Furious with DH

[CutiePatooties]

I’m absolutely furious! Not sure if I’m overreacting though…

DH questions EVERYTHING I do. I work Mon-Thurs, then I’m off on Fridays still trying to get work done, plus looking after our one year old. On a Saturday, I’m so exhausted that once I’ve made the girls breakfast and fed/changed baby, I sleep from around 9-12. This is the first thing he moans about- that he’s having to do everything for the baby and has to keep getting up all the time, but I tell him I have a WHOLE DAY with her on a Friday.

If I’m on my phone, he’s asking what I’m doing/who I’m talking to/if something’s wrong etc and it’s every single time. If I go off to another room, he’s asking what I’m up to. If I arrange to go out with a friend (I’ve been out once in 2 years) he gets the hump and says he doesn’t go out, so I tell him to go out and he says he doesn’t want to/has no friends/has no money.

We get a top up of UC and he’s looked on there and said, ‘you get this wage, these tax credits, child benefit and PIP. You should give me more money!’

I explained that I don’t have loads of money to spare - I give him £500, the childminder £500, I’m spending £130 a week on food/toiletries/nappies etc I pay for our eldest daughter’s after school clubs, trips, uniform, both children’s clothes and shoes etc. I pay for my phone, Netflix, any uk break we’ve had (only had 3, but I paid for them all!) anything extra they both need basically. DD has a school disco- I pay. Invited to a party- I buy the prezzie and card. Needs a new PE kit- I pay. Wants to start gymnastics- I pay. I showed him my bank account with £3.28 in it. I showed him my Very account that’s outstanding at £22 for a minimum payment I’ve missed. I also showed him my after school club account that’s outstanding with £10 to pay so these will have to be paid Monday with my £40 child benefit. The Very account I had to open to buy things for the girls’ birthdays and their clothes and after school club is for DD so child benefit gets spent ON THEM as it should do. I also mentioned my PIP is for me - for medication, counselling, taxis to get me to places as I’m too anxious to drive, to buy things to add to my mental health toolkit (I have a sensory and a calming bag) and for DBT books to help me manage my BPD. He called me selfish and said I should be giving him more money. Told me medication is about £10 and I don’t need the other stuff as he needs that money more.

I’ve shut myself in the bedroom as I don’t want to argue in front of the kids but I’m really angry/upset.

Am I right to be angry though?

I did read all you wrote, and I realise that like a lot of women (too many) you do nearly everything, and you have a useless partner. I actually think that you could cope alone...you already do, in fact. What I was commenting on was that your partner complains about looking after HIS baby for a few hours, and that you appeared to be complaining that you actually have to look after the baby for a whole day. Did I read it wrong? In which case, I'm sorry. In any case, I apologise for upsetting you.

So he's badgering you for more money because HE has accrued a bloody enormous debt!!! If it's costing him £500 a month then I dread to think how much the debt is!
Honestly, you had grounds to leave the fucker before that bombshell of an update. I'd definitely be going it alone now. I know that kind of future makes you anxious but blimey, you can't live with him and what is that teaching your poor children?

I haven't read the full thread, but to me it sounds like you're not present in the evenings. If you've been at work all day surely you shouldn't be working in the evenings too.

Can you leave your work at the door so to speak and then when you're home you can be present with the family rather than doing more work and sleeping on Saturdays.

Also, with the money situation if the sexes were reversed MNetters would be saying that ALL money is "family money".

You haven't understood any of the thread either have you?

Have you read any of it?

@CutiePatooties

I'm adopted so I do understand having abandonment issues. But let me tell you one thing, you can feel more alone with the wrong person than you'll ever feel alone by yourself. Therapy can help you cope and deal with your fear of being alone.

He's never going to change. Bone-selfish people never do because they're getting everything they want and see no need to give that up.

Get any help you need to build yourself up and then get out.

He has been fleecing you! Fuck sake I'm angry for you.

He is an arsehole, he is displaying very little respect for you, and he just needs to go and stay with his mam while you decide whether you want him in your life anymore.

You owe this man nothing.

He expects you to pay for childcare because he didn't want you working in the first place?

I am fucking raging on your behalf OP. How DARE he tell you whether or not you can work and then expect you to pay for a cost that is equally his.

