Furious with DH

[CutiePatooties]

I’m absolutely furious! Not sure if I’m overreacting though…

DH questions EVERYTHING I do. I work Mon-Thurs, then I’m off on Fridays still trying to get work done, plus looking after our one year old. On a Saturday, I’m so exhausted that once I’ve made the girls breakfast and fed/changed baby, I sleep from around 9-12. This is the first thing he moans about- that he’s having to do everything for the baby and has to keep getting up all the time, but I tell him I have a WHOLE DAY with her on a Friday.

If I’m on my phone, he’s asking what I’m doing/who I’m talking to/if something’s wrong etc and it’s every single time. If I go off to another room, he’s asking what I’m up to. If I arrange to go out with a friend (I’ve been out once in 2 years) he gets the hump and says he doesn’t go out, so I tell him to go out and he says he doesn’t want to/has no friends/has no money.

We get a top up of UC and he’s looked on there and said, ‘you get this wage, these tax credits, child benefit and PIP. You should give me more money!’

I explained that I don’t have loads of money to spare - I give him £500, the childminder £500, I’m spending £130 a week on food/toiletries/nappies etc I pay for our eldest daughter’s after school clubs, trips, uniform, both children’s clothes and shoes etc. I pay for my phone, Netflix, any uk break we’ve had (only had 3, but I paid for them all!) anything extra they both need basically. DD has a school disco- I pay. Invited to a party- I buy the prezzie and card. Needs a new PE kit- I pay. Wants to start gymnastics- I pay. I showed him my bank account with £3.28 in it. I showed him my Very account that’s outstanding at £22 for a minimum payment I’ve missed. I also showed him my after school club account that’s outstanding with £10 to pay so these will have to be paid Monday with my £40 child benefit. The Very account I had to open to buy things for the girls’ birthdays and their clothes and after school club is for DD so child benefit gets spent ON THEM as it should do. I also mentioned my PIP is for me - for medication, counselling, taxis to get me to places as I’m too anxious to drive, to buy things to add to my mental health toolkit (I have a sensory and a calming bag) and for DBT books to help me manage my BPD. He called me selfish and said I should be giving him more money. Told me medication is about £10 and I don’t need the other stuff as he needs that money more.

I’ve shut myself in the bedroom as I don’t want to argue in front of the kids but I’m really angry/upset.

Am I right to be angry though?

And can I just say divorce was fantastic for me. 2 days child free every fortnight was absolutely life changing.

I'd suggest (tonight) that he move out asap and he have the kids every other weekend while he gets on his feet elsewhere. A couple of weekends stepping up and he'll leave you the fuck alone.

As if he would get the kids, he barely knows how to look after them!
A judge wouldn't look down on you for having BPD, your managing it, your in control and your a teacher! You are proving how awesome you are on a daily basis. Now all you need to do is get rid of the anchor weighing you down.
What does he pay towards the children? Is he paying half the child care fees?

"Then there’s the fact he’s already said (in a heated argument) that if I divorce him he will get the kids as I have a personality disorder. Then said if he doesn’t get the kids, he’s not going to babysit them at the weekend so I can go out. So either they get taken from me, or if I have them he will refuse to see them. Can’t see a way out."

This is manipulative emotional abuse. It's his way of controlling you. My ex husband would often tell me that I was too fat and ugly and would never find anyone else to love me, that he'd be the only person that could ever love me. He said this repeatedly, every time he got angry...said it so many times that I began to believe him. It's abuse.

Your husband is controlling and emotionally abusive.

There's no way he'd cope being a parent with 100% custody. He doesn't even parent his own children, do you seriously think he'll take you through the courts for full custody? He has zero chance of gaining full-custody. He is literally manipulating you, in order for him to keep his live-in housekeeper and money earner.

Please please please, heed the advice of the many on here...things will never get better. He will never change.

Don't spend time thinking of spending your life alone, just don't. Think of the here and now. You are not happy in this hellish existence. Normal men do not treat their wives like slaves. Your husband is abusing you. Your husband is controlling you. Your husband brings nothing positive to the household.

