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AIBU?

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Original poster

To love my DD more than my husband

195 replies

NadjaCravensworth1 · 22/07/2023 22:49

She's 16 months and I just love her so much. She fills my heart up to bursting. Once she's asleep I look at photos and videos of her like a lovesick teenager. Having her has totally redefined what I thought love was. I feel like it's completely unconditional for her but I can't say the same for my DH. Our relationship is good but the depth of feeling just doesn't compare. Has this happened to anyone else?

OP posts:
justanothermanicmonday1 · 23/07/2023 09:08

Frabbits · 22/07/2023 23:00

It's not healthy to compare love for a child to love for a partner.

They are completely different things. I love my partner and my kids in totally different ways. Not more or less, just different.

This.

riotlady · 23/07/2023 09:18

Nope, love them the same but totally different. My love for my child is an unbreakable natural bond, but my love for my husband is based on who we are as people and the fact that we have chosen each other makes it more special, not less.

Who I would save from a burning building isn’t the same as who I love more. I would probably save a random baby over my granny- doesn’t mean I love a strangers child more than my gran!

geekone · 23/07/2023 09:21

I remember being really sad the day after my DS was born thinking he will never love me as much as I love him.
I love my parents, I really do but the second I looked at my DS I loved him most in the world.
I love my DH but it’s very different and not comparable. He’s the same though.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 23/07/2023 09:35

I’d be concerned if you didn’t love your dd more than your DH. Is it totally natural and the way things should be. My dds are almost adults and I still feel like this. Not that I don’t love DH, I do, but it’s nowhere even close to the same.

GG1986 · 23/07/2023 10:07

I had this conversation with a lady at work once, she has 2 young boys under 7 years and she said she loves her husband more, I was shocked!

ForestGoblin · 23/07/2023 10:11

You pick your partner but you're landed with your kid. So some people will love their partner more.

ForestGoblin · 23/07/2023 10:12

And a partner can be loving and giving whereas kids just take and take and take. Deplete you.

blahblahblah1654 · 23/07/2023 10:15

TowerRaven7 · 22/07/2023 22:53

My ds as a young child used to ask who I loved more, him or daddy. I told him I loved them the same but differently, and it’s true.

Yes I'm the same. It's not more for one or the other, it's a different type of love. I love my DS and DH in equal measure though, just in a different way. Thankfully there's no scenario I can see having to choose between them!

C1N1C · 23/07/2023 10:16

Cat > wife

NewCracker · 23/07/2023 10:48

TinaTotal · 22/07/2023 22:59

My toddler is the absolute love of my life. No contest.

Exactly how I feel

Sapphire387 · 23/07/2023 11:09

Equally, but differently.

DH is the love of my life, I can't identify with posters saying things like they'd use their DH as a human shield.

I also don't think love for children has to be unconditional, particularly when they are grown up... what if your adult child started abusing you? Or committed terrible crimes?

EuniceNewtonFoote · 23/07/2023 11:43

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 23/07/2023 09:35

I’d be concerned if you didn’t love your dd more than your DH. Is it totally natural and the way things should be. My dds are almost adults and I still feel like this. Not that I don’t love DH, I do, but it’s nowhere even close to the same.

Well, clearly from many of the posts on here it's perfectly "natural" to love your DH as much as your DC.

What a good example we're setting for our children of healthy relationships between spouses. Much better than the my children are #myworld #myeverything posters.

CodenameSailorV · 23/07/2023 11:47

These threads are always very funny when they happen, especially viewed alongside other threads on this forum from people who would want to give their autistic children to social services, people who want to kick their difficult teens out of the house, people who prioritise their new boyfriend over their children etc. Let's face it, a lot of parents wouldn't die for their kids, in fact they wouldn't even make much smaller sacrifices than that.

It's easy to say you love your cute, small, helpless baby unconditionally. Even if the crying at night is annoying, they're so innocent! How about when they develop wants and personalities of their own, though?

Meanwhile in the real world, I know maybe...2 people who would say their parents loved them unconditionally? The rest of us had it very clear very early in life that there were many, many conditions attached, ranging from how we're supposed to do in school, to who we're supposed to fancy/have sex with/marry, to what Gods we're supposed to praise. And these were the "normal" parents- I also know quite a few people who endured horrific abuse from their supposed "unconditional" worshippers.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/07/2023 11:54

Doesn’t everyone?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/07/2023 11:55

Sorry - read the post above and feel I should qualify “everyone” - I mean it’s normal to love your dc more than your spouse. You’d be in the majority

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 23/07/2023 11:58

CodenameSailorV · 23/07/2023 11:47

These threads are always very funny when they happen, especially viewed alongside other threads on this forum from people who would want to give their autistic children to social services, people who want to kick their difficult teens out of the house, people who prioritise their new boyfriend over their children etc. Let's face it, a lot of parents wouldn't die for their kids, in fact they wouldn't even make much smaller sacrifices than that.

It's easy to say you love your cute, small, helpless baby unconditionally. Even if the crying at night is annoying, they're so innocent! How about when they develop wants and personalities of their own, though?

