To insist MIL asks me, not DH, when making plans that involve my kids?

[Maree1986]

Just to be clear, this is not a MIL-bashing thread. She's great, and a loving, involved grandmother. I'm lucky and I know not everyone has decent grandparents in their children's lives.

BUT whenever she wants to do something with the kids, she naturally asks DH, her son, and not me.

I am the one who organises the family calender and their lives, not him. He will just say yes, should be fine, and then immediately forgets the whole thing, and never mentions it to me.

Now, I KNOW that the actual person in the wrong here is DH but since that's what he's like I have said to MIL that it would be easier for everyone if she just went through me.

So last week we were together, me, her and the kids and she announces to the kids that she's taking them to the cinema this weekend! Absolute first I've heard of it and she gets the kids all excited. I said, no, I'm really sorry, but I've got something else on and it's all booked and paid for, you need to ask ME when you arrange stuff. She got all huffy.

Is it an unreasonable request? Obviously I am pissed at DH too, I'm not putting all the blame on her, but I don't know why she can't just do it.

She has both problems. DH for his lack of communication, and MIL for continuing to insist on telling DH despite the fact it ends in disappointment.

A reasonable person will try to bring it up to OP knowing her son would most likely not so a simple hey I told DH about raking the kids to xyz rather than not and then get upset when they have other plan.

As the saying goes continuing to do the same thing and expecting a different result is….

This, could not have worded it better. And made me laugh!

If your spouse repeatedly makes a reasonable request for you to do one thing which requires just a little bit of thought and they kept failing to do that one thing then, regardless of sex, I would interpret that as a big fuck you.

If the OP can accept that her DH isn't going to change then why can't she also accept that her MIL isn't going to change either? She made a post about frustration with her MIL not her DH.

If the husband can't be bothered to check the calendar then why can't he ask his mum to check with OP every time she tries to make arrangements for activities for the children?

He's failing to be a decent partner twice over and you think pointing that out is man hating.

Your bar for men is so low you must be a limbo dancing champion.

Back to the original issue, isn't the problem that your DH says "yes that's probably fine" rather than "I'm not sure, better check with Maree"? If he recognises he's no good with dates/organising, he just needs to be upfront about that. No major change for him, nothing for you to request from MIL, problem solved?

We had this same problem, I started a WhatsApp group for the 3 of us to discuss any meet ups so we all get the same information and everyone knows what's happening and it's worked a treat 💐

If she has already been told, doesn't matter who told her, that arranging plans with anyone but you doesn't work, then this is as much a MIL problem as it is a DH.

Are MIL's ONLY capable of comprehending an instruction or message if it is given to them by their offspring?

The telling has now been done, so who did it is no longer relevant - it should have been him, it wasn't... it's over.

How she behaves from here on in will be a MIL issue... if she persists now in making arrangements via him, knowing the situation, then she is doing so knowing he will agree to anything, and then make it your problem to sort out later on. I'd say thats pretty malicious.

This is my MIL. We are actually v low contact now due to her ignoring my dc (they are now old enough to not care), but over the years I’ve said to her and sil to contact me because DH is rubbish and the plans don’t affect him, so why would he check it’s alright with me. They do actually have my phone number, I’ve checked, but I find it really disrespectful. It’s as if I just don’t exist and I’ve known them for many many years!

I think your request is reasonable.

Whenever we meet up with my cousin, his wife, and their daughter, I ALWAYS go straight to his wife. Because I know she's the one who keeps them all organised and there's no point asking him 🤣

If your MIL wants her 'plans' to keep being cancelled, let her crack on with contacting her son! You can keep asking her politely to check with you first. Unless there's a history there making her feel comfortable speaking to you, I don't see why she should have an issue with it 🤷🏻‍♀️

This! Personally, I have always dealt with the organisation of family and home as it always suited DH and me. Why it's anyone else's business if that's what OP and her DH have agreed upon, as OP has already said (several times), is beyond me.

Genuine question, OP, is he this shit when arranging his own activities and has he himself suffered for it? E.g. he arranges golf with Paul but didn't check with you and forgets to mention it so sadly had to cancel last minute as he didn't remember he'd arranged to go out with you and the children?

Or does that not happen, either because he doesn't forget when it's something that benefits him, or when he does, things are rearranged to prioritise his activities?

If he's just as shit with his own fun plans (and graciously accepts that it's his plans that should give way as a consequence) I have a lot more sympathy as I'd believe it's just an unfortunate character trait generally rather than a bit of selfish "I'm alright, Jack" dressed up as such.

Your DH is clearly shit but yet you want you and MIL to do all the womanwork to facilitate his shitness to continue unabated? Yabu. Get dh to man up and take responsibility.

We have the opposite problem. Dh is a perfectly capable human being who takes equal responsibility for running the household and it has taken decades of training to get MIL to learn that she can talk to her own son about practicalities and logistics and that she shouldn't assume that anything connected to the domestic sphere is automatically my problem. We got there in the end.

She’s already said her DH is brilliant and responsible for an equal share of things. Just bad at this.

Mine does more than his share of things to maintain our lives; I am better at scheduling, have a better memory, am better at general planning so it’s mostly on me.

when your MIL tries to make plans with your DH he should be saying don’t ask me ask Maree she does the Calendar. It amazes me how some people make things so difficult.

Because partnerships evolve their own roles using each others strengths and weaknesses and my role that we agreed upon and I am happy to take on is to organise the family's calender and schedule. DH does not do this well and I do, hence why this was agreed.

So why is your DH not doing what has been agreed? When he MIL gets in touch to make plans, why is he agreeing to them rather than saying "this isn't my area, OP knows what we've got planned, you'll have to speak to her".
If you've agreed that one person arranges the calendar that's fine, but the other person has to not make life harder by also making plans that no one else is aware of.

Can you not just ask your DH to say to MIL “I’m not sure, please can you check with X” every time she tries to make plans with the kids?

You’d think, wouldn’t you….

YABU-you and DH need to sort this out yourself -it shouldn’t all be with you.

WiddlinDiddlin nailed it

I know you said you had a group chat with multiple people already but maybe subsidiary chats might help? I have about 10 million different variations of group chats for different things. This one could be "Plans with Granny Audrey, Bethany, Charles and the Kids" or whatever?

Its frustrating because it's so easy to solve. He makes a WhatsApp group with you and his mum in. He asks requests to go through there, Two minute job.

This thread is crazy, whatsapp groups?? Wtf. I can’t believe people actually live their lives like this

I have this exact thing.

She’ll even text him to say she’s setting off and will be x minutes knowing he’s at work and I’m the only one at home with the kids.

There’s been times he’s had to pull over to text me that she’s on her way.

Male a kids plans WhatsApp with mil, dh and you - actually title it something like "plans with the grandchildren" and tell MIL to use that.

It is so much easier if you have multiple people to make arrangements with- no missed people, no miscommunication about time and dates etc, it is a handy tool

I’m a mother in law who always arranges via my daughter in law. She and my son have full on lives, they split lots of family tasks in a way that suits them. Why not?