Why do men not want women to work? Most of the time the only reason I can see is so that it makes his life easier and you are reliant on him. Not something you ever want to be.

Oh @CutiePatooties your update has further cemented how awful your husband is. I'm so sorry, this awful mile man is taking complete advantage over you. You sound like a lovely woman.

I completely appreciate your abandonment issues from your childhood as I've read the full thread. I honestly believe you'll feel emotionally and mentally happier without this controlling, abusive man dictating to you. There are ways to help with your abandonment issues, so please do not let that stop you from breaking free from him.

I see you rent and don't drive. Would you be able to get a flat/house to rent near to your workplace? Or is there a bus or is it cheap enough in a taxi? Possibly could you carshare with a colleague? There will be some solution to him driving you to and from work, so again, please do not let this be a barrier to your freedom.

It very much sounds like he wants your extra £500 for his debts. That's extremely worrying about him saying he's not paying the bills, are you able to take any control over these things? Instead of you paying him any money, you get him to give it to you and you pay for it all. I'm concerned if he's even paying the rent. He could ruin your credit rating if he's not paying things that you are named on.

I know it's not easy, but it is a little easier and less complicated as you do not own the house together.

I would seriously spend this week researching and organising your freedom and try to get out before you go back to work after the holidays. I know how hard it is, I've been there, and let me tell you, you'll only wish you'd left sooner xxx

He’s selfish and lazy and is only thinking about himself.

LTB and keep doing what you’re doing, he’s useless x

@VeterinaryCareAssistant

•I’m a teacher- I can’t just leave my work at the workplace.
• all of my money does go towards the family.
• I am present in the evenings - that’s why I have to work until 9pm.

Sorry if this sounds out of turn, but so many people are going on about the 3 hour sleep - how many of you go out with your friends- off to the pub? Out for a meal with the girls? Some even go on holidays without their children or out for date nights etc? I do NONE of that. I go out once every 2-3 years, as I feel too anxious about going out most of the time and when I do pluck up the courage to go, he moans at me for it and guilt-trips me for it. The only ‘me’ time I get is 30 mins in the bath a night and a 3 hour nap on a Saturday. I don’t understand why people have a problem with this so much.

Even my lunch breaks were spent running a lunchtime club once a week, then on the other 3 days I had a child who would sit with me as they get overwhelmed at lunch and another child who would come and ask me to play games with them and others, because they struggle socially etc so my lunchtime hasn’t been my own time either (not complaining - I love that they feel they can come to me and I put my name forward to run a club). I’m just stressing that those 3 extra hours a week of sleep are one of the only things I do for myself. Some people go running, to a class, the gym, out with friends. I have a 3 hour nap a week. I don’t understand why that makes me this terrible human being.

Also, I wake up at 5.30am everyday and on Saturday I’m with the DC until 9am. I make sure they’re fed and dressed then I go off to bed until 12pm then make them lunch etc. I also can’t stress enough how exhausting BPD is. The best way to describe what I do most days at work is masking. I wake up feeling low, or I feel overwhelmed by something going wrong or a mistake I’ve made or I’ve had a lesson observation and my anxiety is hitting the roof, or a parent raises an issue - I have to mask how I’m feeling as I’m in a professional role. Masking your feelings is extremely exhausting and I think it’s why the children who have the best bonds with me so far and who I’ve been told I’ve been able to ‘crack’ (as in, get them to do the work, put the effort in, regulate emotions better etc) seem to gravitate towards me as I can understand their struggles. The amount of times I’ve come home and emailed work saying they’d be better off without me and that I’m not coming back etc as one thing going wrong will send me into a meltdown and I just want to shut myself away at home and never resurface. It is so draining, on top of a heavy workload and a stressful job, a man who doesn’t contribute as much as I do to the household, being new to teaching and having a 1 year old and a 6 year old, I feel like the 3 hours isn’t really that much. That’s the only time he has with them on his own as well; you would think as their father that he would welcome that. If I was on here complaining that I had to have 3 hours alone with my DC I’d be raked over hot coals and rightly so.

