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Original poster

I seem to have backed myself in to a corner...

416 replies

largeginandtonic · 26/02/2008 10:32

I am collecting my friends ds for her from school every day and on a Friday every other week he stays for tea until 630-7. She has asked me to keep him overnight, i have made excuses so far.

She is a child minder and has taken on a little girl that goes to another school to her ds. This means she is not able to do 2 school runs at once. The situation should be temporary as the little girl is on a waiting list for the same school as her ds attends.

I collect my ds and her's at the same time, 3pm. I then sit in my car with them (and my 2 younger children age 3 and 9 months) and wait for the twins to come out from the junior school. I get home the children shoot upstairs with a snack (starving after school) and play\fight\drive me insane.

She arrives about 445ish, i then have to invite her in and chat while i am busy doing lunchboxes etc... and she yells for her ds to get his shoes on, pick his stuff up.

The Friday situation is because she drives over to Surrey to take her mum and Nan shopping. Neither can drive and her Nan is quite poorly.

This has been going on since the children went back to school after Xmas. She mentioned at the time we started this that she would pay me, particularly for the Friday. It has never been mentioned again.

I know he is not in the house for a long time and i do the run anyway but i am just a bit miffed that she is getting paid to have this little girl and i have her ds for nothing.

It is becoming an issue as my dh really does not like the situation at all. He is not really fond of her ds as he causes extra fights between the children and a HUGE issue for us is he does not eat! We always try to plan tea time to be very child friendly if we have him, chicken nuggets, chips and veg. Mine think it is Xmas as we are so careful with their diet food like that is treat. We also always make sure the children eat everything on their plate before pudding. He never does and moans as soon as he sits down at the table Pushing his food around and looking like we are torturing him.

He is never happy to be picked up after school and clearly dislikes the way we parent.

I would have to stand next to her everyday at school, i see her most mornings too.

What have i done!!! How do i change it? DH is threatening to speak to her as he is so annoyed with it all. Gah!

Apologies for length of whinge

OP posts:
Original poster
largeginandtonic · 27/02/2008 10:06

Germany?! Bugger. Is your dh Army?

OP posts:
shabster · 27/02/2008 10:07

I can easily shout from here - sunny Lancashire

I'm doing a practice run now G & T -

first you have to cup your hand around your mouth like Peter Kay does - not sure why

LEAVE MY FRIEND ALONE - SHE HAS MILLIONS OF CHILDREN AND SHE CANT LOOK AFTER YOURS ANYMORE see about the hand - how loud does one hand make it

finknottle · 27/02/2008 10:08

No, he's German.
Shall we 'walk through' the conversation you will have with her later?
Helps to rehearse..

Kewcumber · 27/02/2008 10:11

Yes LG&T my sister has a house in Seaview though we probably won;t get over much this year, we were there quite a lot last year. It's so great for kids. Very unreasonably other people are using the house in the time I have off this year so likely be a caravan in Rye instead. Too far for you to come and admire his tantrums loveliness.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 27/02/2008 10:12

Right here goes

Now i have something to tell you, i cannot look after your ds after school anymore.

I am sorry but it is just causing too many arguments at home. I would rather not go in to the details.

I can look after him for you next week but after that you will have to make alternate arrangements.

What do you think? Should i make it more clear about not doing the Friday thing too?

OP posts:
finknottle · 27/02/2008 10:14

Rule no.1: No apologizing. You have nothing to apologize for.
Rule no.2: short assertive statements.
Rule no.3: repeat " as necessary.

Look, this arrangement isn't working out.

I don't mind helping in an emergency but this has gone on long enough.

It's too much having (ds) every day and especially on Fridays.

I don't think he enjoys it, he doesn't seem happy with the whole thing either.

We'd like to have the afternoons and Fridays to ourselves again.

If she comes in with any comments, add:

Dh will soon be working away from home all week and this can't go on.

You'll have to make alternative arrangements.

It's just not working.

It's too much.
__
That do?
Comments?

shabster · 27/02/2008 10:15

G and T - Bravo, encore, umpah, yamas

You were amazing - definitly bit more about the Friday though

hand around mouth - G AND T ROCKS AND SHE IS GOING TO WIN THIS ONE - YOU STUPID INSENSITIVE WOMAN

knackered now after all that shouting

finknottle · 27/02/2008 10:17

Wouldn't mention arguments at home. That clouds it. Also opens way for her to tweak the arrangements to iron out difficulties.

shabster · 27/02/2008 10:19

finknottle - You are scaring me now - remind me never to have an argument with you.

