very controlling

Maddy70 · 23/07/2023 09:15

Firstly. Noone is an hour .....

Fairislefandango · 23/07/2023 09:16

Oh Ffs, what part of this is not his usual behaviour are you missing?

So? The OP is still justified in being annoyed about it. I'm not saying she should end the relationship or anything!

Conkersinautumn · 23/07/2023 09:18

He's unreliable. It's not hard to say I'll be out all night, see you soon. But apparently he's not got that ability.

TheInterceptor · 23/07/2023 09:25

'We don't do that'. One of you does.

Naunet · 23/07/2023 09:26

Starshiptroopee · 23/07/2023 09:11

Oh Ffs, what part of this is not his usual behaviour are you missing?

Guy gets let off the leash and gets a bit carried away due to booze, so what?
It's as if people don't know what booze does!

I'm giving the OP the benefit of the doubt that she's so controlling as she is pregnant, he's blameless.

Show quote history

Oh so it’s ok for men to lie to your face, as long as it’s not too often?!

Batalax · 23/07/2023 09:31

I’d cut him some slack. He never normally goes out. I suspect he had good intentions but was enjoying himself, knew he was in trouble anyway so decided sod it. I think the op might not have been ok with it in the first place tbh if he felt he had to pretend he was still at work to get himself a bit more time.

The lying isn’t acceptable, of course it isn’t. If you really would have been ok with him staying out if you’d known in advance, then reassure him if that for the future. But I’d give him grief for the lying, whilst understanding it was a one off cock up.

If otoh you aren’t really ok with him having a proper night out op, then rethink that op.

Catusrusty · 23/07/2023 09:33

Starshiptroopee · 23/07/2023 08:46

The key is that this is not his usual behaviour.
Seems to me that he got a bit carried away. So what? Who the fuck trusts the word of someone who has had drunk booze anyway?!
OP sounds deeply controlling- now this is also forgivable given her situation.
Maybe this controlling behaviour is rare for her too.

In which case, just let it slide and move on.

But having been in a controlling situation where I had to 'check in' for all sorts of dumb reasons, this really resonates.

Ex raising hell because I hadn't given him a fucking week's notice that I was meeting a friend for a coffee, being made to feel bad about going out for a surprise meal because 'stuff had been pulled out of the freezer', I can tell you it wears you down to the point where you stop doing anything.

So I'm going to turn this on it's head.
Are you normally this controlling OP?
Or can you be forgiven for this outburst as you're pregnant?

Controlling? Deeply controlling? Utter rubbish.

For being upset about being lied to at 37 weeks pregnant? For being left without food as the time for it to materialise gets pushed back and back. Not to mention that the OP could go into labour at any time?

The OP doesn't come across as even vaguely controlling, she's even tried to ensure her responses haven't escalated the situation.

So what if he usually behaves fine? He hasn't on this occasion and it's fine to communicate that. The OP is entitled to respect from the man she is growing a baby for. Also it is well accepted that lots of men start their poor behaviour during pregnancy.

Your post is really weird, firstly you set the bar really low for him. It's seemingly fine for him to get pissed and lie to OP and then you savage the OP for having even modest boundaries and launch into hyperbole. She so clearly isn't deeply controlling that it is just utterly ridiculous to suggest she it.

You're either massively projecting or a man wanting to give a pregnant vulnerable woman a kicking.

OP this is utterly clear cut. Yanbu to want a partner who doesn't like and behave like an utter dick. At 37 weeks he should not be getting pissed, he could be needed at any time and what's more, he should be self regulating that decision making process. He clearly doesn't prioritise you or his unborn child. Imagine if you were rushed into hospital for a difficult birth requiring surgical intervention, he would have to turn up to the hospital in an impaired state and stinking of booze.

Yes you'll get the usual misogynists blaming you for his bad behaviour and trying to deflect, but honestly he sounds like a loser.

Starshiptroopee · 23/07/2023 09:44

Catusrusty · 23/07/2023 09:33

Controlling? Deeply controlling? Utter rubbish.

For being upset about being lied to at 37 weeks pregnant? For being left without food as the time for it to materialise gets pushed back and back. Not to mention that the OP could go into labour at any time?

The OP doesn't come across as even vaguely controlling, she's even tried to ensure her responses haven't escalated the situation.

So what if he usually behaves fine? He hasn't on this occasion and it's fine to communicate that. The OP is entitled to respect from the man she is growing a baby for. Also it is well accepted that lots of men start their poor behaviour during pregnancy.

Your post is really weird, firstly you set the bar really low for him. It's seemingly fine for him to get pissed and lie to OP and then you savage the OP for having even modest boundaries and launch into hyperbole. She so clearly isn't deeply controlling that it is just utterly ridiculous to suggest she it.

You're either massively projecting or a man wanting to give a pregnant vulnerable woman a kicking.

OP this is utterly clear cut. Yanbu to want a partner who doesn't like and behave like an utter dick. At 37 weeks he should not be getting pissed, he could be needed at any time and what's more, he should be self regulating that decision making process. He clearly doesn't prioritise you or his unborn child. Imagine if you were rushed into hospital for a difficult birth requiring surgical intervention, he would have to turn up to the hospital in an impaired state and stinking of booze.

Yes you'll get the usual misogynists blaming you for his bad behaviour and trying to deflect, but honestly he sounds like a loser.

Show quote history

Yep deeply, deeply controlling.
Without food? Ffs.
He's just an overall good guy who got carried away due to a bit of booze.

Your post is ridiculous.

