Page 7 | To not want to collect friend to come round my house

brock00to · 2023-07-22T09:52:10+00:00

My friend wants to come and visit my family on Tuesday but she doesn’t drive which means I will have to drive to her house, collect her, drive back to mine and when we’re done I’ll have to drop her off and come back to mine again, so that’s 4 journeys for me. It’s only 6 miles but it’s a bit annoying.

gamerchick · 22/07/2023 15:36

WombatChocolate · 22/07/2023 12:25

And?
6 miles is probably 15 mins. That’s 1 hr in total.

Whats the big deal? Do you want to see your friend? If you don’t, why not? Is she your friend?

Friends generally fall-over each other to give lifts, buy a round, host, do a kindness.

Is this not your esoerience OP? Is everyone looking to do as little as possible?

Why do you rent going 24 miles so much?

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One of 2 types of people would say this. A total pushover or a pisstaker.

maddening · 22/07/2023 15:36

You pick her up, go to a pub walking distance from yours and she gets a cab back which means you can all have a drink

2bazookas · 22/07/2023 16:07

Say no. Let her take a bus, taxi, cycle, etc.

PurpleButterflyWings · 22/07/2023 16:31

oi0Y0io · 22/07/2023 12:43

2 hours?
you must be a really slow walker, you should get more exercise☝️😄

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Educate yourself @oi0Y0io The average walking speed for most people is 3 mph. Therefore 6 miles would take roughly 2 hours...

12 miles (the amount the OP's 'friend' would need to walk to get to her house and back,) would take 4 hours.

Hopefully this is simple enough for you to understand, because from your post (aimed at me) you seem to be a bit confused, and lacking basic comprehension skills, and basic mathematical skills.

Average walking speed: Comparisons by age, sex, and walking for health (medicalnewstoday.com)

Average walking speed: Comparisons by age, sex, and walking for health

Read here about the average walking speed based on both sex and age, as well as the health benefits of walking, and how to get started walking for health.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/average-walking-speed

PurpleButterflyWings · 22/07/2023 16:33

Some people on here are really SHIT 'friends.' I'm glad I have better friends than some of you lot on here. Shocking. Makes me wonder how you treat your enemies. Fuck me sideways!

frazzledasarock · 22/07/2023 16:35

You need a new friendship group then.

My friends pay for ourselves or insist on paying for eachother and I don’t drive and always make my way to wherever I’m meant to go.

a grown ass adult can make their own way.

tell her sure you’ll see her at x time and you’ll meet her there. And do it.

if she takes offence then that’s on her.

your ‘friends’ sound horrible

supersop60 · 22/07/2023 16:39

WombatChocolate · 22/07/2023 11:33

Friends come in different shapes and sizes and with different needs.

If you like this person and want to see her, put yourself out a bit and give her the lifts…graciously.
If you don’t want to see her, then tell her it doesn’t work for you that day.

in life, expect to put yourself out a bit for people…to give more than you take and not to count up every little favour you do for someone else. Life will be more enjoyable. Keeping a tally or only giving what people are ‘entitled’ to is joyless.

Stop thinking about if the request is a bit cheeky or puts you out. Be willing to go the extra mile for friends. Of course, if you aren’t bothered about them, then don’t. Over time, ‘friends’ who say they d like to visit you, who di t feel welcomed will fall away. Thats fine if you aren’t bothered about them or keeping them as friends. People who are good friends though are worth making n effort with and really putting yourself out for. Who wants a stingy, mean-spirited friend who won’t drive 24 miles for them? Be the generous friend

Hmm. Some friends are CFs though, or at least, unthinking.
My DD had this the other day - she was going to pick up her friend from her house, bring her back here and then return journey next day. Friend then asked her to pick her up from the station, take her home and wait while she showered. Next day asked for a lift to another town so she could have her driving lesson.
Just because you can drive, pay insurance, fuel, use your time, doesn't mean you should be an unpaid taxi.

Ladyj84 · 22/07/2023 16:44

Wouldn't bother me it's what I would do for a friend

Coyoacan · 22/07/2023 16:45

brock00to

You need a completely different friendship group then. With my friends the problem has always been getting to pay as everyone wants to pay.

