Furious with DH

[CutiePatooties]

I’m absolutely furious! Not sure if I’m overreacting though…

DH questions EVERYTHING I do. I work Mon-Thurs, then I’m off on Fridays still trying to get work done, plus looking after our one year old. On a Saturday, I’m so exhausted that once I’ve made the girls breakfast and fed/changed baby, I sleep from around 9-12. This is the first thing he moans about- that he’s having to do everything for the baby and has to keep getting up all the time, but I tell him I have a WHOLE DAY with her on a Friday.

If I’m on my phone, he’s asking what I’m doing/who I’m talking to/if something’s wrong etc and it’s every single time. If I go off to another room, he’s asking what I’m up to. If I arrange to go out with a friend (I’ve been out once in 2 years) he gets the hump and says he doesn’t go out, so I tell him to go out and he says he doesn’t want to/has no friends/has no money.

We get a top up of UC and he’s looked on there and said, ‘you get this wage, these tax credits, child benefit and PIP. You should give me more money!’

I explained that I don’t have loads of money to spare - I give him £500, the childminder £500, I’m spending £130 a week on food/toiletries/nappies etc I pay for our eldest daughter’s after school clubs, trips, uniform, both children’s clothes and shoes etc. I pay for my phone, Netflix, any uk break we’ve had (only had 3, but I paid for them all!) anything extra they both need basically. DD has a school disco- I pay. Invited to a party- I buy the prezzie and card. Needs a new PE kit- I pay. Wants to start gymnastics- I pay. I showed him my bank account with £3.28 in it. I showed him my Very account that’s outstanding at £22 for a minimum payment I’ve missed. I also showed him my after school club account that’s outstanding with £10 to pay so these will have to be paid Monday with my £40 child benefit. The Very account I had to open to buy things for the girls’ birthdays and their clothes and after school club is for DD so child benefit gets spent ON THEM as it should do. I also mentioned my PIP is for me - for medication, counselling, taxis to get me to places as I’m too anxious to drive, to buy things to add to my mental health toolkit (I have a sensory and a calming bag) and for DBT books to help me manage my BPD. He called me selfish and said I should be giving him more money. Told me medication is about £10 and I don’t need the other stuff as he needs that money more.

I’ve shut myself in the bedroom as I don’t want to argue in front of the kids but I’m really angry/upset.

Am I right to be angry though?

He is utterly fucking useless. I feel so sorry for you.

Maybe you should actually read OPs posts, she does amazing.

Personally OP I would kick him out, you basically do it one handed.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune we have 2 DC and yes, he’s the father of both.

@PhoenixIsFlying thank you so much for your kind words. I always feel like a failure, so your words mean a lot.

@namechangenacy it was the other way around, if anything. My dad worked 2 jobs so my mum could be a SAHM. Mum still expected more from him so at times when she got overwhelmed with running a household and tending to her 7 kids, she would say she’s leaving and storm out of the house. I remember being very small (must’ve been, as I was in the bath with my 2 brothers) and she stormed out saying she’s never coming back. Dad got us dressed and took us out in the car looking for her while he begged her to come back and we sat in the back crying in fear that our mum was leaving us for good. Once she got home, dad did all the housework, massaged her feet, bought her flowers, etc then it happened again and again over the years. I remember years and years later, she tried it again and said ‘that’s it, I’m leaving,’ and dad just said ‘bye, then.’ I asked if he was going to go after her and he said no and just sat in silence. Eventually she returned and never had an outburst like that again.

I haven’t worked out if I’ll be okay financially on my own. I’m also afraid of being left on my own forever - I’m fat, very unattractive and I have BPD, so I’m hardly a ‘catch’ myself. A big part of me wants to keep the family together. Then there’s the fact he’s already said (in a heated argument) that if I divorce him he will get the kids as I have a personality disorder. Then said if he doesn’t get the kids, he’s not going to babysit them at the weekend so I can go out. So either they get taken from me, or if I have them he will refuse to see them. Can’t see a way out.

