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Original poster

I seem to have backed myself in to a corner...

416 replies

largeginandtonic · 26/02/2008 10:32

I am collecting my friends ds for her from school every day and on a Friday every other week he stays for tea until 630-7. She has asked me to keep him overnight, i have made excuses so far.

She is a child minder and has taken on a little girl that goes to another school to her ds. This means she is not able to do 2 school runs at once. The situation should be temporary as the little girl is on a waiting list for the same school as her ds attends.

I collect my ds and her's at the same time, 3pm. I then sit in my car with them (and my 2 younger children age 3 and 9 months) and wait for the twins to come out from the junior school. I get home the children shoot upstairs with a snack (starving after school) and play\fight\drive me insane.

She arrives about 445ish, i then have to invite her in and chat while i am busy doing lunchboxes etc... and she yells for her ds to get his shoes on, pick his stuff up.

The Friday situation is because she drives over to Surrey to take her mum and Nan shopping. Neither can drive and her Nan is quite poorly.

This has been going on since the children went back to school after Xmas. She mentioned at the time we started this that she would pay me, particularly for the Friday. It has never been mentioned again.

I know he is not in the house for a long time and i do the run anyway but i am just a bit miffed that she is getting paid to have this little girl and i have her ds for nothing.

It is becoming an issue as my dh really does not like the situation at all. He is not really fond of her ds as he causes extra fights between the children and a HUGE issue for us is he does not eat! We always try to plan tea time to be very child friendly if we have him, chicken nuggets, chips and veg. Mine think it is Xmas as we are so careful with their diet food like that is treat. We also always make sure the children eat everything on their plate before pudding. He never does and moans as soon as he sits down at the table Pushing his food around and looking like we are torturing him.

He is never happy to be picked up after school and clearly dislikes the way we parent.

I would have to stand next to her everyday at school, i see her most mornings too.

What have i done!!! How do i change it? DH is threatening to speak to her as he is so annoyed with it all. Gah!

Apologies for length of whinge

OP posts:
littlepinkpixie · 26/02/2008 14:47

Good luck, be brave!

Twiglett · 26/02/2008 14:48

I agree that you should definitely stick to your gubs .. definitely

Kewcumber · 26/02/2008 15:20

sticking to your gubs can be quite painful, but a bit af talcum powder generally sorts it out.

Threadworm · 26/02/2008 15:25

I have sorted out my sticky gubs now. In G&T's case the stickiness was due to an excess of the milk of human kindness.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 26/02/2008 16:39

PMSL....

I chickened out well knid of, i had to hang around for the twins toay as they have science club so i asked her to meet in the car park. She stood by the door to the car and chatted for about 10 mins (child minded children in her car alone ) anyhooo i pressesd for some kind of date that the little girl would move school, she said she had spoken to the Dad and he said maybe after Easter.

She also (magnanamously ) explained that she had said to the Dad i was doing the pick up of her ds and it was not very convenient for me sometimes.

Oh ffs. I am useless, Jane where were you?? It has served a purpose i suppose as i think tomorrow i will say that dh and i had a chat\argument last night over the open ended time scale and explain that i cannot do it anymore for reasons i would rather not go in to. She has no where to go with that does she?

If she pushes me i will list the reasons on here

What do you think? Im rubbish arent i? You are all going to crucify me...

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 26/02/2008 16:42

No, you're not rubbish, you're human !

At least you have started the ball rolling and given her an indication that you're not happy.

Like you said, tell her tomorrow that you can;t do it any more (say dh is giving you grief)

Bloody hell you can't carry on doing it until after the Easter hols, that's ages away.

well done for saying something

AMumInScotland · 26/02/2008 16:47

That gives you a great intro to speaking to her tomorrow - you've passed on to dh what she had said, and discussed it with him, and come to the conclusion that you can't carry on in this way. You will therefore have to stop, but will carry on for a week/ 2 weeks to give her time to sort out other arrangements.

No problem!

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 26/02/2008 16:49

Thanks Getorf, i do feel like i wimped out but also feel like i have a little ammunition now.

Why cant i be a hard ass? > i dont even like typing that!

I am pretty sure if the kids read this they would all be wondering round with the look on each and every one of their faces Mommy not a hard ass, i dont think so.

