To insist MIL asks me, not DH, when making plans that involve my kids?

[Maree1986]

Just to be clear, this is not a MIL-bashing thread. She's great, and a loving, involved grandmother. I'm lucky and I know not everyone has decent grandparents in their children's lives.

BUT whenever she wants to do something with the kids, she naturally asks DH, her son, and not me.

I am the one who organises the family calender and their lives, not him. He will just say yes, should be fine, and then immediately forgets the whole thing, and never mentions it to me.

Now, I KNOW that the actual person in the wrong here is DH but since that's what he's like I have said to MIL that it would be easier for everyone if she just went through me.

So last week we were together, me, her and the kids and she announces to the kids that she's taking them to the cinema this weekend! Absolute first I've heard of it and she gets the kids all excited. I said, no, I'm really sorry, but I've got something else on and it's all booked and paid for, you need to ask ME when you arrange stuff. She got all huffy.

Is it an unreasonable request? Obviously I am pissed at DH too, I'm not putting all the blame on her, but I don't know why she can't just do it.

Why? She's already running it past one parent

I get you OP. It’s frustrating DH is bloody useless and MIL is being a bit pedantic about it.

I think I’d try a different tack and instead of asking DH to check the calendar I’d be telling him to never ever agree to anything with MIL and just to auto repeat- check with OP.

and for future cock ups I think I’d bow out as much as possible and just tell both the kids aren’t free as something already booked end of and leave them to argue over who should have consulted you.

Because partnerships evolve their own roles using each others strengths and weaknesses and my role that we agreed upon and I am happy to take on is to organise the family's calender and schedule. DH does not do this well and I do, hence why this was agreed.
I have made a request as the mother of her grandchildren that she speak to me about plans involving said grandchildren so that I can easily let her know if we can meet her request or not. This makes everything smoother and easier for every single person involved.
Or she can just keep doing it the difficult way.

OMG can I have your MIL please 🙏
you can have mine if you like although she won’t help you out, take any interest in the kids and wouldn’t dream of taking them to the cinema.

Isn't it just ridiculous! Hahaha.

As an aside, I recall reading in the Telegraph a few years ago some "expert" (can't recall his exact job description) suggesting to potential mothers-in-law to be kind to the DIL as she's the one who controls the family calendar so if you don't want to be frozen out, play nice.

Guess that expert wasn't a mumsnet reader.

The problem is that you have an extra kid in the house. Tell your husband to stop being so fucking useless or you'll stop cooking his meals, washing his clothes, wiping his arse and texting his mummy for him. It's a DH job, not yours. Redirect your MILs huffiness at him.

This whole thread makes for a very depressing read tbh, feminism was never supposed to be about hating men, I think they've been incredibly rude to you and about your husband. The names they've called him are quite frankly disgusting. The disrespectful comments towsrds you have made me very sad, seems like today's women are incredibly spiteful towards women who dare to lift a finger in making their husbands life easier or doing anything at all for him and may God help him if he forgets to relay a msg from his mum!! Mil gets a free pass because they wouldn't pass up this opportunity to tell you what a useless shit your husband is and it's your own fault for enabling him! We're heading for a broken society if this doesn't stop..... imagine if this thread was a bunch of men saying the same disgusting things about women and to a man about his useless shit wife. Feminism used to be about equal rights but it's become something ugly. He sounds cool to me, typical man forgetting stuff and great with the housework and morning with kids, sounds like you've got a great dynamic marriage. I suspect you'll still be happily married long after the kids grow up having worked together......long after this lot have gotten divorced. I suspect a lot of jealousy here too first attacking your DH then after it's clear you had a great relationship they started attacking you. They'd secretly give their right arm to have a man so hands on like yours......

Thanks, but that's my mother, so I already have that experience.

As I said, I am very lucky to have her and I know not everyone has good grandparents for their children.

If the adults keep refusing to acknowledge there is a communication issue then unfortunately, if the DCs are old enough to understand, then you can tell them directly in front of both DH and MIL "Kids MIL checks plans with DH who doesn't know your calendars so any arrangements made my MIL won't be possible. Sorry kids"

How about you stop being so fucking rude about OPs husband??? Imagine a dadsnet and they said tell your wife to stop being so fucking useless?

Yabvu. It is your husband that needs to sort himself out. This is his fault.

I don’t understand these ‘man hater’ type posts.

Surely most responses are from people with competent DHs/DPs - you know, decent men who don’t need hand-holding just to cross the street………………..?

What they don't know is that I am a strong and passionate feminist and have campaigned for years for equality in my very male-domintaed work environment, with some success and that I do not accept forced gender roles.
Huge assumptions have been made about me, my husband, and our marriage and to an extent these are understandable (although never acceotable) given how rightfully angry women are and how often we are right in our assumptions.
However, as I've said already on this thread, their true intentions really do shine through when they show such hypocrisy in insisting DH's job shouldn't be put on a woman (my MIL) but that I (also a woman) am to blame for his failures because I enable him (not true), and apparently do everything for him (very far from true). It makes it all seem very hollow.