If you’re implying my PIP should go towards the family, then directly, no it shouldn’t. Even if I was a man writing this, anyone saying a personal independence payment should be spent on anyone other than the person receiving it, would be wrong. DWP would stop payment if they thought that was going on. However, you’re wrong in assuming that it isn’t indirectly going towards the family’s money. Getting the medication, counselling, DBT, attending workshops, getting taxis to places so I’m not stuck indoors depressed and can take my DC places when I need to, etc. It all helps me function, helps me work, stops my depressive episodes, stops my mood swings being severe and paranoia etc the list goes on. It makes me a better person and therefore a better mum. It means I can work long hours, tend to the children, the man child and the home.

So I’m not really sure where you’re coming from or why you’d even comment when you haven’t read anything I’ve posted in the first place. I’d like to think MNetters would still be saying the same thing, regardless of my gender, considering PIP is a payment to help me live more independently and not to pay off my husband’s debt which is what I’ve actually found out he wants the money for! He hasn’t even paid the bills, so the £500 I’ve been giving him must’ve gone towards his debt. He’s told me he’s £250 in arrears on the electric and gas bills, so I’ll have to find a way to pay that off!

@CutiePatooties please ignore the people making these comments that are hurting you. Honestly, I thought the nap criticisms were ridiculous. I sit up late at night because it's the only quiet time I get and I get to do things for the household online such as ordering various things we need. I also suffer from occasional insomnia. I treat myself to a lay in every now and then until lunchtime sometimes. I don't give a shit if anyone thinks that's a heinous crime. Like you, I do nothing else for myself!

My husband and I share parenting and housework. He does more cooking but I do all laundry but it works out roughly equal. He likes to go out once a month or so for a full day, early morning until very late with his friends to a social event, so it evens out with me getting a lay in every now and then.

Don't worry about the people who either don't get it or haven't bothered to read the full thread. Enough of us are on your side and are here for support xx

OP ignore the nap people - they are totally and completely off their rockers and should shut the f up. What you are doing is AMAZING!

Echoing this ... you are doing amazing ignore the trolls but you can't carry on like this.

Ignore the nap people. It wouldn't be a weekend in our house if one of us hasn't had a nap. You've more than earned it

@ReadingSoManyThreads @Alargeoneplease89 @LilyPark @Treacletoots thank you, that really means a lot 💐

I'm normally standing up for men on MN posts because normally they are unfairly slated but your DH sounds an utter self absorbedmoney grabbing prick. To work practically FT as a teacher with BPD and still do everything else sounds so tough, don't let him belittle you and take control of your money.
Remember how much you bring to the table.

@CutiePatooties one important thing OP, PIP is definitely not ring fenced to the recipient, it can be spent on anything, including gifts or the costs of running a home (since pip uplifts the income of the disadvantaged recipient who, without the disadvantage, may have been able to work more hours or in a more highly paid job).

And OP your DH is an abusive loser, but in an ordinary working partnership, yes the pip would go in the family pot, since essential costs like taxis or physio for the disabled person, and also childcare costs, would ALSO come out if the family pot!
Unfortunately your financial arrangements are so dysfunctional I can understand why you might not realise this and also wouldn’t want to do it.

Dump him

You are an amazing person and despite what you say, you are doing incredibly well. You’re tired out juggling all this and sadly your ‘partner’ is actively sabotaging every aspect of your life while throwing blame for his failings on you.
I was in that same place 20 years ago - it nearly killed me , I was scared of being alone after being ground down for years . I left it too long and my kids suffered with me. Don’t be me looking back with so many regrets… you get one life , make it the best you can for you and your children - please .
Good Luck - you’re almost there
xxxx

He sounds like a selfish arsehole and a total control freak!
You sound lovely and not at all unreasonable! If anything, he should pay for more things!
You deserve better than this guy, I hope you can get out of this relationship and be with someone who loves and respects you! Sending best wishes xx

1. Stop making his lunch.
2. Leave the bastard, you will probably be better off financially, and mentally, and get child free time whilst they are with their father.
3. Lower your life standards a little bit, you work hard, your dc are young. It doesn't matter if the house is a bit messy

Be kind to yourself.

Your husband is an arse. To put it in perspective, I work shifts, my dp (not even the boys father) will do the cooking, sort the boys out for school/college, take them to various clubs/to meet friends. He picks up the slack when I'm working.

Being a parent is hard work, but it's harder when the other parents isn't doing their fare share and I promise you that although you'll be alone for a while, nothing has changed, you are doing it all anyway, you'll just be less angry about the fact you have a lazy shit husband sitting on his arse doing nothing,