AIBU to be furious FIL called my son a burden at my own wedding?

[IAmBreathing]

I have recently separated from H after 12 years (cohabited for 10 years, Married for 8 years). I have a son from a previous relationship who is 16 and who got on well with H.

Separation was initiated by H, totally out of the blue. I had thought we were very happily married. We have begun divorce proceedings.

I have today been told by my uncle, who I trust and who was fond of H that at our wedding my FIL told him he was disappointed that H married someone with so much baggage. Apparently FIL thought my uncle was someone else when he said it, and as they hadn't met before that is feasible.

I feel so hurt that he would talk about my son like that especially at our wedding. I often felt that my H's family were mean spirited towards my son, judged him harshly, didn't properly consider him and ignored him a lot of the time. We holidayed a lot as an extended family (H's choice) and this was especially apparent when on holiday. I felt he was in the way at times and as he got older I often felt hurt by the lack of feeling towards him despite him making every effort to fit in and meet their approval. H told me it was in my imagination, I was oversensitive and overprotective.

I feel really tempted to tell H how sad and upset this has made me but I know it's pointless.

After H left he only contacted my son once by text which he found really hurtful as he trusted and loved H and thought he was valued as a stepson. H's family haven't got in touch with my son at all. I realise that over time their relationship would have waned but I didn't think they would drop him instantly.

OP didn't have baggage. She had a child. It's the ex-husband who had baggage, and unpleasant baggage at that.

I don't think the uncle was shit stirring as let's face it, the shit had already hit the fan. Telling about it after all these years may not have been helpful but it was way too late to be harmful. I imagine he thought it would help OP to come to terms with being abruptly left. It's very likely the family had been leaning on her ex to leave her for years. Well, he's got the stirring end of the stick now: he's still stuck with them, and stuck with being himself. Meanwhile OP has herself and her dear son, and the space and time to re-forge the relationship his step-family damaged. So much better off without the miserable bunch of them.

Thank you for your perspective on maintaining contact with step children if you split with your partner @aSofaNearYou .

Would you mind me asking if you think you would completely cut contact straight away?

I guess that's what has hurt DS and I the most. That H just left. He sent just one text to DS a week later and no one else from the family contacted him at all.

I didn't necessarily expect them to keep in contact into the future although if they wanted to that would have been fine by me. But I did expect something in terms of a kind message, a few checkins, reassurance if possible.

*If he's 50, then his parents are in their 70s at least ... And inheritance etc matters might be looming (that was supposed to say).

It sounds like a combo of not fancying you anymore (sorry to be so blunt, but that's how it comes across from the weight, mustache etc comment ms) and of financial considerations - notable that he's mentioned he thinks you don't earn enough) and frustration/dissatisfaction (not justified/reasonable might I add!) in his role as a step Dad. He sounds Ike he thinks hes entitled to a more authoritative & dominant role.

His family, who were never happy with his choice, are clearly cheer leading it too - he went to his Mum before returning with his list of complaints and grievances.

I feel so hurt that he would talk about my son like that especially at our wedding. I often felt that my H's family were mean spirited towards my son, judged him harshly, didn't properly consider him and ignored him a lot of the time. We holidayed a lot as an extended family (H's choice) and this was especially apparent when on holiday. I felt he was in the way at times and as he got older I often felt hurt by the lack of feeling towards him despite him making every effort to fit in and meet their approval. H told me it was in my imagination, I was oversensitive and overprotective.

I feel really tempted to tell H how sad and upset this has made me but I know it's pointless.

You H is now history. You don't have children together and your relationship is now in the past. He and his family no longer matter.

I think you need to concentrate on your relationship with your son. I'm so sorry that he was treated in such a fashion by your husband and family.

@IAmBreathing It's hard to say as my DSS is younger so we don't text or anything, I imagine if we had a relationship where this was something we did, I would probably send him a goodbye message wishing him well, and would respond if he messaged me further, but that would probably be it.

He does sound like a bit of a twat though, don't get me wrong.

I think it’s pretty nasty and dehumanising to refer to a child as “baggage”. Surprised at the use of this term!

Btw most of his complaints sem completely unreasonable and trumped up.

I do things in the evening when we could be together (yoga, seeing friends occasionally).

How very dare you

I presume, having been together for decade and married for 8 years that you have reasonably ample opportunity to spend time together on other evenings and at other times. So this seems totally unreasonable.