Please do not be scared of separating. I promise, you will look back and love your freedom. I've broken free from an abusive man. I didn't care if I never met another man, I just needed to be safe and free and that was more rewarding than anything.

Your children will not benefit from you staying together for them. They will see their mother burn out and treated like a piece of shit by their piece of shit father. Please please please break the cycle.

You are enough. You can raise those two beautiful children on your own and rock your teaching career. Close your ears to his manipulation.

I believe in you.

What does this fella bring to your marriage and family life OP?

Apart from a whole lot of stress.

Did he warp here from 1950?

What does he bring to the table?

OP I'm in awe of you, you've done teacher training with two kids, highly stressful kob, are managing your BPD and it sounds like you're doing everything at home? When does he make you lunch? He begrudges you a nap?

Look at entitledto website and put in your details as a single parent, I suspect you ll be better off financially, especially more housing element if renting.

I second the advice about phoning women's aid, as he sounds highly manipulative, and you need to be careful how you get him out. He might turn nasty if it comes from you, does he ever threaten to leave? Could you call his bluff?

If you still any clinicians for your Bpd, please mention his threats re custody, this needs noting somewhere as its abusive, and may help in future to have a record of it.

Lastly - you are not fat and ugly, you sound like lovely hardworking person. It sounds like your life will only get better without him.

To me you sound like a superwoman.

Honestly I think you're more lonely with him than you would be without him. What value does he add to you / your household.

Also he sounds like he's time travelled from 50 years ago with his expectation that wives should make lunches for husbands. WTAF. How old is he? Send him my way and I'll give him a piece of my mind. What an arse.

Utterly useless individual would have no chance getting custody of the children. Funny how he threatens getting custody because you have BPD but for now is more than happy for you to do all the childcare now. If he was that concerned he'd be doing more childcare. Don't worry one bit about that.

I can see how several years of this outrageous behaviour from him could wear you down, but as I said above I can't see how you'd feel any more lonely without him.

Sending love and do remember how amazing you are. X

We live in a society where being single is not highly thought of but honestly I love being a single mum far more than being an unhappily married one. It doesn't sound like a partnership at all, you are already on your own but you have an abusive man child to take car off. LTB.

You are amazing going through your teacher training on top of everything else. It will get easier once you have been qualified a few years and you know longer have an arse hole 'd'h bringing you down.

He will not take your kids, he may well not see them at all. But find yourself a good babysitter, let your friends and family help, and you will be so much happier.

And you think he'll be co-operative?

He sounds a very nasty piece of work

Work out the finances.

Get rid of this lazy shit.

Please don't ever feel like a failure. You sound like an amazing mum and you do so much .
I went to women's aid and they were brilliant. No one will force you to do anything but you can talk over your worries regarding his access to the children.
I live on my own with my daughter and I just feel so much happier. Yes, I have a lot to do but at least I'm not doing everything for an extra adult on top.
I'm over weight but really it's not something you should worry about. Also maybe not being in a relationship for a while would be good for you. I know I will be single now for quite a while ( my elderly mum lives with me too) but you know I really love it. Take care and try and talk to someone if you can xxx

When I was an nqt it was so stressful I often wouldn't have time to cook dinner and my housemates would help me out by cooking for me. People that I barely knew were more caring than your husband. LTB there are good people out there and he's not one.

He doesnt want the kids! They never fucking do! They all totally miss the irony of threatening to take the kids full time that they bitch about spending 2 hours alone with!

Its just a threat that he thinks will make you cave. Next time he threatens it say "Ok, if thats what you think is best for the kids. By the way, their washing needs doing so I will leave that with you shall I if you want to be their primary carer?"

He sounds lazy, sexist, entitled and no way would I open a joint account with him. If you are doing the bulk of the childcare and paying the childminder that is what the tax credits are for. If you are giving him £500 towards bills( how much are they?) and paying a CM £500 how much of your wage do you keep for yourself? The PIP is for you to help with your disability.

Loads of men do childcare, cook and do housework etc. he is just lazy.