Nowhere did I say I wash his clothes. TBF I did say I wipe his arse buy I understand not everyone gets sarcasm so perhaps you took that literally.
It is my job because my husband and I decided it was my job. It is not your job to decide the roles within my marriage, random mumsnet lady.

It's really simple next time there is a clash just say to Mill so sorry I didn't know you had also made plans, DH forgot to mention, it might be easier if you let me know when you plan something as I tend to make arrangements for the kids so know when they are free etc. Done doesn't need to be more complicated than that.

Yes your husband is rubbish but he's not going to change, you could show him how to use the calendar but if he doesn't care, which is probably the case, unless he is unable to learn skills, this will keep happening ove and over.

If this is an agreed role that has evolved in your partnership, why does DH keep on agreeing to these plans with MiL instead of saying to her - Sound’s wonderful mum, that’s really good of you. Could you run that past Maree? I’ll never remember to put it on the calendar and she’s the one who coordinates all their activities. Luckily for me, as I find all that really tricky.”

The issue with your DH isn’t necessarily that he’s incompetent at the coordination role, it’s that he keeps on making arrangements, agreeing and being nice, but not doing the boring admin. So if you have these roles, regardless of the anger a lot of women have about the way so many men manage to hold all sorts of details about their favourite football team and can coordinate with their mates to go out for a drink, etc. but can’t seem to remember they have kids unless someone is waving them in front of them, if you have these roles you’re both actually happy with - why does your DH keep telling his mum she can do things with the kids? Why is he undermining your message about running things past you?

So your MiL discusses with her son and he is telling her it’s fine and the only one who’s telling her it isn’t is - you. To her, her son tells her it’s okay and then you tell her it isn’t. Your DH isn’t telling her she needs to run it past you, you are doing that. From her perspective, this may look like you stepping in and spoiling things and maybe she’s reluctant to give in to that. Perhaps, from her perspective, you are pushing her son out of his role as his children’s father.

It's really simple

The whole point of the thread is that it’s not this simple. The OP’s tried that and it’s not working.

Most people would be frustrated with the DH though, not the MIL.

I expect the reason she always asks him is he always says yes.

Since you’ve told MIL repeatedly and she still keeps doing it, she will just have to suffer the consequences each time she does this. If she’s mad at you because the children already plans and he never checked then she’s not a reasonable person.

Im wondering if the people on this thread blaming you for this issue usually call the florist when they want a dentist appointment. It’s a failure in logic.

Two people cannot efficiently manage to share equal responsibility over a single admin task. It’s normal to divide based on skillsets. Clearly your DH stinks at calendar management. Why on earth would he be in charge of scheduling then?

There is a difference in a child having a dental appointment booked by one parent and a parent signing up and organising every activity so the calendar is full, why does one parent outrank another if it is not a serious appointment issue?

I am not saying the op as I have no idea their schedules but why does everything have timetabled?

@Maree1986 I think that @NumberTheory makes a good point about your DH committing to arrangements made with his mum instead of him saying to his mum “I would need to check with DW first as she may have booked activities,”or “Mum that sounds great could you run it by DW first as she has booked activities for the kids and knows when they are free.”

If MIL’s son is sending her a clear message that it’s fine to make arrangements through him, then I get why she continues to do so.

For you it simplifies things and makes perfect sense for MIL to go through you as the person who organises and knows the kid’s schedules.

For MIL it means siding with you over her son who has been fine with her going through him.

Why are you assuming the calendar is full?

He just agrees to things without checking the calendar first or communicating about it. He didn’t put this on the calendar and sounds like he never bothers; just says ok.

A event being booked one day doesn’t mean the entire calendar is always full.

In fairness OP did. But MIL has got the children excited about the plans she has made. This is why OP is saying it makes sense to check. At the moment MIL is asking her son, who she knows will say yes. But MIL also knows her son doesn't tell OP or check if there is a pre-existing event booked in the diary. MIL got upset at a polite 'no, we're already busy' from OP. The whole situation could have been avoided if there had been clear communication between MIL, Mr @Maree1986 AND @Maree1986 .

Given the useless (in this regard) nature of the DH's organising, is it worth adding your MIL to the shared Google calendar/ similar? If she still wants to go via DH and he still doesn't check/ note anything down at least pre-planned events are clear and she can see when you have already booked the kids in somewhere?

This happened with my DH and his aunt. I told her that I need to be involved in scheduling. She went through him. He double booked us. But he had to explain it to her himself and so we haven’t had that problem again.