And I don't have a car, but I wouldn't dream of assuming that someone else had to give me lifts or ferry me around.

zingally · 22/07/2023 16:58

6 miles?! Thought you were going to say at least 30 mins each way.

Personally, I'd count that as the cost of admission to the friendship.

Cornishclio · 22/07/2023 17:11

I don't understand how you have fallen into this arrangement. If I invite a friend over I just tell them a time and they turn up. Some drive and some use public transport or walk/cycle. Same if I am invited anywhere. There is no expectation of being collected unless a lift offered so I guess this is where you went wrong. I would do it if they are elderly or disabled but if they capable of making their own way just say you will see them at whatever time at your place.

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 22/07/2023 17:57

Even 'only' 6 miles means the OP can't enjoy drinks with her friends.

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/07/2023 20:31

Usually I would say if a good friend then go and pick up. It's like me driving to my next town to pick my dad up. He's about 6m away and prob 15m drive

But as she said she wants to see your family she can make her own arrangements to get to them

So ask what time she will be over

If she mentions a lift say you can't pick her to bring to yours but can give a lift back

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 23/07/2023 04:08

I think you need to rethink your whole approach with this friendship group. They sound quite selfish overall.

First up, catch a taxi out yourself, so you don't have a car to pick anyone up with. Instead of doing "rounds" say you're just going to get yourself a bottle of wine for the night and won't be participating in rounds. They're welcome to either do rounds with the smaller group or get their own drinks. Then catch a taxi home by yourself at the end of the night.

I suspect in the long term you will save yourself money and headaches by not allowing them to sponge off you.

WisherWood · 23/07/2023 09:49

It always surprises me how many people don't like putting themselves out for their friends. I actually like my friends and like spending time with them so I see things like this as making their life a little easier so we can spend time together. No way would I expect a friend to walk 6 miles or get a bus to come to my house.

For me, it's not about the trouble or effort for a friend. It's about doing something that will damage our environment, when there are good alternatives. Catch a bus, since they're running anyway and it is a case of use them or lose them. Or walk, so long as it's not a horrible route or awful weather, since that way you get a decent amount of exercise. Or cycle, but if the OP will then be driving to near hers to go the pub, that's not as practical in this instance.

A lot of that sitting around in traffic queues may be people doing something nice for their friends, but how nice is it, when you stop to think about it?

Pluvia · 23/07/2023 13:08

It always surprises me how many people don't like putting themselves out for their friends. I actually like my friends and like spending time with them so I see things like this as making their life a little easier so we can spend time together. No way would I expect a friend to walk 6 miles or get a bus to come to my house.

Excellent virtue-signalling here!

Friendship is a two-way street and if one person is consistently expected to help out, go out of their way, put in more time and effort and money when the other person could take responsibility for themselves (in this case by catching a bus or arranging a taxi) then there'll probably come a point where things begin to rankle. You have to work at good friendships and offer as well as receive in order to keep the relationship strong. All too often, when one person starts taking the other for granted — as appears to be the case here — the transactional nature of the relationship starts to become very clear.

UsingChangeofName · 23/07/2023 14:31

Cornishclio · 22/07/2023 17:11

I don't understand how you have fallen into this arrangement. If I invite a friend over I just tell them a time and they turn up. Some drive and some use public transport or walk/cycle. Same if I am invited anywhere. There is no expectation of being collected unless a lift offered so I guess this is where you went wrong. I would do it if they are elderly or disabled but if they capable of making their own way just say you will see them at whatever time at your place.

This.

A friendship is usually / often between two people who are fairly equal in what they 'offer' or what they 'bring' to the friendship. Yes, over many years it is likely that one needs support at one time and then the other as life goes round, but if one person is both hosting and making travel arrangements for the other, then that moves it more to a sort of 'carer' relationship. Like where one of the family might go and pick up the Grandparents to bring them to dinner.
If there are no special needs involved, it is quite odd that the friend should be expecting the host to be concerning herself with how the guest is getting to her house.

6 miles?! Thought you were going to say at least 30 mins each way.

In my City, it can take 30mins to do 6 miles. Longer if it is rush hour / Friday afternoon or evening.