As you rent, why don't you yank to the ll about removing him from the tenancy?
Get shot of him and get UC to cover some of the rent.

Get onto to women's aid to get the ball rolling on an occupational order.

He can't afford a solicitor as legal aid is only given in cases of dv these days.

He's a nasty fucker and trying to take more money is financial abuse.

@CutiePatooties does your husband pay the other half of the childcare fees or are you paying for the full amount? If the latter, why is he not paying his share of the childcare fees for his own children?

So what does he do? I mean what hours does he work/when does he take care of the kids??
You've laid out exactly what you do, and I'm struggling to see how he contributes to family life, other than complaining about supervising the kids for 3 hours on a Saturday morning.
You'd be better off staying at work to do your marking etc so he can't interrupt. If that means you get home later, that's his problem (presuming he's not working).
If it were me I'd tell him to do one and find a babysitter for the Saturday morning as that seems to be the sum total of his efforts, it'd be a hell of a lot cheaper than giving him all your money!

Oh, and he's lying. Your bpd will not stop you from having the kids.
Given how little he does with/for them I highly doubt he would actually want even 50/50 childcare. He's just saying those things to keep you with him. He knows he isn't doing his part so he wants to manipulate you into thinking you can't manage without him.
You deserve so so much more. And so do the kids.

Oh for the love of God. Another man who believes he isn't 50% responsible for his own children. Why in 2023 are we still dealing with this bullshit?

Because we allow it. OP your posts seriously give me the rage that this man who is supposed to be there to make your life better is doing the precise opposite. What exactly Is he bringing to your life. Fuck all.

All he is doing is making your life harder, by manipulating, controlling, belittling and making you believe that his micro attempts at parenting are enough that you should be grateful?

Fuck that noise. If you did kick out this useless lead weight for one, he'd either have to PARENT his own children a hell of a lot more or, pay a lot more money to support them.

This is NOT normal, or even remotely acceptable. Good husband's are supportive of their partners and parent their children equally. He isn't doing either.

There's nothing to fear about being alone. Nothing. Freedom from being in a shirty abusive relationship where you're being manipulated and taken advantage of is the reality and he knows it, which is why he gaslights you into believing he'd get custody of the kids (as if)

People never don't realise they're shit parents, partners or taking advantage of the person they're supposed to love. They just don't care. No amount of talking, household task charts or anything else will work because they don't care. Let that sink in.

You sound lovely OP. Please for the love of God kick out this useless abusive cocklodger before he destroys what is left of your self esteem and also shows your children this is acceptable.behaviour.

You're already doing everything, plus being abused in the process. Lighten your load by removing the useless husband from the equation. Trust me, I've been there.

You think you’re not a catch op? He’s the equivalent of getting a used condom on your hook

I understand how scary it must seem being single but as a long time single woman you’re living my nightmare. I honestly think I’d end up poisoning him like in Agatha Christie. You haven’t listed one redeeming feature yet.

@ReadingSoManyThreads I have to pay for the childcare, as during my maternity leave we discussed whether I should go back to work and he said that we’d be better off if I quit working and we claimed UC for me. I told him to do that instead and he said no, if you want to go back to work instead of looking after your own child, then fine, but I’m not paying towards having her left with a stranger. I do get a portion of the cost back, but that’s what started the argument. He noticed I got a portion back, so said I should give more to him towards rent and bills. So I told him, I still have the same amount coming in each month and the £500 still comes out each month, so it’s not like I have that as extra money. To which he said, ‘you don’t pay her for August so you have that as spare cash.’ Except I do pay her for August! She spreads the cost over the year, so she can continue to pay her staff! I’m sure he thinks I’m lying and I’m living a secret lavish lifestyle somewhere.

He works 9-5 Mon-Thurs, then 9-3.30 Fridays. He works in a factory, so when he leaves work he’s finished - no bringing any work home with him.

