Furious with DH

[CutiePatooties]

I’m absolutely furious! Not sure if I’m overreacting though…

DH questions EVERYTHING I do. I work Mon-Thurs, then I’m off on Fridays still trying to get work done, plus looking after our one year old. On a Saturday, I’m so exhausted that once I’ve made the girls breakfast and fed/changed baby, I sleep from around 9-12. This is the first thing he moans about- that he’s having to do everything for the baby and has to keep getting up all the time, but I tell him I have a WHOLE DAY with her on a Friday.

If I’m on my phone, he’s asking what I’m doing/who I’m talking to/if something’s wrong etc and it’s every single time. If I go off to another room, he’s asking what I’m up to. If I arrange to go out with a friend (I’ve been out once in 2 years) he gets the hump and says he doesn’t go out, so I tell him to go out and he says he doesn’t want to/has no friends/has no money.

We get a top up of UC and he’s looked on there and said, ‘you get this wage, these tax credits, child benefit and PIP. You should give me more money!’

I explained that I don’t have loads of money to spare - I give him £500, the childminder £500, I’m spending £130 a week on food/toiletries/nappies etc I pay for our eldest daughter’s after school clubs, trips, uniform, both children’s clothes and shoes etc. I pay for my phone, Netflix, any uk break we’ve had (only had 3, but I paid for them all!) anything extra they both need basically. DD has a school disco- I pay. Invited to a party- I buy the prezzie and card. Needs a new PE kit- I pay. Wants to start gymnastics- I pay. I showed him my bank account with £3.28 in it. I showed him my Very account that’s outstanding at £22 for a minimum payment I’ve missed. I also showed him my after school club account that’s outstanding with £10 to pay so these will have to be paid Monday with my £40 child benefit. The Very account I had to open to buy things for the girls’ birthdays and their clothes and after school club is for DD so child benefit gets spent ON THEM as it should do. I also mentioned my PIP is for me - for medication, counselling, taxis to get me to places as I’m too anxious to drive, to buy things to add to my mental health toolkit (I have a sensory and a calming bag) and for DBT books to help me manage my BPD. He called me selfish and said I should be giving him more money. Told me medication is about £10 and I don’t need the other stuff as he needs that money more.

I’ve shut myself in the bedroom as I don’t want to argue in front of the kids but I’m really angry/upset.

Am I right to be angry though?

There is no point to him. Shit husband. Shit father. Shit man.

Yep he sounds like a prize arsehole. Don't give him any more money.

Fucking hell OP, you’re clearly an educated woman so why on Gods green earth are you putting up with this absolute shit of a man?

I’d hope he had a Cock of Gold, but let me guess - selfish and shit in bed too?

Do yourself a favour and channel Gloria Gaynor.

He is taking advantage of you, treating you as a servant and piggybank. Wanting to take you PIP payments is verging on financial abuse. You are overdoing it and not helping your health at all. He really should be doing more to help YOU

PIP monies are for the person claiming them, YOU.
Child benefit is for the costs of raising childre so the money should be spent on THEM.
You pay your share already, if he wants more money he should be working more to earn it for himself if that's the way he wants it, NOT stealing money from his wife and his children.

What is the actual point of him op?
He is abusive, rude and selfish, doesn't want to parent by the sounds of it.
I'd divorce him and crack on alone, you would have one less person yo clean up after.

Google financial abuse and then make plans to leave this prick

YANBU. Fundamentally, he does not see it as a partnership.

Finances can be managed however you want to, childcare can be managed however you want to do so but the starting point for any discussion is equality.

I am the first to admit that in our marriage we both get tired and short with each other but when that has passed we both know what the other does. If he can’t acknowledge what you do and approach a discussion as equals then he is highly unlikely to change.

He is appalling, as PP have said.

But the wider relationship, as well as your approach to finances, sounds really dysfunctional.

I work on Fridays, but from home, with a one year old to tend to whilst I’m working

How does this work? Are you actually paid to work on Fridays? Then why are you also managing a 1 yo during your working day?

At nights where is he, while you put them to bed, before going back to work?

Regarding money, the way you have finances set up is poor. You should have a budget & a joint account for bills.

Sleeping for 3 hours on Saturday also sounds excessive - if you are tired, you need to make changes during the week not spend every Saturday morning in bed.

But yes, your H needs a few home truths & if no change, you need to consider ending it.

Are you sure? Will he spend the money so there's none left for you and the kids?

Who's looking after then kids every night if your working to 9pm? Wfh while looking after kids don't work, get childcare for Fridays. 3hr nap every Saturday would do my head in. He's attitude towards money is awful, you need to have a serious think about your marriage.

You need to take a good look at what he actually adds to your life.

And I don't see how a pooled account for expenses is going to do anything good for you as you out-earn him already. He's just going to use it to siphon your money into things he wants.

Tell him to piss off and he can have the divorce for free!
Absolutely this.
You are not in a partnership with him so what's the point? He's just nasty.