Oh and how can he simultaneously accuse you of preventing him from seeing his family - while accusing you of not spending time with him and prioritising doing other things/seeing other people ..... Why the fk didn't he go see his family when he was at a loose end cause you so selfishly (!) had things to do and people to see some evenings, rather tha sitting with him at home (??!!?)

We don't go to bed at the same time.

And?

Did he think that getting into a relationship with you was like sharing a brain or joining the Borg?

Why would you need to?

Presumably you had sex now and then, so why would it be an issue that you didn't go to bed at exactly the she time. Not many couples do.

The migraines I suffer were impacting life too much meaning he has to do some of the jobs that were mine (both work full time but his hours are much longer).

That's called life, give and take, compromise, kindness, tolerance ......

Things he is clearly lacking.

Trading the whole list, it's abundantly clear why he was single at 42.

And I have to conclude it's a good thing he didn't want to have any kids of his own, because he's a pain in the arse.

I wish that woman who made the thread about getting married in 7 days and her DP not liking how she raises her son would read this.

It sounds like the signs were always there in regard to your son and ex. He thought he should have a say in how your son was raised, you thought he shouldn't. Resentment grew and he's just been collecting more things to use against you.

and was unfairly sensitive in feeling that his family disregarded my son when he was with them.

Right lol.

Except you weren't. It was just inconvenient for him/them that you were noticing he was being treated like a second class citizen .... And how dare you ever refer to it.

What your uncle has told you corroborates your feelings.

@TheoTheopolis23 spot on I think. But all very shallow. He's hardly Brad Pitt himself.

At first I was angry with myself for not wearing makeup, growing older etc but I've realised therein lies madness. I can't stop the clock, I am ok looking and I don't want to be married to someone who makes me fear aging naturally.

Ironically I've lost masses of weight, my sons friends have given me a make up lesson and I'm looking a bit better.

*I have put weight on (typical menopausal change in body shape).

Is he exactly the same looks-wise as when you met and later married, out of interest?

I have stopped him seeing his friends (absolutely false I loved it when he went out, but he hasn't kept in touch with many friends so this was rare).

So his list needed paddes out with outright lies.

And again - why didn't he see his friends during the evening's he's accusing you of not spending with him because you were doing yoga/going out/seeing your friends? Totally contradictory.

Hahaha nope.

He's balder, more grey, rounder and has a pot belly and skinny shoulders.

But I didn't fall in love with him for his looks, he's not particularly attractive TBH and I was ok with him changing.

I hadn't had my hair done for ages and I don't wear any makeup (never have).

So now you're being criticised for not doing things you've never done - even when he met you/married you.

You could pick apart his bullshit list all day ..... And how shitty op that you had to sit and listen to that shite, put on the back foot/ambushed.

When he refused the counselling and started pleading "anxiety" again (oh poor me, I'm doing something really shitty but back off, feel sorry for me, poor me, you can't get angry, I've got anxiety!) it just confirmed he's checked out.

Whether anyone else is involved, who knows.

What a fucking dickhead.

As you say, shallow hal.

His family have never been in favour of your marriage by the sounds of it, that's probably becoming even more crucial as they gave into their 70s and 80s and inheritance issues become sharper ..... He had a full backing from them in checking out of your marriage.

They all sound weird & not nice btw.

But it has meant their son has forgone his marriage, our little family, a step son who loved him and a wife who loved and supported him.

Ah well, at least he will have pots of money 🤷🏻‍♀️

My ex’s list of my “faults” would run surprisingly similarly to that one, at least in theme if not specific details.

I think the gist of it can be summed up as “You have forgotten to remain focused on my needs and desires to the exclusion of all else, and I have a high level of entitlement/expectation around my wife’s physical appearance that is completely out of sync with the natural progress of time and my expectations towards myself.”

When he refused the counselling and started pleading "anxiety" again (oh poor me, I'm doing something really shitty but back off, feel sorry for me, poor me, you can't get angry, I've got anxiety!) it just confirmed he's checked out.

YUP. Very characteristic of shallow/entitled guys like this to reel off a laundry list of general complaints, but if you actually want to sit down and discuss the reasonability of the complaints or attempt to resolve them in front of a neutral third party, they suddenly become frantically resistant and run away.

They can’t bear the possibility that they might be forced to confront the shallowness and unreasonability of their feelings. Either your ex is a pretty horrible man or he’s hiding the real reason for his sudden departure (or both) but it’s unlikely there is any substantial validity in his list of problems with you.

Spot on!