I’m also a bit peeved that I bought everything for our home - sofa, dining table, TV, cabinets, nursery furniture, DD1’s bed, chest of drawers, computer and desk etc, as I said I pay childcare, uniform, clothes, all bits when baby came along- pram, car seat, toys, clothes, bottles, steriliser, mobile, sit-me-up, bouncer, swing etc. DD1’s had two proper birthday parties at £200 each (I paid for everything). Every birthday I buy the presents, cakes, decorations etc. Every Christmas I buy their presents, pay for Santa visits. I’ve paid for us to go away 3 times as a family. Even on mine and his birthdays I pay for us to go somewhere. Well I did and then it got depressing. Last year when we went to a spa day that set me back £200 and I saw him sat in his robe picking at the afternoon tea and I thought, ‘it’s my birthday today and yet I’ve paid for him to have that.’ It just built up resentment. So I’m willing to make a list and split it exactly down the middle, but it’s funny how this is coming up after I’ve already bought some major items that won’t be coming up again any time soon as an expense. I also know what he’s like re birthdays and going away to places etc - he will say he’s not paying for those things, as they’re not a necessity. Probably still refuse to pay childcare as he didn’t want me working in the first place. So I’ll still be left paying for these things on top, just as I am now.

He does drive me to work and come and pick me up as I’m anxious about driving. When we have gone away, he’s driven us there. He did put up with my BPD when it was worse before I was diagnosed and treated and stood by me while I went for assessments etc. He was more involved with DD1 and used to have her over the weekend while I worked a weekend job. Used to have her on days I went to uni etc. So I think he definitely has changed - perhaps he is depressed. He has an older DD who he hasn’t seen for over a year and he used to tell me he’s trying to see her but she’s always busy. I think the fact she’s changed her surname to her step-dad’s on social media, suggests otherwise.

I’ve just worked out half of rent and bills and it comes to £650 each. I told him if we are splitting that in half then we’ll have to split the childcare, birthdays, Christmases, clothes, uniform, EVERYTHING. He said he can’t do that as he’s paying back a credit card and loan that comes to £500 a month!!!! I had no idea about this and he’s just told me he’s in arrears with the bills as he hasn’t been paying them, he’s been paying off this £500 instead - so that’s where my £500 has been going! I’m absolutely devastated. He won’t tell me how much he’s borrowed or what the money has gone on etc. Posters who have said this isn’t a partnership are 100% right and I think I should get out - at least I’d know the bills were being paid if I was in control of it. However, I do have abandonment issues and I do fear being alone. He has made me feel like I need him and that I’d end up in a bad way (like I was before I got diagnosed and treated) if I was on my own etc. Just can’t stop crying.

Oh my love. This is dreadful. I’m guessing you have broken up for summer now? How is is all looking for next school year? As the years go on and you get more experienced the work load does get easier. But he won’t stop being a controlling arse.

Do you have anyone you can contact? I can find the school holidays rather lonely at times. I get on well with all my colleagues and find the sudden absence of daily companionship difficult.

You know you need to leave. But you need support.

It sounds like you've gotten closer to the nub of it, he wants more money from you so that in addition to what you cover now you also pay towards his debt.

This is no way to live, it's no example to set for your children and you deserve better.

You don't need him, in fact he'd be up shit creek without you. He's a parasite feeding off your insecurities and making you feel bad about yourself, surely being alone would be better than being with this awful excuse for a man.

He isn't a partner. He isn't a father either. He's a waste of space. He's a manipulator. He's financially abusive and I'm also suggesting he's a liar. £500 in credit card debt a month is a huge debt. I pay £72 a month on 3k with a 21% Apr. Unless he's been getting pay day loans at ridiculous interest rates. I think you need to leave him. You can't trust him and he brings nothing to the table. It might impact on your MH in the short term but you know how to access support and get well. You did that. He might have been there but you did the work. I think staying with him will he hugely detrimental in the long run.

You are forcing your children,who you should protect,to listen to the arguements,to live in an unhappy environment and to grow up thinking this is normal.Do you want this for your girls?the answer,is hopefully ,no.then you must do something about it and make plans to break up and show your dc that as a woman you are strong,independent and that you put them first.