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Original poster

I seem to have backed myself in to a corner...

416 replies

largeginandtonic · 26/02/2008 10:32

I am collecting my friends ds for her from school every day and on a Friday every other week he stays for tea until 630-7. She has asked me to keep him overnight, i have made excuses so far.

She is a child minder and has taken on a little girl that goes to another school to her ds. This means she is not able to do 2 school runs at once. The situation should be temporary as the little girl is on a waiting list for the same school as her ds attends.

I collect my ds and her's at the same time, 3pm. I then sit in my car with them (and my 2 younger children age 3 and 9 months) and wait for the twins to come out from the junior school. I get home the children shoot upstairs with a snack (starving after school) and play\fight\drive me insane.

She arrives about 445ish, i then have to invite her in and chat while i am busy doing lunchboxes etc... and she yells for her ds to get his shoes on, pick his stuff up.

The Friday situation is because she drives over to Surrey to take her mum and Nan shopping. Neither can drive and her Nan is quite poorly.

This has been going on since the children went back to school after Xmas. She mentioned at the time we started this that she would pay me, particularly for the Friday. It has never been mentioned again.

I know he is not in the house for a long time and i do the run anyway but i am just a bit miffed that she is getting paid to have this little girl and i have her ds for nothing.

It is becoming an issue as my dh really does not like the situation at all. He is not really fond of her ds as he causes extra fights between the children and a HUGE issue for us is he does not eat! We always try to plan tea time to be very child friendly if we have him, chicken nuggets, chips and veg. Mine think it is Xmas as we are so careful with their diet food like that is treat. We also always make sure the children eat everything on their plate before pudding. He never does and moans as soon as he sits down at the table Pushing his food around and looking like we are torturing him.

He is never happy to be picked up after school and clearly dislikes the way we parent.

I would have to stand next to her everyday at school, i see her most mornings too.

What have i done!!! How do i change it? DH is threatening to speak to her as he is so annoyed with it all. Gah!

Apologies for length of whinge

OP posts:
Original poster
largeginandtonic · 26/02/2008 12:08

Poor you Dixie! What a nightmare situation to be in. I think when ds moves school it will be a case of sever all ties.

Argh! It is like being back in the playground sometimes!

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 26/02/2008 12:10

I have unfortunatly reaslised recently too that all that nonsense does not stop when leaving school either!

at least your kids don't sound too fond of him either so its not as if you need to keep in touch for that reason?

estar · 26/02/2008 13:24

Wow, LG&T

As everyone else has said, you are amazing to take this on with everything else you have. I am with you on the confrontation thing - hate it, hate it, hate it. I would make up some excuse rather than say it outright (maybe something like you have to rearrange your evening structure because your kids need more focus on their reading/writing but you can't do it with an extra there too) but I agree that it can't carry on.

This woman seems strange - if a friend were doing a long term favour for me I would constantly be checking that it was okay rather than just assuming. I don't think she's merely ignoring your situation, I think she's using it - "That barmy woman's got so many kids, she obviously likes it and one more won't hurt" She needs to know that another child can tip the balance a lot. I've had friends come to play who have picked on one of the younger ones, or turned their nose up at tea or keep badgering me with stupid questions - you don't mind it once in a while, but every day? That's so hard!

As for the standing next to her everyday thing -
a) if everyone knows she can be a bit of an arse, it'll be a great way to make other friends via solidarity if she is upset
b) if she's daft enough to take the huff, then she'll avoid you, so no problem
c) no matter what happens, you can carry on being extra nice to her, so people realise how great you are
d) if she tries to bad mouth you with the other mums, there isn't a single other one that would listen - everyone can see how busy you are and no sane person would judge you for it!

cameroonmama · 26/02/2008 13:46

LG&T you are just too nice (which of course we all knew) - you need to learn to say no more often. Give her a deadlien and blame it all on dh, he won't mind. Didn't all the pox business put her off?

littlepinkpixie · 26/02/2008 13:56

You are doing this every day? It really sounds like you are being used. She probably knows very well that she is using you, and is probably just waiting to see how long she can get away with it.
You are clearly far too nice!

PS I had a look at your profile pictures too- your children are beautiful

scanner · 26/02/2008 14:01

I totally agree with what everyone has said and would probably do the same and blame it on dh, but you have a whole host of reasons for why it's not working.

  • dh not happy
  • dc's don't always get along and feel that they don't get quality time with you.
  • her ds isn't happy
  • your freedom is tied by this obligation
  • you are not being paid
  • you are out of pocket because her ds is eating with you regualy (or not)
  • meal times are difficult because her ds and your dc's like different foods.
  • she's not v grateful
  • she's not reciprocating in any way.

I feel quite cross for you. I'd tell her it has to stop.

Kewcumber · 26/02/2008 14:03

Could you just print out this thread give it to her then leg it?

RubyRioja · 26/02/2008 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

captainmummy · 26/02/2008 14:18

LG&T -she is totally taking the p*ss. Tell her you can't do fridays, but are happy to pick up on other days. Then she can hardly cut you off/be nasty to you. If you have to feed him,. do what youwould do for your own dc, - if he doesn't eat that is not your prob, but hers. In fact if he tells her that your meals are crapola, maybe she will find someone else who can cater for him?

cheeset · 26/02/2008 14:20

Large, you sound really nice and an obviously 'giving' person BUT there are 'takers' out there, she sounds one of them.

