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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be furious FIL called my son a burden at my own wedding?

145 replies

IAmBreathing · 22/07/2023 17:50

I have recently separated from H after 12 years (cohabited for 10 years, Married for 8 years). I have a son from a previous relationship who is 16 and who got on well with H.

Separation was initiated by H, totally out of the blue. I had thought we were very happily married. We have begun divorce proceedings.

I have today been told by my uncle, who I trust and who was fond of H that at our wedding my FIL told him he was disappointed that H married someone with so much baggage. Apparently FIL thought my uncle was someone else when he said it, and as they hadn't met before that is feasible.

I feel so hurt that he would talk about my son like that especially at our wedding. I often felt that my H's family were mean spirited towards my son, judged him harshly, didn't properly consider him and ignored him a lot of the time. We holidayed a lot as an extended family (H's choice) and this was especially apparent when on holiday. I felt he was in the way at times and as he got older I often felt hurt by the lack of feeling towards him despite him making every effort to fit in and meet their approval. H told me it was in my imagination, I was oversensitive and overprotective.

I feel really tempted to tell H how sad and upset this has made me but I know it's pointless.

After H left he only contacted my son once by text which he found really hurtful as he trusted and loved H and thought he was valued as a stepson. H's family haven't got in touch with my son at all. I realise that over time their relationship would have waned but I didn't think they would drop him instantly.

OP posts:
Original poster
IAmBreathing · 23/07/2023 05:22

CheekyHobson · 23/07/2023 00:31

When he refused the counselling and started pleading "anxiety" again (oh poor me, I'm doing something really shitty but back off, feel sorry for me, poor me, you can't get angry, I've got anxiety!) it just confirmed he's checked out.

YUP. Very characteristic of shallow/entitled guys like this to reel off a laundry list of general complaints, but if you actually want to sit down and discuss the reasonability of the complaints or attempt to resolve them in front of a neutral third party, they suddenly become frantically resistant and run away.

They can’t bear the possibility that they might be forced to confront the shallowness and unreasonability of their feelings. Either your ex is a pretty horrible man or he’s hiding the real reason for his sudden departure (or both) but it’s unlikely there is any substantial validity in his list of problems with you.

I was taken aback by his attitude in the counselling session because he was so closed and resistant. Either he had already decided not to engage or he didn't want to lift the lid on himself- or both.

OP posts:
Beachside82 · 23/07/2023 06:21

you feel this fury 12 years after this man and his family is out of your son’s life.

op brace yourself for your son expressing his “fury” towards you, his mother terribly letting him down for the massive majority of his childhood by not being his advocate.

Aprilx · 23/07/2023 06:51

Jazz4823 · 22/07/2023 19:12

How could anyone live with, help bring up and form a bond with a child from the age of 4(?) and then walk out and not speak to them?!
You have to be a very special type of selfish, cruel bastard to do that.
You are better off without him and the rest of the people he calls family.
Family love is unconditional, they are not your family. You and your son deserve more, he will be better off without that influence in his life and you sound like you're doing a great job .
All you can do is offer him as much support as possible, be honest and listen to him if he needs to talk - which I'm sure you're doing already.
And don't hesitate to talk to someone yourself, it must be incredibly hurtful to hear people have said such horrible things.

I honestly have come to the view that the step parent / child relationship only exists for the duration of the adult relationship. I had a friend who met somebody when her child was six months old, they got married and spent a good 25 years together. Then they split up and he had nothing further to do with the child that was not his. I have a different friend who married a man with a couple of kids, again after they split up, she didn’t stay in contact with his kids.

Jujubes5 · 23/07/2023 06:59

Your childrearing would be influenced by your own parents and possibly that wasn't the best.
Ex and his family sound dire. You are really lucky to have got rid of them. Now you can fully support DS into adulthood.
I would explain to DS that you feel they treated him badly and are very sorry you didn't stand up to them more but he is a lovely son and you are very proud of him and looking forward to the future years of parenting him.

Babsexxx · 23/07/2023 07:04

Understand this op, I’m going to put this as politely as I possibly can.

You are you blame too it’s high time you focus on your son you recognised there coldness towards him and let it continue for x amount of years! You where as his mother suppose to protect him from this shit.

You didn’t you did a worse job than your fil’s shitty verbal diarrhoea……

malificent7 · 23/07/2023 07:23

Well some of the answers on here!
No step parents don't have to have feelings for step children but to teach them like a burden...unacceptable. What cunts.

malificent7 · 23/07/2023 07:26

I also know men who split from the mum and fell out with her but still have contact with the step kids...as they are not horrible to children.

Beachside82 · 23/07/2023 08:07

malificent7 · 23/07/2023 07:23

Well some of the answers on here!
No step parents don't have to have feelings for step children but to teach them like a burden...unacceptable. What cunts.

But the actual parent in this scenario was perfectly content to stay with someone who behaved in this way. That’s the kicker to me

NigellaAwesome · 23/07/2023 08:56

It sounds like PILs had been dripping poison in his ears for years.

His list of 'reasons' is completely petty and sound manufactured.

What a shitty way to behave, especially to your lovely DS just before his GCSEs, but they sound like an utterly toxic bunch and you are well rid.

If he has left personal papers behind then use this to your advantage and take copies of any financial information.