PinkIcedCream · 23/07/2023 09:49

Well isn’t he a peach? Sorry, you’ve saddled yourself to this loser.

Thankfully, he’s not moved in so you can have the baby and claim maintenance from him and let him see the baby when it suits you. I certainly wouldn’t want to rely on a bloke like him that puts his own needs first and lies to protect himself. If you don’t split up now, you will no doubt eventually crack and kick his sorry ass out. Best not to waste too much time giving him endless chances to redeem himself and get rid now.

I find it hilarious the number of posters who tie themselves in knots to normalise his shitty behaviour towards his heavily pregnant partner. He’s acting like an unattached kid not a grown man with family responsibilities. He said he’d be an hour and bring her home some food and several hours later, he’s still in a pub with his mates and likely pretty drunk. Yuck!

Set the bar higher ladies!

Watchkeys · 23/07/2023 09:49

Thatboymum · 23/07/2023 03:35

I can’t believe people are saying yanbu as you most certainly are , the pregnancy is irrelevant it’s not an excuse for very clearly being a controlling or insecure? partner. You aren’t his mum are you why does he need to promise you he will be home at x time and keep reporting back to you? If he felt he needed to lie then I’d be having a long hard look at myself and why my partner felt he had to lie to me to spend time away from me. Also the agreeing he would bring you food was obv just to control him into coming home. I think you come across as a bit narcissistic and your plan to make him feel shit for daring to enjoy himself has backfired as your now stuck at your house miserable and he’s got what he wanted and can relax and enjoy his night and go back to his as he pleases

So, when a partner says 'I'll be back in an hour with dinner', you think it's fine for them to stay out late and not bring dinner? And you think that expecting them to do what they, themselves, have said they will do, is controlling and narcissistic?

How do you make plans in your house? Or are you single?

Batalax · 23/07/2023 09:53

It’s obvious he should have said, “I’m off out this evening, not sure what time I’ll be back”. It depends on why he didn’t say this.
Genuinely op, what would have been your response to that? Truthfully.

Watchkeys · 23/07/2023 09:53

rwalker · 23/07/2023 06:56

He wanted a few hours with his mate so he took the path of least resistance and lied rather than ask permission

Making an agreement between mutually respectful partners isn't asking permission.

PinkPlantCase · 23/07/2023 10:07

Watchkeys · 23/07/2023 09:53

Making an agreement between mutually respectful partners isn't asking permission.

Show quote history

I got really angry and rung him basically told him to fuck off and to go to his own house.

Yes there’s lots of mutual respect there.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 23/07/2023 10:14

Batalax · 23/07/2023 09:53

It’s obvious he should have said, “I’m off out this evening, not sure what time I’ll be back”. It depends on why he didn’t say this.
Genuinely op, what would have been your response to that? Truthfully.

This is what I’d like to know.

Just re-posting this for the many who seem to be overlooking it…

”Id like to add he never does this, and rarely goes out he’s been so good to me throughout my pregnancy and likes to stay with me.”

FlyingHighFlyingLow · 23/07/2023 10:14

He is being a dickhead. He should have said he was going to pub and that he didn't know what time he'd be done, and if it was late he'd go straight to his so to order yourself some food. Unless OP would have reacted badly to this I don't see why he didn't.

For comparison, I'm only 22 weeks pregnant but having some complications so I've had a few hospital trips. My DH said his team are going out bowling after work, would I mind? I said of course not, are you going out for food after, to which he said he didn't think so. 7pm-ish I get a phone call saying they've finished bowling, the rest are off to X pub (that does nice food) and he'll be home in 20. I asked didn't he want to go to the pub, to which he said he'd said before he'd come home have dinner with me. I told him I'd be fine to make myself something and to go enjoy. 10pm he says he's on his way back, 20 mins later he's in the door. Doesn't appear drunk, turns out he didn't drink in case I needed to go to hospital. Did he stay out longer? Yes. Did I care? No. Because he treated me with the respect of keeping me in the loop. He didn't even need to ask if I was ok with it, even though he did.

Unless OP has a history of behaving badly when he goes out he was being inconsiderate and a dickhead.

fearfulexchange · 23/07/2023 10:14

My ex husband started doing this to me in late pregnancy with first child. I didnt want to be the nagging uncool wife so said nothing (tolerated it). Eventually we would meet him coming in when we went down for breakfast. It's was a horrible life.

Notimeforaname · 23/07/2023 10:17

Id like to add he never does this, and rarely goes out he’s been so good to me throughout my pregnancy and likes to stay with me. AIBU?

Then yabu

Starshiptroopee · 23/07/2023 10:24

Notimeforaname · 23/07/2023 10:17

Id like to add he never does this, and rarely goes out he’s been so good to me throughout my pregnancy and likes to stay with me. AIBU?

Then yabu

^This.

He's not, as some are trying to make out, some piss head who goes drinking all the time, just a guy who isn't used to drinking letting off a bit of steam.

I mean why is this such a big deal.

The normal response would be, 'OK he's not used to drinking, I've got to expect him to be out longer than he said he'd be and just do my own thing.'

As I said, is the OP normally this controlling or can she be excused as she's pregnant?

NatashaDancing · 23/07/2023 10:25

Batalax · 23/07/2023 09:53

It’s obvious he should have said, “I’m off out this evening, not sure what time I’ll be back”. It depends on why he didn’t say this.
Genuinely op, what would have been your response to that? Truthfully.

That would be interesting.

As for the "left with no dinner"? Really? The OP wasn't initially expecting a take away so why not eat what she would have been expecting to eat anyway?