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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be furious FIL called my son a burden at my own wedding?

145 replies

IAmBreathing · 22/07/2023 17:50

I have recently separated from H after 12 years (cohabited for 10 years, Married for 8 years). I have a son from a previous relationship who is 16 and who got on well with H.

Separation was initiated by H, totally out of the blue. I had thought we were very happily married. We have begun divorce proceedings.

I have today been told by my uncle, who I trust and who was fond of H that at our wedding my FIL told him he was disappointed that H married someone with so much baggage. Apparently FIL thought my uncle was someone else when he said it, and as they hadn't met before that is feasible.

I feel so hurt that he would talk about my son like that especially at our wedding. I often felt that my H's family were mean spirited towards my son, judged him harshly, didn't properly consider him and ignored him a lot of the time. We holidayed a lot as an extended family (H's choice) and this was especially apparent when on holiday. I felt he was in the way at times and as he got older I often felt hurt by the lack of feeling towards him despite him making every effort to fit in and meet their approval. H told me it was in my imagination, I was oversensitive and overprotective.

I feel really tempted to tell H how sad and upset this has made me but I know it's pointless.

After H left he only contacted my son once by text which he found really hurtful as he trusted and loved H and thought he was valued as a stepson. H's family haven't got in touch with my son at all. I realise that over time their relationship would have waned but I didn't think they would drop him instantly.

OP posts:
Americano75 · 22/07/2023 17:55

What a bunch of cunts. You and your boy deserve better.

Poppyseed14 · 22/07/2023 17:58

Aw OP. You would have been better not knowing this after all this time 😔 why on earth did he have to tell you now? So sorry. Sounds like you and your boy are better off without the lot of them x

Original poster
IAmBreathing · 22/07/2023 18:01

@Poppyseed14 I did wonder that myself. I was telling my uncle how hurt I've felt that H's family have turned their back instantly on my son and I, and that I've been surprised to find that in hindsight some mutual friends had shared that they thought they were quite an unkind family in general. I think my uncle was trying to back up my thoughts but I agree it would have been better not to say anything as I'm feeling hurt and really guilty that i didn't have my son's back more.

OP posts:
Jongleterre · 22/07/2023 18:04

Uncle should not have told you that.

People that tell you stuff like that often have their own malicious agenda.

It sounds like your ex husband to be and his family are ruthless people and sadly the emotions of a teenager are not their concern.

It's horrible for you and your son but only a temporary loss as you will both come to realise that you are better off without any of them.

Tell Uncle that you don't want to hear any more revelations as they are hurtful and you don't want to know.

TimeToMoveIt · 22/07/2023 18:06

Yeah my ex did the same. Dropped them instantly . My eldest occasionally sees him now when he comes over to visit (he moved abroad) but that's just to make sure his brothers are OK when their dad has them

My 20 year old, who was 15 when we split doesn't bother with him at all

pikkumyy77 · 22/07/2023 18:08

I think, if I were you, I would forgive my uncle and friends for revealing to you now that they had doubts all along, or saw red flags all along. Now that your H has walked out on you a lot of your family and friends are going to be revisiting their experience of this horrid man and his family (your H and your ex in laws). Its a natural part of human relationships to revisit and rethink old incidents to better understand them or to understand them in light of new developments.

Original poster
IAmBreathing · 22/07/2023 18:12

pikkumyy77 · 22/07/2023 18:08

I think, if I were you, I would forgive my uncle and friends for revealing to you now that they had doubts all along, or saw red flags all along. Now that your H has walked out on you a lot of your family and friends are going to be revisiting their experience of this horrid man and his family (your H and your ex in laws). Its a natural part of human relationships to revisit and rethink old incidents to better understand them or to understand them in light of new developments.

I agree @pikkumyy77. It was hard to hear and I'm hurt but uncle was trying to provide some context ti explain their actions which have baffled me.

OP posts:
Original poster
IAmBreathing · 22/07/2023 18:13

I am really struggling with wanting to tell H and his family how unkind they have been. I know no good can come if it but I can't shift feeling I need to say something.

OP posts:
smilesup · 22/07/2023 18:15

I would talk to your DS about it openly. Talk about how H wasn't the man you thought he was and how he has treated you both badly. Tell him you are proud that he is such a better kind of person.

smilesup · 22/07/2023 18:17

I would grey rock H and his twathead family. Have you kids together? If not that will be easier. They are not important any more.