Be aware that your DS may well need some counselling, if not now, then in the future. You have said nothing about his biological Dad, but it is possible he could internalise the behaviour of your H and his family and feel that there is something wrong with him, that 2 Dads and GPs haven't been able to stay around for him etc.

Justleaveitblankthen · 23/07/2023 09:25

Ah this makes me sad to think of your son on some level realising that he wasn't favoured 😔
What horrible people.

I don't think your uncle was being malicious at all. I have friends and family members who do this.
One friend through alcohol and the family member as I think he may be on the spectrum.
He has other traits. For example, he told me that our Aunt said she feels nothing towards me, as I was born after she had emigrated.
Sure enough, she left all her money to my full blood older Siblings (miserable cow) 🤬
You are both better off without such a cold and nasty family. Flowers

Original poster
IAmBreathing · 23/07/2023 10:40

ArcticSkewer · 22/07/2023 19:57

This is why, on other threads people say that step children shouldn't be lied to and told that their step families think they are as close as biological relatives. In a divorce or separation, the truth is instantly revealed.

I'm sorry it's happened this way for your son. It's brutal. At least he no longer has to share a life with someone who doesn't value him as a person.

I don't think that step children / grandchildren are generally loved in the same was a biological ones. I agree that is unrealistic in most cases and that pretending otherwise is disingenuous.

I think FIL describing my son as baggage and H ghosting him instantly and totally is horrible and I expected different from both of them. I didn't anticipate that H would ever treat him like that if our marriage ended. I also didn't think he would necessarily want to keep DS in his life in the future but I did expect some level of kindness and communication at the initial stages.

OP posts:
Beachside82 · 23/07/2023 12:15

IAmBreathing · 23/07/2023 05:22

I was taken aback by his attitude in the counselling session because he was so closed and resistant. Either he had already decided not to engage or he didn't want to lift the lid on himself- or both.

Show quote history

Just the one session?

Beachside82 · 23/07/2023 12:18

I didn't anticipate that H would ever treat him like that if our marriage ended
really? Because from your OP - it’s very evident that he behaved poorly towards your son throughout this shit show of 12 years your son endured this

Original poster
IAmBreathing · 23/07/2023 12:22

Yes one session which we struggled through. Then he arrived at the second session and announced he didn't want to carry on.

OP posts:
Beachside82 · 23/07/2023 12:26

I’d suggest you line up some therapy for you and your son together

so your son has a space to express his hurt and anger about the last 12 years

otherwise this will creep up on him over the years and likely catastrophically impact his relationship with you as the anger embeds at how let down he was

Mari9999 · 23/07/2023 12:28

@IAmBreathing
Why would you have expected in the end some care or concern that they never demonstrated at any point during your marriage?

You never mention your son 's biological father. Perhaps he is deceased , but if not,it is likely that your son's disappointment with father figures began long before this family came into his life.

Rear your son to be a man different from those that seemingly have been a part of his life.If your family has been loving and constant in his life , he has a supportive network and he will be fine.

aurorauk · 23/07/2023 12:28

To be fair a lot of guys view kids as a burden and I guess this is just another example of how rude and unpleasant they can be. He probably genuinely thinks he's a burden, too. Nice

whatstheagendatoday · 23/07/2023 21:41

As an aside, though, as a step parent I have to say if I split with my DP, I wouldn't want to continue contact with my DSS, for so many reasons.

You're not the norm though asofanearyou, I've read some of your old posts. You're a regular on the stepparenting board advising everyone that loving stepchildren is not normal, best to be detached to be an 'aunt' , but you don't even like yours, don't want photos of him even in your home and that's apparently very normal etcetera. Your relationship with your DSS is not the same as this ops son and his sd whom he raised. So don't project please and op, take this with a grain of salt, it's absolutely not normal.

aSofaNearYou · 23/07/2023 21:56

whatstheagendatoday · 23/07/2023 21:41

As an aside, though, as a step parent I have to say if I split with my DP, I wouldn't want to continue contact with my DSS, for so many reasons.

You're not the norm though asofanearyou, I've read some of your old posts. You're a regular on the stepparenting board advising everyone that loving stepchildren is not normal, best to be detached to be an 'aunt' , but you don't even like yours, don't want photos of him even in your home and that's apparently very normal etcetera. Your relationship with your DSS is not the same as this ops son and his sd whom he raised. So don't project please and op, take this with a grain of salt, it's absolutely not normal.

Oh please, are you the poster that has followed me around saying these things before? Half of it isn't even true - the picture thing is not something I've ever said and not true, and I've never said it's not normal to love your step child, I have very clearly always said that it is also normal to not love them. Completely different, stop dragging me into your bias.

I'm on the same step parenting board you've seen - I'm well aware my views are very normal.

Nettie1964 · 03/05/2024 13:17

chesterelly1 · 22/07/2023 18:31

Well lucky you, the trash took itself out and saved you a job. You are well rid by the sounds of things. Start focusing on a future for you and DS without STBX and his family. I think your uncle probably told you to try and demonstrate you are better off without them. Other friends or family will no doubt have similar tales or opinions. It's up to you whether you listen or you can shut them down by saying you want to leave it in the past.

This. dont dwell on them i know its hard but they sound horrible. You will be labelled crazy. Just move on.

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