Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

dp told me he’ll be an hour, it’s been 7

173 replies

aibuow · 22/07/2023 23:05

My partner told me he’s going for a few pints with a mate after work and that he’ll only be about an hour. I texted him earlier and he told me was still at work but leaving soon to meet his friend at the pub, I caught him lying and basically he had already left work and was already at the pub. The reason he lied was because he wanted longer at the pub so wanted to say he was still at work, if that makes any sense? I got super mad at him for lying, because that’s not what we do. I told him I don’t mind how long he is just don’t lie to me. We sorted it, it’s fine. Then we plan to get a takeaway and he promises to bring it home to me. At this point it’s 8pm he’s been out since 4 I’m super agitated but didn’t want to express it because he can do what he wants. He then rings me to tell me the absolute latest he’ll be home is 10pm it’s now 11. He’s been out 7 hours after promising he’ll only be an hour and bring us dinner. I would like to add I’m 37 weeks pregnant. I got really angry and rung him basically told him to fuck off and to go to his own house. (We have our own houses but do be with each other in either house every night) I’ve ordered myself dinner as he can do one. Id like to add he never does this, and rarely goes out he’s been so good to me throughout my pregnancy and likes to stay with me. AIBU?

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 23/07/2023 07:25

My DH says everybody lies, but that’s just his excuse to lie. And I don’t, so that’s not everybody.
I hate lying. At least he has shown you who he is.
‘I’d be very careful about which surname you give baby.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/07/2023 08:05

YANBU to be upset. It’s the timing and the lying. By all means go out, just don’t lie about it or get steaming drunk. As for the surname thing, traditionally the baby gets the mother’s surname. Just traditionally she’s married and has taken her husband’s name first.

AussieMum135 · 23/07/2023 08:05

Yep been there done that...they do not change. I couldn't of cared less if he went out, it was the being hours and hours later than the time advised....not knowing if something had happened. One night a stranger answered his phone and asked for our address as he was that drunk he couldn't speak or move....I should of known then.....it took me 10 years...don't do it to yourself !

MinnieTruck · 23/07/2023 08:07

I’m very sure this is now the third thread you’ve started about this. 37 weeks pregnant, partner often going out and you feel like his mum for telling him not too.

Unless there’s 3 separate women posting the exact same thing…

Hibiscrubbed · 23/07/2023 08:09

The lying is awful. What a stand-up way for him to embark on life with you as new parents.

The lying about how he’s bringing dinner home for his pregnant partner by 8pm, and still being selfishly out chucking as many drinks down his neck as he can at 11pm at night, is fucking pathetic.

Notlookingforwardtochristmas · 23/07/2023 08:12

What an odd set up for a couple expecting a baby? Is this a serious relationship?

What do you plan to do when the baby is born? Take it to each others house on alternate nights?

Notlookingforwardtochristmas · 23/07/2023 08:13

Also, how did you find out he was lying?

GraysPapaya · 23/07/2023 08:14

At 37 weeks pregnant you could need him to get you to the hospital! It’s irresponsible going out drinking so he’ll be rendered useless if anything happens.
lying isn’t great either and neither is leaving a pregnant woman hungry.
it’s not controlling to expect basic levels od respect, some people have low standards!
My husband and I go out, but we respect each other and don’t lie, simple.

electriclight · 23/07/2023 08:15

It sounds as if you're incompatible and might have chosen the wrong person to have a baby with.

However, I recently did this to dp. I met a friend for a quick drink but I lost track of time and was enjoying myself. I got home much later than planned. DP had gone to bed but left a nice note and a meal for me to reheat.

I don't know. I guess I don't like the sound of you hassling him while he's out with a friend, especially as he rarely does it. The fact that he lied about when he left work makes me think that he knew that he was only allowed an hour and was going to be in trouble.

TakeMyStrongHand · 23/07/2023 08:17

Are you sure he can stay out as long as he wants? Why does he feel the need to lie to you like a child / parent relationship?

He is being unreasonable in that he has said he will bring you food and then didn't. I get it, time carries away with you when you're having fun and he obv doesn't want to leave but he could just say I'm staying and order food for you. But I'd suggest you are also unreasonable for him to feel the need to lie.

Fairislefandango · 23/07/2023 08:20

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just say, ‘that sounds like a nice evening, enjoy, see you later’.

It seems like she pretty much did say that. Why did he say he was going out for an hour and thej stay out for 7.

xPeaceXx · 23/07/2023 08:20

Exhausting. If somebody says to you ''i'm out tonight'' then you plan your evening, eat what he hates, watch a show he isn't in to, you're not waiting for him to come home, you just get on with your evening.

But for somebody to spend 7 hours implying they're about to come home any minute, that is not a person who can communicate.

Tangled123 · 23/07/2023 08:20

I see both sides.

I feel like you can’t relax fully if you’re waiting for someone to come back home, especially if you’re hungry because they’re meant to be bringing you food. You don’t want to order anything yourself because you’re afraid that, if you do, they’ll show up with food not long after. Far better for partner to say ‘I’m going out for the night, I’ll see you tomorrow’. At least you know where you stand that way.

On the other hand, it’s very possible that partner did only intend to go out for an hour. He was saying bye to go home, but the craic was good so he was convinced to stay. Then, that happened a few more times, and next thing he knows, it’s closing time. I wouldn’t be annoyed if this was a one-off and partner is apologetic about it. I’d be less forgiving if it happened again though.

Naunet · 23/07/2023 08:20

Thatboymum · 23/07/2023 03:35

I can’t believe people are saying yanbu as you most certainly are , the pregnancy is irrelevant it’s not an excuse for very clearly being a controlling or insecure? partner. You aren’t his mum are you why does he need to promise you he will be home at x time and keep reporting back to you? If he felt he needed to lie then I’d be having a long hard look at myself and why my partner felt he had to lie to me to spend time away from me. Also the agreeing he would bring you food was obv just to control him into coming home. I think you come across as a bit narcissistic and your plan to make him feel shit for daring to enjoy himself has backfired as your now stuck at your house miserable and he’s got what he wanted and can relax and enjoy his night and go back to his as he pleases

What a ridiculous post. So it’s all OPs fault that he lied is it? The old classic of women are responsible for bad male behaviour. And you’re raising boys? Wonderful 🙄

Notjustabrunette · 23/07/2023 08:25

Haven’t read all the messages, but this situation reminds of when I was heavily pregnant and my husband went on a night out which should have been 3 hours tops, and he ended up coming home the next day. He had a bit of a panic and thought he might not ever go out again once the baby arrives. Although it’s obvious not great, as long as it’s a one off situation I wouldn’t be too worried/annoyed.

Ep1cfail · 23/07/2023 08:31

If its a one off then I'd just let it slide.

Lollipop81 · 23/07/2023 08:36

If it’s a one off I would say let him be BUT at 37 weeks pregnant you could go into labour at anytime so no he shouldn’t be out drinking for that reason

Libelula21 · 23/07/2023 08:37

This is probably very ageist of me, but my view might depend on whether your DP is 23, or 43.

I agree with the wise poster who said to observe how he handles the discussion when he got home.

Maybe he’s feeling a bit panicked and worried about becoming a Dad, and just letting off some steam before the baby arrives.

Ladybug14 · 23/07/2023 08:42

You're 37 weeks pregnant, and you don't live with your partner

He says he'll go for a drink after work for one hour

His first thought is to lie to you to say he's still at work, but he's at the pub already. He must know you can find this fact out, so he doesn't care that you know he is lying

His second thought is to lie again to say he'll be home soon with dinner

He isn't home with dinner - again, he knows you'll find this out (der!), but he doesn't care

He leaves you without food even though you are having his baby. He leaves you agitated and upset even though you are having his baby

This CANNOT be a one-off as this level of disrespect and lack of care doesn't just pop up overnight

He's a loser

rainbowstardrops · 23/07/2023 08:45

Did he come back?

Starshiptroopee · 23/07/2023 08:46

The key is that this is not his usual behaviour.
Seems to me that he got a bit carried away. So what? Who the fuck trusts the word of someone who has had drunk booze anyway?!
OP sounds deeply controlling- now this is also forgivable given her situation.
Maybe this controlling behaviour is rare for her too.

In which case, just let it slide and move on.

But having been in a controlling situation where I had to 'check in' for all sorts of dumb reasons, this really resonates.

Ex raising hell because I hadn't given him a fucking week's notice that I was meeting a friend for a coffee, being made to feel bad about going out for a surprise meal because 'stuff had been pulled out of the freezer', I can tell you it wears you down to the point where you stop doing anything.

So I'm going to turn this on it's head.
Are you normally this controlling OP?
Or can you be forgiven for this outburst as you're pregnant?

daisychain01 · 23/07/2023 08:47

Maybe he’s feeling a bit panicked and worried about becoming a Dad, and just letting off some steam before the baby arrives.

oh Diddums, he wasn't feeling panicked and worried when he was DTD was he. What's with such low expectations that fathers are so psychologically flakey that they can't cope with being a responsible adult when they're 50% responsible for bringing a child into the world.

Heaven help the OP when the baby is colicky, has reflux, keeps them up all night, he'll be running for the hills with panic then! Oh wait, he'll be down the pub getting bladdered leaving the OP to do all the hard work and then turn up like Disney Dad when it suits him.

Fairislefandango · 23/07/2023 08:51

There is nothing 'deeply controlling' about expecting your partner, whose baby you're expecting in a couple of weeks, not to say he's going out for an hour and bringing you home dinner, lie about his intentions from the beginning, then stay out for 7 hours. It's not as if the OP told him he was only allowed to go out for one hour!

violinviolet · 23/07/2023 08:54

I'd be annoyed but I'd look at the bigger picture...
Is he a good partner overall? Is he hard working and generally caring to you?

If he is and you are happy I'd probably clock it up as him having a good time and getting carried away. But I'd be very annoyed and be making my point to him

electriclight · 23/07/2023 08:58

Fairislefandango · 23/07/2023 08:51

I did wonder whether op told him he was only allowed an hour. I can't think of any other reason why someone would say they're just leaving work when they actually finished early and are already in the pub.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7