OP posts:
oranges · 26/02/2008 16:49

Don't give reasons!! Just say it's not possible after this week, and walk away!

kitbit · 26/02/2008 17:01

Whatever you do don't try and soften the message in order to pacify her by offering something else instead, as given an inch she will take a mile and you will be lumbered with making her ds's lunchbox every day until he's 15 or something! It can be tempting to try and compromise but this isn¡t about compromise, it's about extricating yourself from a situation you don't like. You don't NEED to offer anything.
You've set the scene now, all you have to do is follow it through. You've been brave to say what you did today, don't lose the ground you've just gained!!!
Good luck!!

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 26/02/2008 17:03
OP posts:
hifi · 26/02/2008 17:09

my sister only has 4 kids, she is constantly put on, people think because she has lots of children herself, and copes very well, that she loves it and doesnt mind evevryone elses.
little do they know.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 26/02/2008 17:12

That is is a bit Hifi, people assume beacuse i have lots of my own and still want more that inclused all of their dc too. Of course you cant lock other peoples children in cupboards can you?

OP posts:
kerala · 26/02/2008 17:18

Dont beat yourself up for not speaking out. It is outrageous she has even put you in this position.

dizzydixies · 26/02/2008 17:23

ok, its a start, you're one step further on than you were this morning, unless she is a complete muppet she must know its coming otherwise why mention what she said to the dad.

go back and reread kitbit's post as she is SPOT ON - do NOT offer her an alternative of you'll end up not picking him up from school but keeping him overnight or something

if you had a shorter name we could chant - how about just

G&T G&T G&T G&T?!?!?!?

well done on today, baby steps can only get bigger and better tomorrow

bellavita · 26/02/2008 17:23

Well done LG&T - to me you have done the hard bit by broaching the subject with her.

Tomorrow will be much easier.

JaneHH · 26/02/2008 17:39

Hey well done LG&T for getting this far already - I would have wimped out till next week at least

I am sorry I couldn't be there (and wasn't here after posting earlier - had to go and do other stuff, sorry) but yoooou dooooo noooot neeeeeeed meeee She knows it's coming so seize the day, strike while the iron's hot etc etc It's going to be so much easier to flatten her nicely while it's hot.

Just thought, do you think she's read this thread and thought shit that's me LOL LOL LOL LOL oh the power of mumsnet

Good luck tomorrow! (Can't be on MN this evening either but will be sending some stern, don't mess with me vibes your way )

juliewoolie · 26/02/2008 19:59

LG&T stand strong my lovely. Just remember you have been doing her a favour and now it stops. We will all be standing behind you in cyber world.

If it all goes tits up I like kewcumbers idea.

mom2latinoboys · 26/02/2008 20:23

LG&T give her a bill. Think about the costs of wasted food, gas and time and give her an itemized bill of what she owes you. Tell her if she doesn't pay you for what you have done you will not offer your services in the future. Ask her how she would feel if her mindee's father didn't pay her for the work she does.

If that doesn't work, just punch her in the face.

TracyK · 26/02/2008 20:23

and if she tries to get some other deal out of you - play for time and say you'll have to double check with dh - then you won't feel guilted into offering another deal.

kitbit · 26/02/2008 20:28

if you feel you are being backed into a corner or losing control of the conversation use the "repeat" technique - simply say the same thing over and over to buy yourself time and keep yourself on safe ground, such as "sorry but I really don't think it's working". Just keep saying it in response to any suggestions she has for alternative arrangements that you don't like the sound of. It's non confrontational but is a great technique for getting someone who doesn't want to, to see your point.
DON'T use something like "maybe we could find another solution" as that's a step towards compromise!

kitbit · 26/02/2008 20:29

...also meant to say that this technique buys you time while you gather your thoughts instead of blurting out something you don't mean in order to not be rude by keeping quiet!

mom2latinoboys · 26/02/2008 20:35

Oh and if she doesn't want to pay you ask her if she'll watch your six while you go shopping on a Friday. You opened your home to her ds shouldn't she open hers for yours.

welshdeb · 26/02/2008 21:37

He is her son, her responsibility, She is a child minder its her job. I couldn't work if I did not arrange my child care and so should she.
She should never had taken on this mindee if it meant she wasn't able to pick up her own son.
She should not be relying on favours etc to sort her childcare while she is earning money and almost certainly, being a childminder she knows it.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 27/02/2008 07:19

I LOVE you lot

OP posts: