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Original poster

To love my DD more than my husband

195 replies

NadjaCravensworth1 · 22/07/2023 22:49

She's 16 months and I just love her so much. She fills my heart up to bursting. Once she's asleep I look at photos and videos of her like a lovesick teenager. Having her has totally redefined what I thought love was. I feel like it's completely unconditional for her but I can't say the same for my DH. Our relationship is good but the depth of feeling just doesn't compare. Has this happened to anyone else?

OP posts:
Moneynewpence · 23/07/2023 07:32

Frabbits · 22/07/2023 23:00

It's not healthy to compare love for a child to love for a partner.

They are completely different things. I love my partner and my kids in totally different ways. Not more or less, just different.

Shh. Say that around here and you'll be branded a monster instantly.

KimberleyClark · 23/07/2023 07:34

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/07/2023 00:34

Those who say they could easily replace their partner…no, you could not because he is an individual and cannot be replicated. Yeah, you could have another relationship, get married again etc but it would not be the same because it’s not the same person

I’m always a bit shocked by the people on here who view their DH as replaceable.

bakewellbride · 23/07/2023 07:35

Well of course you love your kids more than a husband. That's the way it should be and the way ALL normal people feel op! It's unconditional and indescribable.

Anonymous20232023 · 23/07/2023 07:36

ClareBlue · 23/07/2023 02:47

This is so true. There are examples all around where parents have stopped loving their children. The unconditional love is when they are dependent. None of us like to think they will test it as an adult to an extent it reaches where the conditions of our love are, but the limit is there somewhere for all of us. For some parents it's not that far.
When someone's child commits heinous crimes the parents usually refer back to a time when the child was dependent, sweet picture as a 4 year old or a Christmas play as an 8 year old. No mention of the fire they started as a 16 year old or the cat they burnt when 12. So unconditional love can be quite dangerous for a child.
All love comes with conditions, it's just with our children the conditions are far removed than those with a partner.

Show quote history

Also no mention of the trauma the parent put them through, the abuse they inflicted or the love they didn't show when child was small.

I think it's when the unconditional love isn't there, or when it's shown in pathological ways, or when a parent loves their partner more than their child and will abuse the child to keep the partner, that things go wrong and our little child starts being shaped for a poor later trajectory...

Threenow · 23/07/2023 07:40

EuniceNewtonFoote · 22/07/2023 22:51

Oh god you're going to trigger a 100 posts proclaiming they would die/kill for their children ...

Just what I was thinking ......

IHateLegDay · 23/07/2023 07:46

Honestly, I love my children and husband the same amount but in different ways.

Justleaveitblankthen · 23/07/2023 07:48

The ancient Greeks had names for all the different types of love and it's still used today.
Totally different love.

I always think it's so interesting how a child can look nothing like you, completely favouring the other parent, yet they are still the most wondrous, amazing, thrilling, beautiful child ever to have been born 😍

Oh... and their scent... The smell of that little head!

I shared your obsession OP 😊

Irequireausername · 23/07/2023 07:51

I really love DH and know that I could never love another man as much ever again. I would honestly die for him.

Saying that I was also blown away by how much I love my kids, I would die for them too.

My family is 100% everything to me, I adore them! ❤️

readbooksdrinktea · 23/07/2023 07:53

Frabbits · 22/07/2023 23:00

It's not healthy to compare love for a child to love for a partner.

They are completely different things. I love my partner and my kids in totally different ways. Not more or less, just different.

This.

SophieinParis · 23/07/2023 07:58

EconomyClassRockstar · 23/07/2023 02:16

This is how nature designed it. OF COURSE you love your little child more than your husband right now. And you will still love them more as they turn 4, 5, 6 and then your child will get an opinion that isn't yours and will be kind of annoying A LOT of the time and next thing you know, you, as a couple, realize that you've put your children above yourselves and your kids are kind of dicks (only because they're teenagers and then they come back again) and voila! You reconnect and have a successful long term marriage.

That's literally how it works. I should probably write a book....😂

This is definitely true!!
The love you have for your toddler is pretty all consuming..I mean they are these adorable, determined, vulnerable little podgy beings and you are their whole world. But it doesn’t stay like that!when I go into my toddlers room in the morning, I just feel so happy seeing him standing in his cot beaming at me. Can’t say the same for when I go into tweens pit to get her up for school.