10HailMarys · 22/07/2023 18:17

I think the issue here is the fact that your ex husband has just dropped his stepson without a second’s thought, not something your ex FIL said an extended family member eight years ago.

Not really sure why you kept agreeing to go on holiday with your ex’s family if they treated your son like that.

Topee · 22/07/2023 18:19

Given how they’ve treated your Son over the years I’m surprised you’re surprised.

Original poster
IAmBreathing · 22/07/2023 18:19

Thank you @smilesup. I carry so much guilt that I haven't had the confidence to listen to my intuition over the years which was telling me DS was being treated as an inferior part of the family. As he got older and began to express his thoughts and feelings I could see he was often disregarded but H said I needed to show DS that he couldn't always have or do what he wanted.

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 22/07/2023 18:20

I really feel for you OP. Same situation here. My husband of 20 years seemed to be a great dad to my son from an earlier marriage and they were close. When my H ran off with another woman he completely ghosted me and my son. He didn't even say goodbye to DS who was extremely upset. I'll never forgive him for this.

Original poster
IAmBreathing · 22/07/2023 18:21

smilesup · 22/07/2023 18:17

I would grey rock H and his twathead family. Have you kids together? If not that will be easier. They are not important any more.

No children with H. Grey rock is a good idea but TBH none of them have been in touch or expressed any interest or concern since H walked out (to live with them) in March.

OP posts:
viques · 22/07/2023 18:22

I think your uncle was right to tell you. At least now you, and your son, know that trying to maintain any sort of relationship with your ex’s husband for your son’s sake is a fruitless exercise. You and your son have done nothing wrong, except link yourself to a family of very nasty and spiteful people. Luckily those days are finished, you and your son know that you deserve better people to call family and can move on.

Gettingbysomehow · 22/07/2023 18:23

Personally I'd be telling them they are worthless shit lords for treating a child in this way and you're overjoyed you never have to see any of them again.

viques · 22/07/2023 18:23

Sorry, ex’s family!

Spidey66 · 22/07/2023 18:24

I'm a bit confused by the time line. You were together 12 years, cohabiting 10 years, married 8? That looks like you with him 18 years.

crazeekat · 22/07/2023 18:25

i think u have had a lucky escape, and ur son's self esteem now needs to flourish so he doesn't feel inferior to other people for anything, that family are assholes, u have dodged a bullet there. boost ur son and let him know that he is the world to u and that is all that matters x

Original poster
IAmBreathing · 22/07/2023 18:25

10HailMarys · 22/07/2023 18:17

I think the issue here is the fact that your ex husband has just dropped his stepson without a second’s thought, not something your ex FIL said an extended family member eight years ago.

Not really sure why you kept agreeing to go on holiday with your ex’s family if they treated your son like that.

You're right, H completely ignoring my son after walking out is the main issue. I guess FIL's comment was an extra slap in the face as it indicates their feelings from the start.

I didn't enjoy the holidays and found them very upsetting. H always wanted to holiday as an extended family. We managed a few holidays without them but not many. H has told me one of the reasons he fell out of love with me was that I didn't want to be with his family as much as he did. He said I had damaged their bond.

He said I didn't understand as my own family of birth are more fractured and we don't get on well enough to spend holidays together (a day or so is plenty for us).

OP posts:
Original poster
IAmBreathing · 22/07/2023 18:27

Spidey66 · 22/07/2023 18:24

I'm a bit confused by the time line. You were together 12 years, cohabiting 10 years, married 8? That looks like you with him 18 years.

Sorry, we cohabited for 2 years then got married and were married for 8 years.

OP posts:
Simonjt · 22/07/2023 18:27

Eurgh, what a vile man. My husbands mother referred to our son in a similar way, unfortunately she said it my husband who told her to go and fuck herself.

GoingGoingUp · 22/07/2023 18:27

I get the impression your uncle told you, not to hurt you but to explain that their behaviour is not surprising. Bear in mind he didn’t tell you for 8 years and only told you after you were telling him how hurt you feel.

chesterelly1 · 22/07/2023 18:31

Well lucky you, the trash took itself out and saved you a job. You are well rid by the sounds of things. Start focusing on a future for you and DS without STBX and his family. I think your uncle probably told you to try and demonstrate you are better off without them. Other friends or family will no doubt have similar tales or opinions. It's up to you whether you listen or you can shut them down by saying you want to leave it in the past.