Hope you get it sorted, do you think she'd do the same for you?

cheeset · 26/02/2008 14:23

PS, you have your own children to care for, alot of stress when other kids are around especially with the winging, it can put you off the kid visiting? That's not nice for the kid no?

northshield · 26/02/2008 14:25

It sounds like she's using you as an unpaid childminder while she expects to be paid for doing the same thing. That is taking the p**s. You and mrssnape of the car thread ( can't do links very well - perhaps someone can put it for you) need to get together to support each other and say NO.

bellavita · 26/02/2008 14:26

Your children are gorgeous and looking at your profile, I now know what a yummy mummy looks like.

She is taking the p!!ss. Please don't put up with it.

BeMyV · 26/02/2008 14:27

Gosh LG&T we would get on really well.
I asked my friend (our dcs are in the same class) last Sept if she could pick up my dd from school and keep her till 6 on a Tuesday whilst I took the older (disabled) dc to his riding lesson. She was happy to do so. I bought her a bottle of wine a week for this, which she didn't want but I insisted on giving.
However, due to traffic we began not getting back from riding until 6.10-6.15. My friend insisted this was not a problem ("it's not like your off having your nails done BeMy").
But I felt so guilty at infringing upon her family's time together, I made alternative arrangements for after Xmas. I just felt very badly about it.
Why is it that some people can go through life never thinking about others and taking the p* out of others' goodwill.

JaneHH · 26/02/2008 14:27

LG&T I so sympathise (I hate confrontation too). However, I'm now going to give you another outsider's view (always easy to spout advice if you're not in the situation yourself I know ).

Everyone's given some really, really good reasons why you shouldn't accept this anymore. Can you think of ONE reason why you should? (I can't!)

However: my advice would be not to give any reason at all when you talk to this user woman. You just say you can't do it anymore. And then stop talking. Don't try and fill the silence, let HER do that with some good apologies and - most importantly - acceptance of the fact that you're not going to do it anymore. You really WILL dig yourself into a hole if you start giving reasons, as she will try and pick holes in them. If you just you "can't" then that's that, she has absolutely no hold on the conversation. Easier said than done, but can you perhaps practise with your DH beforehand? Get him to play the witch woman in question as lavishly as possible and practise your replies! Try and enjoy that then you'll be a lot more comfortable when it comes to the real thing.

Good luck and remember you OWE HER NOTHING. She can @#($&@#($&@#($&@#($& off as far as you're concerned!!!

Come back and tell us how it went :-)

bellavita · 26/02/2008 14:31

Well put Jane

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 26/02/2008 14:33

Aw thanks guys, you are all so helpful and reasurring.

Kewcumber i lika your style... !

Think i will say

sorry but dh has said the arrangement we have is too much, he has noticed that your ds is not happy on Friday when he comes over as meal times seem to be a bit of a battle and it upsets the other dc too.

Friday is also the first day of the weekend and soon he will be away all week returning on a Friday and does not want another child in the house. (very true)

Dh has also mentioned that i am am picking him up from school every day so you can earn extra money looking after another child, this is not fair.

He is grumpy (well he is ) and said i should not have agreed to it in the first place.

So i am sorry but i will pick him up for next week but that will be it.

I will then run as fast as i can and hide, cringing all the way

Farckin school run now The twins have science club today so i will be hanging round with them all in the car until 4. Oh the joy.

Thank you everyone and wish me luck. I promise to post back all the cringe worthy details.

OP posts:
LilRedWG · 26/02/2008 14:34

I pick my neice up from nursery on a morning once a week (about a 30 minute drive away) and have her for the rest of the day.

A few weeks ago I had a rotton cold and was feeling very rough. My SIL (DN's mum) said, "If that's not gone by Tuesday you should go to the doctor. Oh, you can't, you have DN that day! Oh well!"

Threadworm · 26/02/2008 14:36

I've just read the thread and I agree with all the others that you have been kind way over and above the call of duty. Stick to your gubs and don't feel bad about having to say no to this woman.

Threadworm · 26/02/2008 14:37

That would be guns not gubs

LilRedWG · 26/02/2008 14:37

LargeG&T - definitely put this woman on notice. Your sanity and your children's happiness has to come first!

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 26/02/2008 14:38

Ah bemy i would feel like that too, i hate asking people for anything! If she paid me in gin wine i may happier about it

Jane please can you come with me? Pretty please, i will bake you cake and everything.

Also PMSL at yummy mummy, i look like a scarecrow today No time for straightners...

OP posts:
TracyK · 26/02/2008 14:39

I agree with Jane. If you start giving excuses - she will seize on this and give counter arguements. You will be bullied into saying - oh well - I spose I could do it for a litle longer......

I'd get my mobile ready to ring in my pocket (the choose ring tone option), say in an assertive voice - sorry Mrs X - something has come up and I can't look after x after the 13th March - really sorry - oops thats my phone ringing - must take this call - catch up later!!

bellavita · 26/02/2008 14:43

Let us know how you get on.

edam · 26/02/2008 14:44

agree, you are too nice, you are being taken advantage of and you need to use dh's offer of taking the blame!