Meanwhile in the real world, I know maybe...2 people who would say their parents loved them unconditionally? The rest of us had it very clear very early in life that there were many, many conditions attached, ranging from how we're supposed to do in school, to who we're supposed to fancy/have sex with/marry, to what Gods we're supposed to praise. And these were the "normal" parents- I also know quite a few people who endured horrific abuse from their supposed "unconditional" worshippers.

You can think that your teenager is behaving like an arse and still love them unconditionally.

my love for DH comes with conditions and expectations, but my love for my dds really is unconditional. Even when I don’t like their behaviour.

CodenameSailorV · 23/07/2023 12:01

Sure, you can think your teenager is an arse, but if you want to kick them out, that's not really unconditional love, is it? Especially given how many bad things can happen to an unhoused young person. If it was "unconditional", then they'd always be at home in your home regardless how much of an arse they are. That was my point. The unconditional stuff is just talk and posturing.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 23/07/2023 12:01

EuniceNewtonFoote · 23/07/2023 11:43

Well, clearly from many of the posts on here it's perfectly "natural" to love your DH as much as your DC.

What a good example we're setting for our children of healthy relationships between spouses. Much better than the my children are #myworld #myeverything posters.

Show quote history

its a very good example to set actually. It’s quite possible to fall out of love with a spouse due to their behaviour. But I can’t think of a scenario where I would t love my dds. Not matter what they did. I may be very upset with them, but I’d still love them.

you can’t have unconditional love for a spouse. What kind of example would it be to your kids of a healthy relationship of you stayed with an abuser because you say you love them unconditionally? That’s just insane.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 23/07/2023 12:07

CodenameSailorV · 23/07/2023 12:01

Sure, you can think your teenager is an arse, but if you want to kick them out, that's not really unconditional love, is it? Especially given how many bad things can happen to an unhoused young person. If it was "unconditional", then they'd always be at home in your home regardless how much of an arse they are. That was my point. The unconditional stuff is just talk and posturing.

If it’s not safe for the family in general to have that teenager at home then I guess you could argue that you can still love them unconditionally despite kicking them out. Some situations are unsustainable due to behaviour. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them, just that it’s not fair on everyone to go on living that way.

for example. One friend could not manage her severally autistic older teenagers behaviour anymore. So she had to put him into residential care as she just couldn’t keep him safe. It broke her heart. She loves him unconditionally, but just couldn’t carry on as they were.

Frabbits · 23/07/2023 12:07

The limit to those conditions is most likely higher with children than a partner, but of course there is a limit to it.

There is no such thing as truly unconditional love. There just isn't.

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/07/2023 12:09

Sapphire387 · 23/07/2023 11:09

Equally, but differently.

DH is the love of my life, I can't identify with posters saying things like they'd use their DH as a human shield.

I also don't think love for children has to be unconditional, particularly when they are grown up... what if your adult child started abusing you? Or committed terrible crimes?

Don’t see how anyone could argue with this

Glemanam · 23/07/2023 12:09

Until you have a child, you never understand what depth of love you could feel. It's like chalk and cheese.

Partners you can be 'in love' with but should they betray you or you split up, you 'learn' not to love them. You don't just stop loving a child.

These types of love are worlds apart and incomparable so it's not even a topic for discussion IMO.

CodenameSailorV · 23/07/2023 12:26

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 23/07/2023 12:07

If it’s not safe for the family in general to have that teenager at home then I guess you could argue that you can still love them unconditionally despite kicking them out. Some situations are unsustainable due to behaviour. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them, just that it’s not fair on everyone to go on living that way.

for example. One friend could not manage her severally autistic older teenagers behaviour anymore. So she had to put him into residential care as she just couldn’t keep him safe. It broke her heart. She loves him unconditionally, but just couldn’t carry on as they were.

Show quote history

You are literally describing situations where conditions were enforced to said love. So yeah, that's not "unconditional love". I'm not even saying those parents did the wrong thing, just that they don't love their kids unconditionally. The had some conditions (e.g. my kid needs to behave a certain way to live with me) and enforced them.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 23/07/2023 12:29

Sapphire387 · 23/07/2023 11:09

Equally, but differently.

DH is the love of my life, I can't identify with posters saying things like they'd use their DH as a human shield.

I also don't think love for children has to be unconditional, particularly when they are grown up... what if your adult child started abusing you? Or committed terrible crimes?

I believe that with your children you can hate the things they’ve done, the way they’ve acted and even the sort of person they are. Whilst at the same time still loving them. I don’t think you stop loving your child because they’ve done terrible things. Maybe some people do and their love for their kids is conditional. But I find it a bit odd tbh and can’t really get my head around people stopping living their kids.

Usernameunknownfornow · 23/07/2023 12:32

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/07/2023 11:54

Doesn’t everyone?

Unfortunately some people despise their kids because they are bitter towards their kids dad or because they can't do what they used to do when they had no children, there has been quiet a lot post where pregnant women or women who have babies or just given birth complain how they feel "trapped."