@CutiePatooties

I haven’t worked out if I’ll be okay financially on my own.

Do your finances and figure that out. I can guarantee you'll be much better off mentally/emotionally without him around. What a drag on your psyche he must be!

I’m also afraid of being left on my own forever - I’m fat, very unattractive and I have BPD, so I’m hardly a ‘catch’ myself.

This is the 2nd poster today who has said they are 'afraid of being alone'. Why? I mean what's so bad about being alone? You'll have your job, you'll have your children, you'll have friends or will make them, if you're close to your family you'll have them too. And you will be free to 'order' your life exactly as you please. You are enough!!! You don't need a man in your life to be complete. You just need YOU.

r - I’m fat, very unattractive and I have BPD, so I’m hardly a ‘catch’ myself

Dont put yourself down and don't stay in fear of his threats
Your job as a teacher will show your BDP has no bearing on what you are capable of
He doesn't want to look after the kids so that you can go out, find a cheap babysitter! His loss.

Or another time that pissed me off, was when he came home from work saying his colleagues asked why I hadn’t made his lunch that day - he said all their wives make their lunch every day, so I can’t ever let that slip or I’ll be known as the ‘bad wife!’

Then there’s the fact he’s already said (in a heated argument) that if I divorce him he will get the kids as I have a personality disorder. Then said if he doesn’t get the kids, he’s not going to babysit them at the weekend so I can go out. So either they get taken from me, or if I have them he will refuse to see them.

He is dogshit. What a failure.

He sounds abusive. If he'd genuinely not see his own kids to try to punish you then it's better for them that he has no contact with them. Men like this often threaten to "take the kids" but rarely actually do (it's too much hard work for them). I'd be calling his bluff. (He sounds financially abusive as well as emotionally. I'd ring Women's Aid and tell them what your relationship is like - they're not only there for women suffering from physical violence, plenty of men are able to control their families very effectively without violence.)

All of these reasons are fears that come from being beat down in a situation. You don't even know what kind of person you will be once free of this succubus. You don't know yet how good life could be for you when your empowered and have autonomy and your truth back. This man is squeezing the life out of you bit by bit. Think 5 -10 yrs down the road and what do you see then? Your kids will glad your got yourself out of there when they're old enough. Good luck you deserve to have your life back.

hes bluffing-hes paractically said he wont have them of course they wont take tem away from you

he hasnt got any money by the sounds of it so dont worry about things like court

hes a nasty abusive man and you need to leave

Do you want your children growing up in a home where their father treats their mother like shit?

You say this is your husband ? He should be praising you to the high heavens of Mt. Olympus. I do not understand the quibbles about money. If you want to keep everything separate then I like the pp’s suggestions of a separate account where you both put in half for the bills although he’s complaining about the credits and such you get. If you’re married isn’t all that going to both of you? (I’m in USA so not knowledgeable about UK).

When my husband and I got married, we closed our separate accounts and got one shared account. He handed over his checks to me, now they’re direct deposited. I do the finances, he has never questioned me or complained. Whoever does the household stuff needs to do the finances. It is too complicated in my opinion to have all these separate things going on and constantly figuring up who owes who and how much and how to divide up bills. But, I also understand people who want to have separate accounts. One account for paying bills where each spouse deposits every pay day their half of the bills/savings etc, sounds good. It’s the quibbling though that can happen when the situation is not clear like when one person earns more, the other does all the childcare, one is part time, oh my that would drive me crazy. We see the money as our money not one or the other’s.

'I’m also afraid of being left on my own forever'

But being on your own is often less lonely than being in the wrong relationship.

Tell us the positives. What would you miss about your relationship?

I just read this update. Op, he’s AWFUL. Truly, you deserve better. A good husband who loves you would never dream of saying the things he’s said to you. Start taking care of you physically, mentally, and emotionally, and start planning on how you will proceed—how to set out on your own with your children. You don’t want to be saddled with a loser, who has contempt for you, for years and years. Try to find supportive people and resources to buoy you so you can disentangle yourself from that cretin.