My SIL (now sadly divorced from my BIL) lives in Paderborn. She is wonderful - we have similar sense of humour. She, obviously, is German and my BIL was in the Queens Lancashire Regiment.

Now - stop frightening me - please

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 27/02/2008 10:20

Noted Fink, it does sound a bit weak now i read it back. I was portioning blame on dh as i am a wuss. Must try to be stonger.

I am sure i used to be better when i worked, being at home for 10 years has dulled my assertive streak. How do you get it back?

OP posts:
finknottle · 27/02/2008 10:22

I'm not scary, am I?
Just assertive
Prob learnt the hard way by being weedy and ineffectual for years.
The only thing shrinking violets do is shrink, someone once said.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 27/02/2008 10:22

My sil is German too! She was lovely, my db met her in Germany (he is Army) sadly the are divorced now. I had a fantastic New Year in Berlin with them one year. The Blue Church was so lovely, i took photos and they were rubbish, i was so upset.

OP posts:
shabster · 27/02/2008 10:25

Please tell me that her name is not Manuela? You have me worried now - think my FIL might have had a bike - although where you live is a long way from Bolton!!

We always suspected FIL was a little devil!!

duchesse · 27/02/2008 10:25

I'm sorry but I think she is taking advantage of you. You must cease this all-too-convenient (for her) arrangement forthwith, and she will have to make sensible arrangements for her son.

finknottle · 27/02/2008 10:25

Easier to give advice from the outside.

Believe me once you start, it's much easier to keep going.

Have a G & T on standby in the fridge for when she's gone.

I often try & envisage the "after", the outcome. Picture how wonderful you'll feel once it's over. You will have your life back. How great will that be?

Blueskythinker · 27/02/2008 10:26

Maybe a G&T for dutch courage! Helps to leave the bottle in full view!

WallOfSilence · 27/02/2008 10:27

My goodness.

She's taking fuckin' liberties!

Do you have her number?

Call her & dump her on the phone!

Say you are bloody exhausted & have enough to do with your own without adding her son to the equation! She has a brass neck on her! Putting paid work before her own son!!

finknottle · 27/02/2008 10:30

I'll check this thread later but before I push off please think of me... last time I helped someone on MN (my first time on a support thread) it turned out to be a troll. You don't want me to get a complex about advising people do ya?

snorkle · 27/02/2008 10:31

you have to end this arrangement. Is it even legal or should you be a registered childminder? I know that money doesn't need to change hands to need to be registered. I'm not critiscising btw - just thinking that if someone here could confirm it wasn't legal you'd have a cast iron excuse.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 27/02/2008 10:33

I will not be a shrinking Violet
I will not be a shrinking Violet
I will not be a shrinking Violet

I am no troll either, met far too many people on here They can all testify to my chaotic household and useless weak nature

OP posts:
jellies · 27/02/2008 10:35

You can do it...
Impail her at the door... dont let her in and talk to her on the door step if she gets rude close the door!!!

jellies · 27/02/2008 10:37

OK what is a troll???
How do you knopw if someone is one?

kitbit · 27/02/2008 10:37

If you feel you need to apologise (us Brits often use the "sorry" word for every little thing so it's hard not to!) make sure you don't apologise for yourself. Instead say things like "I'm sorry that it's inconvenient but we do need to change the arrangements" or something similar. I think fink's point that in the middle of this her little boy isn't having a great time of it either is very valid and one of the strongest arguments, so definitely hit her with that one in addition to it not working for you. If she still fails to see the point, move to plan B:

If all else fails grin manically at her and announce "I've got new socks on and they're the same colour as my knickers". Never fails - she'll be smiling fixedly and backing away slowly within 30 seconds.

shabster · 27/02/2008 10:39

I can vouch for G&T not being a troll!

We may end up being related through this thread so I cant do anything but stick up for her and stand in her corner

shabster · 27/02/2008 10:39

kitbit - lmao at the socks and knickers thing - that was ace

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