Furious with DH

[CutiePatooties]

I’m absolutely furious! Not sure if I’m overreacting though…

DH questions EVERYTHING I do. I work Mon-Thurs, then I’m off on Fridays still trying to get work done, plus looking after our one year old. On a Saturday, I’m so exhausted that once I’ve made the girls breakfast and fed/changed baby, I sleep from around 9-12. This is the first thing he moans about- that he’s having to do everything for the baby and has to keep getting up all the time, but I tell him I have a WHOLE DAY with her on a Friday.

If I’m on my phone, he’s asking what I’m doing/who I’m talking to/if something’s wrong etc and it’s every single time. If I go off to another room, he’s asking what I’m up to. If I arrange to go out with a friend (I’ve been out once in 2 years) he gets the hump and says he doesn’t go out, so I tell him to go out and he says he doesn’t want to/has no friends/has no money.

We get a top up of UC and he’s looked on there and said, ‘you get this wage, these tax credits, child benefit and PIP. You should give me more money!’

I explained that I don’t have loads of money to spare - I give him £500, the childminder £500, I’m spending £130 a week on food/toiletries/nappies etc I pay for our eldest daughter’s after school clubs, trips, uniform, both children’s clothes and shoes etc. I pay for my phone, Netflix, any uk break we’ve had (only had 3, but I paid for them all!) anything extra they both need basically. DD has a school disco- I pay. Invited to a party- I buy the prezzie and card. Needs a new PE kit- I pay. Wants to start gymnastics- I pay. I showed him my bank account with £3.28 in it. I showed him my Very account that’s outstanding at £22 for a minimum payment I’ve missed. I also showed him my after school club account that’s outstanding with £10 to pay so these will have to be paid Monday with my £40 child benefit. The Very account I had to open to buy things for the girls’ birthdays and their clothes and after school club is for DD so child benefit gets spent ON THEM as it should do. I also mentioned my PIP is for me - for medication, counselling, taxis to get me to places as I’m too anxious to drive, to buy things to add to my mental health toolkit (I have a sensory and a calming bag) and for DBT books to help me manage my BPD. He called me selfish and said I should be giving him more money. Told me medication is about £10 and I don’t need the other stuff as he needs that money more.

I’ve shut myself in the bedroom as I don’t want to argue in front of the kids but I’m really angry/upset.

Am I right to be angry though?

Does he work?! Or is he just sponging of you op and making your life worse than it should be? Tell him to take a hike and don’t give him any money!

YANBU. Why are you iving him money, does he work?

Thinks he’s in charge of everything? Well he can be in charge of the baby / kids while you get much-needed rest.

Your marriage is doomed. Sorry, that's just the truth. Start making plans now. Save money, and focus on being completely independent, which shouldn't be hard because your husband is fucking useless.

Why are you giving him money? Is it for your half of bills / mortgage etc that he pays? He sounds awful. Sorry he’s so unsupportive.

I don’t understand why you’re giving him any money. Does he not work? Christ, what a massive turn off cock lodgery is.

Wtf. Chuck him and keep the 500, plus whatever child maintenance you get, Jesus christ.

He sounds controlling, selfish and greedy.
If it was just the money thing I might suggest a proper open conversation about family finances, and agreeing a better way to manage that , eg both paying into a household and kids expenses account proportional to income, from which all the bills, food, kids stuff etc comes out. But the stuff about him complaining about looking after his own DC, and demanding to know what your doing and resenting you spending time to yourself (and money on yourself too) isn’t healthy or normal

He sounds fucking horrible?? What's he paying for? What's he bringing to the table?

Who pays the bills?
Does he work? Full time?

TBH the expecting to go back to bed for three hours because you took care of your own child would probably do my head in. Every Saturday?
But that is because my Dh pulls his weight and we shared responsibility of dc when they were small and we both work equally as hard.

Frequently I read threads like this and can’t actually believe what I’m reading 🥺
please get rid of him, he sounds utterly dreadful, draining the life and soul out of you. This can’t be good for you and it’s definitely not good for the kids to grow up around.

He's not a good partner - he's abusing you

Yes, sorry, I should’ve said I give him the £500 for my half of bills/rent etc. He does work but earns less than I do and said the UC should go directly to him, not me. I told him I’m the main carer as I have the baby on Fridays and both girls through half terms/holidays so that’s why it comes to me. I also asked him where he thinks all the things the children have, come from? Or who pays for the food in his belly?

I said if it came directly to him, it would make no difference as we still need the things I’m buying, regardless of who pays. He just said I should give him my PIP money as I’m clearly getting too much (my bank account suggests otherwise!)

Have a look at what your financial situation would be without him. I think you might be surprised. For FFS don't let him become the main carer for the kids though

Fucking hell, op. Raise your standards and get rid of this absolute waster. Your marriage is a horrible example that's being set for your daughters.

Why are you living like this? He can’t bring anything to your life.

I would divorce him. He sounds greedy, lazy and horrible

@Arewehumanorarewecupboards i don’t go back to bed for 3 hours because I’ve looked after my own child. I work Mon-Thurs, start at 7.30 and finish at 9 ish most nights (marking books, planning, etc) I work on Fridays, but from home, with a one year old to tend to whilst I’m working.

I still have to get both kids bathed, dressed for bed, teeth brushed, read them a story and then get back to marking, planning etc which is why I always finish so late. It’s a combination of things that leave me exhausted - my point about my child was that if I have to ‘keep getting up’ all day that I’m sure he can manage 3 hours!

Tell him to piss off and he can have the divorce for free!

We have a separate account for bills. We both put in a certain amount to cover everything. I put in more as I earn more. Any money left over is yours to do what you please with. We’ve worked it out though so that we have a similar amount left over.

Either way he sounds like an arse.

Everything you’ve said about your marriage suggests it’s extremely dysfunctional. This is a terrible relationship.

Get rid of him op. He can manage his own life. You have enough to manage..

@PriamFarrl @Daffidale the idea of an open conversation and setting up an account for all expenses sounds like it would solve the arguments surrounding finances - thank you.

Sounds like you’re working and doing the lion share of the domestics. What role model is this setting for your dds? Why doesn’t he do the bedtimes if you’re still working in the evenings?

But it won't solve his shitty attitude towards you, why are you putting up with him?