I don’t believe in ending a marriage lightly but I don’t think he is the one for you. The one for you is still out there and I hope you find him.

Being alone is better than being crushed by a hateful useless ass for decades. You’ll never find anyone else if you’re busy dealing with a piece of garbage 24/7.

I’m a GP and do a lot of mental health work.

A few years ago I was very involved, providing mental health support, with someone who sounded just like you. She didn’t know but her husband was also a patient of mine and both were seeing me independently. Which does happen from time to time (where there is a conflict in care we do hand one patient over to a colleague but we try to stay neutral always).

Anyways, I try to never tell people what I think they should do. We talk through pathways and support people in making their own choices. Which can be hard!

In this situation- where she was essentially in the exact same situation as you- I breached my normal practice and encouraged/ supported her in leaving the awful situation she was in. Because no medication or counselling could help her whilst the trigger for her anxiety and depression was always there- her shitbag controlling gas lighting husband.

About 8 months later we had a followup appointment, as she hadn’t come back to see me sooner. She was glowing. I asked her what had made the difference and given her the push to pull the trigger on her situation.

She said; You said something. You told me ‘I didn’t need anti- depressants, I needed a Husbandectomy’ And the next day I did it 🙈

I think I’ve only been this explicit once in my career.

And for only the second time in 20 years I’m going to give the same advice. If things are truly as you describe, seriously consider if your future will be better with or without your husband as your ‘partner’. If you give it thought and the answer is ‘no’ then start planning to have a Husbandectomy.

If it’s ‘maybe’ then start thinking about what changes you both need to make, and how these changes can be made.

If they cannot be made then see above.

Hang in there OP. This too can pass, you have the power to control whether this man remains in your life or not xxx

He's a prick and you would be better off without him.

Thank you for sharing this, very moving
Husbandectomys should be offered as standard NHS treatment :)

Op I say this very gently. 7 kids is a lot and back in that day - men didn't really get involved with the kids - I give massive credit to sahp because that's shit is hard and there's no clock off period. MH issues also weren't discussed properly. It's worth discussing this with a councillor over what this did to your value system.

Re your gaslighting DH. Your mental health issues won't effect the custody of the kids if it's in control and you have doctors that can back that up. That said most courts wouldn't allow him to go for 100% or nothing, it's usually around 50/50 mark. But again if you do have the kids you can't force him to be a active parent.

And I would argue would you want him to be a active parent ? He sounds like he puts you down a lot and do you want your relationship to be the blueprint for your kids ?

You deserve more. I know you don't think you do right now but I promise you, being a single parent is hard but it's not as hard as being married to a guy like your dh. Promise you that.

Op the thing that strikes me from your childhood is that you don't have an example of reasonable leaving. Your dad was too passive and a doormat (sorry to be harsh!) And your mum was unreliable and left willy nilly.

You didn't get a good example of someone drawing a sensible boundary, i.e leaving a relationship because it was a reasonable thing to do, when seen calmly and logically.

By which I mean, you can leave without becoming your mum. You can leave because you deserve better than this. It doesn't make you a failure at all.

He can barely change a nappy 😂😂😂
he isn’t going to be going for 50 -50
not in this lifetime

that he would step up and be a decent parent is the one thing you don’t have to worry about

What do you actually gain from being with him?
He's selfish disrespectful and nasty
Your PIP is for your needs, not for his wants
He's taking advantage of you, and I don't think he'll change
I guess you could sit down and write a budget with him but he will likely only see what he wants to see.
You and your DC deserve better

Great post @IntheJingelyJangelyJungle

Thank you for making a difference for your female patients.

OP you and your kids deserve so so so much better. You’d get UC to support you financially, and the biggest benefit is you’d just have your 2 kids to care for! You’re already a single parent, all he does is watch them 3h on a Saturday it sounds like?! Genuinely, what a waste of space. Set yourself free!

Your MH which is treated and under care will absolutely not mean he gets the kids. Especially if he brings it up in family court. He's much more likely to get his arse handed to him.

Also he doesn't actually want the kids does he.

This is great!