AIBU to be furious FIL called my son a burden at my own wedding?

[IAmBreathing]

I have recently separated from H after 12 years (cohabited for 10 years, Married for 8 years). I have a son from a previous relationship who is 16 and who got on well with H.

Separation was initiated by H, totally out of the blue. I had thought we were very happily married. We have begun divorce proceedings.

I have today been told by my uncle, who I trust and who was fond of H that at our wedding my FIL told him he was disappointed that H married someone with so much baggage. Apparently FIL thought my uncle was someone else when he said it, and as they hadn't met before that is feasible.

I feel so hurt that he would talk about my son like that especially at our wedding. I often felt that my H's family were mean spirited towards my son, judged him harshly, didn't properly consider him and ignored him a lot of the time. We holidayed a lot as an extended family (H's choice) and this was especially apparent when on holiday. I felt he was in the way at times and as he got older I often felt hurt by the lack of feeling towards him despite him making every effort to fit in and meet their approval. H told me it was in my imagination, I was oversensitive and overprotective.

I feel really tempted to tell H how sad and upset this has made me but I know it's pointless.

After H left he only contacted my son once by text which he found really hurtful as he trusted and loved H and thought he was valued as a stepson. H's family haven't got in touch with my son at all. I realise that over time their relationship would have waned but I didn't think they would drop him instantly.

I think your uncle did you a favour. You now know what ex FIL really thought and what the rest of the family did too no doubt. You also now know your suspicions over their treatment of your son were justified and it wasn’t a figment of your imagination.
cunts the lot of them.

She was with him 12 years in total
Dated him for 2 years.
They then moved in together
2 years after living together they married
They divorced 8 years after that (recently). Her son from former relationship is now 16. He was around 4 when they met and 6 when they moved in together and 8 when they married and FIL called him baggage. After 8 years of being his legal step dad he's left mum and sent 1 text. That's it. Just walked.

I am sorry your OH’s family weren’t nicer to him.

There’s no point mentioning this to your ex now - it’s really important that you focus on the future with him for the sake of your younger kids.

Did he have any children?

Oh sorry - I see you don’t have kids with him.

I still think you need to focus on the future though, I don’t think there’s any point bringing it up.

What was he like as a husband for the past 8/10 years OP?

Well your son is likely to be better away from that mean spirited family.

In short

your fury is too little, too late and directed at the wrong person

... and ignore any past or future comments here from bitter stepparents who think this is normal. It's absolutely not normal and stepparents who say tgis will say do so to normalise their own unloving behaviours. Most stepparents in real life are loving and caring people working hard to have a blended family. I do love my stepchildren and for me they're no different than my own biological children. If I didn't I would divorce. Treating stepchildren, especially ones you lived a long time with, you raised, especially children, as second class citizens and normalising this is cunty behaviour.

How could anyone live with, help bring up and form a bond with a child from the age of 4(?) and then walk out and not speak to them?!
You have to be a very special type of selfish, cruel bastard to do that.
You are better off without him and the rest of the people he calls family.
Family love is unconditional, they are not your family. You and your son deserve more, he will be better off without that influence in his life and you sound like you're doing a great job .
All you can do is offer him as much support as possible, be honest and listen to him if he needs to talk - which I'm sure you're doing already.
And don't hesitate to talk to someone yourself, it must be incredibly hurtful to hear people have said such horrible things.

The first response nailed it. ExH is a cunt and so is his dad.
I'm so sorry for your son who has had this twat of a man as his "dad" for 10 years. It is time to step up now. Put your son first, trust your instincts. You are enough for him - one good parent to have his back is better than an extended step family excluding him and having his mum doubting herself.
ExH and his family are the losers here.

