To not want to collect friend to come round my house

[brock00to]

My friend wants to come and visit my family on Tuesday but she doesn’t drive which means I will have to drive to her house, collect her, drive back to mine and when we’re done I’ll have to drop her off and come back to mine again, so that’s 4 journeys for me. It’s only 6 miles but it’s a bit annoying.

HMRC mileage rates for use of private cars are 45p/mile, so £10.80 is an approximation of the actual cost to OP of picking her friend up and taking her home again. If friend reciprocated, it would be fine - but she can’t drive, so she can’t reciprocate.

And that everyone is how we should all treat friendships!

@WombatChocolate

The thing is, you feel you’re being taken advantage of. This is all about mindsets.

Some people would see this as ‘how lovely, my friend wants to spend her day coming to visit us. I’m so pleased. I’m so happy to pop over and pick her up and take her back later and we will have a lively catch-up. Can’t wait’

Others see this as ‘Cheeky cow. She’s invited herself over. I will have to feed her. AND she wants me to drive all the way to her house to get her and then to take her back which means I won’t be blue to have a drink. How selfish and demanding to invite herself.

What really surprises me on MN is how people have so-called friends, that they then don’t like. They seem to gather and quickly lose multiple friends…but can’t see any connection to themselves. It’s odd. I honestly can’t think if someone who is my friend who I’ve come to resent and feel this negative way about.

This. It just seems like the OP, and some others on here don't seem to like their friends much. They seem to have so much resentment and loathing for their 'friends.' I hate to think how they feel about their enemies!

What a massive fuss over nothing 🙄

has she got a bike?

This!!!

OP you are being ridiculous. Also if you go to pub near her and drop her home then it's even less of a big deal, it's part of the socialising.

@WombatChocolate In my friendship group everyone tries to sponge off each other for example when we went out last time with our other friend, they were getting the expensive drinks on each other’s rounds. Another example from last summer, we went to KFC and she ‘forgot’ her purse so I had to pay.

So you haven't checked with her?

I resent being a doormat. I’m concerned asking her to get the bus would flabbergast her and put an elephant in the room kind of rift in the friendship.

I think this is quite hyperbolic - flabbergasts and rifts over suggesting a bus. Stop being a doormat if you're resenting it. Just address it and move on. If there's a rift, it's not much of a friendship anyway. Which it isn't by the sounds of it. It's fairly recent in friendship terms and you're already very down on her.

6 miles?
she can walk that☝️😄

100% this. ^

Get new friends then!! Or stop keeping tabs!! Are you the type of person that won't split bills evenly because one person got a coffee and another got a side and you didn't?!

If she's got no car she must use public transport all the time so it's hardly grounds for her being flabbergasted.

I agree.

I think some people perhaps have very small lives. They like to find things to be offended by and somehow this makes them feel important.

OP, if this is the only thing worrying you at the moment, life is pretty good. Or are you someone who has multiple things like this going on all the time…little things that others have done to annoy you and make you feel taken advantage of and aggrieved by? It’s your mindset that’s the issue.

I don’t understand the arrangement. If you’re going to a pub near hers why bother bringing her to yours first? Can’t you just meet at the pub?
Depending on whether you fancy a drink I’d either meet her there and drop her home or leave the car at home and get the bus/taxi.

"Sponge" and "friendship group" in the same sentence....

Oh do behave! No-one is going to walk to someone's house when they live 6 miles away FFS! That's almost 2 hours walk FFS! 4 hour round trip. The OP would spend no more than 35-40 minutes picking her up, and bringing her to her house, and then dropping her off later and coming back home. Expecting someone to walk 6 miles to your house because you CBA to do a 15-20 minute round trip to pick them up, makes you a pretty shit 'friend!'

I think you need a new circle of friends.

In the meantime, stand up for yourself. In this case, tell her to let you know what bus she's getting on or if she needs an address reminder for her taxi/uber. Don't offer to pick her up.

2 hours?
you must be a really slow walker, you should get more exercise☝️😄

I agree with @WombatChocolate on P5, too.

I don't understand how you have got into the arrangement of you picking her up, bringing her to yours, then you driving to a pub near hers and then you driving home. There's no logic in that.

Generally, if a person doesn't drive, then they would expect to make their own arrangements to get to places.

I mean, I don't understand the attitude of quite a lot of MNers about keeping score, and counting lifts - if I am going somewhere and can help out, I will, but it wouldn't occur to me in the first place to go and collect someone who was coming for a meal at my house, unless I lived so remotely there was no option for them to get there otherwise (and then I'd probably agree to meet them near theirs, not to and fro all night).

This is also one of those things where someone is seething and annoyed, but won’t say anything g about it. There’s probably lots of passive aggressive comments or simply sounding time together and seeming to smile at each other, before then bad mouthing the other person in social media or behind their back to others.

Look, if this is your friend, be willing to put yourself out. If you feel they take advantage of you and that’s a genuine concern which is evidenced rather than just you being a s-easily offended kind of person who loves a drama and resentment, then stop seeing them. Ideally, voice your concerns. There don’t have to be ‘elephants in the room’ - you can’t expect your friend to be a mind-reader. If you’re annoyed about the request, tell them. Or move on.

And if you have so many friends that you don’t want to continue with this outrageous person who wants a lift, then cut them off….I’ve never done this, but it seems people do. It’s probably better all round than having years of being bitter, bad-mouthing them and not actually liking them.

FYI-average walking speed for a woman is 3 mph. Varies a little with age.

Have you ever suggested to your friend that she should take the bus or have you always just given her a lift? I don't drive and if someone offers me a lift I'm grateful but I don't ask and I'd hate to think they begrudged it. You're making your friend out to be a CF but how is she supposed to know you're fed up if you don't say anything

@oi0Y0io 2 hours?
you must be a really slow walker, you should get more exercise☝️😄
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If you type in 6 miles to google maps it's around 1hr 50-2hrs...so PP is fairly accurate and I agree it's absolutely absurd to suggest someone walk that length there and back for a catch-up with a "friend"

This thread is so ridiculous

I have a friend who lives about 35-50 mins walk away. We only one car, which DH has in the day, but I certainly wouldn't expect to be picked up. I happily walk come rain or shine.

40 mins not 50!