AIBU to be furious FIL called my son a burden at my own wedding?

[IAmBreathing]

I have recently separated from H after 12 years (cohabited for 10 years, Married for 8 years). I have a son from a previous relationship who is 16 and who got on well with H.

Separation was initiated by H, totally out of the blue. I had thought we were very happily married. We have begun divorce proceedings.

I have today been told by my uncle, who I trust and who was fond of H that at our wedding my FIL told him he was disappointed that H married someone with so much baggage. Apparently FIL thought my uncle was someone else when he said it, and as they hadn't met before that is feasible.

I feel so hurt that he would talk about my son like that especially at our wedding. I often felt that my H's family were mean spirited towards my son, judged him harshly, didn't properly consider him and ignored him a lot of the time. We holidayed a lot as an extended family (H's choice) and this was especially apparent when on holiday. I felt he was in the way at times and as he got older I often felt hurt by the lack of feeling towards him despite him making every effort to fit in and meet their approval. H told me it was in my imagination, I was oversensitive and overprotective.

I feel really tempted to tell H how sad and upset this has made me but I know it's pointless.

After H left he only contacted my son once by text which he found really hurtful as he trusted and loved H and thought he was valued as a stepson. H's family haven't got in touch with my son at all. I realise that over time their relationship would have waned but I didn't think they would drop him instantly.

Maybe you should - or it will be forever eating you up?

How horrible. You and your son both sound lovely. The main thing is to rise above these people. Honestly, I hate to be rude, but they seem so much "lower class" than you (by which I mean they have "no class" in the way the Americans use the phrase).

They do not sound worth you or your son. Personally, I would leave them all to "stew in their own juice".

I forgot to add: I really, genuinely want to congratulate you on your divorce!

Onward and upward. Good luck! xxx

I wouldn't necessarily refer to an innocent child as "baggage".
For me that word would be used to describe a crazy ex or more issues surrounding the persons life before meeting you. Just can't help but think that word is used in such a negative context.
And no, when they're grown up if my children wish to many people who have children from pervious relationships I would never comment or judge, just try and be supportive. As long as they're happy that's all that matters.
I will try to bring my sons up to be caring, compassionate people who will know how to love, respect and looks after their families.

I agree with what you say. It’s not my views towards people in this situation though. Although I might slightly silently think it, depending on how many children etc.

My DM when she got together with my stepdad (they’re not married, she’d been married twice before), my DGM (stepdad’s DM) and presumably his brothers, thought that stepdad taking on my DM and me and DB (I was 5, DB was 3) and stepdad was 10 years younger than DM who was 35, was taking on a burden with us kids. However with encouragement DM went to night school and trained and worked as a teacher, stepdad worked in a lower paid job and bought his own property (and had credit card debt) before that, her house was her own house and she paid the mortgage herself.

In your case yes it’s a nasty thing to hear and probably shouldn’t have been said by your uncle to you (FIL wasn’t nice saying this to your uncle at your wedding), I mean what good does it do now?

Being brutally honest the single children I know of single parents have tended to be a bit spoiled but then that’s to be expected as they usually get attention from either both parents who’ve separated or they get more attention from their DM or DF, whoever is their primary carer. It’s not necessarily a bad thing just something I’ve noticed. And maybe not the case with all of them. One only child (woman) of a friend has recently gained a baby DSis in her early 20s who she lives with (the baby and her DM and stepdad, for now, and you wouldn’t believe the change in this young woman, like a second mother to her DSis and looks after her a lot, as well as living her own life.

I think it is understandable that blended families are not for everyone. People will have differing views on the matter. Perhaps the comment was ment as genuine concern because it is not a secret that being a step parent come with challenges.

Fucking hell. I always thought “baggage” meant mental health or psychological/emotional issues that affect relationships, debts or financial problems, problematic former spouses, interfering or abusive family members and so on.

Had no idea that children apparently fall into the same category for some people.

the whole fmaily sound cruel-baggage and he doesnt love you anymore because you didnt want to go on holiday? theyre welcome to each other

Do your stdx's parents have any other children or just your stbx and his brother who has disabilities?

If so, I'm guessing from you saying that you'd have ended up caring for your bil; that he had no partner, no kids and unlikely to have them.

Then your stbx and yourself married at 42/43, and he had no kids from a previous relationship.... And was unlikely to have any with you (unless you had fertility treatment & it was successful)?

So they have no biological grandchildren, is that right?

If this is correct, it sounds like they wanted their son to have kids of his own, and provide them with (biological) grandkids.
While youve rightly pointed out that at 42, with a woman the same age, he was likely to meet & partner a woman with a child or children from previous relationship. However that was probably not their hope/wish. They probably wishes he'd meet & partner a woman of child bearing age, and have grandchildren.