@CutiePatooties normally I would agree that open shared finances where both have equal spends is a great idea. But in your case I think it’s a very bad idea. What you could do (if you’re not getting rid of him!) is do your own calculations with his wages/yours/bills and see how much each of you has left over. It should be about the same.

Are you right to be angry????!!!!!!!!! I am livid and I don't even know this utter waster of a bastard. GET RID!!!

This.

How many children do you have, and is he the father to all of them?
Why on earth did you get involved with him? He sounds like a pre-teen whiner with zero adult sense of responsibility.

Get rid.

You are allowing him to treat you like a doormat.

Time to get out and live your life.

Eleanor Roosevelt:
"It's your life—but only if you make it so. The standards by which you live must be your own standards, your own values, your own convictions in regard to what is right and wrong, what is true and false, what is important and what is trivial. When you adopt the standards and the values of someone else … you surrender your own integrity. You become, to the extent of your surrender, less of a human being.”

What does he do apart from looking after his kids for 3 hours on a Saturday?

Everyone going on about op having a 3 hour nap- did you all miss the bit where she is disabled enough to qualify for PIP ?

It doesn't sound as if either of you should have kids. You poor thing, burdened with looking after your baby for a whole day a week. Poor baby.

@EarringsandLipstick I get paid a portion of PPA money to work on Fridays, so that’s my planning time. I also get sent emails, or at times (like recently) I’ve had to get reports written, be prepared for pupil progress meetings, check provision maps, access further training for SEND, subject knowledge and pedagogy (I’ve only just passed my NQT year, so I’m hoping the hours I spend on things will naturally decrease with more experience in teaching).

However, it’s been so hard to manage working pretty much full time and raise the kids. I know people do it and do it very well, but I’ve had countless times where I’ve been marking books at our dining room table and he’s asked, ‘am I looking after these two on my own then?’ Which leads me to deal with the both of them and then get back to marking etc so I only switch off at around 9ish from working and I’m back up at 5.30am to do it all again the next day. I get all our lunches and their bags etc ready in the morning, I get them dressed, I do the bed time routines. When I do sleep for 3 hours on a Saturday, it’s after they’ve both had their breakfast, are dressed and then I wake up at 12 and do lunch. The only thing he has to do is keep them entertained and change a nappy if necessary.

He also says that anything regarding schooling/homework for our eldest DD should be managed by me (as I’m a teacher) so I also have to fit in homework and helping DD with her gaps in learning on a Sunday. My week is waking up at 5.30am, sorting everything for the kids, getting to work at 7.30am, leaving work between 5-6pm, feeding baby dinner (other DD has it at after school club), marking/planning, emailing, getting kids to bed, marking some more, getting bathed and ready for bed myself and repeat. Friday I work and have the baby. Saturday I tend to the kids, sleep for 3 hours, carry on tending to the kids and the rest of the weekend I clean, help DD with homework etc, do our food shop, read up on DBT, continue with any training for work and get ready for the following week.

He’s even told me when he’s changed the baby’s nappy that I’m lucky to have him as there are men at his workplace who would never do that. Or if he gives her a bottle, or empties the dishwasher he’ll say, ‘I do more than most men.’ If I’m so busy that I tell him I don’t have time to cook dinner, he’ll just not eat and then go on about how he hasn’t eaten dinner, until I end up making it. Or another time that pissed me off, was when he came home from work saying his colleagues asked why I hadn’t made his lunch that day - he said all their wives make their lunch every day, so I can’t ever let that slip or I’ll be known as the ‘bad wife!’

Add to that - BPD is exhausting in itself. Teaching can be stressful - managing the workload, SLT and parent expectations, etc. BPD and stress isn’t a good combo either and I’ve let work know that and they’ve been brilliant by dropping me down to 2 days from September. Hopefully that will solve the issue of needing to sleep so much.

It's not a partnership. Your not a team. Your the breadwinner, emotional support animal that he thinks he should have complete control over because he has no control over anything in his own life. He sounds depressed and also sounds like the last thing he's going to do is change or be willing to understand what it means to take responsibility for his own emotional state, never mind financial, fatherhood etc. Your anger is right and appropriate and is your own inner self standing up for yourself. Well done for letting that anger express itself. This journey is now yours to reclaim.

If the baby is unsettled or not sleeping through the night and OP is working in a stressful job 4 days a week plus looking after another child, then yes, she needs to catch up at some point. Christ.

@IridescentRainbird I take it you haven’t read all the comments I’ve made on this thread. I’m not explaining myself again to someone so ignorant.

Perhaps with an ignorant mind like yours, you shouldn’t have had children either, as that kind of mentally usually gets passed down to offspring!

Jesus wept, OP. Read it last post back and imagine it was one of your friends telling you this. What would you say to them?

I dont mean to sound unkind, but you can’t honestly think this is ok. Has he always been like this?

@Givemethereins agree with your post. OP, I would suggest some time apart for a bit of reflection. Can he stay somewhere else for a bit?