AIBU to be furious FIL called my son a burden at my own wedding?

[IAmBreathing]

I have recently separated from H after 12 years (cohabited for 10 years, Married for 8 years). I have a son from a previous relationship who is 16 and who got on well with H.

Separation was initiated by H, totally out of the blue. I had thought we were very happily married. We have begun divorce proceedings.

I have today been told by my uncle, who I trust and who was fond of H that at our wedding my FIL told him he was disappointed that H married someone with so much baggage. Apparently FIL thought my uncle was someone else when he said it, and as they hadn't met before that is feasible.

I feel so hurt that he would talk about my son like that especially at our wedding. I often felt that my H's family were mean spirited towards my son, judged him harshly, didn't properly consider him and ignored him a lot of the time. We holidayed a lot as an extended family (H's choice) and this was especially apparent when on holiday. I felt he was in the way at times and as he got older I often felt hurt by the lack of feeling towards him despite him making every effort to fit in and meet their approval. H told me it was in my imagination, I was oversensitive and overprotective.

I feel really tempted to tell H how sad and upset this has made me but I know it's pointless.

After H left he only contacted my son once by text which he found really hurtful as he trusted and loved H and thought he was valued as a stepson. H's family haven't got in touch with my son at all. I realise that over time their relationship would have waned but I didn't think they would drop him instantly.

I'm so sorry that you had a similar situation. H only contacted DS once, by text a week after he walked out 8 weeks before his GCSEs.

I have felt so hurt by the way he's treated DS who said he feels abandoned and sad.

I did try to explain to H how unkind he had been and that he could have helped make this easier for DS by not ghosting him but he made out that in his opinion I was being unreasonable and not considering how he was feeling- putting my son first as usual.

Ugh, I should have more belief in my thoughts and have stuck up for DS more.

I really recommend you focus, OP, on your very insightful comment that you ignored your own intuition. It sounds like your H gave a lot of cues that he was not a good person, not loving towards your son, and too heavily enmeshed with his own family. His fantasy of happy married life was not at all compatible to yours. But he seduced and bewildered you sufficiently that you were not able to stand up for yourself or your son. I think there is some work for you to do on behalf of yourself and your son, philosophically and psychologically to understand why you accepted this H when he was not good enough for you.

He sounds like an oddball, frankly. Who on earth wants to holiday with their adult parents when they’ve been married/together with someone for 10 years?! It is not the norm.

When my DD married she brought into our family her then 10 year old SDD. Although she never lived with them she has been a loved and valued member of our family since then and has come to all of our wider family occasions. DD has now spilt from her not so DH but I would have been so disappointed in her if she had also cut contact with her SDD. She still comes to all of our family occasions and I was very relieved to know that she wanted to some and still sees us as family. I just don't understand how people can see children as optional extras to be dumped if the relationship ends or treated differently from other children on the family.

I know exactly how you are feeling and it does hurt. My husband died when our kids were little, all his family (huge) dropped me like a ton of bricks. Its been 19 years now and ive not heard a word from any of them.

Ive told my kids that they are the ones who have lost out, as my kids are lovely young adults now and i'm proud that I have done it myself.

I have imagined saying my piece over the years and it really wouldn't be nice what I have to say, but they would not care and I feel that they would somehow manage to make it my fault.

So i will do the sensible thing and not give them any space in mine or my kids lifes.

They have shown you who they are now, so be thankful you have your lovely son and don't have to deal with the trash anymore as it has took itself out.

I think you’re focusing on the FIL to avoid your own guilt here OP.

You acknowledge that you were aware of their behaviour towards your son and you did nothing about it.

Your son has had over a decade of being treated like a second class citizen; he has not been put first by anyone in his life - his own mother showed him that his feelings were worth less than the family of his mother’s husband.

Enough about what you want to say to your ex in-laws; what are you going to say to your son? How are you going to show him you’ve finally decided to put him first?

OMG. If any man had said that to me, I would have binned immediately. He really expressed that about your son?

I agree @pikkumyy77. My son is and always has been the sunshine of my life and my absolute priority but I haven't listened to my intuition.

He is an only child and I have always been easily influenced by people who imply that I have spoiled or pandered to him. H made me think that was what I was doing but in reality I was just trying to make sure he was considered.

I have started some therapy and will make sure I try to look at this.