A grand son not related to them, coming along as part of a package with a woman who was (without fertility treatment, perhaps having to use donor eggs) relatively unlikely to have more kids ..... Was just not what they wanted.

They probably thought there was a world of younger women out there whom he might've partnered instead and provided them with grandchildren. That might still be their hope.

In fact I'd winder if turning 59 was a catalyst for this, on both his part and his parents.

He seems to be close to and influenced by them, given all the shared holidays etc.

40s still seems young (ish) to many people; 50 is a significant half century, it might be that he (under the influence of his parents) thought it was now or never/urgent that he do something about his situation.

They probably thought there was a world of younger women out there whom he might've partnered instead and provided them with grandchildren. That might still be their hope.

Well maybe they should learn not to project their own wishes onto their children? I don't understand people who have wishes for what other people will do with their lives, even their own children. Children grow up to be adults who are allowed to have their own hopes and dreams not pre-approved by their parents.

It's really quite controlling for parents to allow themselves to develop a vision for how their adult children will live their lives, and to let their children know openly or subtly whether they're living up to what their parents want from them.

*he was likely to meet & partner a woman with out a child or children from previous relationship.

Well maybe they should learn not to project their own wishes onto their children?

Have they, actually?

Ops stbxh has allowed them to treat he son like a second class citizen, and has now ended the marriage apparently suddenly & rather cruelly, and has shown his exact level.l of care/attachment/priority he has for his step son of nearly a decade.

Oh and btw I agree entirely with you.

All I'm saying is that this is possibly the narrative behind their behaviour and now his behaviour.

*turning 50, was what I meant, obviously

Separation was initiated by H, totally out of the blue.

Do you think it's possible he has someone else lined up or at the very least thinks he has an opportunity elsewhere?

There is something going on re. his out of the blue separation from op, with no apparent problems in the marriage.

It smacks of MLC/cherche la femme etc.

It's obvious as well that his parents have been very unhappy about him marrying a woman with a child from a previous relationship and an unlikely candidate to gave any more with him (which is how it has panned out). His father couldn't even stop the verbal diarrhea/true opinion about it to a complete stranger at the wedding. Their attitude to op and her son clearly didn't improve in the interim, given her experiences of being in company with them (and note her stbx's gas lighting & manipulation when remotely challenged about it).

My DH looks at me in horror when he's heard me chatting with his mum about us all going away together as an extended family I guess I'm lucky.

To clarify @TheoTheopolis23 and anyone else who I've confused (am sorry).

H has two siblings. One disabled brother who won't have any children of his own. One sister who is married with two children in early 20s who live at home. They all live within a few houses of each other and H is now staying there too.

H was clear when we met that he didn't want to have children of his own. He said he didn't know why but he was sure. As someone who has been at he receiving end of people asking difficult questions and criticising my choice up have one child only I respected his decision (I am unable to have any more children so it wasn't a conscious choice).

I agree that maybe FIL was expressing disappointment that H may not produce a grandchild. Although TBH I don't think his family ever expected him to.

My gut instinct was that his issue was that H might put love and most especially money into raising someone else's child.

H's behaviour wrt our divorce finances bears this out.

that in his opinion I was being unreasonable and not considering how he was feeling- putting my son first as usual.

What a selfish cock. You, as a mother, SHOULD put your son first and any man who can't cope with that is a twat. His views (and his abandonment) scream selfish narcissist to me.

I agree with @Dyrne. Your anger is misdirected, and I think you know that, really.

Also, while I recognise that this is not what happened here, a compelling reason why parents worry when their children form relationships with people with children from previous relationships is precisely because their relationship with those children can be abruptly terminated when the relationship ends.

My parents adored my sister’s longterm partner’s young children, and were heartbroken when he left her abruptly and didn’t allow her to say goodbye to the children, far less allow my parents to. (Children too young to be able to make contact solo.) They never saw them again.

Parents were much more guarded when my sister formed a new relationship with another man with children from a previous marriage, because now they know what can happen. They wouldn’t have said so aloud, but I’m certain they would privately have preferred her to marry someone without children.

I don't think FIL saying that is much of a problem tbh, it's not unreasonable to say such a thing in private, though obviously he messed up by saying it to the wrong person.

The problem is the ongoing poor treatment of your son over the years, which I agree you should have shielded him from.

As an aside, though, as a step parent I have to say if I split with my DP, I wouldn't want to continue contact with my DSS, for so many reasons. I would expect to lose contact with him in the same way I would the rest of my exes family. I think this is the risk you take moving a new partner in, really, I don't think it's an unreasonable stance for them to take.

