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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious with DH

148 replies

CutiePatooties · 22/07/2023 18:39

I’m absolutely furious! Not sure if I’m overreacting though…

DH questions EVERYTHING I do. I work Mon-Thurs, then I’m off on Fridays still trying to get work done, plus looking after our one year old. On a Saturday, I’m so exhausted that once I’ve made the girls breakfast and fed/changed baby, I sleep from around 9-12. This is the first thing he moans about- that he’s having to do everything for the baby and has to keep getting up all the time, but I tell him I have a WHOLE DAY with her on a Friday.

If I’m on my phone, he’s asking what I’m doing/who I’m talking to/if something’s wrong etc and it’s every single time. If I go off to another room, he’s asking what I’m up to. If I arrange to go out with a friend (I’ve been out once in 2 years) he gets the hump and says he doesn’t go out, so I tell him to go out and he says he doesn’t want to/has no friends/has no money.

We get a top up of UC and he’s looked on there and said, ‘you get this wage, these tax credits, child benefit and PIP. You should give me more money!’

I explained that I don’t have loads of money to spare - I give him £500, the childminder £500, I’m spending £130 a week on food/toiletries/nappies etc I pay for our eldest daughter’s after school clubs, trips, uniform, both children’s clothes and shoes etc. I pay for my phone, Netflix, any uk break we’ve had (only had 3, but I paid for them all!) anything extra they both need basically. DD has a school disco- I pay. Invited to a party- I buy the prezzie and card. Needs a new PE kit- I pay. Wants to start gymnastics- I pay. I showed him my bank account with £3.28 in it. I showed him my Very account that’s outstanding at £22 for a minimum payment I’ve missed. I also showed him my after school club account that’s outstanding with £10 to pay so these will have to be paid Monday with my £40 child benefit. The Very account I had to open to buy things for the girls’ birthdays and their clothes and after school club is for DD so child benefit gets spent ON THEM as it should do. I also mentioned my PIP is for me - for medication, counselling, taxis to get me to places as I’m too anxious to drive, to buy things to add to my mental health toolkit (I have a sensory and a calming bag) and for DBT books to help me manage my BPD. He called me selfish and said I should be giving him more money. Told me medication is about £10 and I don’t need the other stuff as he needs that money more.

I’ve shut myself in the bedroom as I don’t want to argue in front of the kids but I’m really angry/upset.

Am I right to be angry though?

OP posts:
GraysPapaya · 22/07/2023 20:21

What does he do with the £500 you give to him? He sounds like a massive prick, sorry Op.

Grumpigal · 22/07/2023 20:22

Your partner is a cunt.

why sugar coat it? He’s a miserable turd of an excuse for a man.

if he wants more money he should fucking well go and get a better paid job or do some more training and development, as it sounds like you have.

He really doesn’t give a shit about you OP, he won’t change and this will only escalate. The sooner you see that and can accept that you’re in a relationship with an absolute tosser the quicker you’ll be able to put things in order and get the hell on with your life free from this waste of space.

Custardslices · 22/07/2023 20:23

Grim just plain grim

Blast destiny's child independent women get some inner strength and kick his arse out.

NancyPickford · 22/07/2023 20:25

This is your life??? THIS is your life???? Why are you staying with this horrible, horrible man? For goodness sake, get out of this situation. You have one life to live, and this sounds utterly miserable and soul-destroying.

kierenthecommunity · 22/07/2023 20:27

He sounds depressed have I missed something? Im not seeing that at all…

Im astonished the OP is being berated for having a staggered start) lie in once a week. Good Lord, sounds like she’s earned it!

Iziz · 22/07/2023 20:29

You give him 500 for what ? Does he work or is it his pip ? Or do you give him his share of uc , Does he pay for anything? I think you are being taken for a ride .

dapsnotplimsolls · 22/07/2023 20:30

He really does sound like a massive tosspot. Was he brought up in the 1950s?

NameChange280 · 22/07/2023 20:33

Another woman who is exhausted by a life a man has created for her.

For god's sake woman get out!

AuntieJune · 22/07/2023 20:35

What attracted you to him? What's his job?

I can't see why he'd think it is reasonable for you to work every waking minute (bar three hours on a Saturday) and he presumably does a 9-5 and that's it?

His attitude to you cooking is retro - but that's what you might expect from a sahm. You know, with a bit of time for domestic stuff. Not someone who works longer hours than him.

PhoenixIsFlying · 22/07/2023 20:35

I think it's good you are dropping down to two days . It's so important for people with BDP to have enough sleep , as you say stress is a trigger.
Unfortunately you are not getting much support but I think you are doing tremendously well, juggling everything and coping with BDP on top of that .

