To not want to collect friend to come round my house

[brock00to]

My friend wants to come and visit my family on Tuesday but she doesn’t drive which means I will have to drive to her house, collect her, drive back to mine and when we’re done I’ll have to drop her off and come back to mine again, so that’s 4 journeys for me. It’s only 6 miles but it’s a bit annoying.

Even by usual Mumsnet standards this is churlish....

Cue "you ANBU-she can walk!" posts.

I've arranged to meet my cousin (who I've not seen for ages) for lunch next week - she said she didn't have a car any more so would need to meet in the city centre. She lives 13.5 miles away from me, the other side of the city, but I have offered to drive and pick her up then drive a further 5 miles to a nice lakeside cafe and then take her home again. So I'll be driving 36 miles in total but I don't mind because I want to spend time with her - and she's also not a CF who assumed I would drive😉

Wow - MN is a completely different world to the one I live in! A 6 mile drive will take you 10-15 minutes won't it? Why do you not want to do it OP?
I wouldn't think twice about doing this for a friend.

I wouldn’t want to be unable to have a glass of wine or two, so I’d pick her up and let her get a bus or taxi home.

That’s assuming she’s not too skint to afford it. If she’s just tight, that’s a different matter.

what is Public Transport like? I wouldn't dream of offering or expecting to drive & collect someone visiting me, but I am aware that London Public Transport is tons better than many other places.

I think I'd text with "bus X is probably most convenient" - assuming there is a bus!

I agree with the suggestion to say “can you get the bus over, and then I’ll drop you back after we’ve been to the pub?”

She should also be offering to buy you a drink in the pub…. although that won’t cost her much, since you’ll be on soft drinks.

HMRC mileage rates for use of private cars are 45p/mile, so £10.80 is an approximation of the actual cost to OP of picking her friend up and taking her home again. If friend reciprocated, it would be fine - but she can’t drive, so she can’t reciprocate.

It’s not just non-drivers who underestimate the cost of running a car - drivers do it too. It’s not just the cost of the petrol, it’s the mileage adding to many of the other costs. One journey isn’t much, but do it enough times and it starts to add up.

I do kind of wonder whether Mumsnetters have any friends.....🤣

I guess the answer lies in whether you invited her, or if she has just asked to come and see you all? If it's the latter, then I'd go with the "see you when you get here and obviously I'll take you home after the pub" suggestions.

On the other hand, if you invited her and knowing she doesn't drive (and assuming public transport isn't the obvious solution), then I think it would be a bit churlish to not help her with the transport over to you.

I have a friend who sometimes comes for drinks with me at my local. I pick her up and she gets a taxi home.

I like seeing her so don't mind and we don't drink at her local because it's not as nice.

I don’t want to be taken advantage of any more,
I resent being a doormat. I’m concerned asking her to get the bus would flabbergast her and put an elephant in the room kind of rift in the friendship.

Are you seeking advice?

get friends you want to do this for, otherwise they aren't really friends. You're meant to really like, even love, your friends.

I'm assuming she needs the same advice because I'd just as easily walk for 2 hours straight as I would drive for 2 hours straight to see my friends.

I think I'd do one way. Like she gets the bus to your house then you drop her home afterwards. That seems like a friendly compromise.

If you think not running around after her (driving 24 miles) will offend her, then she is not a true friend. True friends would not expect this. And would be extremely grateful if you did this for them. Has she been grateful before?

You should be able to say 'see you when you get here, catch up then!' or similar without causing issues.

Does she live 6 miles away, so a 24 mile total, or 1.5 miles away?

I was with you until you said it's 6 MILES. FFS she's a friend, and you CBA to go 6 miles for her to come to your house. Hope she's reading this so she can see what kind of a 'friend' you are.

6 miles away so it’s 24 miles really.

The thing is, do you feel you’re being taken advantage of? This is all about mindsets.

Some people would see this as ‘how lovely, my friend wants to spend her day coming to visit us. I’m so pleased. I’m so happy to pop over and pick her up and take her back later and we will have a lively catch-up. Can’t wait’

Others see this as ‘Cheeky cow. She’s invited herself over. I will have to feed her. AND she wants me to drive all the way to her house to get her and then to take her back which means I won’t be blue to have a drink. How selfish and demanding to invitee herself and to expect me to soend the petrel money and use my time to drive her.’

And within this last one is some sense of simmering resentment and lack of communication.

Is she your friend? If she is, enjoy spending time with her and out yourself out.

If she isn’t, then speak plainly.

What really surprises me on MN is how people have so-called friends, that they then don’t like. They seem to gather and quickly lose multiple friends…but can’t see any connection to themselves. It’s odd. I honseslty can’t think if someone who is my friend who I’ve come to resent and feel this negative way about. Yes, people drift away, move away and friendships change or fizzle out over time. But good friends remain good friends. I don’t get the simmering resentment people feel towards their so-called friends.

Message her "Great, we'd love to see you too. What time are you getting here?".

And?
6 miles is probably 15 mins. That’s 1 hr in total.

Whats the big deal? Do you want to see your friend? If you don’t, why not? Is she your friend?

Friends generally fall-over each other to give lifts, buy a round, host, do a kindness.

Is this not your esoerience OP? Is everyone looking to do as little as possible?

Why do you rent going 24 miles so much?

I agree

Where do you live that you can drive to a friend's house at 50 or 60 mph? Six miles around here would take 20 on a good day without traffic and 30 on a busier day.

So just meet at the pub: problem solved. If it's near her place she can come to you and then you can drop her off at home if it's not a massive detour.

I think you should have raised when the visit was arranged , busses are mainly £2 per journey but bus routes and timetables might not make quite so it easy . Is there a compromise where you can pick her up somewhere along the route ?

So?

I wouldn't even give this a 2nd thought if she was my friend. Don't you like her?
There are bigger things to make a drama about!!!