My gut instinct was that his issue was that H might put love and most especially money into raising someone else's child

I'm aware of MRA, chauvanist types who consider it a form of cuckoldry.

I guess they're thinking their son's resources shouldn't go towards a child who's not his flesh and blood, and maybe more importantly that their resources - when it comes to inheritance - shouldn't go towards someone not their flesh & blood.

Yes I accept another woman or the chance of one is a very real possibility. He has denied it of course and TBH there's nothing to suggest the case but I'm not naive enough to think it's not a possibility.

As much as it would hurt it would actually help me make sense of a baffling break up.I'm also absolutely sure that although it's not possible to erase my feelings and I am grieving, there is absolutely no way I would ever consider a reconciliation.

He had never said a single word about being unhappy and he freely admits that. He said he didn't say anything as he didn't want to upset me (yup ridiculous).

One morning I literally opened my eyes to find him looking at me from his pillow with an expressionless face.

I asked him if he was ok and his reply (forever etched in my mind) was "No, I am in turmoil about our marriage and I cannot take the anxiety about it anymore".

The next few hours are a blur of me trying to stay calm and work out what the hell was happening. He went to see him mum. Came back and sat with me to read me a list of things that were a problem. He had never made any mention of these things before. Has regularly told me he loved me, I was beautiful and he was happy. His list included:
I had become opinionated.

I don't earn enough money.

The migraines I suffer were impacting life too much meaning he has to do some of the jobs that were mine (both work full time but his hours are much longer).

I stopped him seeing his family.

I hadn't had my hair done for ages and I don't wear any makeup (never have).

I parent my son in the wrong way and I've been unfair not to allow H to discipline him in his own way (I'd like to say that DS is a pretty decent 16 year old, hasn't been any trouble so far, always been respectful to H, always done as he is asked).

I have put weight on (typical menopausal change in body shape).

I have stopped him seeing his friends (absolutely false I loved it when he went out, but he hasn't kept in touch with many friends so this was rare).

The house is messy (neither of us are very tidy and it has never ever been a priority)

I do things in the evening when we could be together (yoga, seeing friends occasionally).

We don't go to bed at the same time.

I have been difficult around his sister, and was unfairly sensitive in feeling that his family disregarded my son when he was with them.

And drumroll for the most mortifying of all- I have a moustache. That was news to me!

Two days later he told me he was going to see his sister, he came back a few hours later saying he needed space. He packed some stuff and left. He never came back. Sent one text to DS a week later which I begged him to do. That was in March.

He agreed to try 6 sessions of counselling but arrived at the second one saying he was too anxious and couldn't do it and didn't want to reconcile.

He hasn't collected any more of his stuff. Most of his clothes, and all of his papers, toiletries and belongings are still here. I have carefully packed it for him but he's not asked for it.

He's not mentioned seeing our dog, or other pets.

He's continued to pay his share of expenses.

I filed for divorce. He requested mediation wrt finances and then cancelled it two days before saying he wanted to use solicitors.

He has turned our World upside down and it's baffling!

H's behaviour wrt our divorce finances bears this out.

So, unless he's changed his mind about having children of his own; it may be more about money.if he's 5) then his parents are in their 70s at least ... And inheritance etc matters might be looming in their minds. While he's married to you, you (and by default your son) have a shot at all his assets. You have a shot at it while you're wife (and if he'd stayed married long-term, statistically women tend to outline men, and you & your son could get everything as the default, unless he willed it otherwise. Even then you might have had a chance at contesting it (?)).

It seems like he's never truly settled with having a step son and all the implications (?)

I know there's a 10 years of marriage issue in the US re allocation of assets/divorce settlements, apparently that's one of reasons Tom Cruise dumped Nicole Kidman rather suddenly & callously and started divorce proceedings back then ...but I have no idea about the UK. I do think the longevity of the marriage is considered in the settlement. I do know two women who brought houses etc into their second marriages and ended up divorcing from their (abusive) second husbands; the one married the shortest time, possibly less than & years had to pay out a relatively low amount to him and stayed living in her home. The one married for quite a bit longer had to pay out a large amount, had to sell up, and is now living in social housing.

It could be a longevity of marriage thing, with you approaching a decade married (?) Or an inheritance thing if the parents want to avoid tax by starting to give it now.

Still do wonder about a possible ow though.

So sorry for your son and what he has to absorb at a young age. No blame to your uncle, it's good you've got the perspective, although as you say you can understand emotions to step grandchildren not always there - not the case always - but maybe your ex, and possibly wider family, a bit weird?! Because really wrong to not at least welcome and treat equally any child of the family, and if your ex tried to persuade you otherwise that's a massive red flag and you and your boy will be better off without him and them 🙂💕 Move on and don't even try to talk to your ex, he's of the same kind as your fil