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Original poster

I seem to have backed myself in to a corner...

416 replies

largeginandtonic · 26/02/2008 10:32

I am collecting my friends ds for her from school every day and on a Friday every other week he stays for tea until 630-7. She has asked me to keep him overnight, i have made excuses so far.

She is a child minder and has taken on a little girl that goes to another school to her ds. This means she is not able to do 2 school runs at once. The situation should be temporary as the little girl is on a waiting list for the same school as her ds attends.

I collect my ds and her's at the same time, 3pm. I then sit in my car with them (and my 2 younger children age 3 and 9 months) and wait for the twins to come out from the junior school. I get home the children shoot upstairs with a snack (starving after school) and play\fight\drive me insane.

She arrives about 445ish, i then have to invite her in and chat while i am busy doing lunchboxes etc... and she yells for her ds to get his shoes on, pick his stuff up.

The Friday situation is because she drives over to Surrey to take her mum and Nan shopping. Neither can drive and her Nan is quite poorly.

This has been going on since the children went back to school after Xmas. She mentioned at the time we started this that she would pay me, particularly for the Friday. It has never been mentioned again.

I know he is not in the house for a long time and i do the run anyway but i am just a bit miffed that she is getting paid to have this little girl and i have her ds for nothing.

It is becoming an issue as my dh really does not like the situation at all. He is not really fond of her ds as he causes extra fights between the children and a HUGE issue for us is he does not eat! We always try to plan tea time to be very child friendly if we have him, chicken nuggets, chips and veg. Mine think it is Xmas as we are so careful with their diet food like that is treat. We also always make sure the children eat everything on their plate before pudding. He never does and moans as soon as he sits down at the table Pushing his food around and looking like we are torturing him.

He is never happy to be picked up after school and clearly dislikes the way we parent.

I would have to stand next to her everyday at school, i see her most mornings too.

What have i done!!! How do i change it? DH is threatening to speak to her as he is so annoyed with it all. Gah!

Apologies for length of whinge

OP posts:
oranges · 26/02/2008 10:34

I don't think her problems with childcare and shopping are yours tbh so you just need to say calmly, that you can't have her ds on Fridays anymore as you have other plans, and leave it at that. Every week since Christmas is a bit much.

trixymalixy · 26/02/2008 10:36

I would ask her if you could have a word about the situation and say it is all getting a bit much for you.

StealthPolarBear · 26/02/2008 10:37

and while it does carry on don't change your meal routine for her DS (unless he has allergies eg) - your house, your food!

Chloe55 · 26/02/2008 10:38

Can you not fob the blame off on your dh (as he won't have to see her all the time) and just explain to her that your dh is not happy with the situation as he thinks that it is affecting the way your kids are behaving, that it is not giving you time to get other things done etc etc?

She is being unreasonable expecting you to do all that for no pay/exchanged favour. The more you continue to do it the more you will resent her and her child for it.

Hope you can get it sorted out, be strong.

dustystar · 26/02/2008 10:39

You really need to have a chat with her about how you are feeling. Perhaps you could start by saying that the children are seeing too much of each other and are arguing constantly as a result and that this is extremely stressful for you and your dh.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 26/02/2008 10:39

i hate confrontation. I just know she would say ok i will collect ds etc but then she would have to give up looking after this girl and it would be all my fault. Oh balrdy hell. I would have to stand next to her every day and feel terrible, she may be quite nasty too have seen her attitude towards others before.

OP posts:
dustystar · 26/02/2008 10:40

Why does she not arrive until 4.45 if the girl she collects finishes at the same time as her ds ?

shouldhecomplain · 26/02/2008 10:41

I can see why you need the large G&T.

You need to be assertive here - decide what you want the outcome to be (e.g not doing it at all; doing it some of of the time, with the payment she promised - whatever it is).

Then take her aside, preferably with no children in earshot and say something like: "I'd like to discuss the arrangments for picking up ds. We agreed it was a temporary measure, and you mentioned you'd pay me for it." Then state what you'd like the outcome to be and stick to your guns.

If she comes back with excuses, you need to acknowledge her difficulties but don't take ownership of them. Something like: "Yes, I can see it's difficult for you, however I'm afraid I'll have to say no to that" (It's important to use the word "no".

You don't need to make excuses - she's taking advantage of you.

The main thing is to decide what you and dh think is reasonable, and stick to your guns - you can still be polite and friendly, but you don't have to be a doormat.

Hth

jellies · 26/02/2008 10:41

She is being paid for you to run about after her DC while she looks after someone elses..
You need to just politly say your children are starting swimming lessons on a friday so in 2 weeks she'll need to find alternative care.
Or just say you love having him but it might be time to dicuss child care costs as you are feeding him and staying at home fridays after school to look after him?
Good luck it is tricky but its making you unhappy

RedJools · 26/02/2008 10:41

Could you ask if she could take your ds for you another afternoon, on some pretext or other? Maybe if she has to deal with it, she will realise how much of an inconvenience it is, and if she doesn't, at least you will have some extra time, and one less mouth to feed that day!