They grow up and become separate from you and whilst you love them endlessly the lovely rosy haze of connection between you fades and you realise that they are super annoying / entitled / messy etc etc and you realise the value of your marriage in raising your children to adulthood. You still love them completely and they are at the heart of everything you do but the intensity of the feeling you have for your gorgeous newborn/toddler doesn’t remain the same.

EuniceNewtonFoote · 23/07/2023 08:01

TRexTara · 23/07/2023 04:04

To make it clearer, you are supposed to love your baby more than the man in your life. This is normal, healthy, desirable.

It's normal and healthy to love your DC and DH equally. Makes for a functioning happy family.

MiddleParking · 23/07/2023 08:05

It’s a pointless comparison to make. I love my husband very, very much (and far more so for sharing children with him). I love my children very, very much. I don’t see why you’d compare them though because for most of us there is no burning building scenario and there never will be, there is no situation in which you’d be asked to tot up the zero sum love balance. I get different things from each relationship in my life; I don’t even love the children in exactly the same way, they’re two different people.

MissTrip82 · 23/07/2023 08:13

Totally different, I find it such an odd comparison. They can’t be weighed against each other

Also the people referring to ‘husbands come and go’ or ‘the man in your life’ good grief. Thank God I don’t just marry whomever would have me to have children. The whole reason the children exist is because of our love for each other.

Same with the silly hyperbole that people would die for their children - you really have no idea. I hope if I were tested I’d be courageous enough to do that. But plenty of parents - good parents, parents who would have said they’d die for the kids - have shown when it came down it they could not.

askmeonemoretime · 23/07/2023 08:14

I think a lot of women don't really love their DH and a baby is the first time they experience real love.

Hibiscrubbed · 23/07/2023 08:19

gjg · 22/07/2023 23:45

No and I love my children completely. I'm hurt when they're hurt , sad when they're sad etc. But I fully appreciate they will grow and grow apart from me and my husband is my life partner my equal in understanding and experience where my children are not. I love them unconditionally and maybe I do not my husband but as he he has not let me down in 20 years he is the love of my life, my partner in all this, we're raising the children together and he is the one I feel bound too. I agree there is more than one type of love .

Yeah I agree with this. I cannot relate at all with the obsessive love some posters on here talk about.

Once she's asleep I look at photos and videos of her like a lovesick teenager.

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 23/07/2023 08:28

I don’t actually think it’s particularly useful to quantify love, espcielly not two complely different kinds of love.

However I do think the notion of ‘unconditional’ love is interesting. It’s absolutely true that I love my children (under 6 years old), uncondionally. There is nothing they can do that changed how I feel about them. I love my husband very much, but that love absolutely comes with conditions of now I expect it be treated etc.

BUT the people who are saying that loving a partner unconditionally can leave you vulnerable to abuse etc, don’t seem to realise that as a child grows this becomes true of them too. I’m a prison officer, and frequently supervise visits. I can’t tell you how many parents I have seen absolutely broken down and destroyed, because despite the heinous things their adult children have done, they feel they have to love them ‘unconditionally’.

VestaTilley · 23/07/2023 08:33

It’s a different love, but yes, I do love DS more.

CarrieO · 23/07/2023 08:35

I very much love my husband but I’m pretty sure that if called for I would use him as a human shield to protect my children - probably won’t write that in his next birthday card though 😂

Thoughtful2355 · 23/07/2023 08:39

In general most people love they're kids more than anyone else BUT it's a different kind of love, you don't love your DH with the same love that you will love your children with.

Noicant · 23/07/2023 08:40

I love them the same but differently, push comes to shove though DD comes first. He’d say similar I think.

Willyoujustbequiet · 23/07/2023 08:41

Perfectly normal.

headcheffer · 23/07/2023 08:41

It's normal Grin your DH should feel the same way too! We are designed to protect our young above all else!

KimberleyClark · 23/07/2023 08:41

DH and I were not able to have children but if we had been I can’t imagine I would love him less.

ohfook · 23/07/2023 08:54

Yes I think it's like a lovely thread through time. I love my kids more than I've loved anyone or anything before yet they have no idea - am fairly sure my son loves minecraft more than any human. Yet if they have kids they'll feel that love and pass it on to them who will in turn be oblivious.

OnGoldenPond · 23/07/2023 08:58

This is how you should feel about your DC. It's the only totally unconditional love you will ever experience.