I am a people pleaser by nature and am learning how to change. H said I had become 'difficult and opinionated' which I think was very telling be sure what was actually happening was I was learning how to trust myself and stick up for myself.

This. Your actually better without any of them.

I'm a step child and heard similar about me from SF family bunch of arseholes.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune yes. He said that a lot.

Oh God

I didn't think that was that bad?

He meant that all of us have to do things that we don't want to, and that we can't expect to have things our own way all the time. So he wanted to make sure I taught DS that.

Is that not right sometimes albeit balanced with also being able to do what you want at other times?

So now you know that you were right and they are wrong. Tell yourself that, tell your son that. Apologize to your son and explain that you were too easily influenced by them. Tell him that he got the nail on the head with his comments and that clearly he's a far more astute and caring person than any of that family.

Remind yourself that you are right, and see the lack of contact as a blessing which is setting you free from their nasty behavior. You and your son can firmly close the door on all of them, and focus on positive relationships in your lives.

Good grief op

You have much much much bigger fisher to fry atm than this

Tool up for your divorce and stop navel gazing about your EX FIL

Ex H is a knob with bells on. Really sorry you and your boy were treated like this.

And what a horrible little man your uncle is

Presumably they’ve been unkind for 12 years? In which case won’t your husband be fully aware?

That's for a parent to teach, not some resentful interloper.

All you can do now is go forward. Block the assholes. Perhaps some family counseling for you and your son.

The reality is many people do view children in tow as baggage. I don't think that's especially offensive. I also know many people who grow to love those same children and then view them as a bonus. You're FIL probably didn't know (you or) your son that well when you married and probably did view him as baggage. Why he felt the need to share that with a stranger though on your wedding day is beyond me.
I wouldn't expect your FIL to feel ghe same way towards your son as he does his bio grandchildren particularly if they didn't bond as a baby/toddler. In fact I wouldn't expect your ex husband to love them equally either...but i would expect him to treat them fairly and he probably dies live your child.
Does they still have a relationship? Don't worry too much about grandad. I'd imagine now you're separated contact with him will reduce, probably for your younger child too. Soon he'll he old enough to make his own opinions and decide if he wants to bother.

It's a shame, but I don't think he's so out of step with the rest of the world with his feelings. He is of course thoughtless and rude to verbalise this on your wedding of all days!

@Fififo42 no he's not aware because he disagree at every turn and told me I was imagining it and being unreasonable.

The first reply had it right. These people are a bunch of cunts. Your uncle was right to tell you, as it has helped you make sense of what you already believed - that h and his family are a load of mean shits. Don't beat yourself up about not realising this sooner - we don't expect people to be mean and it's natural to give the benefit of the doubt.

You definitely, definitely shouldn't say anything to h or his family about their meanness or their behaviour. They will just consider that you are whinging and nothing good will come of it. If you are drawn into a conversation with him/them, you have 2 choices - firstly grey rock or secondly "thank god we didn't have any joint kids and don't have baggage and we can make a clean break!"

This is very sad op. The best thing you can do now is to not care about him in the slightest, and focus on your son. Talk to him frankly, show him your love and care. Make sure he knows he's loved and he deserves love. Don't even talk to your ex, he doesn't deserve either of you and he'll be a bitter old lonely man in the end.

@Fififo42 eh?

I often felt that my H's family were mean spirited towards my son, judged him harshly, didn't properly consider him and ignored him a lot of the time. We holidayed a lot as an extended family (H's choice) and this was especially apparent when on holiday. I felt he was in the way at times and as he got older I often felt hurt by the lack of feeling towards him despite him making every effort to fit in and meet their approval.

YOU were his mother OP. And you forced him to endure this family, even for his holidays, year in and year out for pretty much all of his childhood. You failed him op

So he’s hardly likely to start believing you now that he’s ended the marriage

I’m surprised by the answers on this thread so far. People typically want their children to have the easiest lives possible. Step-parenting is far from easy. It can be worthwhile and it can build wonderful families, but a relationship without pre-existing children is simpler.

Being worried about the situation their son was marrying into is logical.

as for not being welcoming once the marriage happens, that is an asshole move. the best way to help your child with their step-parenting journey is by doing the best you can to blend the larger family.

Did you read the OP

absolutely nothing to be gained from telling the OP this only to upset her.

shit stirring at its finest