I think your ex sounds so cold and callous, almost unbelievably so. But the original subject of your post, a comment the FIL made at the wedding....well it isn't great at all obviously and clearly he shouldn't have shared it with a stranger but to be honest, I would prefer ALL THINGS BEING EQUAL if my children married people who didn't already have children. For exactly the kind of scenarios which so often seem to arise of divided loyalties, some children being treated as lesser, bonds being formed which are dependent on a couple staying together, etc. It can be wonderful but it can also be messy and tough and can most definitely end in tears. I know of plenty of cases where in-laws did everything right, formed attachment to step grandchildren, nieces, nephews etc only to lose that when a couple breaks up. The inlaws sound unpleasant but your main issue surely is with the horrible ex

@IAmBreathing when my XH decided he wanted a divorce, I was effectively dead to my MIL from that point. FIL was a bit better, but MIL was awful e.g. sending Christmas cards addressed only to DD, refusing to make eye contact / speak to me on the rare occasions they collected DD to take her somewhere. MIL also started treating DD like a Mudblood, an inferior grandchild because of my genes.

I bore with it for a while, then wrote her a letter detailing exactly what a cow she was being, and why I was delighted never to have to see her, or her side of the family, ever again. I may also have returned some Christmas tree decorations that I didn't want hanging from my tree ever again. Zero regrets about doing this, and I feel completely happy with my decision. Since then, I've only seen her once and she was clearly on her best behaviour. So I say, if it would make you feel better, then go for it.

This is why, on other threads people say that step children shouldn't be lied to and told that their step families think they are as close as biological relatives. In a divorce or separation, the truth is instantly revealed.

I'm sorry it's happened this way for your son. It's brutal. At least he no longer has to share a life with someone who doesn't value him as a person.

They're awful people. You're both better if without them.

Wouldnt most people, if they are honest, prefer that their son /daughter did not marry someone with baggage

Possibly yes but you keep it to yourself, keep your nose out of their business and hope that they can all make a go of it and maybe help if you're asked.

That is true.
People get very incensed about feelings for children, but children are just people after all. There is no reason that they have or should be loved by others.

And no unique morality that says not doing so is vile. There are many morality systems in the world.

By the same token cultures where their morality is that adult children take care 100% of parents in their old could call those in western countries who might also use carers or nursing homes disgusting.

There are many morality systems in the world.

*in their old age

I will reply properly later but I wanted to clarify that I totally accept that stepparents and grandparents generally don't love their stepchildren or stepgrandchildren in the same way as their biological children.

I think that is normal and things can be much easier if that is acknowledged.

But that wasn't what has been happening. It's way more than that.

It's also brave and honest for people to admit they would rather that their children didn't marry someone with children. Fair enough. However H and I were 43 when we got married. He had not been married or cohabited before (I know I know) so the chance was that if he got married that person would have children.

As an aside H has a severely disabled brother a few years our junior. We would have become his primary carers along with my SIL's family when his parents couldn't care for him due to age. It has occurred to me this evening that there is a degree of double standards in this. I love his brother dearly, never resented him needing our support for a moment and considered him fully in all our decisions. I'm grieving loosing him as my BiL and that is in stark contrast to H's attitude forwards my son.

It doesn't sound like any of them ever saw or treated your son like family. Not even your ex. Your son always was just a presence your ex had to accept so he could have you. His current behaviour is no surprise. It's just a shame that you never realised your son deserved better than this at the start.

@IAmBreathing
You are in the process of divorcing, the ties will be severed . Many families , if given a choice, would probably prefer that their son or daughter marry someone without children or any type of baggage from a previous marriage or relationship. Hoping that your child begins a marriage with a totally clean slate is neither mean spirited or selfish, nor does it speak to any kind of bias. Most of us simply want the best for our children and we tend to think of them creating a life with as little potential for conflict or discord as possible.

Parents ,however, realize that ultimately the choice of a partner is up to their child, and most accept the decision with quiet grace.

You are ending this relationship. There is nothing to be gained from reliving the past with a man who no longer wants to be with you or with your son.

Going forward be aware that people have all kinds of views and definitions of family. Don't assume that everyone shares your view.

It does nor seem as though your son is losing much in this separation and divorce. That is a good thing. He may have been polite to your husband's family, but it does not seem as though there was any real emotional investment .
Hopefully, your son has your family and his father's family and has no real need for additional ties.

Leave with your and your son's dignity intact, and don't look back.

As bad as what the uncle said, why did you go ahead and marry a man and marry into a family who always treated your son so badly? Still .you have to live with that decision too.Just cut all contact and put your son first.

That’s horrible. Your poor son.

Yes, your uncle felt for you and wanted to back up your feelings. Don’t shoot the messenger!