Shayisgreat · 22/07/2023 20:36

He almost sounds like a caricature!

You'd have less work to do if he wasn't around. He sounds terrible and you almost sound like you're believing he has legitimate complaints about you. Get rid of him.

Chappers001 · 22/07/2023 20:36

SO MANY RED FLAGS 😲

FairFuming · 22/07/2023 20:40

I was in a similar relationship. I left 2 years ago. I don't walk on eggshells in my own home now. I highly recommend it

WimbyAce · 22/07/2023 20:41

As others have said have a shared bank account that you both pay so much in for household bills and all the children's stuff. Anything you each have left is for you to spend as you wish. We take turns at the weekend so I have a lay in Saturday and OH has Sunday.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 22/07/2023 20:42

OP, women who are disabled have a much higher incidence of being victims of abuse. With your BPD your ability to understand boundaries will be impaired and you will probably fear rejection much more than most people. You are being taken advantage of, and the contempt with which he is treating you is very concerning. Do you have a therapist you can speak to about this? Could you access Womens Aid or a local agency to help you work through what is happening and what practical support you may be able to access. The stress he is causing you will not be helping with your disability and is not going to get better as you have tried to talk to him and he has been so dismissive.

namechangenacy · 22/07/2023 20:44

I have to ask op -

Did you witness your mum being treated badly by your dad as a kid ? We tend to repeat childhood patterns in our adulthood

Because most women would have fucking run away from this man that is literally a walking talking 1950s red flag.

Do you rent or own ? Could you survive without him financially?

I'm guessing but he hates your friends, hates you going out (for any reason) comments on your looks, generally tries to control every aspect of your life ?

scoobysnaxx · 22/07/2023 20:46

Omg this is truly awful OP.

No way to live.

What a scumbag and terrible example for the kids.

Don't stand for it and get rid!

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 22/07/2023 20:48

For Christ's sake don't open a joint account with him OP, are you mad?! He'll empty the lot and spend it on himself, he's already trying to take money off you that needs to be spent on the DC, and you think having an account where he can help himself is a good idea?!

He sounds like a monumental wanker. Your life would be infinitely better with him out of the picture, I'm sure.

Am I looking after these two on my own? The answer to that is Yes. You're their father, I'm working. Of course you're looking after them.

I've recently come out of hospital OP, do you know what my partner has done while I wasn't able to do things?
Everything. Absolutely everything. All domestic stuff, every single thing to do with DC, driven me to all appointments, got all my prescriptions. When I first came home I was stuck in bed for a few days. He brought me food and drinks, checked on me, made sure I was OK. Because we're a partnership.

You don't have a partner, you have a millstone around your neck.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 22/07/2023 20:48

@CutiePatooties your husband is:

  1. Controlling
  2. Lazy
  3. Manipulative
  4. An utter cunt

‘I do more than most men.’

No, you don't pal. In this day and age most men pull their weight with parenting and housework. This isn't the 1950's anymore.

OP - you're a bloody saint. He's letting you run yourself ragged and yet he makes out like he is a saviour for changing one fucking nappy a week. You're furious with your husband? Well so am bloody I. Your husband has given me pure rage. He's a lazy, selfish cunting bastard.

You have my first ever LEAVE THE BASTARD.

Walesagogo · 22/07/2023 20:50

All of this sounds exhausting and like someone else said that you must be walking on eggshells. Thats no way to live OP. You'd probably be less exhausted if you lived alone if you didn't have the added stress that's he causing you. He's really not keeper. Sounds selfish.

Jl2014 · 22/07/2023 20:53

Get rid of him, OP. I don’t understand why so many women on here saddle themselves with these terrible men. You deserve better.

Ep1cfail · 22/07/2023 20:53

What exactly does he contribute? He doesnt sound like a good partner or a good father. Honestly, I fail to see the point in him. Why are you staying with him? Don't get me wrong. I know it's hard to leave when you have small kids but unless theirs a huge improvement separation is inevitable.

PriamFarrl · 22/07/2023 20:59

When I did my teacher training my DH did everything. I couldn’t have coped otherwise. Much the same with my NQT year.

Don’t have all your money in a joint account, keep your own money yours.

Vallmo47 · 22/07/2023 21:00

YANBU OP and deserve much better. Good luck ♥️

TheNewSchmoo · 22/07/2023 21:02

Good grief, he sounds like a bully, pure and simple.
If your daughter wrote your OP, what would you advise her?

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