To love my DD more than my husband

[NadjaCravensworth1]

She's 16 months and I just love her so much. She fills my heart up to bursting. Once she's asleep I look at photos and videos of her like a lovesick teenager. Having her has totally redefined what I thought love was. I feel like it's completely unconditional for her but I can't say the same for my DH. Our relationship is good but the depth of feeling just doesn't compare. Has this happened to anyone else?

I disagree. My love for my children is conditional, although the parameters are broad. If my DS turned into a fred west I can't imagine I would still love him.

I wouldn't want to be with my DH if he loved me more than our kids. That's warped!

How about if he loved you the same as he loved your kids? Could you deal with that or consider that "warped" too?

It’s different from what you feel for your mum or dad or partner or siblings or nephews and nieces

My nephews came along long before DD, I had fertility issues so they were my like my own. I love them all the same though, my DD is the centre of my world and my priority because my nephews have their own parents but I still have that maternal bond with them though the bond with my daughter is stronger in that sense because I am her mother. My sister feels the same way about DD as I do about my DNs.

Love is never completely unconditional. Maybe love for your kids is, at least while they are dependent on you but many parents do stop loving their kids and kids stop loving their parents at times too.

It's naive in the extreme to think otherwise.

Good point @Frabbits

@Frabbits It’s possible, but very uncommon. The adult son of one of my Dad’s friends, for example, used her house as collateral on debt (forged her signature) and she ended up losing her home. She’s now living in difficult circumstances, but she’s never reported him to the police and still sees him.

Parental love is very strong and most find it hard to stop loving their child, even if they do horrible things.

It sounds perfectly normal. The only unconditional love should be between parent and child. Unconditional love isn’t a reasonable expectation in an adult romantic relationship.

It can change over time, as it should.. For example, MiL still loves her sons, but her husband is her priority now that her sons are middle aged. She definitely doesn't love them with the intensity she did when they were podgy toddlers.

Which is a good thing or it would be like that creepy poem some MNetters love "you'll always be my baby ..."

This is how nature designed it. OF COURSE you love your little child more than your husband right now. And you will still love them more as they turn 4, 5, 6 and then your child will get an opinion that isn't yours and will be kind of annoying A LOT of the time and next thing you know, you, as a couple, realize that you've put your children above yourselves and your kids are kind of dicks (only because they're teenagers and then they come back again) and voila! You reconnect and have a successful long term marriage.

That's literally how it works. I should probably write a book....😂

Between my kids and anyone else in the world... My kids every goddamn time. No contest at all.

This is so true. There are examples all around where parents have stopped loving their children. The unconditional love is when they are dependent. None of us like to think they will test it as an adult to an extent it reaches where the conditions of our love are, but the limit is there somewhere for all of us. For some parents it's not that far.
When someone's child commits heinous crimes the parents usually refer back to a time when the child was dependent, sweet picture as a 4 year old or a Christmas play as an 8 year old. No mention of the fire they started as a 16 year old or the cat they burnt when 12. So unconditional love can be quite dangerous for a child.
All love comes with conditions, it's just with our children the conditions are far removed than those with a partner.

This is absolutely normal and absolutely healthy. It means you have bonded very well with your child, which is what we are supposed to do. All of this is supposed to happen. You are doing well. Don't torture yourself for the good things.

To make it clearer, you are supposed to love your baby more than the man in your life. This is normal, healthy, desirable.

TBH it was having kids and actually experiencing that unconditional love and emotional warmth with them that made me realise that my relationship with their dad wasn't quite right. I realised we were fond of each other but neither of us loved each other. Or if we did we were not capable of demonstrating that to the other.

I experienced the opposite follow. Always knew Dh an amazing person but seeing him as a dad is very special. He’s brilliant with them even when it’s not easy. When they are teens you need to stick together and support each other as they pull away and assert themselves which is as it should be but you realise the value of the relationship.

I took it as previous poster thought the OP was stating the blindingly obvious.

I don’t have children and guess what it is still not hard to understand that a parent will love their child more than their spouse. It was also a strange comment about loving a partner unconditionally, love for a partner is supposed to be conditional.

I love my kids endlessly without limits nothing there is nothing they can do do stop me loving them…cant say the same about the love i have for my huaband tho there are things he can do to stop that love in an instant lol

I love my son so much. Couldn't be without him 🥺

Of course you do ! That is the normal way to feel. Partners / husbands are in your life temporarily - children are there for their whole lives.

It's different for me as I'm not married. But I know I will never love a partner as much as I do my DS. I just don't get attached to men that way.

I find it really weird when people spend time thinking about who they love more.

My life wouldn’t be as happy without everyone I love being in it. No need for a competition.

Love this post.

Think it sums it up perfectly.

For many people (say, my parents), the spouse has shared their day to day life for far longer than their children. I think it's pretty disfunctional to have the expectation that your child will share your everyday life longer than your partner actually. And possibly risks you not wanting/ not facilitating your child to become fully independent.

Personally I can't compare the love I have for my children to the love I have for my partner, both are vast but they're very different. But I'm aware that the children are on loan in some sense. One day they'll need to go and make their own way in the world. I don't mean of course that I won't see them or love them or be involved in their lives when they're adults, but that it will be a different intensity of relationship.

Unconditional love for a partner can get you beaten up, broken down, feeling absolutely worthless. It definitely shouldn't be unconditional.

Totally OP. I now understand love songs!