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 26/02/2008 10:42

DH has said i can blame it all on him, he has no problem with it. He would talk to her too, i just feel that might aggravate things more.

I am begining to resent them too you are right

OP posts:
saltire · 26/02/2008 10:43

I was just going to ask teh same question dusty - if the mindee she collects finishes at the same time as her DS then why does she not then come round to yours and pick him up once she has collected mindee

dustystar · 26/02/2008 10:44

Are the 2 schools far apart? My ds and dd are at different schools that finish the same time so a friend collects dd for me most days. I collect dd and then drive stright to friends house to collect dd. I am usually there first as she lives really close to ds school.

AMumInScotland · 26/02/2008 10:46

So, she's getting paid as a childminder for the other girl, and you are having to mind her child for free, every day after school, into the evening on alternate Fridays, and now she's asking if he can stay overnight?!

That's getting way beyond doing her a favour .

Personally, I'd be asking her to make other arrangements, unless there's a clear end-date in sight. I'd also have him standing by the front door with his shoes on and stuff collected by the time she arrives to collect him, and make him obey the same food rules as your own. It sounds like this arrangement is causing you a major inconvenience, and you need it to stop.

CrushWithEyeliner · 26/02/2008 10:46

She is taking the pi** out of you. You need to stand firm on this one - life is tough enough without taking on someone else's woes and she doesn't seen thankful to you? Rude. She should feel embarrassed to stand next to YOU. Stand your ground and if she does turn nasty, well you are well rid..

kayzisbroody · 26/02/2008 10:46

Hey LG&T, You should talk to her and say that you can't have her ds anymore. If it is causing problems for you and your dh.

You don't need the added stress.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 26/02/2008 10:47

She is quite needy as far as friends go and would quite happily see me every day all day. I managed to curb that as i really dont get on with her that well (new area and just making friends) and we share such different parenting views.

We have absolutely no money to do extra activities like swimming and she knows we dont go out at all. I had dh and the baby poorly with chicken pox and i was still picking up her ds from school and bringing him back here. I said i could not do the Friday night that week and she made a whole spiel up on the phone about how she had organised someone else to do it as she knew i couldnt manage like she was doing me a favour!

Oh bugger.

OP posts:
chopchopbusybusy · 26/02/2008 10:47

Good advice from shouldhecomplain. She is taking advantage of you. It is a difficult situation but you do need to confront it otherwise she will assume you are happy for it to continue. As for her wanting you to have her DS overnight - don't make excuses just say no it's not something you want to do.

PotPourri · 26/02/2008 10:49

You need to sort it, or you will blow up one day in her face! Do it now. I am reading your message thinking the following (correct me if I am kwrong). You collect ds and this other child and then sit in the car with the 3 kids waiting til school gets out for your older twins?? And in the meantime she is collecting a mindee at another school - clashign with her own DS collection time? So there is a gap where you are waiting in the car 5-30 minutes for the twins?

If that is right, then Say 'Listen, about collecting your DS. It's a real struggle for me, I'm knackered what with my 4 and all. I was thinking, since we sit in the car waiting for the twins anyway, could you come and collect him there once you have collected ....little girl....?'

And if she turns nasty, then that is her perogative. Her throwing her toys out should not be a reason to give her her way - who is the child again??? LOL Remember, YOU are not a childminder, and this is not your child either. So it is a favour, and favours are supposed to be irregular.

And - under no circumstances take him overnight. Don't make excuses, it's just - no sorry.

She sounds like a piss taker to me.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 26/02/2008 10:49

She has to drive to the school to get the child and park, unload her 2 children and another girl she childminds. It takes her that long to do all that i presume.

I have to drive to school too as my local schools had no spaces available for mine. We are all on waiting lists too, dd has recently got in but the other 3 are still waiting.

OP posts:
NatalieJane · 26/02/2008 10:50

Blardy hell!!

Everyone has already said all the advice there is to say really, doesn't make the chat any easier to do though does it?

Would you be willing to do it if she did pay you?

Kewcumber · 26/02/2008 10:51

would it too inconvenient for you to pick he DS up from school and immediately drive over and drop her DS off with her? Just say it is being too inconvenient to have him all the time, say you will only charge her a token amount for the petrol.

dustystar · 26/02/2008 10:51

I can't understand how on earth it takes her that long. Does she come straight to you after collecting the girl?

kayzisbroody · 26/02/2008 10:52

Hey maybe she is getting you ready for life with 7 kids LG&T.

TillyScoutsmum · 26/02/2008 10:53

Hi LG&T

She's clearly taking the p*ss. Do you have any mutual friends who could perhaps drop it into conversation with her ? In a jokey sort of "bloody hell, you get paid to cm and then palm one of your dc's off for free" type way ?

I feel for you - I hate confrontation as well

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